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worried about the future



 
 
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  #1  
Old January 5th 04, 10:54 PM
Anne Rogers
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Default worried about the future

Before ds was born I intended to nurse him through the first year, it
hadn't occured to me that longer might be good. Now I'm better educated,
it's best for him to carry on longer and I intend to let him self wean.
The problem is my mum and my friends, they all think I am nuts, they
already think I am a bit mad pumping for his feeds whilst I work, but the
very thought of me breastfeeding a toddler shocks them. My mum in
particular drops it into every possible conversation that I should give up
by the time he is a year old, she wants ds to be able to stay with them
without me there, when I said this probably wouldn't be possible because
of feeding she said that it would be a good time to stop and he wouldn't
mind. It's really starting to worry me as we get closer to that point,
recently the doctor even asked me when I was going to stop. I love
breastfeeding, my son loves breastfeeding, so why stop is my opinion. It
upsets me that people think it is wrong for me to try and do what is best
for my son. When I say the WHO say you should breastfeed for 2 years,
people say that doesn't matter as we have good water here.

-----------
Anne Rogers


  #2  
Old January 5th 04, 11:07 PM
Marvin L. Zinn
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Default worried about the future

Anne,

The problem is my mum and my friends, they all think I am nuts, they
already think I am a bit mad pumping for his feeds whilst I work, but the
very thought of me breastfeeding a toddler shocks them.

I would define the problem differently. YOU are the one who is sane.
It's your relatives and friends who are crazy!

Marvin


Marvin L. Zinn
Reply to:
Using Virtual Access
Windows 2000 build 2600

  #3  
Old January 5th 04, 11:10 PM
A&G&K
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Default worried about the future


"Anne Rogers" wrote in message
...
Before ds was born I intended to nurse him through the first year, it
hadn't occured to me that longer might be good. Now I'm better educated,
it's best for him to carry on longer and I intend to let him self wean.
The problem is my mum and my friends, they all think I am nuts, they
already think I am a bit mad pumping for his feeds whilst I work, but the
very thought of me breastfeeding a toddler shocks them. My mum in
particular drops it into every possible conversation that I should give up
by the time he is a year old, she wants ds to be able to stay with them
without me there, when I said this probably wouldn't be possible because
of feeding she said that it would be a good time to stop and he wouldn't
mind. It's really starting to worry me as we get closer to that point,
recently the doctor even asked me when I was going to stop. I love
breastfeeding, my son loves breastfeeding, so why stop is my opinion. It
upsets me that people think it is wrong for me to try and do what is best
for my son. When I say the WHO say you should breastfeed for 2 years,
people say that doesn't matter as we have good water here.

-----------
Anne Rogers



Luckily my family is supportive of me bf DD for as long as we both are
happy.
BUT ... I have had Drs tell me to "wean that baby already".

I have found that my old "idiot filters" that I needed almost daily at my
old job, still fit perfectly and do the same job for filtering out stupid,
unasked-for parenting advice ;P

as for that last statement "it doesn't matter we have good water here" ...
it sounds like a Monty Python sketch.... you make a valid statement and get
a ridiculous response.

You are doing what you think (and I also think) is right for *your* child.
Hang in there.


Amanda

--
DD 15th August 2002
1 tiny angel Nov 2003
EDD 18th August 2004



  #4  
Old January 5th 04, 11:16 PM
Nina
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Default worried about the future

I breastfed both of mine about 18 months. I didnt care what people said, I
ignored them. Do what you feel is best. You dont have to defend or justify
your parenting choices.
After the child is a year, he can take solids and other foods. So being
watched by others isnt an issue.

"Anne Rogers" wrote in message
...
Before ds was born I intended to nurse him through the first year, it
hadn't occured to me that longer might be good. Now I'm better educated,
it's best for him to carry on longer and I intend to let him self wean.
The problem is my mum and my friends, they all think I am nuts, they
already think I am a bit mad pumping for his feeds whilst I work, but the
very thought of me breastfeeding a toddler shocks them. My mum in
particular drops it into every possible conversation that I should give up
by the time he is a year old, she wants ds to be able to stay with them
without me there, when I said this probably wouldn't be possible because
of feeding she said that it would be a good time to stop and he wouldn't
mind. It's really starting to worry me as we get closer to that point,
recently the doctor even asked me when I was going to stop. I love
breastfeeding, my son loves breastfeeding, so why stop is my opinion. It
upsets me that people think it is wrong for me to try and do what is best
for my son. When I say the WHO say you should breastfeed for 2 years,
people say that doesn't matter as we have good water here.

-----------
Anne Rogers




  #5  
Old January 5th 04, 11:24 PM
Plissken
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Default worried about the future

"Anne Rogers" wrote in message
...
Before ds was born I intended to nurse him through the first year, it
hadn't occured to me that longer might be good. Now I'm better educated,
it's best for him to carry on longer and I intend to let him self wean.
The problem is my mum and my friends, they all think I am nuts, they
already think I am a bit mad pumping for his feeds whilst I work, but the
very thought of me breastfeeding a toddler shocks them. My mum in
particular drops it into every possible conversation that I should give up
by the time he is a year old, she wants ds to be able to stay with them
without me there, when I said this probably wouldn't be possible because
of feeding she said that it would be a good time to stop and he wouldn't
mind. It's really starting to worry me as we get closer to that point,
recently the doctor even asked me when I was going to stop. I love
breastfeeding, my son loves breastfeeding, so why stop is my opinion. It
upsets me that people think it is wrong for me to try and do what is best
for my son. When I say the WHO say you should breastfeed for 2 years,
people say that doesn't matter as we have good water here.

-----------
Anne Rogers


Well, personally, when I get unsolicited advice from friends or family I
just tell them to mind their own business. Tell them they have/had their
children to raise the way they want and you will raise your children how you
will see fit. Luckily my friends and family know better than to mention
anything regarding BFing after 1 yr as they know I plan on doing it for at
least 2. If my mother where to bring it up into every conversation I would
tell her that it is really none of her business and to never mention it
again or else she just wouldn't see me or talk to me as much. Then again I
can be a mouthy b*tch sometimes ;-) Just know that you are doing what is
best for your son and it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks!

Nadene


  #6  
Old January 5th 04, 11:30 PM
Dawn Lawson
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Default worried about the future



Anne Rogers wrote:
Before ds was born I intended to nurse him through the first year, it
hadn't occured to me that longer might be good. Now I'm better educated,
it's best for him to carry on longer and I intend to let him self wean.
The problem is my mum and my friends, they all think I am nuts, they
already think I am a bit mad pumping for his feeds whilst I work, but the
very thought of me breastfeeding a toddler shocks them. My mum in
particular drops it into every possible conversation that I should give up
by the time he is a year old, she wants ds to be able to stay with them
without me there, when I said this probably wouldn't be possible because
of feeding she said that it would be a good time to stop and he wouldn't
mind. It's really starting to worry me as we get closer to that point


FWIW, my DS at 16 mo (end of this week, monthiversary style counting)
now nurses far less regularly than he did at 11mo or even at 13mo.
He's not nursing at night at all.
I could see leaving him (with my family, who he knows and is comfy with)
for extended periods (all day OR all night, probably not both yet, for
me as much as him) now, when I couldn't a few months ago.
Beware that Dr Phil just recently scorned a woman for nursing her two
year old and for co-sleeping (though I didn't watch more than that, got
annoyed and switched off) so you may get him as the Big Guns example.
what does she want to do that she can't do with you there? Even if it's
nothing, really, I'd start there as a counter-question to defray some of
the pressure she's trying to put on you.
Consider if you are using bfding as an excuse due to some other worry of
yours, not DS's. Are you concerned about your mother's ability to care
for your ds, or potential power struggles between you? Are you afraid
for your ds in another home? Is it residual stuff from the PPD you're
dealing with? (I'm not saying DON'T use it for an excuse, if you need
to, I don't personally think it will do DS any harm if you hold off on
overnights with gma til he's three or so, nursing or not)

anyhow, mostly, try not to fret about it, make up YOUR mind what you
want to do, be aware that a LOT of pressure is put on us to parent from
a place of fear and to distrust our own parenting style (not talking
about things like feeding cereal in a bottle at a month old, or that
kind of stuff), and hold your own in the maelstrom of madness that seems
to surround having dared to replicate your DNA. ;-)

Dawn, thinking that only by your assent (sp?) will anyone else be able
to stop your nursing relationship....

  #7  
Old January 5th 04, 11:34 PM
Circe
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Default worried about the future

Anne Rogers wrote:
Before ds was born I intended to nurse him through the first year, it
hadn't occured to me that longer might be good. Now I'm better
educated, it's best for him to carry on longer and I intend to let
him self wean. The problem is my mum and my friends, they all think I
am nuts, they already think I am a bit mad pumping for his feeds
whilst I work, but the very thought of me breastfeeding a toddler
shocks them.


I've nursed three babies well past one year of age (#1 was 3y2m at weaning,
#2 was 27 months, and #3 is 22 months and shows no signs of losing
interest). A lot of people found it shocking that I nursed for so long,
particularly #1, who was only weaned from the last feeding by bribery. But
now anyone who finds it objectionable has pretty much stopped expressing the
opinion because they know I'm not going to change!

In addition, I'll add that the way a 1+yo breastfeeds is considerably
different from the way a 1yo (and especially 6mo) breastfeeds. They will
still nurse "seriously" a few times a day, but most of the time, they are so
busy with other things that the most they can manage to do is drop by for
the occasional power snack (unless they were ill, in which case, nursing was
the only thing that soothed them and I was always grateful I hadn't let
myself be pressured into weaning them). The reason I tell you this is that I
find mine tend not to breastfeed very often when there is stuff going on
around them or when we're out in public, and even if they want to, it is
usually easy to distract them when we're doing something fun. And this means
that even if you keep on breastfeeding pretty much indefinitely, your
friends and family may not notice or remark upon it because it will happen
in their presence more and more rarely.

By the time I weaned my oldest, for example, he was down to one nursing
session per day, which was always first thing in the morning. (I always said
it was hard for him to give it up because it was like his morning coffee.)
Most people had no idea I was still nursing him at that point (though my
mother and MIL certainly knew).

My mum in particular drops it into every possible
conversation that I should give up by the time he is a year old, she
wants ds to be able to stay with them without me there, when I said
this probably wouldn't be possible because of feeding


When he's a year old, it's very likely he'll be breastfeeding often enough
for the fact that he's still nursing to be a barrier to leaving him with
your mother for several hours or even, perhaps, overnight. (I was in the
hospital three days when my youngest was 17 months old and he didn't nurse
for two full days; he was none too happy about it, but he got by, and took
right up again as soon as I was well enough.) Now, whether he'll be HAPPY to
stay with your mother for that length of time is hard to know, because
nursing or not nursing, toddlers can be PRETTY darned attached to mommy at
that age!

she said that
it would be a good time to stop and he wouldn't mind.


Ha! She never met any of my three. ALL of them would most DEFINITELY have
minded if I'd tried to make them give up breasfeeding when they were 12
months old.

It's really
starting to worry me as we get closer to that point, recently the
doctor even asked me when I was going to stop. I love breastfeeding,
my son loves breastfeeding, so why stop is my opinion. It upsets me
that people think it is wrong for me to try and do what is best for
my son. When I say the WHO say you should breastfeed for 2 years,
people say that doesn't matter as we have good water here.

Well, first of all, you don't have to justify your choices or explain them
to your family and friends. Just tell them that neither you or your son is
ready to give up nursing yet (whenever they ask) and that it's really not a
topic for discussion.

If, however, you feel some sort of need to EDUCATE people about
breastfeeding, here ismy favorite/best argument for why it's ABSURD to wean
babies at 1yo:

Our closest mammalian relatives, the apes, all nurse their young for a
period of YEARS. I believe chimps wean at around 4 years of age. When you
consider how much *younger* a 1yo human infant is than a 1yo chimpanzee, you
realize that humans can't possibly have been DESIGNED to wean their young at
a mere 12 months, or even a mere 24 months. If you look at the markers for
weaning readiness in the mammalian kingdom, it's at the time when the milk
(or baby) teeth begin to fall out and the permanent teeth erupt. That means
humans probably aren't meant to wean (from a purely evolutionary point of
view) until they're around 5-6yo.
--
Be well, Barbara
(Julian [6], Aurora [4], and Vernon's [22 mos.] mom)

This week's special at the English Language Butcher Shop:
"Taxi's R Us" -- name of a cab company

Daddy: You're up with the chickens this morning.
Aurora: No, I'm up with my dolls!

All opinions expressed in this post are well-reasoned and insightful.
Needless to say, they are not those of my Internet Service Provider, its
other subscribers or lackeys. Anyone who says otherwise is itchin' for a
fight. -- with apologies to Michael Feldman


  #8  
Old January 6th 04, 12:56 AM
Karen
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Default worried about the future

I think your mother is doing what my MIL did, which was to view your
breastfeeding your child as a threat to her potential to having a
relationship with him, which is in reality ridiculous. If she wants to
be able to care for him without you being around, then she needs to be
around him more so they can develop their own trusting relationship and
so she can learn how he is used to having things done for him. It's more
an attachment/separation issue than it is a feeding issue.

As he gets older and eats more food meals and snacks, bf won't really
factor into things much at all, no matter to what age you nurse, unless
your child is used to nursing to sleep for naps and night. You might run
into some issues there, but that depends on how you've been doing that
all along and may not even be any easier for the other parent to manage,
never mind your mother. But if you're not planning any long weekends
away anytime soon, you should be able to get a few afternoons and
evenings here and there without a problem as time goes on. My dh and ds
(3 1/2 yo, nursing 1-2x/day) can spend an entire day out together with
no problem, ds will fall asleep for nap in the stroller or in the car
without nursing, and they can continue their day even longer after the nap.

Also, a word of advice, as he gets older and you're still nursing or
pumping, I just wouldn't discuss it too much. Don't lie, but don't bring
it up, and downplay it when it does come up. When ds was an infant, I
had to forbid my dh from discussing bf with his mother in any way shape
or form, as she was very quick to blame any problem, concern, or issue
on ds' breastfeeding. We also co-slept until ds asked for a bed of his
own just after turning 3 a few months ago. He is still in our room, and
new baby will be in our bed, and first chance she got MIL asked would we
be moving ds out of our room. I said not until he asked to go, which is
how we handled every other thing like diapers and high chairs which he
let us know he was done with, as that would defeat the whole idea behind
co-sleeping/family bed/child-led everything, wouldn't it? She didn't
really know what to say to that. If someone really confronts and attacks
you about something, I'd certainly give it to them, but otherwise, don't
mention it, blow off any passive-aggressive commentary, and do as you
see fit.

-Karen, mom to Henry 3 1/2 and someone due 4/24/04-

  #9  
Old January 6th 04, 01:14 AM
Clisby
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Default worried about the future



Anne Rogers wrote:
Before ds was born I intended to nurse him through the first year, it
hadn't occured to me that longer might be good. Now I'm better educated,
it's best for him to carry on longer and I intend to let him self wean.
The problem is my mum and my friends, they all think I am nuts, they
already think I am a bit mad pumping for his feeds whilst I work, but the
very thought of me breastfeeding a toddler shocks them. My mum in
particular drops it into every possible conversation that I should give up
by the time he is a year old, she wants ds to be able to stay with them
without me there, when I said this probably wouldn't be possible because
of feeding she said that it would be a good time to stop and he wouldn't
mind.


Mine sure would have minded - he was still nursing at least 8 times a
day when he was a year old. He ate plenty of solids and drank water,
so he could have gotten along without me if he had to, but I can't see
my mother enjoying that ordeal.

As far as people who won't mind their own business - you can ignore
them, or you can cut them loose. I don't have any solutiosn besides that.

Clisby

  #10  
Old January 6th 04, 01:56 AM
HollyLewis
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Default worried about the future

Now I'm better educated,
it's best for him to carry on longer and I intend to let him self wean.


Good for you!

The problem is my mum and my friends, they all think I am nuts, they
already think I am a bit mad pumping for his feeds whilst I work, but the
very thought of me breastfeeding a toddler shocks them.


So don't encourage them to think about it. Toddlers, generally, don't nurse so
often that you *have* to make it obvious.

My mum in
particular drops it into every possible conversation that I should give up
by the time he is a year old, she wants ds to be able to stay with them
without me there, when I said this probably wouldn't be possible because
of feeding she said that it would be a good time to stop and he wouldn't
mind.


Well, if you *wanted* to leave a breastfeeding toddler with your mother, you
probably could; even if he were still used to nursing at particular times, by
somewhere between 12 and 18 months he'll likely be just fine going without once
in a while, and he may not be nursing more than a couple times a day anyway, so
you could leave him for quite a while without his missing a feeding. But to
me, feeding isn't the primary reason that you ought to be reluctant to leave
him with her. If she behaves that way with respect to one parenting decision
you've made, do you really trust her to respect any other parenting decisions
you've made when your son is in her care?

FWIW, my son spent a night away from me for the very first time about a week
ago. He's 35 months old. However, he's been in the care of a nanny for 9
hours every workday since he was 6 months old and I haven't pumped since he was
13 months, so clearly the simple fact that I'm still breastfeeding doesn't
prevent me from leaving him.

It's really starting to worry me as we get closer to that point,
recently the doctor even asked me when I was going to stop. I love
breastfeeding, my son loves breastfeeding, so why stop is my opinion.


My usual response to that kind of challenge is, "It's hard enough to keep my
son from having things that are bad for him. I cannot imagine why I'd bother
to try to keep him from having something that's GOOD for him!" :-)

Holly
Mom to Camden, almost 3
EDD #2 6/8/04
 




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