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Etiquette Question - wedding invites



 
 
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  #1  
Old July 17th 06, 05:49 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
KD
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Posts: 34
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites

Greetings folks:

Just wanting to get some opinions from out there. We've been invited to
a wedding, which it will cost a fair bit for us to go to; car rental,
gas, clothing for me, wedding gift, etc.

Anyhow, we just learned that our five month old isn't welcome at the
reception, not even for just the dinner portion. The baby is
exclusively breastfed, not like I could just leave him with someone.
Even if he weren't, everyone I know in the area will be at the wedding,
there's no one to leave him with.

Question is, is this the norm for weddings? When I got married this
didn't even cross my mind, and I confess it didn't even occur to me
that DS wouldn't be welcome when we got the invite. I always thought
that weddings were a family celebration, and families do include
children. I can't see us spending all this cash to go, when the most
important member of my family isn't welcome.

What do you all think?

KD & G

  #2  
Old July 17th 06, 06:01 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
sharonx9
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Posts: 4
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites




Just wanting to get some opinions from out there. We've been invited to
a wedding, which it will cost a fair bit for us to go to; car rental,
gas, clothing for me, wedding gift, etc.

Anyhow, we just learned that our five month old isn't welcome at the
reception, not even for just the dinner portion. The baby is
exclusively breastfed, not like I could just leave him with someone.
Even if he weren't, everyone I know in the area will be at the wedding,
there's no one to leave him with.

Question is, is this the norm for weddings? When I got married this
didn't even cross my mind, and I confess it didn't even occur to me
that DS wouldn't be welcome when we got the invite. I always thought
that weddings were a family celebration, and families do include
children. I can't see us spending all this cash to go, when the most
important member of my family isn't welcome.

What do you all think?

KD & G



I don't know about etiquette lol but I would not go if my breastfed baby
were not welcome. You will be gone for quite a while with the wedding and
reception and if he won't take bottles, then it would be a disaster anyway.

--
**
Sharon
**


  #3  
Old July 17th 06, 06:17 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Anne Rogers
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Posts: 1,497
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites

depends on the couple in the end, my parents hadn't had any children at
their wedding and didn't want any to be at ours, when I explained I had
friends who had children who I would be inviting, we came to the decision
that we would not put the child's name on the invite and then let them make
there own decisions, in the end both came to the reception and it was
absolutely fine, but both had asked us beforehand, it would be off to take a
child without letting people know.

On the other hand, since then, when we've been invited to weddings we've
been really touched that our children's names have been on the invites.

My only suggestion is to talk to the couple, explain that you would not be
able to come if you couldn't bring the baby and that you would not let the
baby be noisy and disturb anything (sometimes one bad experience of a baby
or child disturbing procedings can make people think all parents are like
that), if they still don't want you there, then are these people really your
friends? if they can't listen and understand that a breastfed baby has to be
with it's mum....


.....another nice thing we've experienced when travelling to further afield
wedding is that the couple has requested that we don't buy them a gift, that
was very helpful as the most recent wedding we went to involved a flight, a
hotel stay and a hire car!

Anne


  #4  
Old July 17th 06, 06:54 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Dagny
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Posts: 27
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites

I believe the proper response is to send a brief note along these lines:

"Congratulations on the upcoming marriage of your daughter [if RSVPing to
bride's parents]. We are deeply honored to be invited. I wish I could
come, but am not able to leave my five-month-old son with a sitter during
the reception because he is exclusively breastfed per our pediatrician's
recommendation and will not take bottles. The celebrants are very important
to me, and please let them know that I would not miss their wedding for the
world except for this. Please accept my deep regrets. KD"

If you are particularly close to one of the celebrants, it is OK to tell
them by phone why you are not coming, but it is important to state it as a
sad response and not as a request for an exception. The request is implied
in giving the reason; but stating it as a response allows the parties to
save face if they do not want to make an exception. Wedding plans can be
stressful, and you never know what force of nature in the couple's lives is
behind the no-babies rule. It's best to just go along with it. It's
supposed to be the couple's day, and so rarely is, so an invitee's needs are
best left low on the radar.

If they are able, they will respond for you to by all means bring your son.

For the kind of money you're talking about, you could also consider flying
them out to see you for a long weekend a month or two after the honeymoon as
a special treat.

HTH,
Dagny


  #5  
Old July 17th 06, 06:58 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Leslie
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Posts: 185
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites

How did you find out the baby would not be welcome? Was it just
because baby's name wasn't on the invitation, or was it stated
explicitly?

If it was stated explicitly, then I personally probably wouldn't go.
The only way I can think of you doing it would be if you could find a
babysitter to go along with you and sit outside, or in the vestibule or
lobby and you could check on the baby?

If you have not had a conversation with the couple yet, and if they are
close to you, I would talk to them about it. I had a similar situation
last year, when Lorelei was about eight months old. Her name was not
on the invitation. I emailed my friend and asked it was okay to bring
her, that I would come without her if necessary but would have to leave
the reception early. Not only did she tell me to bring her along, but
she seated us, with a highchair, at the head table. :-)

Can't hurt to ask!

Leslie

  #6  
Old July 17th 06, 07:45 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Sue
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 613
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites

We just attended a wedding this weekend with no children invited. It really
does mean no children. Some people have kids and don't mind and then there
are others who don't want children there for a variety of reasons. However,
you need to abide by the wishes of the bride unless you are really close to
her and talk with her about it. But, it looks like the choice is to not go
or find a babysitter, which isn't a bad thing anyway.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

"KD" wrote in message
ups.com...
Greetings folks:

Just wanting to get some opinions from out there. We've been invited to
a wedding, which it will cost a fair bit for us to go to; car rental,
gas, clothing for me, wedding gift, etc.

Anyhow, we just learned that our five month old isn't welcome at the
reception, not even for just the dinner portion. The baby is
exclusively breastfed, not like I could just leave him with someone.
Even if he weren't, everyone I know in the area will be at the wedding,
there's no one to leave him with.

Question is, is this the norm for weddings? When I got married this
didn't even cross my mind, and I confess it didn't even occur to me
that DS wouldn't be welcome when we got the invite. I always thought
that weddings were a family celebration, and families do include
children. I can't see us spending all this cash to go, when the most
important member of my family isn't welcome.

What do you all think?

KD & G



  #7  
Old July 17th 06, 08:39 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Dave {Reply Address In.sig}
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 16
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites

KD wrote:
Question is, is this the norm for weddings? When I got married this
didn't even cross my mind, and I confess it didn't even occur to me
that DS wouldn't be welcome when we got the invite. I always thought
that weddings were a family celebration, and families do include
children. I can't see us spending all this cash to go, when the most
important member of my family isn't welcome.

Some people don't want children at their wedding. Others might be OK
with children at the reception but not at the ceremony.

Your best bet is to politely refuse as you don't want to be separated
from your son, then it's up to the couple whether to follow-up with a
subsequent invite including him.

--
Dave
mail da (without the space)
http://www.llondel.org
So many gadgets, so little time
  #8  
Old July 17th 06, 09:13 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
xkatx
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 690
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites


"KD" wrote in message
ups.com...
Greetings folks:

Just wanting to get some opinions from out there. We've been invited to
a wedding, which it will cost a fair bit for us to go to; car rental,
gas, clothing for me, wedding gift, etc.

Anyhow, we just learned that our five month old isn't welcome at the
reception, not even for just the dinner portion. The baby is
exclusively breastfed, not like I could just leave him with someone.
Even if he weren't, everyone I know in the area will be at the wedding,
there's no one to leave him with.

Question is, is this the norm for weddings? When I got married this
didn't even cross my mind, and I confess it didn't even occur to me
that DS wouldn't be welcome when we got the invite. I always thought
that weddings were a family celebration, and families do include
children. I can't see us spending all this cash to go, when the most
important member of my family isn't welcome.

What do you all think?

KD & G


We're kind of in a similar situation - kinda...
We were invited to SIL's wedding end of June. She made it clear that this
was a family event, and she even told me that I was not welcome to attend if
I did not want to bring our kids. (FWIW, this was disaster time in the
family) DS ended up being sick, so I left him at my mom's house. I decided
to take DD with me, since I did NOT want to deal with 2 kids on my own for
an entire afternoon/evening out in the boonies where this wedding was
located. This wedding was off the wall for me - DH and I were told to bring
$60 worth of sandwich meat, other family members were asked to bring X
amount of buns, salads, dessert, etc. - Friend and I go on and on (between
eachother) about how this was a "bring your own sandwich" wedding. But,
this was a family event.

End of August, we have my cousin's wedding to attend. This wedding is more
along the lines of weddings that I am used to - church reception, catered
dinner, DJ'd dance with a rental hall. We are debating (DH and I) on if we
will go or not. On my side of the family, the only ones that are invited to
this wedding are the immediate family - my parents, my brothers, my aunt and
uncle, my cousin and DH and I. We were outwardly told that 'Children are
not allowed' - it's funny, since our kids are the ONLY ones on my cousin's
(the groom's) side of the family. I also found out, through my aunt (not
the one who's son is getting married) that the bride's side of the family
includes EVERYONE. The ratio of our side to her side is about 1:70. Her
side, the children are welcome to attend. There's far more children of
various ages on her side, and there's only our children on our side.
For me, families should be invited - families ALWAYS include children if
there are children in that particular family. I also feel that the children
in families should always be welcome to attend the church and dinner part,
as well as part of the dance. Small children should be at home, in bed, at
a decent hour, so the norm, that I am used to, is children attend and leave
around 9ish. Parents, if they wish, come back after they drop the kids off
with another family member or a babysitter, or the parents can call it a
night at that. THIS is what I had in mind... Since ours are real young, I
had figured we'd just call it a night around 8 or 9, take the kids home and
put them in bed then head off to bed ourselves. I guess this is NOT
ALLOWED(!!!) for my cousin's wedding, yet it's a 'rule' that is fairly
one-sided.
The difference, though, is that DD will be over a year for this wedding, and
she does not need me around all day and all night. Ours can be left with
Grandma (my MIL) for the afternoon/night, so technically, if I wasn't so
offended over the children on this side not being welcome and the children
on her side being welcome, we'd definitely go. Breastfeeding a young baby,
OTOH, if they are not welcome, I would say nuts to that. I would simply say
the truth. I'm nursing the baby, I am unable to leave him for any extended
period of time, as my son is breastfed. It's not a lie, it's not a story...
I'd just say it like it is!


  #9  
Old July 17th 06, 09:32 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Sarah Vaughan
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 443
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites

KD wrote:
Greetings folks:

Just wanting to get some opinions from out there. We've been invited to
a wedding, which it will cost a fair bit for us to go to; car rental,
gas, clothing for me, wedding gift, etc.

Anyhow, we just learned that our five month old isn't welcome at the
reception, not even for just the dinner portion. The baby is
exclusively breastfed, not like I could just leave him with someone.
Even if he weren't, everyone I know in the area will be at the wedding,
there's no one to leave him with.

Question is, is this the norm for weddings?


It's one of those things that are up to the couple getting married. It
is legitimate under the rules of etiquette to have a no-children rule.
It's also legitimate, however, for you to decide that in that case you
can't go.

I'm with Dagny on this one; I wouldn't ask them for an exception, as
they _are_ within their rights to do this and putting pressure on them
is a little unfair. Just write a polite note saying that unfortunately
you can't leave your baby at such a young age but would have loved to
attend otherwise and your thoughts will be with them. (Extra details
about breastfeeding are an optional extra - frankly, I wouldn't bother.
It's perfectly reasonable not to want to leave your young child for
that long regardless of how he's fed, and putting too much detail into
turning down an invitation can have a 'protesting too much' effect and
make it look as though you're making up excuses.) Then, leave it at
that. If they want to make an exception to the no-children rule for you
then they can get in touch and do so, but this way they don't feel under
pressure to invite someone they don't want to invite.


All the best,

Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell
  #10  
Old July 17th 06, 09:35 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Sarah Vaughan
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 443
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites

xkatx wrote:
"KD" wrote in message
ups.com...
Greetings folks:

Just wanting to get some opinions from out there. We've been invited to
a wedding, which it will cost a fair bit for us to go to; car rental,
gas, clothing for me, wedding gift, etc.

Anyhow, we just learned that our five month old isn't welcome at the
reception, not even for just the dinner portion. The baby is
exclusively breastfed, not like I could just leave him with someone.
Even if he weren't, everyone I know in the area will be at the wedding,
there's no one to leave him with.

Question is, is this the norm for weddings? When I got married this
didn't even cross my mind, and I confess it didn't even occur to me
that DS wouldn't be welcome when we got the invite. I always thought
that weddings were a family celebration, and families do include
children. I can't see us spending all this cash to go, when the most
important member of my family isn't welcome.

What do you all think?

KD & G


We're kind of in a similar situation - kinda...
We were invited to SIL's wedding end of June. She made it clear that this
was a family event, and she even told me that I was not welcome to attend if
I did not want to bring our kids. (FWIW, this was disaster time in the
family) DS ended up being sick, so I left him at my mom's house. I decided
to take DD with me, since I did NOT want to deal with 2 kids on my own for
an entire afternoon/evening out in the boonies where this wedding was
located. This wedding was off the wall for me - DH and I were told to bring
$60 worth of sandwich meat, other family members were asked to bring X
amount of buns, salads, dessert, etc.


Good lord. I'd have written a polite note declining the invitation. I
like to feel that I'm a guest and not a caterer.


All the best,

Sarah

--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell
 




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