Sleeping arrangements...

Hi,

Seeking a bit of honest advice and opinion here. For a few year now my (now
9) son has been sleeping in the same bed as me. It's never been an
intentional thing, his getting out his own bed and getting in with me became
so regular an occurrence that he's cut out the middle bit and just gets in
my bed at bedtime, reads his beano's and goes to sleep. However, my ex has
contacted social services and I've received a letter from them, here's the
key paragraph :

"We will not be taking any further action regarding this information at this
point. However, I would like to advise you that given ********'s age this
does not appear to be an appropriate arrangement. I would urge you to
consider ********'s needs as a young man and rectify this situation as soon
as possible"

It's never crossed my mind that this could be considered inappropriate and
is a situation that needs 'rectifying'. My initial reaction is to tell them
where to shove this but I'm trying to be level-headed and having a good look
at this before I respond.

I've had a wee talk to him and read out the letter to him. I've suggested
that he goes to his own bed and if any time in the night he feels the need,
(nightmares, spider in room etc !) then to come get in with me and if
possible not wake me up ! Is this a sensible course of action ? Do I need to
do anything ? I've always felt he'll want his own space as when. This is
just onether in a long line of 'problems' my ex creates. He's very much a
daddies boy, we have a shared residency order, he's with me over half the
week, getting him to stay with mum is often difficult and distressing.
Enough, any advice appreciated...

John

John wrote:
Hi,

Seeking a bit of honest advice and opinion here. For a few year now my (now
9) son has been sleeping in the same bed as me. It's never been an
intentional thing, his getting out his own bed and getting in with me became
so regular an occurrence that he's cut out the middle bit and just gets in
my bed at bedtime, reads his beano's and goes to sleep. However, my ex has
contacted social services and I've received a letter from them, here's the
key paragraph :

"We will not be taking any further action regarding this information at this
point. However, I would like to advise you that given ********'s age this
does not appear to be an appropriate arrangement. I would urge you to
consider ********'s needs as a young man and rectify this situation as soon
as possible"

It's never crossed my mind that this could be considered inappropriate and
is a situation that needs 'rectifying'. My initial reaction is to tell them
where to shove this but I'm trying to be level-headed and having a good look
at this before I respond.

I've had a wee talk to him and read out the letter to him. I've suggested
that he goes to his own bed and if any time in the night he feels the need,
(nightmares, spider in room etc !) then to come get in with me and if
possible not wake me up ! Is this a sensible course of action ? Do I need to
do anything ? I've always felt he'll want his own space as when. This is
just onether in a long line of 'problems' my ex creates. He's very much a
daddies boy, we have a shared residency order, he's with me over half the
week, getting him to stay with mum is often difficult and distressing.
Enough, any advice appreciated...

It's a tough one, my heart goes out to you. How fresh is the divorce?
It sounds like it's been a hostile one. I know when I went through
mine, when it was nastiest, the girls crawled into bed a lot with me,
and I let them because I knew they needed the security when everything
else in their lives was a shambles. So you have probably been doing the
right thing - responding to your son's need for security and comfort.
The hostile relations between your ex and you are only going to prolong
his need to crawl into bed with you, so you could rebut back to your
ex's lawyer something along those lines, perhaps requesting
mediation/counseling to put together a proactive plan with a more
reasonable timeframe than "immediately."

With that said, ask yourself if you are centering too much of your life
around your child, now that you are single again. Sometimes parents can
burden the children unduly with their own unfulfilled needs, and the
child starts to feel responsible for ensuring dad isn't lonely. Not
saying that is the case with you, but it is something you should ask
yourself.

As far as the age that children should stop sleeping with parents, I do
feel strongly that puberty is the key age, starting around 10 or 11.
Kids entering adolescence definetly need privacy. So your ex's concern
isn't really all that off the mark, and I would not dismiss it out of
hand. However, she is putting you in a bind because if the divorce is
very fresh and the hostility between you is very high, your son may at
this point in time need the security more than the privacy.

I would say that your goal should be to ease the kid out of your bed by
age 10. If he needs security, abruptly booting him out isn't going to
help matters. To get there, work on reducing the hostility between you
and your ex, and if you are relying on your son too much to keep you
company, then address that as well. If you can do those two things, you
will probably find that your son stops coming to your bed all on his
own, because he will have the freedom and breathing room to
differentiate from both his parents, as he is supposed to do as he
enters adolescence.

jen

"shinypenny" wrote in message
oups.com...

John wrote:
Hi,

Seeking a bit of honest advice and opinion here. For a few year now my
(now
9) son has been sleeping in the same bed as me. It's never been an
intentional thing, his getting out his own bed and getting in with me
became
so regular an occurrence that he's cut out the middle bit and just gets
in
my bed at bedtime, reads his beano's and goes to sleep. However, my ex
has
contacted social services and I've received a letter from them, here's
the
key paragraph :

"We will not be taking any further action regarding this information at
this
point. However, I would like to advise you that given ********'s age this
does not appear to be an appropriate arrangement. I would urge you to
consider ********'s needs as a young man and rectify this situation as
soon
as possible"

It's never crossed my mind that this could be considered inappropriate
and
is a situation that needs 'rectifying'. My initial reaction is to tell
them
where to shove this but I'm trying to be level-headed and having a good
look
at this before I respond.

I've had a wee talk to him and read out the letter to him. I've suggested
that he goes to his own bed and if any time in the night he feels the
need,
(nightmares, spider in room etc !) then to come get in with me and if
possible not wake me up ! Is this a sensible course of action ? Do I need
to
do anything ? I've always felt he'll want his own space as when. This is
just onether in a long line of 'problems' my ex creates. He's very much a
daddies boy, we have a shared residency order, he's with me over half the
week, getting him to stay with mum is often difficult and distressing.
Enough, any advice appreciated...

It's a tough one, my heart goes out to you. How fresh is the divorce?
It sounds like it's been a hostile one. I know when I went through
mine, when it was nastiest, the girls crawled into bed a lot with me,
and I let them because I knew they needed the security when everything
else in their lives was a shambles. So you have probably been doing the
right thing - responding to your son's need for security and comfort.
The hostile relations between your ex and you are only going to prolong
his need to crawl into bed with you, so you could rebut back to your
ex's lawyer something along those lines, perhaps requesting
mediation/counseling to put together a proactive plan with a more
reasonable timeframe than "immediately."

With that said, ask yourself if you are centering too much of your life
around your child, now that you are single again. Sometimes parents can
burden the children unduly with their own unfulfilled needs, and the
child starts to feel responsible for ensuring dad isn't lonely. Not
saying that is the case with you, but it is something you should ask
yourself.

As far as the age that children should stop sleeping with parents, I do
feel strongly that puberty is the key age, starting around 10 or 11.
Kids entering adolescence definetly need privacy. So your ex's concern
isn't really all that off the mark, and I would not dismiss it out of
hand. However, she is putting you in a bind because if the divorce is
very fresh and the hostility between you is very high, your son may at
this point in time need the security more than the privacy.

I would say that your goal should be to ease the kid out of your bed by
age 10. If he needs security, abruptly booting him out isn't going to
help matters. To get there, work on reducing the hostility between you
and your ex, and if you are relying on your son too much to keep you
company, then address that as well. If you can do those two things, you
will probably find that your son stops coming to your bed all on his
own, because he will have the freedom and breathing room to
differentiate from both his parents, as he is supposed to do as he
enters adolescence.

jen


Thanks for that, some excellent points.

I just found the social services letter, and its possible insinuations, most
offensive. So, starting tonight, he goes to bed in his own bed and if he has
any problem in the night then he knows where I am. Well, where I should be,
I'm often asleep on the settee in the early hours ! He understands and is
happy with that so we're addressing the 'problem' with no ill effects for
now.

We have an older boy, 13, he was a baby when we met and I've been dad to him
ever since. He was never a clingy boy and is quite happy with the 50/50 ish
living arrangement we have now. The seperation (we weren't married) was some
years ago and the levels of hostility have been high at times. The
criticisms on my child care have been continuous but not unexpected, that's
ok with me, everyone has different views but this criticism is unpleasant
and I don't like being 'bullied' into doing things her way. She can't see
that it cuts both ways, I don't like mums idea of discipline which is, to
put it bluntly, a good belting. That happens far too much and I'm very much
opposed to it (although, in extreme cases, a precisely controlled kick up
the backside can have its uses!) but I don't make a big deal of it and start
bleating to social services, I just advise them on how they can best avoid
it !

Anyway, before I further embark on a course of uncontrolled rambling, the
support I'm getting is great, I see now that this situation isn't freaky and
shouldn't be raising eyebrows. Solicitors advice is to bin the letter and,
exactly as you said, start the 'own bed by 10' plan.

Thanks again for the response, most appreciated !

John

John wrote:
Thanks for that, some excellent points.

I just found the social services letter, and its possible insinuations, most
offensive. So, starting tonight, he goes to bed in his own bed and if he has
any problem in the night then he knows where I am. Well, where I should be,
I'm often asleep on the settee in the early hours ! He understands and is
happy with that so we're addressing the 'problem' with no ill effects for
now.

Sounds like a good plan, and that you are handling it just right. If
your son has been feeling responsible for you and crawling into bed not
for his own security, but to make sure you're not lonely, then you just
gave him the reassurance he needs to sleep on his own - dad will be
just fine! Yet you also gave him an "in" if he has nightmares or
whatever and needs his dad.


We have an older boy, 13, he was a baby when we met and I've been dad to him
ever since. He was never a clingy boy and is quite happy with the 50/50 ish
living arrangement we have now. The seperation (we weren't married) was some
years ago and the levels of hostility have been high at times. The
criticisms on my child care have been continuous but not unexpected, that's
ok with me, everyone has different views but this criticism is unpleasant
and I don't like being 'bullied' into doing things her way.

Yeah, it's easy to bristle and dig in your heels when you're getting
criticized and dictated to by someone who no longer shares your life.
But, the important thing to remember is to keep your eye on the
objective he the well-being of your children. Even if that means
capitulating to your ex's wishes, if it's the right thing for your
kids, it's the right thing period. You won't be doing it because she
demands it - you are doing it because it's right for the kids.


She can't see
that it cuts both ways, I don't like mums idea of discipline which is, to
put it bluntly, a good belting. That happens far too much and I'm very much
opposed to it (although, in extreme cases, a precisely controlled kick up
the backside can have its uses!) but I don't make a big deal of it and start
bleating to social services, I just advise them on how they can best avoid
it !

Hmm. That doesn't sound good. Are your children safe with her?

Anyway, before I further embark on a course of uncontrolled rambling, the
support I'm getting is great, I see now that this situation isn't freaky and
shouldn't be raising eyebrows. Solicitors advice is to bin the letter and,
exactly as you said, start the 'own bed by 10' plan.

Thanks again for the response, most appreciated !

Good luck!

jen

"shinypenny" wrote in message
oups.com...
She can't see
that it cuts both ways, I don't like mums idea of discipline which is, to
put it bluntly, a good belting. That happens far too much and I'm very
much
opposed to it (although, in extreme cases, a precisely controlled kick up
the backside can have its uses!) but I don't make a big deal of it and
start
bleating to social services, I just advise them on how they can best
avoid
it !

Hmm. That doesn't sound good. Are your children safe with her?


Well, depends on the definition of 'safe'. I see it as a relative term,
compared to kids who are tortured, locked in cupboards, starved etc then
yes, they're safe. I don't like it but there's not much I can do. If it was
me then you can bet all hell would break loose, social services, court
orders, supervised contact only and the works. She can do as she pleases,
get drunk, fight with neighbours, have all sorts of undesireables round. If
I have the audactity to take any action I get anonymous and sinister phone
calls threatening to 'take me out'. We only ended up with a shared residency
order because her mum took off with the boys (after getting a prohibited
steps order to prevent her taking them back) as they were virtually living
with her. At that point she needed me big time. The tales of woe for fathers
are endless. I'm just trying to keep the peace as long as I possibly can,
I'm told 12 is the target for when he can pretty much have his own say who
he lives with full time, there's absolutely no doubt where that will be. For
now, I simply daren't take on the bias of the family courts system. Losing
doesn't bear thinking about so it's 'better the devil you know' till the
odds of success improve to near certainty.

Back to the 'problem', last night was a reasonable start. He went to his own
bed ok, went to the toilet a little later and then got in my bed. Put him
back in his own bed ok with a few grumbles. He shifted to my bed again
before I retired so I slept in his bed ! At least he's getting used to
sleeping alone.

John

"John" ) writes:
Back to the 'problem', last night was a reasonable start. He went to his own
bed ok, went to the toilet a little later and then got in my bed. Put him
back in his own bed ok with a few grumbles. He shifted to my bed again
before I retired so I slept in his bed ! At least he's getting used to
sleeping alone.

A suggestion to consider: you can give him your bed
permanently and you sleep somewhere else. You can buy
a new bed for yourself that's too small for two and
make it clear that it's for yourself only. Or, move
all the furniture around: for a few weeks or months,
you can have him sleep in his bed which is placed where yours
is now, or in your bed which is moved to where his is
now, or some other arrangement.

He may be accustomed to the particular bed and place to
sleep as well as to not sleeping alone. He may feel
more secure and it may be easiler for him to continue
sleeping where he is accustomed to sleeping even if
you're not there.

"Catherine Woodgold" wrote in message
...
"John" ) writes:
Back to the 'problem', last night was a reasonable start. He went to his
own
bed ok, went to the toilet a little later and then got in my bed. Put him
back in his own bed ok with a few grumbles. He shifted to my bed again
before I retired so I slept in his bed ! At least he's getting used to
sleeping alone.

A suggestion to consider: you can give him your bed
permanently and you sleep somewhere else. You can buy
a new bed for yourself that's too small for two and
make it clear that it's for yourself only. Or, move
all the furniture around: for a few weeks or months,
you can have him sleep in his bed which is placed where yours
is now, or in your bed which is moved to where his is
now, or some other arrangement.

He may be accustomed to the particular bed and place to
sleep as well as to not sleeping alone. He may feel
more secure and it may be easiler for him to continue
sleeping where he is accustomed to sleeping even if
you're not there.

I think you're absolutely right, we're all creatures of habit to some
extent. He was happy enough last night so I'm going to give him my room. His
room has a bunk bed so I'll carry on using the top bunk, awful nights sleep
but it's got to improve ! If he wants to be nearer he can get in the bottom
bunk. I'll still get my own bed on the few days he's with mum and I'm sure I
can think of a suitable 'incentive' to get him to swap once in a while and
we'll take it from there :-)

John

"John" wrote in message
...
Hi,

Seeking a bit of honest advice and opinion here. For a few year now my
(now 9) son has been sleeping in the same bed as me.

Two thoughts:

1) With my daughter (7 at the time) we set a time (2:00 am) after which
she could join us in bed. Before that, we'd tuck her back into her bed
if she needed us. Eventually she stopped waking up to come in with us.

2) What if you made him a place to sleep in your room that wasn't in
your bed? We talked about making her a "nest" of blankets/pillows on
the floor she could sleep in if she was lonely.

I feel for both of you. It is nice to have someone else nearby at
night, and I'm sorry your ex is reacting this way.

Liz