My girlfriend's child

Hi all,

I've been dating a wonderful woman (we'll call her Rudy) for just over
2 years. She has 2 boys, 10 and 12 years old, that live with their
father and his new wife the majority of the time. Rudy gets the boys
every Wednesday evening and every other weekend. I am very involved
with the and they have seemed to accept me. I have never heard them
say to me "you're not my dad" when disciplining them.

The oldest boy (D), seems to have issues with respecting women. He
has been be really mean and hateful towards his mother in the past,
and, while that has eased up a little, his disrespect towards females
has spilled over to other parts of his life. He recently received an
In School Suspension for calling a classmate a "bitch" and, on a
separate occasion, received 4-30 minute detentions from a teacher.
the latter incident involved D coming to call on 4 consecutive days
chewing gum, which is against school rules. Each day the teacher
reminded him of the rule. On the 4th day she told him that if he did
it again, he would get detention. His response was "I don't care".

D and I speak frequently about the importance of respecting others and
I get the feeling when we talk that there is a connection and
understanding. He and I really do get along well because I talk to
him and explain things to him and try to treat him like a mature
person rather than the screaming and yelling and macho crap he gets
from his dad.

Which I think is the source of the problem. His dad had respect
issues with his own mother (I think the was a slut) and, when Rudy and
D's dad were divorcing 5 years ago, the dad was open with how he felt
towards Rudy with his boys. Another problem with the dad is that I
don;t think he understands how serious this is or could be. He gets
very defensive and claims that the problem is between D and his mom
and that the dad doesn't think there's any other issues. He's just a
blind ass. Of course, I try to be as friendly as possible and keep my
feelings about him to myself.

Anyway, I'd love some feedback or suggestions.

I have never heard them
say to me "you're not my dad" when disciplining them.


You are the boyfriend. You have no business "disciplining" your girlfriend's
children.

and yelling and macho crap he gets
from his dad.

Which I think is the source of the problem.

You may be right. You may be wrong. But you have no power. There's not a
damn thing you can do about this, other than what you are doing. But you are
going to probably be more and more frustrating because you aren't the dad and
you have no power.

Of course, I try to be as friendly as possible and keep my
feelings about him to myself.

That's about all you can do. Don't marry this woman thinking it's going to
change. It's not.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

Non custodial women are a rare thing and the term "Bitch" IMHO is usually
well applied.

Seeing as the father has been bringing up HIS kids whilst you catch them
every so often for a few hours, why would you have any buisness trying to
shape their lives??? do you have kids??? if so where are they??? if not then
another reason to but out and stop trying to play a part time father role
with no qualifications.

HanK.

Geez Joelle, I was going to say almost the same thing.........I have to
stop agreeing with you.......it might ruin my image ;-)

"Joelle" wrote in message
...
I have never heard them
say to me "you're not my dad" when disciplining them.


You are the boyfriend. You have no business "disciplining" your
girlfriend's
children.

and yelling and macho crap he gets
from his dad.

Which I think is the source of the problem.

You may be right. You may be wrong. But you have no power. There's not
a
damn thing you can do about this, other than what you are doing. But you
are
going to probably be more and more frustrating because you aren't the dad
and
you have no power.

Of course, I try to be as friendly as possible and keep my
feelings about him to myself.

That's about all you can do. Don't marry this woman thinking it's going
to
change. It's not.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

As an adult involved in these kids lives, he does have a resposibility
to speak up about right & wrong, especially if mom isn't close by.
"Disciplin" is not clearly defined here.

I think there is something he can do. He can make it real clear that
it's not right to treat women that way. Of course Mom has to step
forward too.

As he may be a potential stepparent, I think it would be a mistake to
"keep his feelings to himself".

This boy needs a good role model.

Zimm

Joelle wrote:
I have never heard them
say to me "you're not my dad" when disciplining them.



You are the boyfriend. You have no business "disciplining" your girlfriend's
children.


and yelling and macho crap he gets

from his dad.

Which I think is the source of the problem.


You may be right. You may be wrong. But you have no power. There's not a
damn thing you can do about this, other than what you are doing. But you are
going to probably be more and more frustrating because you aren't the dad and
you have no power.


Of course, I try to be as friendly as possible and keep my
feelings about him to myself.


That's about all you can do. Don't marry this woman thinking it's going to
change. It's not.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

Nope, it is definitely NOT his place, at the current time he is transient in
the kids life, secondly he has no business involving himself with ANY
discipline of the child.......that is the child's PARENTS place. He should
limit himself to reacting to situations of immediate danger only. If there
are things he feels are not appropriate, they should be brought up to the
child's mother to deal with. He should not involve himself with the kids
father either. That is for the mother to do. PERIOD.

If he doesn't like it and cannot tolerate it, I suggest he hit the road.

"Zimm" wrote in message
...
As an adult involved in these kids lives, he does have a resposibility
to speak up about right & wrong, especially if mom isn't close by.
"Disciplin" is not clearly defined here.

I think there is something he can do. He can make it real clear that
it's not right to treat women that way. Of course Mom has to step
forward too.

As he may be a potential stepparent, I think it would be a mistake to
"keep his feelings to himself".

This boy needs a good role model.

Zimm

Joelle wrote:
I have never heard them
say to me "you're not my dad" when disciplining them.



You are the boyfriend. You have no business "disciplining" your
girlfriend's
children.


and yelling and macho crap he gets

from his dad.

Which I think is the source of the problem.


You may be right. You may be wrong. But you have no power. There's
not a
damn thing you can do about this, other than what you are doing. But you
are
going to probably be more and more frustrating because you aren't the
dad and
you have no power.


Of course, I try to be as friendly as possible and keep my
feelings about him to myself.


That's about all you can do. Don't marry this woman thinking it's going
to
change. It's not.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

On Thu, 11 Dec 2003 14:12:33 -0800, "Paul Fritz"
wrote:

Nope, it is definitely NOT his place, at the current time he is transient in
the kids life, secondly he has no business involving himself with ANY
discipline of the child.......that is the child's PARENTS place. He should
limit himself to reacting to situations of immediate danger only. If there
are things he feels are not appropriate, they should be brought up to the
child's mother to deal with. He should not involve himself with the kids
father either. That is for the mother to do. PERIOD.

If he doesn't like it and cannot tolerate it, I suggest he hit the road.

Actually, I'd hope my kids' neighbors, friends' parents, teachers,
coaches etc. would be more involved than "immediate danger only." That
turn-a-blind-eye stuff is for the birds. The OP is part of that kid's
village and since all we have is a first glance to go on, then I'd say
at first glance he appears to be interested in the child growing up
with a balanced view of men/women. If that's the case, the child will
be better off in the long run because of his involvement than he would
be if the guy kept mum when he saw injustice (both on the child's
behalf and on behalf of the gender being dissed).

lm

Actually, I'd hope my kids' neighbors, friends' parents, teachers,
coaches etc. would be more involved than "immediate danger only.

Teachers have an authortarian role. Friends parents establish house rules and
behavior in their house. Boyfriends do not discipline.

That
turn-a-blind-eye stuff is for the birds.

Who said anything about a bline eye? I'm talking about responsiblity and
power. The boyfriend has neither.

The OP is part of that kid's
village and since all we have is a first glance to go on, then I'd say
at first glance he appears to be interested in the child growing up
with a balanced view of men/women

He can want that all he wants, but for better or worse, he's not the dad and he
doesn't have the power or the responsiblity of a father.

If that's the case, the child will
be better off in the long run because of his involvement than he would
be if the guy kept mum when he saw injustice (both on the child's
behalf and on behalf of the gender being dissed).

Look at if from the kids position. He's with his dad most of the time. He
needs to get along with, respect and obey his dad. The last thing he needs is
Mom's boyfriend telling him there's something wrong with his dad's values. The
only thing he can do is be an example, and I think he's well within his rights
to say "Don't talk to your mother like that in front of me" but anything
beyond that is outside his responsiblity and power. It's not going to make it
easier for the kid. This is for the mother and father to work out. Boyfriend
butting in is only going to make it worse, especially for the kid.


Joelle

The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

"lm" wrote in message
...
On Thu, 11 Dec 2003 14:12:33 -0800, "Paul Fritz"
wrote:

Nope, it is definitely NOT his place, at the current time he is transient
in
the kids life, secondly he has no business involving himself with ANY
discipline of the child.......that is the child's PARENTS place. He
should
limit himself to reacting to situations of immediate danger only. If
there
are things he feels are not appropriate, they should be brought up to the
child's mother to deal with. He should not involve himself with the
kids
father either. That is for the mother to do. PERIOD.

If he doesn't like it and cannot tolerate it, I suggest he hit the road.

Actually, I'd hope my kids' neighbors, friends' parents, teachers,
coaches etc. would be more involved than "immediate danger only." That
turn-a-blind-eye stuff is for the birds.

Nobody said anything about turning a blind eye.......but there woould be
hell to pay if I ever found a neighbor, or a friend's parents trying to
discipline my child. A coach or teacher have a specific role in a specific
area.


The OP is part of that kid's
village and since all we have is a first glance to go on, then I'd say
at first glance he appears to be interested in the child growing up
with a balanced view of men/women.

I'd say it is more abot power and control.

If that's the case, the child will
be better off in the long run because of his involvement than he would
be if the guy kept mum when he saw injustice (both on the child's
behalf and on behalf of the gender being dissed).

The child wuld be better off if the parents were the ones doing the
discipline


lm

'Kate wrote in message ...


Oh HanK, it's cute how ignorant you are.

'Kate



Comical, Kate, Comical