Displeased with son's friend choices

I guess this is an age-old problem. Here's our version of it: My 8 YO
loves "trouble". He is extremely bright and curious and has always
sought knowledge of all kinds, including and especially that of the
forbidden sort. He is utterly fascinated by sex, curses, and the like.

He has just started 3rd grade at a new school and by now, in week 4,
he has developed a little "crowd" of 4 boys. They chase girls on the
playground (he insists it is friendly chasing, and the girls who he
chases do seem to be friendly to him when we see them around, e.g., at
soccer practice) and apparently delight in saying bad words and
discussing their meanings and such on the bus. One of the boys even
likes to say these words very loudly, almost (as it sounds to me from
my son's descriptions) daring the aides to hear and give him trouble.

Now, does any of this sound familiar? Normal? Worrisome? Where does an
extremely bright 8 YO take this kind of thing next? Part of me wonders
if most parents just never hear about such goings on because their
sons never tell them, whereas my son eventually always spills his guts
to me -- he can't help himself. When he tells me this stuff, I
immediately go into lecture mode about not crossing lines etc. That
is, I really don't care if he quietly discusses curses with 3 other 8
YO boys on a bus, but I'm concerned about them harrassing or offending
other kids with it or flaunting it to grownups.

Another part of my concern is that, from the sounds of it, these other
boys are like my son in their fascination with "naughtiness" but
unlike him in a way that's very important to me: My son is very
bright, an avid reader of kids' literature and nonfiction, a budding
musician, and has lots of other gifts. Why does he have to choose
friends who share only his "less nice" interests? He is in the
school's gifted program, but I'm afraid that he won't be open to
making friends with kids there because he already has a crowd for
himself, or so he thinks. He is basically a shy kid, and in the past,
I have seen him tenaciously hang onto whatever crowd of kids he makes
friends with first in a new setting. Plus, he is attracted more to
troublemaker-type kids than to smart-type kids. (I say "smart-type"
because not all smart kids, or even very smart kids, act the way the
general public expects smart kids to act.)

I have met 2 of the 3 boys he is in with, and they both appear to be
nice boys. Not really smart kids, but nice. Both their moms appear to
be nice. My son is nice! Is that enough?

I guess this is an age-old problem. Here's our version of it: My 8 YO
loves "trouble". He is extremely bright and curious and has always
sought knowledge of all kinds, including and especially that of the
forbidden sort. He is utterly fascinated by sex, curses, and the like.


I think a lot of what you describe sounds perfectly normal.
Obviously, you can't really tell him that the behavior is acceptable or
desired, but I don't think you have to be too heavy handed, as long as he's
not getting himself into trouble at school.
The only thing that I would note: you may want to discuss with him how to treat
others and how not to be a bully. Sometimes groups can lead to that sort of
thing. As long as he's respecting the other kids on the playground, he should
do fine.

"Nevermind" wrote in message
om...
I guess this is an age-old problem. Here's our version of it: My 8 YO
loves "trouble". He is extremely bright and curious and has always
sought knowledge of all kinds, including and especially that of the
forbidden sort. He is utterly fascinated by sex, curses, and the like.

He has just started 3rd grade at a new school and by now, in week 4,
he has developed a little "crowd" of 4 boys. They chase girls on the
playground (he insists it is friendly chasing, and the girls who he
chases do seem to be friendly to him when we see them around, e.g., at
soccer practice) and apparently delight in saying bad words and
discussing their meanings and such on the bus. One of the boys even
likes to say these words very loudly, almost (as it sounds to me from
my son's descriptions) daring the aides to hear and give him trouble.

Now, does any of this sound familiar? Normal? Worrisome? Where does an
extremely bright 8 YO take this kind of thing next? Part of me wonders
if most parents just never hear about such goings on because their
sons never tell them, whereas my son eventually always spills his guts
to me -- he can't help himself. When he tells me this stuff, I
immediately go into lecture mode about not crossing lines etc. That
is, I really don't care if he quietly discusses curses with 3 other 8
YO boys on a bus, but I'm concerned about them harrassing or offending
other kids with it or flaunting it to grownups.

Another part of my concern is that, from the sounds of it, these other
boys are like my son in their fascination with "naughtiness" but
unlike him in a way that's very important to me: My son is very
bright, an avid reader of kids' literature and nonfiction, a budding
musician, and has lots of other gifts. Why does he have to choose
friends who share only his "less nice" interests? He is in the
school's gifted program, but I'm afraid that he won't be open to
making friends with kids there because he already has a crowd for
himself, or so he thinks. He is basically a shy kid, and in the past,
I have seen him tenaciously hang onto whatever crowd of kids he makes
friends with first in a new setting. Plus, he is attracted more to
troublemaker-type kids than to smart-type kids. (I say "smart-type"
because not all smart kids, or even very smart kids, act the way the
general public expects smart kids to act.)

I have met 2 of the 3 boys he is in with, and they both appear to be
nice boys. Not really smart kids, but nice. Both their moms appear to
be nice. My son is nice! Is that enough?


I'm just waking up and am pre-coffee, so I hope I can pull enough thoughts
together to share with you this early a.m.

A 'few' years ago, when I was 8 and 9 years old [and a girl!] I remember
playing boys chase the girls on many occasions. It was essentially
glorified tag and it was always easy to determine who to run from because it
was always the boys. We had a grand time playing that game and there was
nothing overtly sexual about it. Now my DS, who just turned 9 and is
homeschooled, likes 'spying' on the girls at homeschool group, along with
his four or five buddies. What that consists of is mainly talking about
doing it and then getting involved in their boy games and occasionally going
near the girls to bother them. Once again, nothing overtly sexual but more
simply based in an awareness that the boys and girls are different and doing
different things and it's fun to bother/tease the girls. Perhaps your DS'
game is similar in function and is equally innocuous.

As to the language bit, well, it does seem some kids just have to push the
envelope to use those 'bad words' to get a rise out of the adults around and
experiment with them to try them on for size. If you and your DS have
talked about them and you have helped him understand what those words really
mean, it is likely that he will find them less interesting to play with and
may well choose not to call others those words because he really understands
what the intent is [at least that has worked so far with our DS when he's
trotted some out in front of us]. If his friends are reasonably well
behaved it is hopeful that they will be reasonably good friends for your DS,
but you should always be aware of all your DS' friends, as should we all, in
case something develops that you think should be addressed. Kids tend to
change friends over the years as they move away, change interests and so on,
so these friends may not be in your DS' life through their teen years, or
they may.

Good luck. I was looking for the guarantee of good parenting manual the
other day myself and was once again frustrated to find they don't issue
guarantees in those manuals!

-Aula

In article , just me says...



::snip::


I have met 2 of the 3 boys he is in with, and they both appear to be
nice boys. Not really smart kids, but nice. Both their moms appear to
be nice. My son is nice! Is that enough?


I'm just waking up and am pre-coffee, so I hope I can pull enough thoughts
together to share with you this early a.m.

You were awake enough, anyway - so was Splanche! Both of you are spot on.


A 'few' years ago, when I was 8 and 9 years old [and a girl!] I remember
playing boys chase the girls on many occasions. It was essentially
glorified tag and it was always easy to determine who to run from because it
was always the boys. We had a grand time playing that game and there was
nothing overtly sexual about it. Now my DS, who just turned 9 and is
homeschooled, likes 'spying' on the girls at homeschool group, along with
his four or five buddies. What that consists of is mainly talking about
doing it and then getting involved in their boy games and occasionally going
near the girls to bother them. Once again, nothing overtly sexual but more
simply based in an awareness that the boys and girls are different and doing
different things and it's fun to bother/tease the girls. Perhaps your DS'
game is similar in function and is equally innocuous.

Yep - that was a favorite thing when I was that age. It freaked out my
fundamentalist-leaning elementary school administration enough that they
actually segregated the playground partly in order to prevent it, but to girls
and boys this is a variation on tag and a lot of fun, and we certainly had boys
and girls chasing around like this in the neighborhood.


As to the language bit, well, it does seem some kids just have to push the
envelope to use those 'bad words' to get a rise out of the adults around and
experiment with them to try them on for size. If you and your DS have
talked about them and you have helped him understand what those words really
mean, it is likely that he will find them less interesting to play with and
may well choose not to call others those words because he really understands
what the intent is [at least that has worked so far with our DS when he's
trotted some out in front of us]. If his friends are reasonably well
behaved it is hopeful that they will be reasonably good friends for your DS,
but you should always be aware of all your DS' friends, as should we all, in
case something develops that you think should be addressed. Kids tend to
change friends over the years as they move away, change interests and so on,
so these friends may not be in your DS' life through their teen years, or
they may.

Yep.


Good luck. I was looking for the guarantee of good parenting manual the
other day myself and was once again frustrated to find they don't issue
guarantees in those manuals!

I could have written Nevemind's post, and probably would have if it weren't for
my being a Cub Scout co-Den leader. All the weirdness and wildness I saw in my
son and some of his friends was plainly evident in most of the boys his age.

Cheers,
Banty