anyone got any good jokes? Feeling a bit bitter today...

(((((Vicky))))),
I am so sorry. It must have been really scary! I don't have any good jokes,
but I love Dilbert. It always cheers me up.
(http://www.dilbert.com)

Love

--
Nicky

EDD March 26, '04. It's a girl!

Fur Babies

Vicky Bilaniuk wrote:
It's funny - he's from
downtown Toronto and has never had a problem until now, in a small city


Oh geeze, after that big long story I told about where he's from, I went
and made that mistake again. I always just say that he's from Toronto,
because that's actually where he spent most of his childhood.

Coccinella wrote:

(((((Vicky))))),
I am so sorry. It must have been really scary! I don't have any good jokes,
but I love Dilbert. It always cheers me up.
(http://www.dilbert.com)

We collect them. :-)

LMBO!!!!!


"Richard" wrote in message
...
Carla wrote:
: [ . . . ]
: Well hopefully you can get a chuckle or two and hopefully you haven't
: heard all of them befo
:
: When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
: After he eats his first brownie
:
: How do you get a nun pregnant?
: Dress her up like an altar boy
:
: What was Michael Jackson doing at Kmart?
: He heard little boys pants were 1/2 off
:
: :-)

Well, okay, Carla, you've inspired me. I wasn't going to post this, but
since
you broke the ice with these gems........ (I chose this because, at
least,
it's on topic):

A young woman elbows her way onto a crowded, rush-hour bus. She
approaches
an elderly woman sitting in a seat designated for the handicapped and
the
elderly and asks if she could take the seat.

The elderly woman looks at her strangely, asking, "Why should I give you
my seat?"

"I'm pregnant," the young woman replies.

She certainly didn't look pregnant, but, being compassionate, and
remembering
how she felt when she was pregnant with her children, the elderly woman
rises
and gives her seat to the younger woman.

While standing, swaying, grasping the strap, the elderly woman looks
over the
younger woman and begins feeling that the young woman may be taking
advantage
of her. She gathers her nerve and finally says, "You sure don't look
pregnant to me."

"Well, I am!" replies the young woman.

"Oh, really?" asks the elderly woman. "Just how far along are you?"

"About 25 minutes, and Boy! am I tired!"

Richard
Micaela's dad

LOL Richard! It's nice to see that I'm not the only one here that
doesn't have a G rated sense of humor. (maybe that'll change when my
baby's born...I hope not!)

On 16 Mar 2004 20:05:40 GMT, Richard wrote:

Carla wrote:
: [ . . . ]
: Well hopefully you can get a chuckle or two and hopefully you haven't
: heard all of them befo
:
: When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
: After he eats his first brownie
:
: How do you get a nun pregnant?
: Dress her up like an altar boy
:
: What was Michael Jackson doing at Kmart?
: He heard little boys pants were 1/2 off
:
: :-)

Well, okay, Carla, you've inspired me. I wasn't going to post this, but since
you broke the ice with these gems........ (I chose this because, at least,
it's on topic):

A young woman elbows her way onto a crowded, rush-hour bus. She approaches
an elderly woman sitting in a seat designated for the handicapped and the
elderly and asks if she could take the seat.

The elderly woman looks at her strangely, asking, "Why should I give you
my seat?"

"I'm pregnant," the young woman replies.

She certainly didn't look pregnant, but, being compassionate, and remembering
how she felt when she was pregnant with her children, the elderly woman rises
and gives her seat to the younger woman.

While standing, swaying, grasping the strap, the elderly woman looks over the
younger woman and begins feeling that the young woman may be taking advantage
of her. She gathers her nerve and finally says, "You sure don't look
pregnant to me."

"Well, I am!" replies the young woman.

"Oh, really?" asks the elderly woman. "Just how far along are you?"

"About 25 minutes, and Boy! am I tired!"

Richard
Micaela's dad

"Vicky Bilaniuk" wrote in message
.. .
I could check out RHF, but I'm wondering if anyone here has any good
jokes to share. I just got robbed and I'm feeling rather bitchy,
bitter, and plain ****ed off. I could use a little cheering up. Don't
worry, the damage is minimal, but *emotionally*... I'm very very very
****ed off. This has happened to me before in this town. I wish we
could move away but DH doesn't want to drive, so he needs to be close
enough to use the bus. I don't know what's wrong with people these days.


That just stinks Vicky. I saw a doco on bank robbers a few weeks back, and
they couldn't understand how traumatised people could get from being there
while the did their "job". None of the tellers cared much about the money
stolen, but were much more concerned about the impact on their emotions.

.... Ok this isn't really a joke in the true sense of the word, more of an
urban myth, and is very very poor taste considering the circumstances, but I
did laugh I admit it.....

A friend of ours had noticed a rattling of windows in his bedroom and snuck
down the hallway to see what was going on. As he peeped into his bedroom,
he saw a man climb in through the window. The man didn't notice him and
began rifling through his belongings.
Our friend immediately called the police to report the break-in and that the
person was still there. He was told that all available officers were on
assignment and he could expect someone to come in about 3 hours.
"3 hours!" he was horrified as he knew that they would never catch the
thief.

..... so (and this is the truly off part) ... he called the police back and
said:




"I called 5 minutes ago about a break-in and just wanted to let you know
that its OK, you don't need to hurry here. I've shot the *******!" He was
impressed to see five police on his doorstep within 2 minutes. ....

Of course he hadn't actually shot anyone, but it sure did make the police
come quick.



Told you it was in poor taste, but I hope you got a giggle.

Amanda

--
DD 15th August 2002
1 tiny angel Nov 2003
EDD 19th August 2004

:: I could check out RHF, but I'm wondering if anyone here has any good
:: jokes to share. I just got robbed and I'm feeling rather bitchy,
:: bitter, and plain ****ed off. I could use a little cheering up. Don't
:: worry, the damage is minimal, but *emotionally*... I'm very very very
:: ****ed off. This has happened to me before in this town. I wish we
:: could move away but DH doesn't want to drive, so he needs to be close
:: enough to use the bus. I don't know what's wrong with people these days.

Eek gads, woman!! I am glad you are not hurt physically! Okay, here are
some jokes sent to me by Kevin's step mother. I take no responsibility for
their political correctness:

*************************************

CHEATING HUSBAND:

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day she calls home and
a strange woman answers.

Wife: Who is this?
Maid: This is the maid.
Wife: We don't have a maid.
Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?
MAID: He's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I assumed was his wife.

The wife is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?
MAID: Of course! What will I have to do?
WIFE: I want you to take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the woman
he's with.


The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps, then gunshots, then
more footsteps.
MAID: What do I do with the bodies?
WIFE: Just drag them out and throw them in the swimming pool.


MAID: There's no pool here.


A long pause.


WIFE: Is this 832-4821?

**************************************************

SENIOR COUPLE:

A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:
: Attendant: How may I help you?
: Old Man: Please fill it up.
: Old Lady: What did he say?
: Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it
up.
: Attendant: So, where are you heading?
: Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
: Old Lady: What did he say?
: Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him
we're going to see the Grand kids.
: Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
: Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
: Old Lady: What did he say?
: Old Man: He said its good weather.
: Attendant: Where are you coming from?
: Old Man: We started our trip from Duluth.
: Old Lady: What did he say?
: Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Duluth.
: Attendant: I dated a girl from Duluth once. She wouldn't shut up and
was lousy in bed.
: Old lady: What did he say?
: Old Man: He says he knows you

**************************************

DEAR ABBY:

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also since he lost his
job two years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is buy
cigars and cruise around and bull**** with his pals, while I have to work to
pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even
pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed, Clueless


Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore -- you're
a United States Senator from New York now .
Abby
*********************

Hope you enjoyed those!!!

~Carol Ann

Richard wrote:

Vicky Bilaniuk wrote:
: [ . . . ]
: I've toyed with the idea of installing security cameras.....

You can get fairly inexpensive wireless PC cameras that could be
programmed to send an image back to your PC every 15 or 20 seconds
to be archived and retrieved if needed.

Yeah, I know... ;-) And hard drives are getting sooo cheap these days.
I just have a thing with security cameras, to be honest. It is always
a thought I toy with, but I like to stand against such things if I can.
it disturbs me that so many communities are installing cameras in
public places. I would rather control myself and *not* go overboard by
installing cameras.

tee hee ;-) Thanks!

A&G&K wrote:

Told you it was in poor taste, but I hope you got a giggle.

Muhawawawwa! Loved it!