Responsible for grandkids?

I am 50 years old and I have 3 grown children. I have always told my kids
that when they have children, not to expect grandma to offer free
babysitting as I have "done my time"



I have one granddaughter who is 9. She stays over night about 4 times a
year, that is enough for me as I find it hard work. My married daughter has
been a SAHM for 9 years and now wants to return to college. She is having a
problem with childcare and needs someone to take care of my granddaughter 1
day a week after school. She can afford childcare, but there are no places
in any of the after school programs for around 6 months.



She asked me if I would pick her up from school one day a week for around 6
months till the after school program has places. I told her no and that her
child is her respoibility. My daughter seems angered by this as neither me
nor my husband work anymore (my husband recently took early retirement) and
seems to think I "owe" her some of my free time. My husband thinks we should
do it as it is only for 6 months, but I told him that isn't the point. If I
do this now, when my other children have their own kids they will also
expect free babysitting and it just isn't happening.



How do you explain to grown kids that grandma is done raising kids,
especially when so many grandmas seem to spend their own lives raising their
grandkids?

"Joan" wrote in message
...
I am 50 years old and I have 3 grown children. I have always told my kids
that when they have children, not to expect grandma to offer free
babysitting as I have "done my time"



I have one granddaughter who is 9. She stays over night about 4 times a
year, that is enough for me as I find it hard work. My married daughter
has
been a SAHM for 9 years and now wants to return to college. She is having
a
problem with childcare and needs someone to take care of my granddaughter
1
day a week after school. She can afford childcare, but there are no places
in any of the after school programs for around 6 months.



She asked me if I would pick her up from school one day a week for around
6
months till the after school program has places. I told her no and that
her
child is her respoibility. My daughter seems angered by this as neither me
nor my husband work anymore (my husband recently took early retirement)
and
seems to think I "owe" her some of my free time. My husband thinks we
should
do it as it is only for 6 months, but I told him that isn't the point. If
I
do this now, when my other children have their own kids they will also
expect free babysitting and it just isn't happening.



How do you explain to grown kids that grandma is done raising kids,
especially when so many grandmas seem to spend their own lives raising
their
grandkids?

You are young, healthy and retired. You come across as rather selfish in
this post. You obviously didn't like being a mother if you still resent
"doing your time".

This is your daughter and only grand-daughter you are talking about here.
She's not asking a lot and is only asking, despite your adamant refusal to
"babysit" any of your grandkids (who says the others will have children
anyway), because she is desperate. You should be supportive of her wish to
improve her life by going back to college. So you said no and seem surprised
that she's upset by this. You are not being made to "raise" any grandchild,
just look after one one night a week for six months.

Yep, you definitely sound selfish. My mother is 76. My dad is 84 and they
live an hours drive away. If I even mention we are ill or have a problem
they are over here without us asking or expecting, to help look after DD who
is nearly three, because they love us and they love her and they love to
help both the children they raised in any way they can. Any of our parents
and parents in-law are here to help if we need (even the ones who live 8 hrs
drive away) because they are family and we support each other in times of
need.

Where I live there are lots of grandparents raising their grandchildren
because their own child has died of a drug overdose or a car accident. You
just never know what life will bring. Why aren't you looking at this as a
way to get to know your GD better? While I can see that you don't want to
get caught in the fulltime Grandma babysitting trap I doubt it will happen.
You are not exactly supportive of your kids are you?

Liz

"Joan" wrote in message
...
I am 50 years old and I have 3 grown children. I have always told my kids
that when they have children, not to expect grandma to offer free
babysitting as I have "done my time"

Wow, nice.

I have one granddaughter who is 9. She stays over night about 4 times a
year, that is enough for me as I find it hard work.

If I was your daughter and knew you felt that way, you wouldn't even have to
worry about getting your grand-daughter 4 times a year.

She asked me if I would pick her up from school one day a week for around
6
months till the after school program has places. I told her no and that
her
child is her respoibility. My daughter seems angered by this as neither me
nor my husband work anymore (my husband recently took early retirement)
and
seems to think I "owe" her some of my free time. My husband thinks we
should
do it as it is only for 6 months, but I told him that isn't the point. If
I
do this now, when my other children have their own kids they will also
expect free babysitting and it just isn't happening.

It's **ONE** day a week. She's going to college, it's not like she's out
partying. You should be more supportive. But I guess you've "done your
time" supporting your kids too?

How do you explain to grown kids that grandma is done raising kids,
especially when so many grandmas seem to spend their own lives raising
their
grandkids?

I understand a grandparent not wanting to watch/keep grandkids all the time,
and unannounced. I had a friend who used to drop her son off with grandma
several times a week but that was so she could go to the mall, not work or
go to school. Grandma told her she wasn't gonna do that. She would watch
the grandson if the daughter had things to do and with advanced warning.

I hardly see picking the grand-daughter up once a week as "raising" her
though.

--
Sophie
mom of 4

"Joan" wrote in message
...
I am 50 years old and I have 3 grown children. I have always told my kids
that when they have children, not to expect grandma to offer free
babysitting as I have "done my time"



I have one granddaughter who is 9. She stays over night about 4 times a
year, that is enough for me as I find it hard work. My married daughter
has
been a SAHM for 9 years and now wants to return to college. She is having
a
problem with childcare and needs someone to take care of my granddaughter
1
day a week after school. She can afford childcare, but there are no places
in any of the after school programs for around 6 months.



She asked me if I would pick her up from school one day a week for around
6
months till the after school program has places. I told her no and that
her
child is her respoibility. My daughter seems angered by this as neither me
nor my husband work anymore (my husband recently took early retirement)
and
seems to think I "owe" her some of my free time. My husband thinks we
should
do it as it is only for 6 months, but I told him that isn't the point. If
I
do this now, when my other children have their own kids they will also
expect free babysitting and it just isn't happening.



How do you explain to grown kids that grandma is done raising kids,
especially when so many grandmas seem to spend their own lives raising
their
grandkids?

Every day of my life I thank God for my wonderful mother, who watches all
of her grandkids, has watched mine since the first one was born 15 years
ago, and who cried yesterday because my youngest is going to first grade on
Tuesday and she won't have him every day anymore. She has taken them to
interesting places, taught them how to cook, and showered them all with tons
of love. They all ADORE her.
You're talking about ONE nine-year-old girl. Think of how much YOU would
gain by spending time with her once a week. In a few years she'll be a
teenager , and will be GONE.
Sheesh, why do people have families just to push them away and deny them
help that would be so easy to give? Would you feel better if she paid you?
You seem to stress the "Free" part an awful lot.

"Joan" wrote in message
...
I am 50 years old and I have 3 grown children. I have always told my kids
that when they have children, not to expect grandma to offer free
babysitting as I have "done my time"



I have one granddaughter who is 9. She stays over night about 4 times a
year, that is enough for me as I find it hard work. My married daughter
has
been a SAHM for 9 years and now wants to return to college. She is having
a
problem with childcare and needs someone to take care of my granddaughter
1
day a week after school. She can afford childcare, but there are no places
in any of the after school programs for around 6 months.



She asked me if I would pick her up from school one day a week for around
6
months till the after school program has places. I told her no and that
her
child is her respoibility. My daughter seems angered by this as neither me
nor my husband work anymore (my husband recently took early retirement)
and
seems to think I "owe" her some of my free time. My husband thinks we
should
do it as it is only for 6 months, but I told him that isn't the point. If
I
do this now, when my other children have their own kids they will also
expect free babysitting and it just isn't happening.



How do you explain to grown kids that grandma is done raising kids,
especially when so many grandmas seem to spend their own lives raising
their
grandkids?



At 50, you're still young (when I'm 50, my son will be 8 years old) enough
to care temporarily for a 9 year old ONCE a week. Seeing her once a week
for six months seems like it would be a great opportunity to get to know
your granddaughter better and have some special time together as well as
help your daughter out. If you choose to refuse this "babysitting"
opportunity, that's your choice but don't expect other people to be happy
with your choice. Your daughter has a right to be angry with you.

Jeanne

"Bruce Bridgman and Jeanne Yang" wrote:
"Joan" wrote in message
...
I am 50 years old and I have 3 grown children. I have always told my kids
that when they have children, not to expect grandma to offer free
babysitting as I have "done my time"

I have one granddaughter who is 9. She stays over night about 4 times a
year, that is enough for me as I find it hard work. My married daughter has
been a SAHM for 9 years and now wants to return to college. She is having a
problem with childcare and needs someone to take care of my granddaughter 1
day a week after school. She can afford childcare, but there are no places
in any of the after school programs for around 6 months.

She asked me if I would pick her up from school one day a week for around 6
months till the after school program has places. I told her no and that her
child is her respoibility. My daughter seems angered by this as neither me
nor my husband work anymore (my husband recently took early retirement) and
seems to think I "owe" her some of my free time. My husband thinks we should
do it as it is only for 6 months, but I told him that isn't the point. If I

So let him do it. My dh is far more into the grandchildren than I am,
and he would gladly do something like this. Where is it written that
it has to be the grandmother.

do this now, when my other children have their own kids they will also
expect free babysitting and it just isn't happening.

Are you so spineless that you could not tell your other children No,
even if you do this one thing for your daughter. I doubt it.

If you don't want to be considered as doing free babysitting, the
answer is simple. Have your daughter pay you the equivalent of what
the school after care would cost.

How do you explain to grown kids that grandma is done raising kids,
especially when so many grandmas seem to spend their own lives raising their
grandkids?

The only way that this explanation will work is if you are so involved
in other things that you actually have no time to do this. You do not
offer this as an explanation, so I don't think it is true.

Otherwise you are going to come off as a selfish unfeeling
mom/grandmother.

At 50, you're still young (when I'm 50, my son will be 8 years old) enough
to care temporarily for a 9 year old ONCE a week. Seeing her once a week
for six months seems like it would be a great opportunity to get to know
your granddaughter better and have some special time together as well as
help your daughter out. If you choose to refuse this "babysitting"
opportunity, that's your choice but don't expect other people to be happy
with your choice. Your daughter has a right to be angry with you.

I agree with that - a 9 year old is hardly a baby.

I think you have 4 choices
a) Look like a mom who doesn't care about her daughter and have your
husband and daughter angry with you.
b) Be so busy with other commitments (like a job or travel) that it is
not possible for you to be home to pick up your granddaughter after
school
c) Get paid for picking up your daughter
d) Let your husband do it.


grandma Rosalie

"Bruce Bridgman and Jeanne Yang"
wrote in :


"Joan" wrote in message
...
I am 50 years old and I have 3 grown children. I have
always told my kids that when they have children, not to
expect grandma to offer free babysitting as I have "done
my time"



I have one granddaughter who is 9. She stays over night
about 4 times a year, that is enough for me as I find it
hard work. My married daughter
has
been a SAHM for 9 years and now wants to return to
college. She is having
a
problem with childcare and needs someone to take care of
my granddaughter
1
day a week after school. She can afford childcare, but
there are no places in any of the after school programs
for around 6 months.



She asked me if I would pick her up from school one day a
week for around
6
months till the after school program has places. I told
her no and that
her
child is her respoibility. My daughter seems angered by
this as neither me nor my husband work anymore (my husband
recently took early retirement)
and
seems to think I "owe" her some of my free time. My
husband thinks we
should
do it as it is only for 6 months, but I told him that
isn't the point. If
I
do this now, when my other children have their own kids
they will also expect free babysitting and it just isn't
happening.



How do you explain to grown kids that grandma is done
raising kids, especially when so many grandmas seem to
spend their own lives raising
their
grandkids?



At 50, you're still young (when I'm 50, my son will be 8
years old) enough to care temporarily for a 9 year old ONCE
a week. Seeing her once a week for six months seems like
it would be a great opportunity to get to know your
granddaughter better and have some special time together as
well as help your daughter out. If you choose to refuse
this "babysitting" opportunity, that's your choice but
don't expect other people to be happy with your choice.
Your daughter has a right to be angry with you.

heh, i'll be 50 in 2 weeks. my son is 4
if this woman can't keep up with a 9 year old, i feel sorry
for her.
my parents are in thier 80s & they're more than delighted to
spend time with thier grandson (& a 4 year old autie boy can
be quite a handful g). but they say it keeps them young... i
bet my dad hasn't run downhill in a wagon since HE was a kid
(we didn't have either a wagon or hills when i was little. we
did go sledding though), but he does it with Boo.
i think the OP comes across as selfish, but there could be
extenuating circumstances like health issues or money
problems, i guess... although my mom has severe arthritis in
her hands & that doesn't stop her, & my dad has had a triple
bypass...
lee it's one day a week! sheesh! be a part of your
granddaughter's life. you never know what the future will be

"Joan" wrote in message
How do you explain to grown kids that grandma is done raising kids,
especially when so many grandmas seem to spend their own lives raising
their
grandkids?

It seems to me that you don't want to say "no," you want to say "hell, no."

I think you are perfectly within your grandmotherly rights to not want to
raise your grandchildren. I even think, and am apparently in the majority,
that you don't even have to say OK to one day a week. In your case, it
sounds like you would prefer to develop a relationship with your
grandchildren if you were not obligated to do so.

But if you have a big "I raised mine already" chip on your shoulder, that's
probably what is upsetting your daughter.

Could you simply say, I am not comfortable making that commitment, but if
you need me in am emergency I'll be there? Could you help her think of other
options, such as trading off afternoons with another mom, or finding an
afterschool activity that day?

I love the idea of grandpa doing it. Would that work?
--
Marnie
--

Joan wrote:

I am 50 years old and I have 3 grown children. I have always told my kids
that when they have children, not to expect grandma to offer free
babysitting as I have "done my time"



I have one granddaughter who is 9. She stays over night about 4 times a
year, that is enough for me as I find it hard work. My married daughter has
been a SAHM for 9 years and now wants to return to college. She is having a
problem with childcare and needs someone to take care of my granddaughter 1
day a week after school. She can afford childcare, but there are no places
in any of the after school programs for around 6 months.



She asked me if I would pick her up from school one day a week for around 6
months till the after school program has places. I told her no and that her
child is her respoibility. My daughter seems angered by this as neither me
nor my husband work anymore (my husband recently took early retirement) and
seems to think I "owe" her some of my free time. My husband thinks we should
do it as it is only for 6 months, but I told him that isn't the point. If I
do this now, when my other children have their own kids they will also
expect free babysitting and it just isn't happening.



How do you explain to grown kids that grandma is done raising kids,
especially when so many grandmas seem to spend their own lives raising their
grandkids?




I guess I'll be the voice of the minority here and say there's no reason
whatsoever you should feel like you have to do this favor for your
daughter.

I'm all for families helping each other out, but IMO, *expecting* a
6-month commitment to child care is grossly unreasonable. I don't have
any problem with a grown daughter asking for the favor, but she has
absolutely no right to be angry or offended if you decline politely.
It's not like she asked you to keep the child for a couple of days while
she got that emergency appendectomy taken care of. (By the way,
"politely" is along the lines of, "Oh, I'm sorry, I really can't do
that"; not "Are you crazy? I've done my time."

OTOH, as a couple of others have said, if your husband thinks it's a
good idea, I also don't see any reason for him *not* to take on the
responsibility.

Clisby

"Staycalm" wrote in message
u...
"Joan" wrote in message
...
I am 50 years old and I have 3 grown children. I have always told my
kids
that when they have children, not to expect grandma to offer free
babysitting as I have "done my time"
I have one granddaughter who is 9. She stays over night about 4 times a
year, that is enough for me as I find it hard work. My married daughter
has
been a SAHM for 9 years and now wants to return to college. She is
having
a
problem with childcare and needs someone to take care of my
granddaughter
1
day a week after school. She can afford childcare, but there are no
places
in any of the after school programs for around 6 months.
She asked me if I would pick her up from school one day a week for
around
6
months till the after school program has places. I told her no and that
her
child is her respoibility. My daughter seems angered by this as neither
me
nor my husband work anymore (my husband recently took early retirement)
and
seems to think I "owe" her some of my free time. My husband thinks we
should
do it as it is only for 6 months, but I told him that isn't the point.
If
I
do this now, when my other children have their own kids they will also
expect free babysitting and it just isn't happening.



How do you explain to grown kids that grandma is done raising kids,
especially when so many grandmas seem to spend their own lives raising
their
grandkids?

You are young, healthy and retired. You come across as rather selfish in
this post. You obviously didn't like being a mother if you still resent
"doing your time".

Here is a lady who having 3 grown kids one with 9 year
olds most likely has became a mother when she was very
young. She didn't spend her twenties working and
hanging with friends and traveling, she spent her youth
chasing small children. Now she would like to have no
responsibilities so she can take off for the week on a
whim, or golf that extra nine holes when her friends want,
or hang out for more bridge anyday of the week. She has
earned it. She doesn't come off as selfish to me at all.
She comes off as being just like my mother, who had four
children before she was 25. And is a great grandmother,
(and mom) on her terms. My father is one of those grandfathers
that loves to help out. Between work and getting his masters
at the same time he missed out on much of the early childhood
stuff. He has been known to volunteer to watch the grandkids
while his children and their spouses go on vacation for a week.
And he's very good at it. Let grandpa try out the weekly
babysitting, if he wants. Or suggest the daughter start next
semester, when she has afterschool childcare. I personally
am surprised a grown woman didn't figure out childcare
before she signed up for classes. It is her child.