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Dealing with "mommy dearest"



 
 
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  #1  
Old August 12th 03, 06:32 AM
Ali's Daddie
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Default Dealing with "mommy dearest"

also posted in am

I am livid with my mother!

Some of you kind of know a little of the background with my mom.

For those who do not... Please don't think that I am being an ass. My mom is
a terrible person, and that is putting it nicely. But, I still think we
should have some kind of working relationship.

My mother and Step Dad are coming for a visit for Labor Day. They have not
met Alegra yet, so this will be their first time to see her in person.

My mother has decided that she is going to give my daughter a french fry or
some mac and cheese or something. I have tried being diplomatic with her.
"Please respect our wishes as fathers" and the like. But she insists. So
finally, I have been forced to take drastic measures. I have told her that
if she gives my daughter anything besides the formula that Jarrod and I use,
I will have her arrested.

I know that is a little severe. But she simply will not back down.

She started giving my niece cereal at about 2 weeks and then other solids at
about 6 weeks (mashed up french fries, pasta, etc) and since then, my niece
has had a terrible digestive problem. She only has a BM about once a week
and it is very painful for her. She is almost 4 years old. My mothers food
choices might not be to blame entirely, but they sure didn't help...

I have tried taking the pediatrician route... "Alegra's pediatrician is very
adamant about waiting until 5-6 months for solids but we will discuss it at
the 4 month visit".. But she still goes on and on how "all my kids had
solids at a few weeks old, and they are all fine".. None of us are fine..
But I won't go into my problems because of what she fed to me as a child...

Anyway... apart from going out of town with Alegra that weekend myself and
avoiding her altogether, do any of you have suggestions on what to do?

Jarrod and I have already decided that our daughter will not be left in the
same room with my mom or step dad unless one of us is with them...

Thanx for readin.. Hadda get that off my chest :-)

--
LES!

Daddie to Alegra Lee. May 25th 2003!
"Daddie's Little Diva"

before you reply to me via email, please remove your hat
YourHatDaddie at bonbon.net


  #2  
Old August 12th 03, 07:06 AM
toypup
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Default Dealing with "mommy dearest"


"Ali's Daddie" wrote in message
...
I have tried taking the pediatrician route... "Alegra's pediatrician is

very
adamant about waiting until 5-6 months for solids but we will discuss it

at
the 4 month visit".. But she still goes on and on how "all my kids had
solids at a few weeks old, and they are all fine".. None of us are fine..
But I won't go into my problems because of what she fed to me as a

child...

It's funny how parents always say how they've raised so many kids and
they're all fine when they're obviously having problems with whatever it is.
Like my mom, she thinks she knows all about taking care of children because
she's raised three kids who are all fine. Well, she had four kids and one
of them died. He got sick, she didn't know how sick he was, she gave him
antibiotics, he didn't get better, but she didn't ask for follow-up, he died
at home in her arms. It wasn't her fault, of course, and I've never brought
it up and don't ever intend to (I can't imagine the pain and guilt), but all
her kids weren't all fine. Whenever she says that (as part of her way to
convince me to do it her way), I just have to think to myself, you had four
kids and one of us died. Not that it means her advice is no good but that
her logic is wrong. Having so many kids survive their upbringing doesn't
make someone a good parent or their parenting style correct. I've know
people survive their upbringing just fine but they had horrible parents.
The kids did well, though. I'm sure the parents love getting the credit for
that.


  #3  
Old August 12th 03, 07:28 AM
P. Tierney
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Default Dealing with "mommy dearest"


"Ali's Daddie" wrote:

My mother has decided that she is going to give my daughter a french fry

or
some mac and cheese or something. I have tried being diplomatic with her.
"Please respect our wishes as fathers" and the like. But she insists. So
finally, I have been forced to take drastic measures. I have told her that
if she gives my daughter anything besides the formula that Jarrod and I

use,
I will have her arrested.

I know that is a little severe. But she simply will not back down.


Well, you said this was a vent, but I can't help myself......

IMO, it isn't about whether or not your mother backs down,
but about whether or not you back down. The parent is the one, and
only one, in charge and that has to be respected. If any potential visitor
said that they planned to clearly go against my wishes when they visited,
then they she/he wouldn't get past the front door.

I don't see why you'd have your mother arrested (in what would
likely be an attempt in futility -- imagine the face of the cop when
you say that you want your mother arrested for feeding your child a
french fry!) for a supposed "crime", but you'd allow her access to
the scene to commit the crime. That's what needs to be looked at
because that is in your control. If you focus on what you can
control instead of what you can't, you'll be successful.

Sidebar: I live in Kentucky, lots of guns. A neighbor with a
child nearing two told me that her brother-in-law was going to
get her son a bb gun at age two, because that's what he did and
what everyone else did at his age. She was appalled at the idea,
but shrugged her shoulders about it, as if it was out of her hands.
That attitude, of course, is what appalled me.



P.
Tierney


  #4  
Old August 12th 03, 02:44 PM
Beth
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Default Dealing with "mommy dearest"

"Ali's Daddie" wrote in message ...
also posted in am

I am livid with my mother!

Some of you kind of know a little of the background with my mom.

For those who do not... Please don't think that I am being an ass. My mom is
a terrible person, and that is putting it nicely. But, I still think we
should have some kind of working relationship.


You're right. No matter what, she's still your mother and your
daughter's grandmother. Even if you never want to see her again, keep
in mind that grandparents can add a great deal to a child's life.
Even a grandparent who was a lousy parent.

My mother and Step Dad are coming for a visit for Labor Day. They have not
met Alegra yet, so this will be their first time to see her in person.

My mother has decided that she is going to give my daughter a french fry or
some mac and cheese or something. I have tried being diplomatic with her.
"Please respect our wishes as fathers" and the like. But she insists. So
finally, I have been forced to take drastic measures. I have told her that
if she gives my daughter anything besides the formula that Jarrod and I use,
I will have her arrested.


This seems a rather drastic response and unlikely to occur. It's
really just an empty threat.

I know that is a little severe. But she simply will not back down.


I totally understand. My mother doesn't back down easily either. I
have discovered that the only way to deal with it is to decide in
advance what I will give in on and what I won't. I let the stuff I
give in on roll off my back and I'm as obstinant as she is on the
stuff I won't but I try to be as polite and sweet about it as
possible.

It sounds like you've made up your mind not to give in on the solids
issue, so just stick to your guns and be vigilent but polite.

Jarrod and I have already decided that our daughter will not be left in the
same room with my mom or step dad unless one of us is with them...


Probably the best solution. That way they can't sneak FF's in when
you're not there. If they try to arrange private time with your
daughter, I would be polite but unfront with them about why you won't
allow it. "I'm sorry mom, but we don't trust that you will respect our
wishes regarding feeding Allegra. Perhaps when she's older."

Good luck. Try to use the time to build bridges with your mother, not
burn them. You'll be glad later if you can manage that.

Beth
  #5  
Old August 12th 03, 03:12 PM
toto
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Posts: n/a
Default Dealing with "mommy dearest"

On Mon, 11 Aug 2003 23:32:21 -0600, "Ali's Daddie"
wrote:

I am livid with my mother!

Some of you kind of know a little of the background with my mom.


Les, have you read Toxic Parents Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy
and Reclaiming your Life by Susan Forward? Since you are attempting
to have a relationship with someone who abused you in childhood,
it seems to me that you need strategies to change how you react to
her before you can be an adult in this situation instead of reverting
to patterns of behavior you learned well as a child.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..
Outer Limits
  #6  
Old August 12th 03, 05:10 PM
Banty
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Default Dealing with "mommy dearest"

In article , Sara says...

Ali's Daddie wrote:

My mother and Step Dad are coming for a visit for Labor Day. They have not
met Alegra yet, so this will be their first time to see her in person.

My mother has decided that she is going to give my daughter a french fry or
some mac and cheese or something. I have tried being diplomatic with her.
"Please respect our wishes as fathers" and the like. But she insists.


Can you figure out what it is she's hoping to get from the experience,
and divert her with something else? (I have no idea what she's after;
planning weeks ahead of time to feed a baby a french fry befuddles me.)


I have a mom who is a little like that - she's who is difficult although not
really as much as the OPs to begin with, and has mitigated her tendencies over
the years. With her, it's a matter of not having a way to be, when visiting,
other than to step into a mothering role central in the household and doing
whatever she did before. Plus a defensiveness about any other way to do things
being taken as a personal judgement. It's not "planned", it's just done once
she arrives.

It's a symptom of the elder parent never having established and adult to adult
relationship with their grown kids, which of course may be a symptom of deeper
problems. The only real defense is for the grown kids to establish boundaries
with him or her.


Perhaps giving Alergra a bottle would satisfy your mother, if it's
that she wants to feed her, or maybe there's an activity Alergra
hasn't done yet that your mom could lead her in.


Which may work, but would still take some level of maturity on the part of the
mom. Perhaps, once boundaries are established, it might work better.

Banty

  #7  
Old August 12th 03, 05:38 PM
Heather
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Posts: n/a
Default Dealing with "mommy dearest"


Jarrod and I have already decided that our daughter will not be left in the
same room with my mom or step dad unless one of us is with them...

Thanx for readin.. Hadda get that off my chest :-)


I'm glad you plan to stay with the baby at all times. It will make
you feel better and then you'll know for sure that no food was given.
What is it with these grandparents who think it's so much fun to give
babies their first solids!! My mom also thought a little cereal
wouldn't hurt but when I explained that we were trying to avoid food
allergies and that a baby's system cannot protect against absorbtion
of allergens (not sure if I'm phrasing that right) for a least six
months, she totally backed off. Also, a baby's natural reflex until
four-six months is to push all "stuff" out of their mouth. They will
suck from a bottle but cannot move food from the front to the back of
their mouth. Hopefully grandma will be so charmed by the new baby that
she forgets about the food thing.
  #8  
Old August 12th 03, 06:39 PM
Stephanie
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Default Dealing with "mommy dearest"

(Beth) wrote in message . com...
"Ali's Daddie" wrote in message ...
also posted in am

I am livid with my mother!

Some of you kind of know a little of the background with my mom.

For those who do not... Please don't think that I am being an ass. My mom is
a terrible person, and that is putting it nicely. But, I still think we
should have some kind of working relationship.


You're right. No matter what, she's still your mother and your
daughter's grandmother. Even if you never want to see her again, keep
in mind that grandparents can add a great deal to a child's life.
Even a grandparent who was a lousy parent.



I cannot say I agree with this. (I'll bet that you are a nice person
who generally gives people the benefit of the doubt...)

It is the "no matter what" part I particularly do not agree with.
There comes a time when the behavior of the luny grand-p is
detrimental enough to outweigh the benefits of a granparental
relationship. When that line is neared or crossed, I would not
hesitate to discontinue visitation.

But that is easy for me to say since I am no where near that position.
My Mom and my in-laws both have very strong Don't Butt In It's Their
Kid positions.


My mother and Step Dad are coming for a visit for Labor Day. They have not
met Alegra yet, so this will be their first time to see her in person.

My mother has decided that she is going to give my daughter a french fry or
some mac and cheese or something. I have tried being diplomatic with her.
"Please respect our wishes as fathers" and the like. But she insists. So
finally, I have been forced to take drastic measures. I have told her that
if she gives my daughter anything besides the formula that Jarrod and I use,
I will have her arrested.


This seems a rather drastic response and unlikely to occur. It's
really just an empty threat.

I know that is a little severe. But she simply will not back down.


I totally understand. My mother doesn't back down easily either. I
have discovered that the only way to deal with it is to decide in
advance what I will give in on and what I won't. I let the stuff I
give in on roll off my back and I'm as obstinant as she is on the
stuff I won't but I try to be as polite and sweet about it as
possible.

It sounds like you've made up your mind not to give in on the solids
issue, so just stick to your guns and be vigilent but polite.

Jarrod and I have already decided that our daughter will not be left in the
same room with my mom or step dad unless one of us is with them...


Probably the best solution. That way they can't sneak FF's in when
you're not there. If they try to arrange private time with your
daughter, I would be polite but unfront with them about why you won't
allow it. "I'm sorry mom, but we don't trust that you will respect our
wishes regarding feeding Allegra. Perhaps when she's older."

Good luck. Try to use the time to build bridges with your mother, not
burn them. You'll be glad later if you can manage that.

Beth

  #9  
Old August 12th 03, 08:02 PM
Lynne M.
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Posts: n/a
Default Dealing with "mommy dearest"

"Ali's Daddie" wrote in message ...
also posted in am

I am livid with my mother!

Some of you kind of know a little of the background with my mom.

For those who do not... Please don't think that I am being an ass. My mom is
a terrible person, and that is putting it nicely. But, I still think we
should have some kind of working relationship.

My mother and Step Dad are coming for a visit for Labor Day. They have not
met Alegra yet, so this will be their first time to see her in person.

My mother has decided that she is going to give my daughter a french fry or
some mac and cheese or something. I have tried being diplomatic with her.
"Please respect our wishes as fathers" and the like. But she insists. So
finally, I have been forced to take drastic measures. I have told her that
if she gives my daughter anything besides the formula that Jarrod and I use,
I will have her arrested.

I know that is a little severe. But she simply will not back down.

Why are you having these bizarre conversations with her? Has she
announced that she is coming to visit and she is bring french fries
for your daughter? I agree with Dorothy: you need to work on your
reaction to your mother before you inflict her on your daughter.
Listen to your own words: "She is a terrible person, and that is
putting it nicely." Well, you may have decided that you need to
maintain a working relationship with her, but if she's *that* bad,
you'll need to work hard on something that neutralizes the worst
of her and doesn't drive you crazy in the process.

Some advice: you'll have to build up some calmness and confidence if
you are to maintain a rather distant but cordial relationship with
her. That means no arguing. The food issue is not open for discussion,
period. If she has made her intentions plain, I think your solution
of just not leaving her alone with the baby sounds very sensible.
Don't make empty threats and don't get drawn into conversations that
permit her to jerk you around. If she gets frustrated, that's her
problem, not your problem. You need to stop trying to get her
approval or cooperation. If she doesn't like the way you are raising
your child, you can listen to her advice and murmur something
noncommital, like "well, we'll have to think about that." The
less you discuss, the better. You have already basically stated
that she is not tops on your list for advice or good example,
so don't treat her like that. She's a dreadful relative whom
you wish to see as little as possible.

I do NOT believe that grandparents or any other relatives are
entitled to continue their horrible parenting into the next
generation just because they are relatives, and I speak from
experience. I am very grateful that my children have almost no
relationship with some of my and my husband's relatives. I see no
reason why they should be subjected to other people's psychosis,
belittling, or dreadful head games. Sure they have missed out on
the nice, positive relationships that we all hope for, but what
can you do when these folks aren't around? Take care of yourself
and your child first; your mother sounds like she will learn to
cope. Remember, don't argue with her or she will win.

Lynne
  #10  
Old August 12th 03, 08:09 PM
Shana
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Dealing with "mommy dearest"

I just wanted to say that you are not alone! DH and I have the same issue
with his mom. She wants to feed Keelyn all kinds of crap! Same solution too.
Don't let your baby out of your sight! I can't trust my MIL either!
You are her Daddies. Period. You both know that it is your right to protect
her health and to have your wishes followed. Good luck. Don't stress too
much!

s

"Ali's Daddie" wrote in message
...
also posted in am

I am livid with my mother!

Some of you kind of know a little of the background with my mom.

For those who do not... Please don't think that I am being an ass. My mom

is
a terrible person, and that is putting it nicely. But, I still think we
should have some kind of working relationship.

My mother and Step Dad are coming for a visit for Labor Day. They have not
met Alegra yet, so this will be their first time to see her in person.

My mother has decided that she is going to give my daughter a french fry

or
some mac and cheese or something. I have tried being diplomatic with her.
"Please respect our wishes as fathers" and the like. But she insists. So
finally, I have been forced to take drastic measures. I have told her that
if she gives my daughter anything besides the formula that Jarrod and I

use,
I will have her arrested.

I know that is a little severe. But she simply will not back down.

She started giving my niece cereal at about 2 weeks and then other solids

at
about 6 weeks (mashed up french fries, pasta, etc) and since then, my

niece
has had a terrible digestive problem. She only has a BM about once a week
and it is very painful for her. She is almost 4 years old. My mothers food
choices might not be to blame entirely, but they sure didn't help...

I have tried taking the pediatrician route... "Alegra's pediatrician is

very
adamant about waiting until 5-6 months for solids but we will discuss it

at
the 4 month visit".. But she still goes on and on how "all my kids had
solids at a few weeks old, and they are all fine".. None of us are fine..
But I won't go into my problems because of what she fed to me as a

child...

Anyway... apart from going out of town with Alegra that weekend myself and
avoiding her altogether, do any of you have suggestions on what to do?

Jarrod and I have already decided that our daughter will not be left in

the
same room with my mom or step dad unless one of us is with them...

Thanx for readin.. Hadda get that off my chest :-)

--
LES!

Daddie to Alegra Lee. May 25th 2003!
"Daddie's Little Diva"

before you reply to me via email, please remove your hat
YourHatDaddie at bonbon.net




 




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