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Cele Mar 8, 5:36 pm show options
Newsgroups: alt.support.single-parents From: Cele - Find messages by this author Date: Wed, 09 Mar 2005 01:36:57 GMT Local: Tues, Mar 8 2005 5:36 pm Subject: Talk to me ........ Reply | Reply to Author | Forward | Print | View Thread | Show original | Report Abuse Hi, Bev. Hi! I'm so sorry you're all having such a hard time. Thanks..... The first thing that occurs to me is: is she taking her meds? They often stop, you know. They stop because they feel so much better that they think they don't need them. And they stop because they *hate* having to take meds. It feels as if there's something inherently bad about taking meds for mental health issues, a view which society reinforces vigorously. That's one reason I get very, very disturbed when I see people using mental health for purposes of ridicule; that societal attitude causes excruciating damage to young people, especially. Yes I give her her meds myself. For all the reasons you mention here. We had a heck of a time for a long time with compliance. snipped but not forgotten Another thing I'll mention is that for us, one way that I first could tell that recovery was underway, however slowly, was not the degree of awfulness of the 'episodes' of distress, but rather, the distance between them. At first, the really rough patches were separated by hours or at best, a few days. Gradually, that became weeks. It was a couple of weeks or more before I realized how much farther apart the problems were coming. So try to think through - you had a good patch - is this episode further away from the last one than they've been, or are they closer together, or what? That can tell you a lot. I recall another post to which you said this as well and yes the time periods between outbursts and behaviors has progressively improved With respect to the suicidal behaviour, I know what a line it is to walk with that one. On the one hand, I personally have clear and direct experience with successful suicide in a close relative, so I'm definitely not inclined to underestimate the potential for completion. Especially with teenagers, who are impulsive, it's important to stay very alert. On the other hand, I know how you don't want to buy into suicide gestures and talk as strategies for getting support and sympathy. My tightrope act on that one involved making a pact with her around both of us promising to talk to each other immediately if either of us was to feel like suicide (I wasn't in that place, but I felt the reciprocity mattered). Then, when she said she was suicidal, I would ask her very matter of factly whether she needed me to be with her for her safety. She seemed pretty able to assess that. I would also, then, debrief her on...specifically, what would you like to change? What are the steps we can take together towards that change? I would remind her that she had all the time in the world to make changes in her life, that although they wouldn't happen overnight I would help and she could do it, and that all that had to happen was one step towards one change at a time. The goal here was to empower her in a healthier way, and get her to see that she could take control over her life one piece at a time. I tried very hard to avoid promoting victimhood, even though she quite legitimately *was* a victim of many things on many occasions, because I wanted to teach her that whatever happened *to* her, she could still call her own shots with respect to how she responds to life events. (((Cele ))) sorry for your loss, this was and is always a concern. I have felt for a long time now that it is not so much that I think she trully wants to suicide and that the behaviors she portrays in this threat are too real to ignore....a success in it would surely be a mistake, we are working on a more positive way for her to express her pain and need for the attention she has gotten with these attempts. snip With respecdt to her self-blame, try to give her the concept that looking backwards at our mistakes is useful only insofar as it helps us decide what to do and what not to do in the future. You want her to understand that it's not only ok, it's a *good* thing to learn the lesson and then move on. After you've learned the lesson, guilt becomes crippling and counterproductive rather than helpful. Tell her that she can safely give up guilt every time she takes a step in the forward direction to make things better. Excellant advice thank you ! Looking at her overall written expression, I'd be fascinated to see what her psychoeducational evaluation says about the specifics of her learning difficulties. There's no question at all that she was at very high risk to begin with, of developing depression and acting out, given the evidence with respect to LD. She can't have had it easy in school, or out of it.She has to have had a brutal time with peers. She deserves some affirmation for having stuck it out as long and as well as she did. School is a very unkind place for kids with the type of difficulty her writing suggests. Since the 3rd grade when a very smart and caring teacher called me to express how she felt S was displaying LD I have fought for her right to have her needs met. We were moving from one school district in P.A back to one she had previously attended in N.J. This teacher told me to make an appt. with the principal and tell him I wanted her tested. Well that was really screwed up what happened there.He said "We do not do things that way" We will have to wait for one of her teachers here to feel this need." Two years later in the summer of her 5th grade recess (summer vaca.) I received a call from her 5th grade teacher telling me she feels S should be tested and everything was set up and done in August just before she went back to 6th grade. At that time I barely knew what all the terms meant and what the tests were and how it all worked. Long story shortened ...I was told she had an average IQ. was perceptually impaired .Had major difficulties in reading spelling and Math . Her reading was a 3rd grade level in the beginning of 6th grade .. Her spelling was mostly phonetic. Math was mainly a problem because of her reading and spelling especially in having to read directions.She excelled in Science and social studies for a while with the IEP in place .About a year before G died she was tested for ADHD and the meds made her loopy so the P-doc at the time said nope . At the point of Gayles death I was told her behavior greatly interfered with her learning.AS well as attendance. After a while I started questioning them as to how my daughter made it through to junior year ? I eventually realised she was pushed through when the high school principal told me "she will get a diploma, I promise, just get her here." Now I attended every single meeting, disiplinary ,IEP I utilized the school "wrap around services" which connected every last person organisation doctor etc . that was involved. I have had a hell of a time managing her needs with the need to work and maintain a home for us.I know none of my struggles close to amount to what my child has endured within her educational, and social struggles. Back in October when hell broke lose (again) I was arguing with the principal as to why the IEP we had met for just at the end of the previous school year where we had all agreed (incuding she) that she start the next school year back in the emotional support class, NEVER went into effect? She had started back in school two months after the breakup with J and had to go to school with him. From the first day hysterical phone calls at work with her needing to get out of there. If she was in the emotional support class she would not have seen him ( they spend most of the day in one room) This ass told me "oops we dropped the ball ! " everything was in place except for one signature and it never made it to the roster.They did offer her a late start so J would already be gone for his CIT school and she would not see him . That helped here and there but her grief was way to fresh and they had still not placed her end of Oct. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown by the end of Sept. My employer was riding me big time and I just walked out quit said enough I have to take care of this . BY the end of November she was busted underage drinking took off with my partners car twice after she had lost her permit for the underage drinking.refused to go to school for a month, harrassed back and forth with the father of the baby to the point she claimed suicide attempt, I signed her out of school ( This was a very hard decision ) She just would not go. She is now talking about going back ? By mid Dec. we are in court fighting for her to keep custody of the baby and being torn in half as to whether I was doing the right thing to fight the claim.Decided for now yes give her a chance and the decision was not wrong. She has worked hard to improve and take responsibility for her actions and that the baby be safe. Should that ever change she knows the deal is off. I feel like such a failure most of the time....and I don't understand myself at times ...I tried to do the right things ...I have fought hard for my daughter . my grand daughter and myself . I want her to go back to school , I want her to get a part time job, I want her to be healthy and happy first. I try not to overload her. She is smart, talented, she draws incredibly and writes poems and songs, she wants to learn to play the guitar. She will be 18 in Sept. I fear for her ability to succeed is hindered so much by her LD . My friends tell me not to blame myself , "you can lead a horse to water " I don't know what else to do at this point but help her grow to be a good mother and find more education for her.Knowing the struggles for her will be there emotionally and financially for the rest of her life. Sometimes I just really don't f'in know what to do anymore. ack rant over ..sorry. Anyway, take heart. When you're in it it feels as if it will never end, and you can't imagine how they can go from being so very sick, to health. But they can. Mine has. She will graduate this June, she's working three to five days a week at a coffee bar, she's got an absolutely delightful, sensible, and healthy boyfriend and she's making good, sensible decisions about her future. We haven't had her 'go off' in such a long time now, I can't remember the last time. And never without a clear catalyst, any more. She also recognises the need for her medication (Paxil) and stays on it responsibly, on her own. Hasn't messed that up in ages and ages either. So try to keep focused on the hope that there very genuinely is. I can remember thinking it would never end; she would never be well. I don't know when I began to believe she could, and WOULD, really, truly, be healthy again, but now, I know it for sure. It can happen for you too. Go slowly, hang in there, support her, love her when she's most unloveable, keep her baby safe and healthy, and remind yourself every day that what you're doing can and will make a difference. The kids who make it are always the ones whose parents stuck with the program. The parents don't have to get everything right. They just have to be there, and show that they care, and do their best. I am trying very hard to believe things will end healthy. The back and forth up and down has taken its toll on my faith. I can't even imagine to be my daughter what this is like for her, it has to be just terrible. Good luck to you all. thank you Bev Cele |
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"Bev" wrote in message oups.com... Make the call Bev!! Call was made RFN! The doc did see us and we discussed what was going on and even more came out than I knew. Snipping..... I'm glad to hear it.... Doesn't it tell you something that she was also seen RFN? Crisis is crisis, whatever the form. Thanks Lisa...I hit and ran with this post .....finding time to respond is difficult at times...I manage to read more than respond probably because I can read oh so much faster than I can hunt and peck these keys LOL! I do benefit greatly from the advice I read ! S has been much better since the talk therapy from the therapist , P-doc and myself fingers crossed Bev It takes alot of work, but together you will all help S find some level ground. At that point, I suspect she's going to be pretty darn tired, but it'll come. Best Wishes Lisa |
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On Thu, 10 Mar 2005 10:23:51 -0500, "Lisa" wrote:
"Cele" wrote in message .. . On Tue, 8 Mar 2005 09:27:28 -0500, "Lisa" wrote: It is now becoming understood that pretty much the only anti-depressant that is succussful in teens is Prozac. Strattera is new and without long term studies available so who knows. Lisa Gotta be a bit careful with sweeping statements like that, Lisa. Paxil and Zoloft were both tried on my teen from 13 to the present. Zoloft wasn't especially useful; Paxil was outstandingly so. It depends on quite a lot of things, including whether there're comorbid conditions, exacerbating factors, etc. etc. In this case, both of those are present. Cele Perhaps what I should have said is safest instead of successful with respect to teens and anti-depressants. I may have sounded like I was making a sweeping statement, however, the statement was drawn from medical warnings issued and reported in the news. Have you read any of it? Lisa Of course. I also subscribe to the Journal of Anxiety Disorders and have my own copy of the DSM IV, as I use it a lot at work. That's how I know about things like comorbid conditions and exacerbating factors. What's reported in the news isn't the whole story. For that, you need the relevant journals and informed questioning of appropriate docs. Cele |
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On 13 Mar 2005 05:20:31 -0800, "Bev" wrote:
Cele, Sorry late in responding. S is doing better after a bit of intervention. She takes those meds for sure, I have to hand feed them at this point. One of these days I'll venture into to figuring out ICQ, in the meantime I am clueless LOL! Bev Not a problem, Bev, I'm only reading occasionally anyway, due to having tons to do both at work and at home. Plus, my youngest was in emerg all weekend, due to what they thought was an ovarian cyst but what they now are considering possible IBS. Heaven only knows. P.S. I also need to remember to educate myself a bit more on using google, I think I should of copied the post I responded to before I typed this and now I will just send this one cause going back to fix this one will be a disaster It's harder to use google than to use a proper mailreader. Do you have cable? What do you use for reading email? Because even Outlook or Netscape lets you read news easier than google. Anyway, hang in there. Cele |
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Cele wrote: On 13 Mar 2005 05:20:31 -0800, "Bev" wrote: Cele, Sorry late in responding. S is doing better after a bit of intervention. She takes those meds for sure, I have to hand feed them at this point. One of these days I'll venture into to figuring out ICQ, in the meantime I am clueless LOL! Bev Not a problem, Bev, I'm only reading occasionally anyway, due to having tons to do both at work and at home. Plus, my youngest was in emerg all weekend, due to what they thought was an ovarian cyst but what they now are considering possible IBS. Heaven only knows. I know what ya mean same here between work and home, time on the computer is limited. How is your youngest? I hope better . P.S. I also need to remember to educate myself a bit more on using google, I think I should of copied the post I responded to before I typed this and now I will just send this one cause going back to fix this one will be a disaster It's harder to use google than to use a proper mailreader. Do you have cable? What do you use for reading email? Because even Outlook or Netscape lets you read news easier than google. LOL! oh one of these days I'll get brave enough to look into a mailreader. It's not that I am not smart enough, I just have fried brain syndrome. Anyway, hang in there. Well I have been hangin' in there for about 6 years steady now and the noose just seems to get tighter and tighter. All hell broke out with my daughter once again.....on St Patricks day after I got home from work. I just can't understand her anymore. I have watched her hook up with this new boy who is 17 does not work is "grunge" style which is not pretty. Not so much the look I can accept different but he smells. Anyway story is he has had a really difficult life with a mom that is into drugs and herself more than her children. He owned one set of clothes , I was told his mother spends child support on her habit. I took him out and bought him a couple pairs of pants and shirts, I also offered him my shower when he would come to the house smellin. He and my daughter been dating about 5 months and recently they got into "another" fight. After coming to realise he is a satanist, and this fight becoming physical between them I told her after she broke it off that I felt it was for the best she did not go back with him. I want more for her and that he didn't have to believe in God but to worship the devil bothers me it is the evil of it ya know? Anyway this brings us to the next day and she leaves me this note to read upon waking for work. "He said he is going to kill himself and if he does it is my fault" I wrote her back cause we are talking I'm up at 5 a.m. for work. Telling her this was a control and manipulation tactic and it is not her fault if he suicides he is responsible for that choice. I also wrote "he is not welcome here anymore" because I knew what this was leading to. She decided to flip out on me screaming and yelling that it is not fair I can be happy but she can't be. I do not see what happiness this creep is for her. Anyway she got violent and kicked holes in her bedroom wall and threw a Picture across my living room and shattered the glass all over, then proceeded to pack her bags and try to leave. That was when I got in front of her and this became a pushing match which she won because I just can not take this **** anymore . I let her leave. She is of course with the creep. I spoke to the therapist about how her angry outbursts have gradually made it back to full force over the past 3 weeks and how now I feel this is a war I can not win. The therapist feels that because things were going rather well for most of the past 5 months and that this sudden change is also 3 weeks into an upped dose of Strattera that maybe it is medication caused . Well maybe it is and maybe it isn't. The Doctor said stop the med . I am just tired of the up and down roller coaster that has swallowed our lives completely anymore. She will be 18 in 6 months , I do not know how much more I can deal with . I am emotionally drained, I feel crippled and at her mercy . Lately I just want her to go away and leave me alone.I want my life back and I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and a prisoner to something I can not control. I want to give up and the guilt of my feelings are destroying me. I wonder has anyone else ever felt this way about there own child? How do I know when I should stop letting her keep destroying the home we share. When is enough enough? Do I let her find out the hard way? I have done everything I possibly can to help her, I have trusted the Doctors , the medications, the therapists, the counselors, , I have given up my life for this this childs needs and nothing I do is working. I really can not take this anymore. Its good for a week or two then Bam it is like she can't accept good there has to be drama and havoc in her life ...I just want some peace, some quiet, and a nice long nights sleep. I am beginning to feel I am going nuts here ...things are good , no things are bad, no wait yesterday was bad but last week was good or was that today, whats my name? I need f'in help. Bev Cele |
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"Bev" wrote in message oups.com... snipped the hell Bev has been living with.... I am beginning to feel I am going nuts here ...things are good , no things are bad, no wait yesterday was bad but last week was good or was that today, whats my name? I need f'in help. Bev Bev: Honey honey honey.... YOU need to be the one in counseling! YOU need to have a break and a bit of time away from this mess. I feel that after knowing you for a bit, I can tell that you might possibly be enabling her by 'saving' her, without your taking offense. She is going to have to hit the rock bottom hard and then get up. I am so sorry you have been, as well as she has been through all of this drama and emotional rollercoasters. I am a firm believer in 'the teacher will appear when the pupil is ready.' Now, I work with women who have had similar lives and shattering experiences. They will keep going in the same rut until they are ready and able and willing to pull out and to reach for that hand. It is a decision to make. 17 is a hard age to make that determination. You might have to make it for her. I feel for you right now. My heart is going out to your situation! Honey I am so sorry that she is not being responsible and out of control. You keep putting your foot down and letting her know you mean business and you have rules. Sometimes tough love is necessary. Consistency is desired. Just my two cents. I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs, V |
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V wrote: "Bev" wrote in message oups.com... snipped the hell Bev has been living with.... I am beginning to feel I am going nuts here ...things are good , no things are bad, no wait yesterday was bad but last week was good or was that today, whats my name? I need f'in help. Bev Bev: Honey honey honey.... YOU need to be the one in counseling! YOU need to have a break and a bit of time away from this mess. I feel that after knowing you for a bit, I can tell that you might possibly be enabling her by 'saving' her, without your taking offense. Yes, yes and yes, absolutely. I believe you are right, I just do not know how to break the pattern I have taken with her. I do get my share of therapy with the mobil therapist and yes she recently touched this issue with me. Here I thought my past was settled. I thought I had it worked through. I do not know how to stop "saving" her. I am afraid of losing her. To what ever this is, I am exhausted. She is going to have to hit the rock bottom hard and then get up. I am so sorry you have been, as well as she has been through all of this drama and emotional rollercoasters. I am a firm believer in 'the teacher will appear when the pupil is ready.' Now, I work with women who have had similar lives and shattering experiences. They will keep going in the same rut until they are ready and able and willing to pull out and to reach for that hand. It is a decision to make. 17 is a hard age to make that determination. You might have to make it for her. I feel for you right now. My heart is going out to your situation! Deep down I have known this , arguing with myself, I know she has to hit rock bottom and I know the longer I protect her as I have been the worse I am making it for her to ever face this all on her own. I keep getting stuck in the " If she is mentally ill , how can I turn my back on her this way I hate seeing her struggle". Her words to me.... "If I lose my baby I will have nothing to live for". That scares the hell out of me. She called me 3 a.m. this morning, I knew she would eventually call me after two days of hangups.We talked heart to heart, she wanted me to come to get her, "I am crying and homesick" As I have many times before , I went and got her. Mobil therapist will be here 1:00 Monday afternoon, P-doc 11:00 Tues. Morning.I have to try this one more time but this time I am not saving her . I can't continue this, I have realised I am not helping her this way. Thanks for being kind about the truth . Honey I am so sorry that she is not being responsible and out of control. You keep putting your foot down and letting her know you mean business and you have rules. Sometimes tough love is necessary. Consistency is desired. Just my two cents. I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs, V In six months my baby is gonna be 18, a whole nuther issue in itself ! It appears the ole apron strings are so tight I can hardly breath Bev |
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On 19 Mar 2005 16:49:31 -0800, "Bev" wrote:
Cele wrote: On 13 Mar 2005 05:20:31 -0800, "Bev" wrote: Cele, Sorry late in responding. S is doing better after a bit of intervention. She takes those meds for sure, I have to hand feed them at this point. One of these days I'll venture into to figuring out ICQ, in the meantime I am clueless LOL! Bev Not a problem, Bev, I'm only reading occasionally anyway, due to having tons to do both at work and at home. Plus, my youngest was in emerg all weekend, due to what they thought was an ovarian cyst but what they now are considering possible IBS. Heaven only knows. I know what ya mean same here between work and home, time on the computer is limited. How is your youngest? I hope better . She's doing well. Getting ready to graduate and move out. Mad as hell at her Dad and me 'cause we won't let her just take off on her own, and she can't financially afford to do it without us. Nothing out of the ordinary for 17, I'd say. LOL P.S. I also need to remember to educate myself a bit more on using google, I think I should of copied the post I responded to before I typed this and now I will just send this one cause going back to fix this one will be a disaster It's harder to use google than to use a proper mailreader. Do you have cable? What do you use for reading email? Because even Outlook or Netscape lets you read news easier than google. LOL! oh one of these days I'll get brave enough to look into a mailreader. It's not that I am not smart enough, I just have fried brain syndrome. Yeah, I sure do know the feeling. I use Agent, which I like a lot. I think it was Kate who put me onto it. Anyway, hang in there. Well I have been hangin' in there for about 6 years steady now and the noose just seems to get tighter and tighter. Ah, ****, I sure do know what you mean. Sometimes it never feels like it will end. It'd be easier if at least there was a deadline, past which it would all be ok. If you *knew* it was going to end well, you could get through the hardest bits with so much less grief. My heart goes out to you, Bev. All hell broke out with my daughter once again.....on St Patricks day after I got home from work. I just can't understand her anymore. I have watched her hook up with this new boy who is 17 does not work is "grunge" style which is not pretty. Not so much the look I can accept different but he smells. Could it be that she's convinced herself that's all she's worth? Anyway story is he has had a really difficult life with a mom that is into drugs and herself more than her children. He owned one set of clothes , I was told his mother spends child support on her habit. I took him out and bought him a couple pairs of pants and shirts, I also offered him my shower when he would come to the house smellin. He and my daughter been dating about 5 months and recently they got into "another" fight. After coming to realise he is a satanist, and this fight becoming physical between them I told her after she broke it off that I felt it was for the best she did not go back with him. I want more for her and that he didn't have to believe in God but to worship the devil bothers me it is the evil of it ya know? Yup. That'd be a massive problem for me, too. Anyway this brings us to the next day and she leaves me this note to read upon waking for work. "He said he is going to kill himself and if he does it is my fault" Classic manipulation using suicide threats. Seen it aplenty. Ugh. Poor kid. I wrote her back cause we are talking I'm up at 5 a.m. for work. Writing can be a good thing anyway. When one or the other of my girls and I are mad at each other, we not uncommonly write as a way of settling things. We're all very, uh, passionate, in this family, and writing has a way of keeping things more level headed. Not a thing wrong with it, if it works. Telling her this was a control and manipulation tactic and it is not her fault if he suicides he is responsible for that choice. I also wrote "he is not welcome here anymore" because I knew what this was leading to. Mmmm. Not hard to guess how she took that one..;-) She decided to flip out on me screaming and yelling that it is not fair I can be happy but she can't be. I do not see what happiness this creep is for her. Well, but of course, it's not about reason or logic, is it? Anyway she got violent and kicked holes in her bedroom wall and threw a Picture across my living room and shattered the glass all over, then proceeded to pack her bags and try to leave. That was when I got in front of her and this became a pushing match which she won because I just can not take this **** anymore . I let her leave. She is of course with the creep. Ah, Bev. I'm so sorry. You know, there's an author out there called Aphrodite Matsakis. She writes about trauma. Of all of the reading I did after T was hurt, I found her the most helpful. Concrete, solid. Talks about control, but gives solid information about what that means and how to handle it. You might like to look for her books. I recently gave T 'Trust After Trauma' in case she decides to read it some time. But it's the other one, which title escapes me at the moment, that I found most helpful. You're describing the kinds of things that led me to read it. When we went through that stage of things, I was always walking the line between understanding the rage and hurt in her, and not wanting her to become a professional victim who let her past become an excuse to step outside too many lines. It's really hard, because of course, you know for sure that they're out of control sometimes and there's no point punishing 'em for what they can't control, but on the other hand, it doesn't help them to enable behaviour that's ultimately destructive. That said, I was very loving and supportive, but she had to live with the door she kicked in and I bought her a drywall patch kit and taught her how to use it. The message in patching drywall, if it's done well, is that you can make mistakes, and you can also take action to fix them and to move on. There's a LOT of symbolism in patching drywall. As for her being with him....maybe she's going to walk a path that you can't divert her from. Maybe this is one young woman who is going to learn things the hardest ways for awhile. In which case, being there with the net is all you can do. And in the meantime, if she's not at home right now, nourish your relationship with your partner, try hard to find joy in that and in the small things, and hold to who you are. It's all you can do, and it's enough. I spoke to the therapist about how her angry outbursts have gradually made it back to full force over the past 3 weeks and how now I feel this is a war I can not win. The therapist feels that because things were going rather well for most of the past 5 months and that this sudden change is also 3 weeks into an upped dose of Strattera that maybe it is medication caused . Well maybe it is and maybe it isn't. Yup. It's so godawful hard to know. It really is. The Doctor said stop the med . I am just tired of the up and down roller coaster that has swallowed our lives completely anymore. She will be 18 in 6 months , I do not know how much more I can deal with . I am emotionally drained, I feel crippled and at her mercy . Lately I just want her to go away and leave me alone.I want my life back and I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired and a prisoner to something I can not control. I want to give up and the guilt of my feelings are destroying me. I wonder has anyone else ever felt this way about there own child? Yes. Absolutely. I totally, completely understand that feeling. I had fantasies about getting onto planes and flying away and not telling anyone where I was. I had fantasies of getting seriously ill and landing in hospital and people having to take over and me not having to do it anymore. When the twin towers fell, I thought how anyone there that day could just disappear and nobody would know they hadn't been killed and what a relief that would be. Believe me, Bev, you're not the only one, and it doesn't make you a bad person. I'm going to say something really painful, but you're sounding ready to hear it. OK? It's time to think about how you plan to live your life if she *doesn't* get healthy. She might not. She very well might, and I certainly am not giving up hope. But suppose she doesn't. Just for a minute, suppose that. Can you maintain this level of adrenaline forever? Can you be this close to the edge of things forever? Because I have to tell you, that I honestly believe, when *we* get to that point, and start setting healthier boundaries for *us*, to a significant degree, it *can* help *them*. No guarantees, of course. But every time I myself have been past endurance, and have tightened the limits, she's risen to them. And if she hadn't, I'd still've been doing the healthiest thing for me, and for her too. Bev, stand back. Talk to your partner about taking a weekend away. If you can afford to go somewhere, great, but if not, set up a weekend, where you unplug all the phones, you buy some special food, you lock the doors, and you ignore the world and focus on each other. Or, go hiking, or camping, or somewhere away. Or whatever you need to do. But try ever so hard to remember all of the other things in your life, besides your daughter, that matter to you. And think about your limits, and think about how limits for your own sanity are also limits which could build hers, and certainly won't hurt her. I know, I know. She could do herself harm. She could even kill herself. But ultimately, Bev, you don't control that. You really don't. You can't, you don't, and it may be time to control what you *can* control. That is, you, and your life and relationships. How do I know when I should stop letting her keep destroying the home we share. When is enough enough? Nobody can answer that except you. But I rather think you've already answered it. Do I let her find out the hard way? I have done everything I possibly can to help her, I have trusted the Doctors , the medications, the therapists, the counselors, , I have given up my life for this this childs needs and nothing I do is working. I really can not take this anymore. Its good for a week or two then Bam it is like she can't accept good there has to be drama and havoc in her life ...I just want some peace, some quiet, and a nice long nights sleep. I am beginning to feel I am going nuts here ...things are good , no things are bad, no wait yesterday was bad but last week was good or was that today, whats my name? I need f'in help. Yeah. And Bev, you have *got* to stand aside and let her walk her own path. You walk yours, and let her walk hers. It's time. Guilt isn't needed or helpful here. Let her go, let her learn her way, be there when she comes back, but be there with yourself intact and your boundaries articulated. Cele |
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Hello,
Hope everyones Easter was pleasant and peaceful. Ours has been So we are into almost a week of my daughter being back home and trying a new medication regimen. This P-doc we have had now for just about 8 months now seems to have an idea of what he is doing I guess. I kinda like the way he continuously tells my daughter the labels are unimportant it is the fact she has symptoms and he needs to treat those symptoms so that she can feel good within her own skin. He said the Strattera has often had the same effect on many people once the dose was increased, so he dropped it back down, added Effexor an anti depressant anti anxiety type med, and changed her Remron over to Trazadone. So two more new meds and a lower dose of Strattera. A strange but promising turn of events on friday......My daughter called me during my lunch break to tell me she contacted her guidance counselor and we have an appt. on the 31st to sign her back in to school. Now I am sure they owe her at least the diploma they pushed her through for , I am told she needs only 4 credits . I am more so pleased and happy for her that she has taken this initiative to help herself finally !!! This is another chance to help her academically. We will have yet another IEP and I am going for it with them. She deserves more from these people. She is talking about the community college and I think it will be good for her to focus on herself this way for now. So another calm week after the storm and we go back to see the doc for a follow up on the new regimen in two weeks. Thanks gals for talkin me through this last rough spot, I am feeling better and stronger and more able to keep hoping for better times for our family. Take care, Bev |
#20
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"Bev" wrote in message ups.com... Hello, Hope everyones Easter was pleasant and peaceful. Ours has been So we are into almost a week of my daughter being back home and trying a new medication regimen. This P-doc we have had now for just about 8 months now seems to have an idea of what he is doing I guess. I kinda like the way he continuously tells my daughter the labels are unimportant it is the fact she has symptoms and he needs to treat those symptoms so that she can feel good within her own skin. He said the Strattera has often had the same effect on many people once the dose was increased, so he dropped it back down, added Effexor an anti depressant anti anxiety type med, and changed her Remron over to Trazadone. So two more new meds and a lower dose of Strattera. A strange but promising turn of events on friday......My daughter called me during my lunch break to tell me she contacted her guidance counselor and we have an appt. on the 31st to sign her back in to school. Now I am sure they owe her at least the diploma they pushed her through for , I am told she needs only 4 credits . I am more so pleased and happy for her that she has taken this initiative to help herself finally !!! This is another chance to help her academically. We will have yet another IEP and I am going for it with them. She deserves more from these people. She is talking about the community college and I think it will be good for her to focus on herself this way for now. So another calm week after the storm and we go back to see the doc for a follow up on the new regimen in two weeks. Thanks gals for talkin me through this last rough spot, I am feeling better and stronger and more able to keep hoping for better times for our family. Take care, Bev Good Bev. I hope it works out! V |
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