Middle Schoolers

I am a student at Illinois State University and I have a few questions
for parents of middle schoolers....
1. What are the biggest joys, as well as challenges in parenting teens?
2. What are your feelings about the friends of your teens?
3. Do you feel that being a teen is more of less stressful than your
own teen experience?
I appriciate all responses to my questions. Thank you

jagotte wrote:
I am a student at Illinois State University and I have a few questions
for parents of middle schoolers....
1. What are the biggest joys, as well as challenges in parenting teens?

Watching them become ever more capable and independent is a real joy
for me. My guys are now in cross country; it's so amazing to see the
same legs that used to get so tired walking to the mailbox now running
2 miles or more at a time! And I really enjoy talking with them about
things like music, politics, movies, religion & whatnot -- they can
grasp and then articulate so much more than they could in elementary
school.

Challenges... you can almost see the war waging within them as they
struggle to really become their own person, just as they did when they
were 2. 2 YOs, though, are a lot easier to distract and giggle out of a
bad mood! And it's hard to watch when your kid is trying to find
his/her place, and is having trouble doing so.

2. What are your feelings about the friends of your teens?

At the moment, they're good; I know most of them and have a good
relationship with them through church, teams, neighborhood,
chauffeuring them, even the old playgroup from when they were toddlers.
We've had rough patches here and again, though.

3. Do you feel that being a teen is more of less stressful than your
own teen experience?

My kids have more stressors than I did, although part of that is
because of where we live -- a more urban environment than the small
town in which I grew up, where most of the kids came from families
who'd lived there forever. While there was teen drinking and pot
smoking, I don't believe it was as prevalent as the surveys show it is
today. I tend to think society is more materialistic today than it was
then; technology has made available lots more "stuff" to acquire and
show off and then discard as the upgraded version becomes available.

Not that it was entirely easy during my own teen years; I knew of kids
who misstepped and wound up dead (drunken driving crash) or became
parents while still in school. I know problems like date rape and drug
use and shoplifting were around. But they didn't seem as prevalent.

Lori G.
Milwaukee, WI



I appriciate all responses to my questions. Thank you

jagotte wrote:
I am a student at Illinois State University and I have a few questions
for parents of middle schoolers....
1. What are the biggest joys, as well as challenges in parenting teens?

Honestly, I have not found the joys yet. I enjoyed the younger years
significantly more. The challenges?
1. letting go of control and letting her be her own person
2. teaching her lessons while avoiding lecturing
3. keeping my opinions to myself while still being able to be one of
her life teachers
4. teaching her responsibility and following through on consequences
5. knowing when she is being honest with me
6. knowing when she just wants me to listen versus give her advice
7. giving her the wings to fly but knowing when to bring the wings down
a bit lower :-)

2. What are your feelings about the friends of your teens?

I consider my daughter a tween...she is almost 11 and in 6th grade.
Thus far, we have had a few "Queen Bee" issues where my daughter is
feeling pressure to be accepted by the Queen Bee and is avoiding her
good friend because she is afraid that Queen Bee won't like her if she
remains friends with her other friend. We talk about that a lot and we
also talk about it with her other friend, who in my opinion is a very
sweet girl. I have noticed in my daughter's school that the girls who
are more developed physically (large breasts, got their periods earlier
than most; typically dress more provocatively) are more of the
"leaders" setting rules for the girls around them. Seems like there is
already a hierarchy of popular girls and nerds. I would love to see my
daughter stick with the nerds....and be one too! But then again I tell
my daughter that we're all a bunch of nerds.
3. Do you feel that being a teen is more of less stressful than your
own teen experience?

I think it starts earlier today. I saw it start in 4th grade with the
girls being mean to each other. Perhaps it's where we live; I don't
know. I grew up in NY. I have a son whose early schooling was in CA
and now we're in the NW, in sort of a hick town. Geography and sex of
the child can also make a difference in these questions that you're
asking. However, I think that today, with ipods, cellphones, instant
messenger, and everything digital....kids have more pressure to have
the trappings that we did not have to even think about growing up. In
fact, my 27 year old son pointed out to me that he thinks that his 11
year old sister has a harder life due to the pressures of having
"things" and not being in if you don't have a laptop in 6th grade.
Perhaps that's a slight exageration but it's an issue that can't be
ignored.

My graduated from college about 6 or 7 years ago and made it without a
computer, a car, a cellphone and worked his way through college in 4
years. Today he is quite comfortable and has earned everything that he
has and takes very good care of all that he has. I guess I'm going off
topic regarding what kids get versus what they earn...sorry, I tend to
do that.

I hope my input has helped you in some way. Good luck!
I appriciate all responses to my questions. Thank you

In article . com,
"jagotte" wrote:

I am a student at Illinois State University and I have a few questions
for parents of middle schoolers....
1. What are the biggest joys, as well as challenges in parenting teens?
2. What are your feelings about the friends of your teens?
3. Do you feel that being a teen is more of less stressful than your
own teen experience?
I appriciate all responses to my questions. Thank you


My children are no longer middle school (heck, the youngest will be
twenty in a few months) but I wanted to respond to the last question.

I don't think it's an easy answer. For some, our culture is undoubtedly
LESS stressful. I'm thinking particularly of sexual minorities.
Compare my brother's experience of misery and suicide attempts before he
was able to come out of the closet to my son's experience. My son says
closets are for clothes, and never came out 'cause he never went in.
And last Sunday at church a young person I've known for years got up to
tell us that she was transgendered and beginning the transition (male to
female), and thanked her parents for their support. I talked to her
later; it turns out all the kids her age already knew, and were glad
she'd finally decided to go public. Since our congregation has a couple
of transgendered adults, and has watched two make the transition, we are
better able to deal with this than others.

Now, I know I'm in an unusually safe place for this, but even those
youth who are NOT being raised in this open an environment are at least
likely to be where they'll hear the language and be less isolated. It
has to help. There are more and more high schools with Gay-Straight
Alliances, and it is no longer considered acceptable (in most places) to
beat up on a kid who is perceived as gay.

There are undoubtedly other examples of ways in which our society has
become more open, and so life is less stressful for that portion of the
population.

On the other hand, I was in high school before I ever saw pot, and in
college before I was ever offered any. Yes, there was drinking -- but
that's all. My kids, on the other hand, were offered pot by the time
they were in 8th grade, and more serious stuff in high school.
According to Mary Pipher (author of "Reviving Ophelia"), our daughters
are being forced to make decisions in junior high about things WE didn't
encounter until college -- way before they are emotionally mature enough
to handle the issues. (The book is about girls, but there's no reason
to believe the same is not true for boys.) My mom says she's glad she
raised us when she did -- that society is MUCH less friendly towards
child rearing, and towards teenagers, and that the issues teens are
forced to face right now are just too difficult.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

I have one middle schooler (12, 7th grade), and a 16-yr-old who's past
the middle school years. Both boys.

I vastly prefer parenting older children and teens than I did babies
and toddlers.

They're smart, funny, witty, they can share in my hobbies and
interests, and are a lot of fun to be around. They are useful, too ,
and can actually contribute a lot to the family. I'm not doing much
*for* them anymore.
My biggest challenge is having to drive them around to all their
various activities when I really wish they could drive themselves
already. The 12-year-old is a little moody, but he's always been like
that, so we've learned to deal with it.

They have always seemed to choose good friends who are very much like
they are. No conflicts there.

Their teen years seem to be a lot less angst-filled than mine were. I
was so over-protected that I was afraid of everything and found it hard
to make friends. With my boys, everyone is a friend - they make friends
very easily and have none of the nervousness or self-doubt that
plagued me well into adulthood.
I give them a lot more freedom than I was afforded, and they
consistently show that they can handle it

Now if I could just get them to give back my Queen and Led Zeppelin
CDs...

jagotte wrote:
I am a student at Illinois State University and I have a few questions
for parents of middle schoolers....
1. What are the biggest joys, as well as challenges in parenting teens?
2. What are your feelings about the friends of your teens?
3. Do you feel that being a teen is more of less stressful than your
own teen experience?
I appriciate all responses to my questions. Thank you

I'm confused. Isn't middle school in the US (as in Illinois)
considered to be grades 6 though 8? Kids in those grades would tend to
be 'tweens --ages 11 though 14, certainly not the hardcore teen years.

I'm also curious as to what you'll be doing with these responses, why
you're not using your school .edu account to do what you claim is a
school research assignment, and what your full name is (so that people
can check out your claims of being a student if they so choose -- using
an address you've never used on a newsgroup before doesn't really
help).

Barbara

jagotte wrote:
I am a student at Illinois State University and I have a few questions
for parents of middle schoolers....

If you are targetting middle schoolers you are concentrating on younger
teens who seem to me (with 13 and 15 year olds) to be in the 'easy' time of
their teen years.

1. What are the biggest joys, as well as challenges in parenting
teens?

So far it's their continued development as interesting people. They're fun!
I've also been impressed with the way my son and daughter interact with
their friends and the skills they seem to have gained out of nowhere for
conflict resolution within their circles. (This is slightly less evident
during conflicts with their parents and siblings!)


2. What are your feelings about the friends of your teens?

They are all good kids.


3. Do you feel that being a teen is more of less stressful than your
own teen experience?

I think my kids are enjoying their teens more than I did and it's probably
because my family moved every few years when I was a child and that was
fairly hard on me, socially.

Tai