2.5 yo and dying grandma

We have a 2.5 year old here who is relatively attached to his
grandma. Unfortunately it appears that she has a terminal disease. I
do not want to be going into specifics but it is cancer. I do not know
how to manage this issue in order to not traumatize the child. What
would moving her in entail. I am kind of of the opinion that we have
to do what we have to do for our parents period, but how would you
manage this and a small impressionable child. Any thoughts or pointers
to suggestions will be appreciated.

In article , (Geoffrey Woods)
wrote:

We have a 2.5 year old here who is relatively attached to his
grandma. Unfortunately it appears that she has a terminal disease. I
do not want to be going into specifics but it is cancer. I do not know
how to manage this issue in order to not traumatize the child. What
would moving her in entail. I am kind of of the opinion that we have
to do what we have to do for our parents period, but how would you
manage this and a small impressionable child. Any thoughts or pointers
to suggestions will be appreciated.



it was a good thing when families lived together and children learned
about birth and life and death naturally. it is horrible about your
mother -- but something bad happens to us all in the end -- and your
child will have memories of what a good daughter[or son?] you were in
caring for your mother and making her final days as supported as
possible -- this is a powerful message to your own child. 'we loved
grandma, so we took care of her like she has taken care of us' -- and of
course -- the day may come when you will be grateful you taught this
lesson. it is not only the decent and loving thing to do, but the thing
that will be best in the long run for your child.

the trauma? you just comfort, acknowledge the sadness you all feel, and
remember how much you loved Grandma

Geoffrey Woods wrote:

We have a 2.5 year old here who is relatively attached to his
grandma. Unfortunately it appears that she has a terminal disease. I
do not want to be going into specifics but it is cancer. I do not know
how to manage this issue in order to not traumatize the child. What
would moving her in entail. I am kind of of the opinion that we have
to do what we have to do for our parents period, but how would you
manage this and a small impressionable child. Any thoughts or pointers
to suggestions will be appreciated.


My middle child was, hmmm...three years old or so when
my grandmother died, and he was very close to her as well.
We lived within walking distance of each other and I was
providing a lot of caretaking for her (she was living with
my parents). She was ill for a long time and died at home
while under hospice care. It's not easy, and it takes some
explaining, but you would be very surprised how well small
children deal with it. You do have to explain that she
is very sick and her body is wearing out and that she
probably does not have very long to live. The doctors
will do their best to help her feel better, but they can't
fix her. There are lots of sicknesses, and for most of
them you get better, but this is one of the kinds of
sicknesses that probably won't get better. Add in whatever
religious or spiritual beliefs you have about death and
dying and the afterlife. Let him be with his Grandma--
he'll likely be very patient and kind with her. Obviously,
protect him from the really difficult bits, like scary
medical procedures and whatnot. Personally, I probably
wouldn't have them at the deathbed either. For mine
(three and five at the time), they were frequently with
my grandmother until the very last few days. The last
time they saw her was when we had our minister over to
sit with her and share Communion. After that, she went
downhill rapidly and her breathing was very labored
and she was on enough morphine that she was unconscious
much of the time. I think that would have been very
scary for them. As it stands, their last memory of
her was very peaceful and not at all scary.
You also have to talk about emotions and how
it makes you very sad and it's okay to be sad. Also
talk about the good times and how you'll always have
memories of the good times. Take lots of pictures
and have lots of special times.
Line up some support for yourself (get hospice
involved if they're not already). Have friends or other
family on standby so that if you need someone to watch
you son on short notice, you can get it. You'll need
that sometimes for emergencies (e.g., Grandma has an
emergency and needs to go to the hospital or something)
or maybe just because you're having a really rough day
and need a break (end of life caretaking is brutally
difficult, though it is the most loving thing you can
do).
I'm sorry for your situation--this must be
very difficult for you. Don't worry about what this
will do to your son. He'll see lots of love and
compassion, and that's a good thing even if it comes
in a difficult situation.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Geoffrey Woods wrote:
We have a 2.5 year old here who is relatively attached to his
grandma. Unfortunately it appears that she has a terminal disease. I
do not want to be going into specifics but it is cancer. I do not know
how to manage this issue in order to not traumatize the child. What
would moving her in entail. I am kind of of the opinion that we have
to do what we have to do for our parents period, but how would you
manage this and a small impressionable child. Any thoughts or pointers
to suggestions will be appreciated.

I think a little kid like this can handle a grandmother moving in. It
certainly seems like it would fit the child's needs better than constantly
either hauling the kid over to visit Grandma or leaving the child behind
while you go.

I also think it doesn't matter whether it's the best thing for the child
or not: the child is part of the family and sometimes other people's needs
come first. It's part of being in a family. People adapt quite well to
it, even learn some important lessons. And in the end, death might make
more sense if the child can see it coming rather than just getting it
announced fait accompli.

One of my profound early memories was my grandfather gathering me and a
cousin to his bedside when I was six and telling us, "Kids, never
smoke. It just isn't worth it." He died at the age of 50 of lung
cancer. (None of his grandchildren smoke.)

Wendy

On Mon, 17 Nov 2003 14:01:31 -0600, (Geoffrey Woods)
wrote:

We have a 2.5 year old here who is relatively attached to his
grandma. Unfortunately it appears that she has a terminal disease. I
do not want to be going into specifics but it is cancer. I do not know
how to manage this issue in order to not traumatize the child. What
would moving her in entail. I am kind of of the opinion that we have
to do what we have to do for our parents period, but how would you
manage this and a small impressionable child. Any thoughts or pointers
to suggestions will be appreciated.

Hi Geoffrey. We lost my mother this summer, also to cancer. My
sympathies on your situation. I'll echo Ericka's suggestion of getting
in touch with hospice if you haven't already; there wasn't a single
person who was less than considerate and kind, of the numerous people
who cared for my mother (and for us) at the end of her life.

Your son will almost certainly surprise you. We had several kids around
at various points of my mother's last illness (my three, my brother's
two, a young cousin, and a friend's two), ranging from a few months to
13. We were honest with the kids about grandma dying and about
expecting her to get worse and worse over time, and about how she would
love to see them and how we had to be gentle because she tired easily.
The kids handled it better than the grownups, and between cues from them
and my mother, it was fairly easy to tell when she and/or the kids had
had enough and needed some space.

My older son and my nephew were both at her house the day she died;
while my son was not comfortable going to her bedside (she was in a coma
when he arrived), my nephew did want to, and held her hand and said
goodbye; his temperament is such that it was important to allow him that
closure. (The boys were 13 and nine (respectively) at the time.) I
think my step-daughter would also have been comforted by being at the
bedside near the end, but she was out of state at the time.

Anyway, let your son and your mother together help to guide you on what
is appropriate for the two of them.

My best wishes to your family at this very difficult time.

My wife and I moved into my wife's grandmother's home last year to care for
her at the age of 92 after she had fallen and broken her hip. Our daughter
was 2 at the time. Granny died last November, 6 months after we had moved
in. The time was precious, and we have many great memories and photos of
the two of them together; when she died our daughter handled it remarkably
well, once in awhile she makes mention of Granny watching us from heaven.
It was the right thing to do for us, no regrets.

Dave


"Geoffrey Woods" wrote in message
...
We have a 2.5 year old here who is relatively attached to his
grandma. Unfortunately it appears that she has a terminal disease. I
do not want to be going into specifics but it is cancer. I do not know
how to manage this issue in order to not traumatize the child. What
would moving her in entail. I am kind of of the opinion that we have
to do what we have to do for our parents period, but how would you
manage this and a small impressionable child. Any thoughts or pointers
to suggestions will be appreciated.

"Geoffrey Woods" wrote in message
...
We have a 2.5 year old here who is relatively attached to his
grandma. Unfortunately it appears that she has a terminal disease. I
do not want to be going into specifics but it is cancer. I do not know
how to manage this issue in order to not traumatize the child. What
would moving her in entail. I am kind of of the opinion that we have
to do what we have to do for our parents period, but how would you
manage this and a small impressionable child. Any thoughts or pointers
to suggestions will be appreciated.

I believe in dealing with children in an honest way but using language
that they will understand. Children are incredibly resilent, so much so
that we don't give them enough credit sometimes. As your child is only 2
1/2 I don't envisage many problems for you. Perhaps that you could say that
grandma is going to become a star in the sky at night, that will always be
looking down on your child.

It is a difficult situation for you but we sometimes put "grown up thoughts
and feelings" onto our children. We expect them to be feeling the same way
as ourselves, but children operate on a completely different wave length.

My two daughters (8 and 11) have recently lost their father to a
Glioblastoma, and other than a few tears on the day that he died, they have
carried on with their lives almost as if nothing has happened. They still
talk about him and his quirky little ways but they certainly don't appear to
be upset. I even had a child psycologist sit with them because I was so
concerned that they weren't "reacting", but they were, just in their own
way.

I wish you well and give you my warmest hugs.

Alayne

Alayne wrote:
My two daughters (8 and 11) have recently lost their father to a
Glioblastoma, and other than a few tears on the day that he died, they have
carried on with their lives almost as if nothing has happened. They still
talk about him and his quirky little ways but they certainly don't appear to
be upset. I even had a child psycologist sit with them because I was so
concerned that they weren't "reacting", but they were, just in their own
way.

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss!

You touched on a point in your post that I forgot to make: part of the
baggage we bring to a death is the knowledge of how long it is going to
hurt us. We know about the sharp little stabs of pain you get when you
find yourself thinking, "Oh, I'll have to call _____ and tell her
that!" and the you remember with fresh grief that you can't ever call her
again. A child just doesn't see that coming.

They don't know how the continuing loss will shadow them forever: your
daughters might not need counselling today, but when Christmas rolls
around and no one hung the lights or set up the train the way Daddy always
did they might feel grief unexpectedly... or some equally inoccuous thing
will happen and they'll suddenly realized how thoroughly gypped they've
been by fate.

You have my sympathies navigating through this terrain. (I've been there
before, obviously.)

Wendy