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  #1  
Old January 4th 04, 01:15 AM
Andrew
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Bitter rant

Just a bitter rant. Tonight I went on a binge (solo) as tomorrow my daughter
is due back with her mother and I am just hoping and praying she comes back
from Sweden. I think she will but I don't know. The bitter rant part is that
people left because it was too hard the life we had and to try to let people
relax the year someone left they had one holiday in St Lucia, three holidays
in Zambia where they eventually settled and numerous nights out with old
school friends suddenly discovered from back in 79 all in the one year. Also
they only worked part time to make life easier. Muggins just worked, looked
after kid and hoped other party would be able to relax after all the work
they had put in looking after the house etc and had no holidays.

sorry guys and I fully expect to be flamed. I am bitter. Right now I am
bloody bitter. (also a bit drunk) I think I gave everything. For three years
I took no break no holiday no weekend etc and now for the past year I have
the same but I am also mummy, daddy, breadwinner, there are no weekend
breaks due to the country boundaries I am doing it 24/7 365 but it was
'hard' for other people???? I really thought I was doing the best for my
family. In hindsight I probably should have stepped back and looked at human
issues but you want to give everything you can and the best you can etc etc
etc. If you want me to slow down then tell me FFS! I am not a mind reader! I
now do the dad, the mum, the work,the kids play, I attend every performance
of every school play she is in, I pay the school fees, the housing costs, I
talk to the teachers when I think there are issues, do the cooking, pick up,
transport, minding and I don't ask a thing from anyone. I am human too, its
tough.I could use help. This Xmas only two people remembered me and sent me
cards, my mother and my accountant. I gotta tell you it hurts. when you
marry you lose the single friends, when you get a kid you tend to lose the
ones without, when you split you are just a pariah. well, stuff the lot of
you world. when i get back on top ....

that boot you see in your face is gonna be mine!!!


  #2  
Old January 4th 04, 02:56 AM
lm
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Bitter rant

On Sun, 4 Jan 2004 00:15:32 +0000 (UTC), "Andrew"
wrote:

Just a bitter rant. Tonight I went on a binge (solo) as tomorrow my daughter
is due back with her mother and I am just hoping and praying she comes back
from Sweden. I think she will but I don't know. The bitter rant part is that
people left because it was too hard the life we had and to try to let people
relax the year someone left they had one holiday in St Lucia, three holidays
in Zambia where they eventually settled and numerous nights out with old
school friends suddenly discovered from back in 79 all in the one year. Also
they only worked part time to make life easier. Muggins just worked, looked
after kid and hoped other party would be able to relax after all the work
they had put in looking after the house etc and had no holidays.

sorry guys and I fully expect to be flamed. I am bitter. Right now I am
bloody bitter. (also a bit drunk) I think I gave everything. For three years
I took no break no holiday no weekend etc and now for the past year I have
the same but I am also mummy, daddy, breadwinner, there are no weekend
breaks due to the country boundaries I am doing it 24/7 365 but it was
'hard' for other people???? I really thought I was doing the best for my
family. In hindsight I probably should have stepped back and looked at human
issues but you want to give everything you can and the best you can etc etc
etc. If you want me to slow down then tell me FFS! I am not a mind reader! I
now do the dad, the mum, the work,the kids play, I attend every performance
of every school play she is in, I pay the school fees, the housing costs, I
talk to the teachers when I think there are issues, do the cooking, pick up,
transport, minding and I don't ask a thing from anyone. I am human too, its
tough.I could use help. This Xmas only two people remembered me and sent me
cards, my mother and my accountant. I gotta tell you it hurts. when you
marry you lose the single friends, when you get a kid you tend to lose the
ones without, when you split you are just a pariah. well, stuff the lot of
you world. when i get back on top ....

that boot you see in your face is gonna be mine!!!


Aw, Andrew, so sorry you're going through this right now. Your baby is
going to be home tomorrow, your anxiety must be through the roof right
now, I know that feeling believe me! Awful, the worry, when you don't
know how the other parent will behave.

It does you no good to be wired and sleep-deprived and it won't do
your daughter any good either. Plus it will make the time your ex is
staying that much more difficult for you to endure, so please try to
rest tonight!

After she's home, you won't be quite as interested in responses to
this thread, as you'll be spending your nights peeking in on her and
tucking her in instead of wanting a break. As kate said, it's hardest
when they're younger. It is constant work when they're younger, and I
have found that the older they get the more fun they are -- they
pull more of their weight and their activities mesh better with mine
as they grow (hiking with a four-year-old is a nightmare, as he's too
big to carry but too small to go very far or very fast, but with an 8-
and 9-year-old it's my favorite thing to do).

As for friends, you once shared experiences with people in school or
in different jobs, which you no longer share as those chapters in your
life have ended. The couple-with-one-kid phase is the one you're
missing out on and it's simply time for you to find the
single-parent-with-kindergardener cohort in your area. Put an ad in
the paper and set up a babysitting co-op, where you watch 4-5 kids one
Saturday and the next three Saturdays you're off on your own while
your daughter rotates among her new friends' houses. Start a book club
and invite all parents so that nonmember spouses can watch the kids
one Wednesday night a month (that one in particular saved my sanity
for about 2 years -- never would have gotten through Shackleton's saga
without it). Find a reliable young babysitter in the neighborhood who
can help out for an hour here and there, not necessarily all-nighters.
Other ideas escape me at the moment but you know what I mean.

But first I hope you can rest tonight. I do know what you're going
through and I'm so glad for you that it's almost over.

Good luck negotiating the potential emotional mindfield with your ex
when she's in town. You sound like such a great person, I hope you
don't get hurt any more than you have already.

lm


  #3  
Old January 4th 04, 06:57 AM
Tiffany
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Bitter rant


Andrew wrote in message
...
Just a bitter rant. Tonight I went on a binge (solo) as tomorrow my

daughter
is due back with her mother and I am just hoping and praying she comes

back
from Sweden. I think she will but I don't know. The bitter rant part is

that
people left because it was too hard the life we had and to try to let

people
relax the year someone left they had one holiday in St Lucia, three

holidays
in Zambia where they eventually settled and numerous nights out with old
school friends suddenly discovered from back in 79 all in the one year.

Also
they only worked part time to make life easier. Muggins just worked,

looked
after kid and hoped other party would be able to relax after all the work
they had put in looking after the house etc and had no holidays.

sorry guys and I fully expect to be flamed. I am bitter. Right now I am
bloody bitter. (also a bit drunk) I think I gave everything. For three

years
I took no break no holiday no weekend etc and now for the past year I have
the same but I am also mummy, daddy, breadwinner, there are no weekend
breaks due to the country boundaries I am doing it 24/7 365 but it was
'hard' for other people???? I really thought I was doing the best for my
family. In hindsight I probably should have stepped back and looked at

human
issues but you want to give everything you can and the best you can etc

etc
etc. If you want me to slow down then tell me FFS! I am not a mind reader!

I
now do the dad, the mum, the work,the kids play, I attend every

performance
of every school play she is in, I pay the school fees, the housing costs,

I
talk to the teachers when I think there are issues, do the cooking, pick

up,
transport, minding and I don't ask a thing from anyone. I am human too,

its
tough.I could use help. This Xmas only two people remembered me and sent

me
cards, my mother and my accountant. I gotta tell you it hurts. when you
marry you lose the single friends, when you get a kid you tend to lose the
ones without, when you split you are just a pariah. well, stuff the lot of
you world. when i get back on top ....

that boot you see in your face is gonna be mine!!!



I want to offer you some kind words but first I have no idea what you are
talking about in your first paragraph. Nothing like posting while
intoxicated. I have long learned not to email or post. Of course I have
not had a drink in months so that is easy.

I think it is harder for parents who use to be with the partner and then the
other leaves. I have always been a single parent so I know no different.
Vent and get it out of your system. Don't worry about everyone else in the
world, the only ones that should matter in your world is you and your kid.
The only people that matter in my world is me and my kid. Call it
selfish...... hell, maybe it is.

Mostly though Andrew..... you are tough and kind. Don't get are stressed out
thinking you have to be the perfect parent to make up for the absent parent.
It just isn't going to happen. You can't me MOM and DAD. You are Dad. If you
could use help..... have you asked for it?

Tiff


  #4  
Old January 4th 04, 02:27 PM
Dennis Here
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Bitter rant


Andrew wrote in message ...
Just a bitter rant. Tonight I went on a binge (solo) as tomorrow my

daughter
is due back with her mother and I am just hoping and praying she comes back
from Sweden. I think she will but I don't know. The bitter rant part is

that
people left because it was too hard the life we had and to try to let

people
relax the year someone left they had one holiday in St Lucia, three

holidays
in Zambia where they eventually settled and numerous nights out with old
school friends suddenly discovered from back in 79 all in the one year.

Also
they only worked part time to make life easier. Muggins just worked, looked
after kid and hoped other party would be able to relax after all the work
they had put in looking after the house etc and had no holidays.

sorry guys and I fully expect to be flamed. I am bitter. Right now I am
bloody bitter. (also a bit drunk) I think I gave everything. For three

years
I took no break no holiday no weekend etc and now for the past year I have
the same but I am also mummy, daddy, breadwinner, there are no weekend
breaks due to the country boundaries I am doing it 24/7 365 but it was
'hard' for other people???? I really thought I was doing the best for my
family. In hindsight I probably should have stepped back and looked at

human
issues but you want to give everything you can and the best you can etc etc
etc. If you want me to slow down then tell me FFS! I am not a mind reader!

I
now do the dad, the mum, the work,the kids play, I attend every performance
of every school play she is in, I pay the school fees, the housing costs, I
talk to the teachers when I think there are issues, do the cooking, pick

up,
transport, minding and I don't ask a thing from anyone. I am human too, its
tough.I could use help. This Xmas only two people remembered me and sent me
cards, my mother and my accountant. I gotta tell you it hurts. when you
marry you lose the single friends, when you get a kid you tend to lose the
ones without, when you split you are just a pariah. well, stuff the lot of
you world. when i get back on top ....

that boot you see in your face is gonna be mine!!!


Sorry Andrew, you are not going to like this post.
The very things that you see in yourself as attributes, like the working
hard to be the main provider, picking up on the housework and childcare, can
just as easily be seen differently by others. You can also appear to be a
sanctimonious, patriarchal, domineering prat.
So who is responsible if your ex went on holiday four times in one year
whilst you did not go in three years? Why should she bother with housework
and childcare if she knew that you would pick up on her inadequacies?
Don't tell me that at some point you didn't take a self satisfied opinion of
yourself that you were the great provider by all your friends knowing that
you were providing and facilitating all those holidays for your wife? I bet
that you felt good about it, sort of gave you a big ego boost.
Perhaps those friends also saw it differently, Andrew the sanctimonious
arshole, who pays the school fee's, does the housework, works all hours and
expects his sweet little lady to be there to sit down with when he deems it
appropriate. He pays to send wife on exotic holidays whilst he works and
works and plays the martyr all the time thinking that he is Mr Perfect the
great provider.
You overlooked your responsibilities towards quality time with your family.
You are also to blame for what went wrong. If you are looking for a
scapegoat then have a good look at yourself as you are at least 50% to
blame.

Don't give us all this crap about the martyrdom of being the 24/7 provider,
it's what we all do here, many in far more difficult circumstances than you
can possibly imagine.
I know from your previous posts that you are capable of taking pleasure from
the small things in life that really matter. The small priceless things that
cost nothing concerning your daughters milestones and achievements. Going to
all the school plays and sportsdays is, for me, a privilege. You make it
sound like an obligation.
You need to take a good long look at yourself, drop the pretences and
martyrlike attitude and concentrate on the small details. Learn to take
pleasure from them, re-invent yourself as the guy who does it all because he
wants to and not so that he can be seen by the world at large as the great
provider.
Happy New Year.

Dennis




  #5  
Old January 4th 04, 04:22 PM
lm
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Bitter rant

On Sun, 4 Jan 2004 13:27:40 -0000, "Dennis Here"
youreply wrote:

I know from your previous posts that you are capable of taking pleasure from
the small things in life that really matter. The small priceless things that
cost nothing concerning your daughters milestones and achievements.


And it's because of that that you should have let him alone. Talk
about sanctimonious!

lm
  #6  
Old January 4th 04, 05:58 PM
Dennis Here
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Bitter rant


lm wrote in message

"Dennis Here" wrote:

I know from your previous posts that you are capable of taking pleasure

from
the small things in life that really matter. The small priceless things

that
cost nothing concerning your daughters milestones and achievements.


And it's because of that that you should have let him alone.


Ah, the joy of the newsgroups. I get to respond as I read it.
Can't please everyone all of the time.

Talk
about sanctimonious!



But of course! I really was Mr. Perfect and nothing was ever my fault. ;-)

Dennis


  #7  
Old January 4th 04, 06:54 PM
Joelle
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Bitter rant

And it's because of that that you should have let him alone.

Ah, the joy of the newsgroups. I get to respond as I read it.
Can't please everyone all of the time.


And then people get to respond to your response. But to be fair, not that you
didn't have a point, I guess I figure something labled "Rant" is a rant and a
rant means you just want to leave off steam and you don't want advice, you just
want to rant. So it seems a little unfair to use a rant against someone,
unless they are doing it all the time and to be fair on the other side, Andrew
does seem to rant a lot so maybe you figured he'd had his quota of non-rebutted
rant.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle
  #8  
Old January 4th 04, 09:29 PM
Andrew
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Bitter rant


"Dennis Here" youreply
wrote in message ...

lm wrote in message

"Dennis Here" wrote:

I know from your previous posts that you are capable of taking pleasure

from
the small things in life that really matter. The small priceless things

that
cost nothing concerning your daughters milestones and achievements.


And it's because of that that you should have let him alone.


Ah, the joy of the newsgroups. I get to respond as I read it.
Can't please everyone all of the time.

Talk
about sanctimonious!



But of course! I really was Mr. Perfect and nothing was ever my fault. ;-)

Dennis



Hi Dennis,

Sadly BTInternet has not yet got the previous post you put but found it with
a Google. The one you started with 'you are not going to like this post'.
Just a couple of things, think I am going to take the advice I saw posted
earlier about not posting when 'in my cups' and feeling maudlin. However,
no, I did not take a self satisfied approach with friends as to what I was
doing (I can only speak for what I feel), it is not the type of thing that
comes up in conversation normally. I can see your point about how it can be
viewed by other people two ways but how other people view it is something
that I feel those people have to deal with not me. What person A thinks of
me is person A's issue and not mine. You said I overlooked my
responsibilities towards quality time with my family, well, I made sure
never to stint when my daughter was not in school but you are right about me
overlooking my responsibility to make my relationship with my wife work
after our daughter was born and I acknowledge that (not happily and its not
something I am proud of but I have been thinking about it and you being able
to see it just confirms my thoughts). Looking back I did not put enough work
into the relationship, yes, I am guilty. Yes, I think I screwed up there.
One other thing I must say though, if it came across that attending my
daughters functions is an obligation let me correct that right now, its an
indescribable joy! The things I do with my daughter I do because I want to
and there is no reinvention needed there. The feelings I get watching my
daughter do things and the pleasure I get from just her is something that I
am pretty sure you know about anyway. Yes, I love the small things, deciding
what pictures are going on the wall next, the silly games we play, the
cooking experiments (apart from when I have to eat the one with the added
ingredients she thought would be great).

Keep it coming. It is useless for people to feel they have to just be all
sweetness and light. The stuff you say is appreciated. I don't agree with a
lot of that particular post but the bit that I do agree with is my failure
of responsibility on the relationships. Reminders like this will help me
learn (I hope).

Happy New Year to you too.

Andrew


  #9  
Old January 4th 04, 09:35 PM
Andrew
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Bitter rant


'Kate wrote in message ...
On Sun, 4 Jan 2004 00:15:32 +0000 (UTC), "Andrew"

Just a bitter rant. Tonight I went on a binge (solo) as tomorrow my

daughter
is due back with her mother and I am just hoping and praying she comes

back
from Sweden. I think she will but I don't know. The bitter rant part is

that
people left because it was too hard the life we had and to try to let

people
relax the year someone left they had one holiday in St Lucia, three

holidays
in Zambia where they eventually settled and numerous nights out with old
school friends suddenly discovered from back in 79 all in the one year.

Also
they only worked part time to make life easier. Muggins just worked,

looked
after kid and hoped other party would be able to relax after all the work
they had put in looking after the house etc and had no holidays.

sorry guys and I fully expect to be flamed. I am bitter. Right now I am
bloody bitter. (also a bit drunk) I think I gave everything. For three

years
I took no break no holiday no weekend etc and now for the past year I

have
the same but I am also mummy, daddy, breadwinner, there are no weekend
breaks due to the country boundaries I am doing it 24/7 365 but it was
'hard' for other people???? I really thought I was doing the best for my
family. In hindsight I probably should have stepped back and looked at

human
issues but you want to give everything you can and the best you can etc

etc
etc. If you want me to slow down then tell me FFS! I am not a mind

reader! I
now do the dad, the mum, the work,the kids play, I attend every

performance
of every school play she is in, I pay the school fees, the housing costs,

I
talk to the teachers when I think there are issues, do the cooking, pick

up,
transport, minding and I don't ask a thing from anyone. I am human too,

its
tough.I could use help. This Xmas only two people remembered me and sent

me
cards, my mother and my accountant. I gotta tell you it hurts. when you
marry you lose the single friends, when you get a kid you tend to lose

the
ones without, when you split you are just a pariah. well, stuff the lot

of
you world. when i get back on top ....

that boot you see in your face is gonna be mine!!!


I know that feeling... felt that way during that exhausting first years.
It's a hard job that you're doing. It takes time to get use to the
amount of responsibility and to working through exhaustion but
eventually either the kids grow up or we get better at it because it
becomes manageable. Once it's more manageable, the anger goes away too.

Regards,
'Kate


Thanks,

I like to think I am not angry normally though

Andrew


  #10  
Old January 4th 04, 09:37 PM
Andrew
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Bitter rant


"lm" wrote in message
...
On Sun, 4 Jan 2004 00:15:32 +0000 (UTC), "Andrew"
wrote:

Just a bitter rant. Tonight I went on a binge (solo) as tomorrow my

daughter
is due back with her mother and I am just hoping and praying she comes

back
from Sweden. I think she will but I don't know. The bitter rant part is

that
people left because it was too hard the life we had and to try to let

people
relax the year someone left they had one holiday in St Lucia, three

holidays
in Zambia where they eventually settled and numerous nights out with old
school friends suddenly discovered from back in 79 all in the one year.

Also
they only worked part time to make life easier. Muggins just worked,

looked
after kid and hoped other party would be able to relax after all the work
they had put in looking after the house etc and had no holidays.

sorry guys and I fully expect to be flamed. I am bitter. Right now I am
bloody bitter. (also a bit drunk) I think I gave everything. For three

years
I took no break no holiday no weekend etc and now for the past year I

have
the same but I am also mummy, daddy, breadwinner, there are no weekend
breaks due to the country boundaries I am doing it 24/7 365 but it was
'hard' for other people???? I really thought I was doing the best for my
family. In hindsight I probably should have stepped back and looked at

human
issues but you want to give everything you can and the best you can etc

etc
etc. If you want me to slow down then tell me FFS! I am not a mind

reader! I
now do the dad, the mum, the work,the kids play, I attend every

performance
of every school play she is in, I pay the school fees, the housing costs,

I
talk to the teachers when I think there are issues, do the cooking, pick

up,
transport, minding and I don't ask a thing from anyone. I am human too,

its
tough.I could use help. This Xmas only two people remembered me and sent

me
cards, my mother and my accountant. I gotta tell you it hurts. when you
marry you lose the single friends, when you get a kid you tend to lose

the
ones without, when you split you are just a pariah. well, stuff the lot

of
you world. when i get back on top ....

that boot you see in your face is gonna be mine!!!


Aw, Andrew, so sorry you're going through this right now. Your baby is
going to be home tomorrow, your anxiety must be through the roof right
now, I know that feeling believe me! Awful, the worry, when you don't
know how the other parent will behave.

It does you no good to be wired and sleep-deprived and it won't do
your daughter any good either. Plus it will make the time your ex is
staying that much more difficult for you to endure, so please try to
rest tonight!

After she's home, you won't be quite as interested in responses to
this thread, as you'll be spending your nights peeking in on her and
tucking her in instead of wanting a break. As kate said, it's hardest
when they're younger. It is constant work when they're younger, and I
have found that the older they get the more fun they are -- they
pull more of their weight and their activities mesh better with mine
as they grow (hiking with a four-year-old is a nightmare, as he's too
big to carry but too small to go very far or very fast, but with an 8-
and 9-year-old it's my favorite thing to do).

As for friends, you once shared experiences with people in school or
in different jobs, which you no longer share as those chapters in your
life have ended. The couple-with-one-kid phase is the one you're
missing out on and it's simply time for you to find the
single-parent-with-kindergardener cohort in your area. Put an ad in
the paper and set up a babysitting co-op, where you watch 4-5 kids one
Saturday and the next three Saturdays you're off on your own while
your daughter rotates among her new friends' houses. Start a book club
and invite all parents so that nonmember spouses can watch the kids
one Wednesday night a month (that one in particular saved my sanity
for about 2 years -- never would have gotten through Shackleton's saga
without it). Find a reliable young babysitter in the neighborhood who
can help out for an hour here and there, not necessarily all-nighters.
Other ideas escape me at the moment but you know what I mean.

But first I hope you can rest tonight. I do know what you're going
through and I'm so glad for you that it's almost over.

Good luck negotiating the potential emotional mindfield with your ex
when she's in town. You sound like such a great person, I hope you
don't get hurt any more than you have already.

lm



Hey,

I think the baby sitting co-op is a brilliant idea, will see if I can get it
going and let you know. This is the type of practical stuff I like from here
like the practical advice given to some others I have seen.

Andrew


 




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