Have only child and want another...advice

Hi,



I really need some advice and I hope this is an appropriate place to post. I
have an 8 year old daughter and for about a year now I have wanted a second.
Whenever I bring the topic of babies up with my daughter she gets very
upset. She says she doesn't want a sibling and wants it to be just her. My
best friend is pregnant and due any day now. I asked DD tonight if she
though XX (my fiends 2 yr old) would think it fun to have anew baby. She
said, "No Mommy, X will be upset" and turned away from me with a sad look. I
feel if she hurts so much now just discussing it, what on earth will she
feel if I have another?



I am so torn. I have longing for another child BUT I don not want it to come
between me and my DD. For the longest time I never wanted another child. I
was too selfish and self absorbed. I am ashamed to say I had an abortion
when she was 4 as I just felt another would be too much. My husband is all
for the idea as he was very hurt over the abortion. I feel I have matured a
lot over the last few years (I am 29) and am no longer selfish kid who is
only interested in herself and material things.



My mother says that I have just forgotten how hard babies and toddlers are
and that I should stick with one, as it is easier. She was the only person
who was supportive of my abortion.



I want to make the right choice for me and my family without hurting DD. Is
that possible or are kids always hurt when a new sibling arrives?



Money, my marriage, work etc are not an issue at all in this, it is just my
relationship with DD. I would like some honest advice.

I don't see where it's your daughters decision. If you and DH want to add to
your family, you don't need her permission (or your mothers, for that
matter).





"Shelly" wrote in message
...
Hi,



I really need some advice and I hope this is an appropriate place to post.
I
have an 8 year old daughter and for about a year now I have wanted a
second.
Whenever I bring the topic of babies up with my daughter she gets very
upset. She says she doesn't want a sibling and wants it to be just her. My
best friend is pregnant and due any day now. I asked DD tonight if she
though XX (my fiends 2 yr old) would think it fun to have anew baby. She
said, "No Mommy, X will be upset" and turned away from me with a sad look.
I
feel if she hurts so much now just discussing it, what on earth will she
feel if I have another?



I am so torn. I have longing for another child BUT I don not want it to
come
between me and my DD. For the longest time I never wanted another child. I
was too selfish and self absorbed. I am ashamed to say I had an abortion
when she was 4 as I just felt another would be too much. My husband is all
for the idea as he was very hurt over the abortion. I feel I have matured
a
lot over the last few years (I am 29) and am no longer selfish kid who is
only interested in herself and material things.



My mother says that I have just forgotten how hard babies and toddlers are
and that I should stick with one, as it is easier. She was the only person
who was supportive of my abortion.



I want to make the right choice for me and my family without hurting DD.
Is
that possible or are kids always hurt when a new sibling arrives?



Money, my marriage, work etc are not an issue at all in this, it is just
my
relationship with DD. I would like some honest advice.

"dejablues" wrote in message
...
I don't see where it's your daughters decision. If you and DH want to add
to
your family, you don't need her permission (or your mothers, for that
matter).

I think my mother would be mortified if she even thought I was thinking of
trying, she always told me kids ruin your life (but that's a whole other
thread!)

Its not as if I want her permission, but I want her to be happy. I feel a
sibling would make her sad, even though it would make me happy. Then I feel
that being a parent is about putting your child happiness before your own
and that I am selfish for wanting another and turning her life upside down
and inside out. Its so confusing! Thanks for the advice..

"Shelly" wrote in message
...
Its not as if I want her permission, but I want her to be happy. I feel a
sibling would make her sad, even though it would make me happy. Then I
feel
that being a parent is about putting your child happiness before your own
and that I am selfish for wanting another and turning her life upside down
and inside out. Its so confusing! Thanks for the advice..

I don't think she really knows what having a sibling will be like until she
has one. There's a very good chance she'll just adore the sibling when it
arrives. I think most kids just think of a new baby as a given, rather than
a choice they had any say in. Did you ask her if you should have a baby?

"toypup" wrote in message
news:Qy%ac.156690$Cb.1612019@attbi_s51...

"Shelly" wrote in message
...
Its not as if I want her permission, but I want her to be happy. I feel
a
sibling would make her sad, even though it would make me happy. Then I
feel
that being a parent is about putting your child happiness before your
own
and that I am selfish for wanting another and turning her life upside
down
and inside out. Its so confusing! Thanks for the advice..

I don't think she really knows what having a sibling will be like until
she
has one. There's a very good chance she'll just adore the sibling when it
arrives. I think most kids just think of a new baby as a given, rather
than
a choice they had any say in. Did you ask her if you should have a baby?

Yes, she said she likes being special and she wants to be "my only one"

Yes she may adore the sibling, but she may also not stand the sight of
him/her. I cant stand my sisters and I am very jealous of them. I am the
eldest, so I know what its like to be knocked off the throne. It still hurts
now!!! I was 3 at the time. I dread to think how DD will feel. I know I was
devastated.

KA-ching!
You are transferring your own negative experience (no doubt helped along by
your mothers actions) onto your daughter. Not everyone views a sibling as a
horrible, detrimental thing. NO kid should be put on a throne! Life is all
about getting along with other people.
I am the eldest of four , having three younger brothers. Sure , they were a
pain for a while, and we fought like cats and dogs, but now they are my best
friends. They grew up, got married, and had kids of their own, (my childrens
first cousins). I wouldn't trade that for any sense of exclusivity or
privilege that I would have gotten by being an only child.
If you can't get past these feelings, and still want to have another child,
I would suggest counseling.


"Shelly" wrote in message
...

". I cant stand my sisters and I am very jealous of them. I am the
eldest, so I know what its like to be knocked off the throne. It still
hurts
now!!! I was 3 at the time. I dread to think how DD will feel. I know I
was
devastated.

Shelly wrote:

I really need some advice and I hope this is an appropriate place to post. I
have an 8 year old daughter and for about a year now I have wanted a second.
Whenever I bring the topic of babies up with my daughter she gets very
upset. She says she doesn't want a sibling and wants it to be just her. My
best friend is pregnant and due any day now. I asked DD tonight if she
though XX (my fiends 2 yr old) would think it fun to have anew baby. She
said, "No Mommy, X will be upset" and turned away from me with a sad look. I
feel if she hurts so much now just discussing it, what on earth will she
feel if I have another?

I am so torn. I have longing for another child BUT I don not want it to come
between me and my DD.

I think it is completely unfair of you to bring
your daughter into this discussion. It's not her decision
to make. While some children in this situation would
welcome a sibling, it's not at all uncommon for children
this age to have decided they like life just fine as it
is and not to want to shake things up and start sharing
mommy and daddy. Clearly, your daughter is in the latter
camp. However, she totally doesn't have the maturity or
the perspective to know what life will be like with a
sibling and it flat out isn't her prerogative or responsibility
to decide, and you put her in a very bad situation by trying
to get her to give you permission to have another child.
You have to decide on your own whether you want
another or not. You can obviously take into account what
you think a sibling will do for/to her, but you make the
decision. If you decide to have another child, then
you just present it to her when it's time without all
the agonizing and without trying to sugar coat it either.
No doubt, if you have another she will be upset
for a time. She may even continue being upset for a while
after the baby is born. But obviously, you will work hard
to ensure that a baby doesn't completely turn her life
upside down. You'll want to ensure that she is able to
continue her activities that are important to her and
that she has one-on-one time with you and her father.
She will adapt, particularly if you are sensitive to
her needs and if you present it positively.
On the other hand, it will certainly be a life
style change for all of you. Yes, it's a challenge
going back to babyhood (we just did that, having our
third last summer when the older two were six and eight
years old). It's also a challenge keeping up a busy
schedule of activities for the older kids while caring
for a baby. Personally, it's worked out well for us
and my 8yo (now 9yo) is absolutely thrilled with his
baby sister and just adores her and plays with her all
the time. He's a huge help. We didn't necessarily
expect that of him, but it's a very nice surprise. Life
is certainly a lot more complicated with a baby, but
we're enjoying it.
Having another child has lots of repercussions,
but it certainly should not destroy your relationship
with your daughter. If it does, then there is something
else seriously wrong with the relationship that needs
fixing.

Best wishes,
Ericka

dejablues wrote in message
...
I don't see where it's your daughters decision. If you and DH want to add
to
your family, you don't need her permission (or your mothers, for that
matter).

Typical feminist "I'm in charge and make the decisions here" attitude :-(

I think Shelly is an excellent parent for considering how it will affect the
child she already has.
Sibling rivalry is very important and the arrival of a second child can be
devestating on the first who suddenly feels her position is usurped.

DD must know other kids who have siblings.
Try to enrol her into the excitement of having her own little brother or
sister and once it arrives keep her involved:
she can help feed it bath it etcetera... it will make her feel important and
responsible and she will love it ;-)

"Chris Scaife" wrote in message
...

dejablues wrote in message
...
I don't see where it's your daughters decision. If you and DH want to
add
to
your family, you don't need her permission (or your mothers, for that
matter).

Typical feminist "I'm in charge and make the decisions here" attitude :-(

What, you think an 8 year old should be the decision maker? Or maybe
grandma? Great idea.

The person who is going to take on the responsibility of another baby,
lifelong, is the decision maker. That's a no-brainer.


Shelly, if you want another baby, then have one. But stop asking your child
for permission. You are the grownup. If you have a baby, it's *your* baby,
not your daughter's. They may get along, they may not. You can't predict
that. But your daughter shouldn't be given the idea that she has any say in
the matter. It isn't her baby.

Donna

Feminism has nothing to do with it. Children should not be privy to adult
decisions. Something you don't agree with, obviously, having exposed your
child to all the nastiness adults can dish up.





"Chris Scaife" wrote in message
...

dejablues wrote in message
...
I don't see where it's your daughters decision. If you and DH want to
add
to
your family, you don't need her permission (or your mothers, for that
matter).

Typical feminist "I'm in charge and make the decisions here" attitude :-(

I think Shelly is an excellent parent for considering how it will affect
the
child she already has.
Sibling rivalry is very important and the arrival of a second child can be
devestating on the first who suddenly feels her position is usurped.

DD must know other kids who have siblings.
Try to enrol her into the excitement of having her own little brother or
sister and once it arrives keep her involved:
she can help feed it bath it etcetera... it will make her feel important
and
responsible and she will love it ;-)