Alternatives to Time Out

On Wed, 27 Aug 2003 23:03:15 GMT, "P. Tierney"
wrote:


"toto" wrote:

Act immediately. Say, *we throw balls not trains,* get a soft ball
and let them throw it at a basket. Bozo buckets is a hit at this
age. Or use bean bags if you haven't any soft balls to throw.

What are Bozo buckets? I did a search at a few toy sites and
didn't find them. I don't have any bean bags either, which is a
good idea. Thx.

Sorry, Chicago area TV show uses the term.

It's basically just a set of four or five buckets and a line that you
stand behind to throw bean bags or balls into the buckets to see
how far you can aim and throw.

At birthday parties the kids get prizes for getting the bean bag in
each bucket, but I find that children who are 2 or 3, just like the
game and don't need any prizes for it.

P. Tierney



--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..
Outer Limits

P. Tierney wrote:


My child (20 months) doesn't throw her toys, but some same-aged
friends who come over, and are generally good kids, can, for example,
go to the toy train table and start picking up cars and tracks and throwing
them at random. Their parents don't approve, but sometimes don't know
what to do about it either.

I'm not concerned about the mess, but about damage, injury, and
the example that it's setting to my child. Some people say that
it's "natural" or "kid being a kid" stuff, but I don't quite agree.
Thanks.


With the kids who visit our home, I feel perfectly
comfortable (and have never had any parent object) if I
go up to the kid, look 'em in the eye, and say, "The rules
in our house are that we do not throw toys inside the
house. If you would like to throw something you can..."
If they're in the midst of a throwing spree and are on
the younger side, I'll often also hold their hand or
something to prevent the throw before it happens while
I give my little speech. It usually works like a charm--
and often far better than the parents trying to tell them
not to throw things.

Best wishes,
Ericka

On Wed, 27 Aug 2003 14:14:09 -0400, "Stephanie and Tim"
wrote:



I would say that if the wrong is too difficult for the child to understand,
that it is inapproriate to expect them to do until they can understand. It
is the parent's job to compensate. This is exactly the case when arbitrary
punishment teaches nothing except that the parents are wacked and do hurtful
things to me for absolutely unknown reasons. Example. A parent gets all
freaked because their toddler plays with his penis at diaper changing times.
It is wrong or a sin or whatever. So the parent smacks their hand. From the
kid's point of view WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?? Mom just Hit me! OK, after a
couple of repetitions, the child finally associates the smack with the penis
handling. And stops. Indicating to the parent that the child has learned
that this is "wrong." The have only learned that they do not want to get hit
and will resume playing with their penis later when you are not looking.

But thats not what were talking about. First of all, we were talking
about confiscations and groundings. And I expect this relates to kids
much older than yours. And that you have only one.

If my kids start beating each other on the head with a toy (and yes,
despite certain person's opinons, kids do this), then yes, they are
going to be separated from each other (grounded if you will) and the
toys will be removed (confiscated). We will also discuss why that was
done, but I can assure you, the other stuff will happen first.

As far as the throwing the toy example, learning right and wrong is a
work in progress. Im simply not willing to have my house or myself
destroyed. So we make it a learning progress. SOME children might
respond to just being asked to roll the toy around. Of course if you
know any of these kids, send them to my house.

I believe that a chidl doesnt suddenly became a certain age to
understand and do, and that is why we work with our kids the way they
do. If I simply kept allowing the child to throw the toy at the wall
until I felt he understood, by then he would be so used to doing it
that it would seem as if I were"changing the rules". I would consider
that to me more unfair than never having thrown the toy at all.

Barb

Nikki wrote in message news:3f4b81a6_2@newsfeed...
Not every single moment needs to be a life lesson, sometimes
there is a point when the situation just needs to end and let peace
rule.

YES, thank you Nikki. ;-)
--
Cheryl S.
Mom to Julie, 2 yr., 5 mo.
And a boy, EDD 4.Sept

Cleaning the house while your children are small is like
shoveling the sidewalk while it's still snowing.

Hi -

( the 6 and 8.5 year old, where the younger one hits but the older
one triggers.)

In our house, when the kids fight, it doesn't matter which one does the
hitting. Both kids have to solve the problem and both get punished
together. They also get rewarded for helping each other keep their
tempers, play nicely, etc. My kids are 6 and 8, too.

Separately, help the hitter find other ways to express anger. Say the
words for him, ie "I'm so mad at you!" Discuss what his sister did that
angered him and confirm that it was naughty. If he's the only one being
punished, the world will seem an unjust place, in which case why NOT
hit?

My two cents,
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

On Thu, 28 Aug 2003 11:58:52 -0400, "Laura E. Brooks"
wrote:

Ime, though, children brought up in homes where they don't
see *hitting* from their parents, don't hit without provocation.
They may hit, but there is a reason and that is what has to
be addressed.

What about siblings fighting? My DS (just turned 6) has a really short fuse
and of course, my DD (8.5) knows how to light it! ;-) But sometimes all it
takes is a nasty look from her to set him off and then he starts hitting
her. And I feel like I have to get involved and stop the hitting, but then
I'm kind of at a loss. We talk about it, I've tried sending him to time
out, taking away TV or allowance, but when he gets really fired up, he
doesn't seem to be able to control himself. He jokingly asked me "For my
next birthday present, can I hit Sarah?" LOL

Suggestions?

Laura

Get Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

There are lots of helpful suggestions and specific scenarios are
included.

The basic technique:

Normal Bickering - Ignore it. Tell yourself the children are having
an important experience in conflict resolution.

Situtation Heating Up.
Acknowledge their anger. *You two sound so mad at
each other.*
Reflect each child's pov. *So, John, you want to keep
that toy* *Max, you think you are entitled to a turn too.*
Describe the problem with respect. *That's a tough one.
Two children and only one bike.*
Express confidence in the children's ability to find their
own solution. *I am sure that you two can work out a
solution that is fair to each of you.*
Leave the room.

Situtation Possibly Dangerous
Inqui *Is this a play fight or a real fight?*
Let the children know: *Play fighting is only ok if both
of you want to do it.*
Respect your own feelings: *You may be playing, but
it's too rough for me. Please find another activity.*

Situation Definitely Dangerous
Describe what you see: *I see two very angry children
who are about to hurt each other.*
Separate the children: *It's not safe to be together.
Please go to your rooms and cool off. You can come
out and play together when you are not so angry. *


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..
Outer Limits

"P. Tierney" wrote in message
news:gj83b.211080$cF.67942@rwcrnsc53...

"Barbara Bomberger" wrote in message
...
On Wed, 27 Aug 2003 09:08:51 -0400, "Stephanie and Tim"
wrote:


I do not understand this. What is wrong with throwing a toy?

Well. throwing some toys destroy the toys, Theoritically one might
say that would be the lesson in itself, but at two I'm not sure.

Any suggestions at the following problem?

My child (20 months) doesn't throw her toys, but some same-aged
friends who come over, and are generally good kids, can, for example,
go to the toy train table and start picking up cars and tracks and
throwing
them at random. Their parents don't approve, but sometimes don't know
what to do about it either.

I'm not concerned about the mess, but about damage, injury, and
the example that it's setting to my child. Some people say that
it's "natural" or "kid being a kid" stuff, but I don't quite agree.
Thanks.



P. Tierney



Well, all I can tell you is what I would do. I would politely, ask them
please do not throw the toys. I will throw in a thank you if they are
looking like they are itching to comply. That often sends them over the
bend, like they have to deserve the thanks. Note that with my son this
frequently works by itself. If it did not, which is likely with someone
else's kid, I would walk over, take them REALLY GENTLY by the hand or hands
and look them in the eye and repeat the same quietly with "I know you do not
want to accidentally hurt someone." I think the very gently and the really
quietly works great. I do not know why. If this did not work, I am not
certain what I would do since it has never happened to me.

Worth a try. Let us know how it goes.

Stephanie

On Thu, 28 Aug 2003 10:33:54 -0400, "Cheryl S."
wrote:

Nikki wrote in message news:3f4b81a6_2@newsfeed...
Not every single moment needs to be a life lesson, sometimes
there is a point when the situation just needs to end and let peace
rule.

YES, thank you Nikki. ;-)

I could not agree more. while it is nice to make some confrontations
into educational lessons, sometimes the situation just has to stop.

Barb