Moving out of state and sharing child custody

Hello,

I need some advice on the following situation. I want to marry a girl
who is divorced and has a 4 year old daughter. She has shared custody
of the child with her ex-husband. They both live in California not
very far from each other, so according to the court order, the child
spends half of the week with her mother and the rest with her father.
Now, I used to live close to the girl but recently moved out of state
to Texas on a new job and cannot move back in the next few years. I
want to marry her and want her to move to Texas, but at the same time
don't want her to lose custody of her child. She raised the child
entirely by herself and it has only been recently that her ex-husband
has been sharing custody, most probably to avoid paying for child
support. What can we do in such a situation so that she can move to
Texas but still have either partial or full custody of her child?

Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

On Feb 24, 6:51?pm, "eric" wrote:
Hello,

I need some advice on the following situation. I want to marry a girl
who is divorced and has a 4 year old daughter. She has shared custody
of the child with her ex-husband. They both live in California not
very far from each other, so according to the court order, the child
spends half of the week with her mother and the rest with her father.
Now, I used to live close to the girl but recently moved out of state
to Texas on a new job and cannot move back in the next few years. I
want to marry her and want her to move to Texas, but at the same time
don't want her to lose custody of her child. She raised the child
entirely by herself and it has only been recently that her ex-husband
has been sharing custody, most probably to avoid paying for child
support. What can we do in such a situation so that she can move to
Texas but still have either partial or full custody of her child?

Any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

Very little.

"eric" wrote
Hello,

I need some advice on the following situation. I want to marry a girl
who is divorced and has a 4 year old daughter. She has shared custody
of the child with her ex-husband. They both live in California not
very far from each other, so according to the court order, the child
spends half of the week with her mother and the rest with her father.
Now, I used to live close to the girl but recently moved out of state
to Texas on a new job and cannot move back in the next few years. I
want to marry her and want her to move to Texas, but at the same time
don't want her to lose custody of her child. She raised the child
entirely by herself and it has only been recently that her ex-husband
has been sharing custody, most probably to avoid paying for child
support. What can we do in such a situation so that she can move to
Texas but still have either partial or full custody of her child?
==
So...you want to take the child away from her dad and make him pay for it to
boot via CS.
Wonderful. Hopefully, the mother will recognize the importance of the
child's relationship
with her dad and tell you to get lost. Then again, you could accept the
responsibility of transporting the
child back to her dad's every few days for his share of the parenting. Oh,
oh--How about this--Dad gets full custody and mom
pays CS. How's that?

On Feb 24, 8:11?pm, "Gini" wrote:
have either partial or full custody of her child?

==
So...you want to take the child away from her dad and make him pay for it to
boot via CS.
Wonderful. Hopefully, the mother will recognize the importance of the
child's relationship
with her dad and tell you to get lost. Then again, you could accept the
responsibility of transporting the
child back to her dad's every few days for his share of the parenting. Oh,
oh--How about this--Dad gets full custody and mom
pays CS. How's that?

Seems reasonable to me.

Listen Romeo, just because you love this woman, you want to take a
child from her father? Doesn't work that way.

On Feb 24, 8:26 pm, "Relayer" wrote:
On Feb 24, 8:11?pm, "Gini" wrote:
have either partial or full custody of her child?



==
So...you want to take the child away from her dad and make him pay for it to
boot via CS.
Wonderful. Hopefully, the mother will recognize the importance of the
child's relationship
with her dad and tell you to get lost. Then again, you could accept the
responsibility of transporting the
child back to her dad's every few days for his share of the parenting. Oh,
oh--How about this--Dad gets full custody and mom
pays CS. How's that?

Seems reasonable to me.

Listen Romeo, just because you love this woman, you want to take a
child from her father? Doesn't work that way.

Thanks both of you for your very helpful responses

First of all, I don't want to take a child from her father if the
father really cares about the child. From my posting, does the person
sound like a very good father? I did mention about him not taking any
responsibility earlier in raising the child and now that he doesn't
want to pay for child support, he has been sharing the custody. From
what I hear, he does not treat the child well and so even the child
does not like being with him any more. I can go on with it and try to
prove that he is not a good father, but that's not the point here
(Ideally I would like the child to be with her mother even if the
latter is not marrying me and moving to Texas, and that's only for the
child's good). I will appreciate any advice that tries to address my
situation. Thanks again.

"eric" wrote
On Feb 24, 8:26 pm, "Relayer" wrote:
On Feb 24, 8:11?pm, "Gini" wrote:
have either partial or full custody of her child?



==
So...you want to take the child away from her dad and make him pay for
it to
boot via CS.
Wonderful. Hopefully, the mother will recognize the importance of the
child's relationship
with her dad and tell you to get lost. Then again, you could accept the
responsibility of transporting the
child back to her dad's every few days for his share of the parenting.
Oh,
oh--How about this--Dad gets full custody and mom
pays CS. How's that?

Seems reasonable to me.

Listen Romeo, just because you love this woman, you want to take a
child from her father? Doesn't work that way.

Thanks both of you for your very helpful responses

First of all, I don't want to take a child from her father if the
father really cares about the child. From my posting, does the person
sound like a very good father?
==
That's NOT your decision or business.
==
I did mention about him not taking any
responsibility earlier in raising the child and now that he doesn't
want to pay for child support, he has been sharing the custody.
==
Really? That's YOUR side of it.
==
From
what I hear, he does not treat the child well and so even the child
does not like being with him any more.
==
From what you hear? Well, then, it must be so.
==
I can go on with it and try to
prove that he is not a good father,
==
Yep. We've heard it all before. This is the part where you come back and
tell
us how he abused the wife and bought birthday presents at the Dollar Store.
==
but that's not the point here
(Ideally I would like the child to be with her mother even if the
latter is not marrying me and moving to Texas, and that's only for the
child's good).
==
Really? And you base this judgment on what you heard? You're a real gem.
Can't wait to hear from you
when you're the dad and your ex takes off with a new sweetie, dragging the
kid along, and charges you for the privilege.
==
I will appreciate any advice that tries to address my
situation. Thanks again.
==
Sure--and you'll take any pats on the back for what a noble person you are
getting that
child away from her abusive slimeball father that she can't stand (or so you
hear).
Sweet. See, we hear this all the time (but the knight in shining armour is
usually named Brian).
==
==

"eric" wrote:
First of all, I don't want to take a child from her father if the
father really cares about the child. snip

Whether or not he's a caring parent or not makes no difference.
What you have heard, think or opine makes no difference. There
is, presumably, a custody decree in place, and the court(s) would
take a dim view of her cicumventing the court's order by effectively
kidnapping the kid. Even a Texas court would enforce a California
custody decree. The U.S. Constitution's "full faith and credit" clause
can be blamed for that. Her (your) only shot would be to go back
to court and ask the judge to modify the the custodial decree. =R=

On 24 Feb 2007 18:55:21 -0800, "eric" wrote:

On Feb 24, 8:26 pm, "Relayer" wrote:
On Feb 24, 8:11?pm, "Gini" wrote:
have either partial or full custody of her child?



==
So...you want to take the child away from her dad and make him pay for it to
boot via CS.
Wonderful. Hopefully, the mother will recognize the importance of the
child's relationship
with her dad and tell you to get lost. Then again, you could accept the
responsibility of transporting the
child back to her dad's every few days for his share of the parenting. Oh,
oh--How about this--Dad gets full custody and mom
pays CS. How's that?

Seems reasonable to me.

Listen Romeo, just because you love this woman, you want to take a
child from her father? Doesn't work that way.

Thanks both of you for your very helpful responses

First of all, I don't want to take a child from her father if the
father really cares about the child. From my posting, does the person
sound like a very good father? I did mention about him not taking any
responsibility earlier in raising the child and now that he doesn't
want to pay for child support, he has been sharing the custody. From
what I hear, he does not treat the child well and so even the child
does not like being with him any more. I can go on with it and try to
prove that he is not a good father, but that's not the point here
(Ideally I would like the child to be with her mother even if the
latter is not marrying me and moving to Texas, and that's only for the
child's good). I will appreciate any advice that tries to address my
situation. Thanks again.

Not surprisingly, you've gotten some pretty blunt replies. The
sharpness of the replies is not at all surprising because a *lot* of
people here have had to deal with unpleasant custody issues. And the
sort of scenario you have posted is pretty typical... of one (and
*only* one) side of the issue.

Personally, I've been on both sides. For a while, I was the NCP of my
son. And then, for reasons that seemed good then (and still do) I
went to court and forced a change of custody of our son from his
mother to myself.

So from personal experience, I can guess that while you're sure that
the child really *should* be taken from his father... the truth is
that the relationship you have with his mother *certainly* biases your
point of view. Most probably, the reality is that the father is not
as bad as either you or your gf believe. And the reality *also* is
that a child needs a relationship with *both* parents... even if they
aren't optimal at the parenting task.

Now... You ask for suggestions. Here's one that you don't want:
Quit your job in Texas. Move closer geographically to the people you
claim to love, and get a job there. Is this a sacrifice? Yes it is.
But that's one of the things we do when we love someone else. We put
*their* well-being on a par with our own.

rj

On Feb 25, 3:17�am, (rj) wrote:
On 24 Feb 2007 18:55:21 -0800, "eric" wrote:





On Feb 24, 8:26 pm, "Relayer" wrote:
On Feb 24, 8:11?pm, "Gini" wrote:
*have either partial or full custody of her child?

==
So...you want to take the child away from her dad and make him pay for it to
boot via CS.
Wonderful. Hopefully, the mother will recognize the importance of the
child's relationship
with her dad and tell you to get lost. Then again, you could accept the
responsibility of transporting the
child back to her dad's every few days for his share of the parenting. Oh,
oh--How about this--Dad gets full custody and mom
pays CS. How's that?

Seems reasonable to me.

Listen Romeo, just because you love this woman, you want to take a
child from her father? Doesn't work that way.

Thanks both of you for your very helpful responses

First of all, I don't want to take a child from her father if the
father really cares about the child. From my posting, does the person
sound like a very good father? I did mention about him not taking any
responsibility earlier in raising the child and now that he doesn't
want to pay for child support, he has been sharing the custody. From
what I hear, he does not treat the child well and so even the child
does not like being with him any more. I can go on with it and try to
prove that he is not a good father, but that's not the point here
(Ideally I would like the child to be with her mother even if the
latter is not marrying me and moving to Texas, and that's only for the
child's good). I will appreciate any advice that tries to address my
situation. Thanks again.

Not surprisingly, you've gotten some pretty blunt replies. *The
sharpness of the replies is not at all surprising because a *lot* of
people here have had to deal with unpleasant custody issues. *And the
sort of scenario you have posted is pretty typical... of one (and
*only* one) side of the issue.

Personally, I've been on both sides. *For a while, I was the NCP of my
son. *And then, for reasons that seemed good then (and still do) I
went to court and forced a change of custody of our son from his
mother to myself.

So from personal experience, I can guess that while you're sure that
the child really *should* be taken from his father... the truth is
that the relationship you have with his mother *certainly* biases your
point of view. *Most probably, the reality is that the father is not
as bad as either you or your gf believe. *And the reality *also* is
that a child needs a relationship with *both* parents... even if they
aren't optimal at the parenting task.

Now... *You ask for suggestions. *Here's one that you don't want:
Quit your job in Texas. *Move closer geographically to the people you
claim to love, and get a job there. *Is this a sacrifice? *Yes it is.
But that's one of the things we do when we love someone else. *We put
*their* well-being on a par with our own.

rj- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -

He wants the man to sacrifice his relationship with his own child but
is not willing to sacrifice a job to be with the woman.

You can always get another job. You can't get another child.

Case Closed.

rj wrote
"eric" wrote:
...........................................

First of all, I don't want to take a child from her father if the
father really cares about the child. From my posting, does the person
sound like a very good father? I did mention about him not taking any
responsibility earlier in raising the child and now that he doesn't
want to pay for child support, he has been sharing the custody. From
what I hear, he does not treat the child well and so even the child
does not like being with him any more. I can go on with it and try to
prove that he is not a good father, but that's not the point here
(Ideally I would like the child to be with her mother even if the
latter is not marrying me and moving to Texas, and that's only for the
child's good). I will appreciate any advice that tries to address my
situation. Thanks again.

Not surprisingly, you've gotten some pretty blunt replies. The
sharpness of the replies is not at all surprising because a *lot* of
people here have had to deal with unpleasant custody issues. And the
sort of scenario you have posted is pretty typical... of one (and
*only* one) side of the issue.
.........................................

Now... You ask for suggestions. Here's one that you don't want:
Quit your job in Texas. Move closer geographically to the people you
claim to love, and get a job there. Is this a sacrifice? Yes it is.
But that's one of the things we do when we love someone else. We put
*their* well-being on a par with our own.
==
Good post. It also seems important
that this man stay out of the relationship between father and child. It is
not for him to judge
whether "the father really cares about the child."
It is simply none of his business. I learned this from sound experience--as
a remarried
custodial mom (and sometimes a noncustodial mom). Neither my DH nor ex
interjected themselves negatively
into my subsequent relationships with my children/husband. My husband has
rarely
criticized my ex and never within earshot of my children even though he
willingly carried a disproportionate
share of their expenses. My older boys, now grown, have one of the best
stepdads on the planet and they know that very well.
My DH, my ex, and myself always knew that the kids had no choice in the
divorce matter and their welfare
was paramount to any ill feelings between the grownups. My ex was always
welcome in our home and my subsequent
children/myself/my DH were always welcome in my ex's home. We simply all
chose to get along out of respect for all the
children involved. We still do. Nothing else mattered/matters.