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#1
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"Bad Girl!!!"
Jessica has a new habit of saying "bad girl" all the time as a joke. She
has never heard those words from myself or from my husband; I have a major problem with that particular phrase. It turns out that the other little girl at Jessica's daycare says things like "bad girl" and "shut up" all the time. She's only there with that girl about one day a week, but it's obviously still an influence. Right now I"ve just been telling her that mommy doesn't want to hear that and that Jessica is a very good girl. Are there any ways of curbing this, or is it just a phase? laurie mommy to Jessica, 28 months! and Christopher, 4 months! *This email address is now valid* |
#2
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"Bad Girl!!!"
On Wed, 13 Aug 2003 20:06:35 GMT, "Laurie"
wrote: Jessica has a new habit of saying "bad girl" all the time as a joke. She has never heard those words from myself or from my husband; I have a major problem with that particular phrase. It turns out that the other little girl at Jessica's daycare says things like "bad girl" and "shut up" all the time. She's only there with that girl about one day a week, but it's obviously still an influence. Right now I"ve just been telling her that mommy doesn't want to hear that and that Jessica is a very good girl. Are there any ways of curbing this, or is it just a phase? It's probably a phase, but I would not say that Jessica is a good girl either. In it's own way that is damaging also. When you praise her praise the specific action she takes. A general *you are a good girl* when she knows sometimes she is not can be very unhelpful to your communicating with her later on. Even though you think you are helping by saying you don't want to hear that, you aren't. You are still paying attention to the behavior, so she will probably continue it. Ignore the words entirely and they will be more likely to drop out as she sees she gets no reaction to them. Do teach respect. Ask her how she feels when someone calls her a "bad girl." Explain that these words hurt people's feelings, that it makes no difference if other kids are using the same language, and that name-calling simply isn't allowed. Your toddler is still working on learning empathy and probably won't remember to think of others, but she still needs to know that her actions have an affect on them. But teach this at a time when she is not using the language so you are not paying attention to what she said at the time. laurie mommy to Jessica, 28 months! and Christopher, 4 months! *This email address is now valid* -- Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the world that can be heard unless someone listens .. Outer Limits |
#3
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"Bad Girl!!!"
x-no-archive:yes "Laurie" wrote:
Jessica has a new habit of saying "bad girl" all the time as a joke. She has never heard those words from myself or from my husband; I have a major problem with that particular phrase. It turns out that the other little girl at Jessica's daycare says things like "bad girl" and "shut up" all the time. She's only there with that girl about one day a week, but it's obviously still an influence. Right now I"ve just been telling her that mommy doesn't want to hear that and that Jessica is a very good girl. Are there any ways of curbing this, or is it just a phase? It's kind of the same thing as you get sometimes where a child will use bad language because of the reaction it gets from the parents. The fact that she thinks it is a joke means that the meaning of the words is less important than the reaction. As you said you have a problem with it. Other than completely ignoring it, I know of no solution for you at this age assuming she's about 3? If she were older and using inappropriate language you might be able to explain to her why you don't want her to say that. Or you could give her a time out for saying it perhaps. But myself - I'd ignore it. grandma Rosalie |
#4
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"Bad Girl!!!"
If she is getting any kind of reaction from you, she is going to continue
it. I agree with Dorothy and not even use good girl either, but rather her behavior is good or bad depending on the situation. Also kids are going to pick up a lot of stuff everywhere and there is no way to try and shelter them from it. Most of it we either need to ignore if it isn't too terrible or just say that we don't use those kinds of words or we don't behave that way. -- Sue mom to three girls Laurie wrote in message . .. Jessica has a new habit of saying "bad girl" all the time as a joke. She has never heard those words from myself or from my husband; I have a major problem with that particular phrase. It turns out that the other little girl at Jessica's daycare says things like "bad girl" and "shut up" all the time. She's only there with that girl about one day a week, but it's obviously still an influence. Right now I"ve just been telling her that mommy doesn't want to hear that and that Jessica is a very good girl. Are there any ways of curbing this, or is it just a phase? laurie mommy to Jessica, 28 months! and Christopher, 4 months! *This email address is now valid* |
#5
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"Bad Girl!!!"
toto wrote in message . ..
On Wed, 13 Aug 2003 20:06:35 GMT, "Laurie" wrote: Jessica has a new habit of saying "bad girl" all the time as a joke. She has never heard those words from myself or from my husband; I have a major problem with that particular phrase. It turns out that the other little girl at Jessica's daycare says things like "bad girl" and "shut up" all the time. She's only there with that girl about one day a week, but it's obviously still an influence. Right now I"ve just been telling her that mommy doesn't want to hear that and that Jessica is a very good girl. Are there any ways of curbing this, or is it just a phase? It's probably a phase, but I would not say that Jessica is a good girl either. In it's own way that is damaging also. When you praise her praise the specific action she takes. A general *you are a good girl* when she knows sometimes she is not can be very unhelpful to your communicating with her later on. I do not fully agree with this. I agree that, in the normal course of events, you should praise the good behavior. I think that tells the child precisely WHAT is so praiseworthy. But I do not like the advice to avoid telling the child that she is a good girl. This is partly because I believe we are ALL good girls and boys from birth unless someone does us harm, and that the making of mistakes does not change that. So it is a slight difference in view. I think that just as calling a child a bad boy can be a self-fullfilling profesy, so to can reminding them that, at their nature, they are a good boy, and that the making of mistakes is a normal part of the human experience. Even though you think you are helping by saying you don't want to hear that, you aren't. You are still paying attention to the behavior, so she will probably continue it. Ignore the words entirely and they will be more likely to drop out as she sees she gets no reaction to them. Do teach respect. Ask her how she feels when someone calls her a "bad girl." Explain that these words hurt people's feelings, that it makes no difference if other kids are using the same language, and that name-calling simply isn't allowed. Your toddler is still working on learning empathy and probably won't remember to think of others, but she still needs to know that her actions have an affect on them. But teach this at a time when she is not using the language so you are not paying attention to what she said at the time. laurie mommy to Jessica, 28 months! and Christopher, 4 months! *This email address is now valid* |
#6
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"Bad Girl!!!"
In article ,
Chookie wrote: In article , "Sue" wrote: Most of it we either need to ignore if it isn't too terrible or just say that we don't use those kinds of words or we don't behave that way. I agree, and am putting it into practice -- DS has brought home "Oh my God" from daycare -- he said it three times yesterday, and I'm gritting my teeth. I really, really hate it -- I'd prefer him to say s***! The only problem can be that sometimes the response they get from other people is so dramatic that the fact that their parents aren't responding is moot. When DD#1 came home from preschool with some new words, I finally had to ask her to apologize to the neighbor boy and told her that some words were so upsetting for other people to hear that if she was going to keep using those words she'd have to stay in her bedroom so that no one had to hear them. (Though it was really hard not to laugh as this sweet little 4 yo looked up shyly and apologized for "calling you a F***** A******") meh -- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care |
#7
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"Bad Girl!!!"
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#8
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"Bad Girl!!!"
dragonlady wrote:
In article , Chookie wrote: In article , "Sue" wrote: Most of it we either need to ignore if it isn't too terrible or just say that we don't use those kinds of words or we don't behave that way. I agree, and am putting it into practice -- DS has brought home "Oh my God" from daycare -- he said it three times yesterday, and I'm gritting my teeth. I really, really hate it -- I'd prefer him to say s***! The only problem can be that sometimes the response they get from other people is so dramatic that the fact that their parents aren't responding is moot. When DD#1 came home from preschool with some new words, I finally had to ask her to apologize to the neighbor boy and told her that some words were so upsetting for other people to hear that if she was going to keep using those words she'd have to stay in her bedroom so that no one had to hear them. (Though it was really hard not to laugh as this sweet little 4 yo looked up shyly and apologized for "calling you a F***** A******") --------------- Anyone who makes a 4 y/o apologize for saying ANYTHING should be beaten!! meh -- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care ----------- Read your own ****ing sig quote, you ****ing asshole! Steve |
#9
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"Bad Girl!!!"
toto wrote:
On 15 Aug 2003 07:02:38 -0700, (Stephanie) wrote: A general *you are a good girl* when she knows sometimes she is not can be very unhelpful to your communicating with her later on. I agree here too that making mistakes is a normal part of the human experience. But the attractiveness of *being bad* is there too sometimes as a rebellion or just as a testing of the limits. ------------------- Rebellion against fascism is laudable and human. Testing limits is only done against unreasonable limits. Reasonable limits everyone approves because they want protection too. No one is all good or all bad. And the point is to let the child make that determination. Mostly if you praise the action, the child then sees what was good about it and can evaluate himself or herself as good for performing it without any adult telling about it. Dorothy -------------------- Nope, that's just stupid ****ing mind control. Steve |
#10
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"Bad Girl!!!"
In article ,
"R. Steve Walz" wrote: dragonlady wrote: In article , Chookie wrote: In article , "Sue" wrote: Most of it we either need to ignore if it isn't too terrible or just say that we don't use those kinds of words or we don't behave that way. I agree, and am putting it into practice -- DS has brought home "Oh my God" from daycare -- he said it three times yesterday, and I'm gritting my teeth. I really, really hate it -- I'd prefer him to say s***! The only problem can be that sometimes the response they get from other people is so dramatic that the fact that their parents aren't responding is moot. When DD#1 came home from preschool with some new words, I finally had to ask her to apologize to the neighbor boy and told her that some words were so upsetting for other people to hear that if she was going to keep using those words she'd have to stay in her bedroom so that no one had to hear them. (Though it was really hard not to laugh as this sweet little 4 yo looked up shyly and apologized for "calling you a F***** A******") --------------- Anyone who makes a 4 y/o apologize for saying ANYTHING should be beaten!! You really ought to read a little more carefully before you fly off the handle -- though I know how much you enjoy gonig over the top in your criticism of nearly everyone. I suppose I should be glad to give you an opportunity to yell at me. I didn't actually MAKE her apologize; I asked her to apologize, and told her that if she didn't, the boy in question (a 10 year old whose company she really enjoyed) probably wouldn't want to play with her any more, since he didn't like being called names and had been so upset by this one that he'd felt compelled to come and tell me he didn't want to play with her if she was going to keep doing that. (He was a very sweet kid, and not prone to tattleing -- he was visibly upset by hearing language that I know was NEVER used in his house.) I've never forced my kids to apologize -- a forced apology is pretty meaningless. However, I've let them know how their actions have made other people feel, and that NOT apologizing would have certain consequences -- in this case, not being able to play with a kid she liked, not because *I* wouldn't allow it, but because *he* wouldn't. Once she realized that she really had made him feel bad, and that the language was really over the top for most people, she was genuinely sorry. Interestingly, as she has moved through her teens and into her twenties (she'll be 21 soon!) she's always been very careful about her language around adults or young children or anyone she knows might find it offensive. She's perfectly willing to use scattological terms -- I've heard her with her friends! -- but I've also heard her explaining to younger teens that they should clean up their casual use of swearing around people who find it offensive (mostly us unreasonable adults . . ..); her general position seems to be that language should only be used to offend someone on purpose -- not because you're too lazy to clean it up. meh -- Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care |
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