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Runaway teenagers



 
 
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  #1  
Old September 11th 04, 12:52 PM
Ms Louise Clayton
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Posts: n/a
Default Runaway teenagers

Hi All

I have placed posts here before asking if anyone lives in small country
towns and have lack of services and support by way of family.
this post is wanting to hear from parents who have runaway teenagers.
my 16 yr old daughter ran away from her loving home some months back and I
have been lucky enough to hear about her exploits which now have become
dangerous, since leaving she has been pregnant lost it, continuing a abusive
boyfriend relationship, he was the father of the kid. she has just recently
been gang raped by school mates and undergone a rape from the son of the
family she chose to run away too.
wants nothing to do with me and this of course is very difficult.
would be interested to hear from other parents with a similar situation and
how they coped other than ringing everyone under the sun and being told she
is 16 yrs old and can do as she pleases.
I have exhausted all the avenues I can think of so maybe with a few more
parents with thinking caps on they might come up with a way to at least get
some measures put in place that will keep her safer from anything more
happening to her
Thanks
Chloe


  #2  
Old September 11th 04, 12:57 PM
Tiffany
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default


"Ms Louise Clayton" wrote in message
...
Hi All

I have placed posts here before asking if anyone lives in small country
towns and have lack of services and support by way of family.
this post is wanting to hear from parents who have runaway teenagers.
my 16 yr old daughter ran away from her loving home some months back and I
have been lucky enough to hear about her exploits which now have become
dangerous, since leaving she has been pregnant lost it, continuing a

abusive
boyfriend relationship, he was the father of the kid. she has just

recently
been gang raped by school mates and undergone a rape from the son of the
family she chose to run away too.
wants nothing to do with me and this of course is very difficult.
would be interested to hear from other parents with a similar situation

and
how they coped other than ringing everyone under the sun and being told

she
is 16 yrs old and can do as she pleases.
I have exhausted all the avenues I can think of so maybe with a few more
parents with thinking caps on they might come up with a way to at least

get
some measures put in place that will keep her safer from anything more
happening to her
Thanks
Chloe



What avenues have you exhausted?

T


  #3  
Old September 11th 04, 01:06 PM
Ms Louise Clayton
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Hi Tiffany
I have tried
Police
magistrates
lifeline
mental health
sexual assault counsellors
school counsellors
psychiatrists
psychologists
social worker
family where she lives
parents of some of the other kids who are in her group
dept community services
family link
friends
hospitals
PCYC
my other kids
Accessline
the church
to name a few
have been trying since the 14th July this year when she ran away
Got any other suggestions?
Any appreciated
Chloe
"Tiffany" wrote in message
...

"Ms Louise Clayton" wrote in message
...
Hi All

I have placed posts here before asking if anyone lives in small country
towns and have lack of services and support by way of family.
this post is wanting to hear from parents who have runaway teenagers.
my 16 yr old daughter ran away from her loving home some months back and

I
have been lucky enough to hear about her exploits which now have become
dangerous, since leaving she has been pregnant lost it, continuing a

abusive
boyfriend relationship, he was the father of the kid. she has just

recently
been gang raped by school mates and undergone a rape from the son of the
family she chose to run away too.
wants nothing to do with me and this of course is very difficult.
would be interested to hear from other parents with a similar situation

and
how they coped other than ringing everyone under the sun and being told

she
is 16 yrs old and can do as she pleases.
I have exhausted all the avenues I can think of so maybe with a few more
parents with thinking caps on they might come up with a way to at least

get
some measures put in place that will keep her safer from anything more
happening to her
Thanks
Chloe



What avenues have you exhausted?

T




  #4  
Old September 11th 04, 02:48 PM
Paul Griffiths
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

"Ms Louise Clayton" wrote in message
...
Hi All

I have placed posts here before asking if anyone lives in small country
towns and have lack of services and support by way of family.
this post is wanting to hear from parents who have runaway teenagers.
my 16 yr old daughter ran away from her loving home some months back and I
have been lucky enough to hear about her exploits which now have become
dangerous, since leaving she has been pregnant lost it, continuing a

abusive
boyfriend relationship, he was the father of the kid. she has just

recently
been gang raped by school mates and undergone a rape from the son of the
family she chose to run away too.
wants nothing to do with me and this of course is very difficult.
would be interested to hear from other parents with a similar situation

and
how they coped other than ringing everyone under the sun and being told

she
is 16 yrs old and can do as she pleases.
I have exhausted all the avenues I can think of so maybe with a few more
parents with thinking caps on they might come up with a way to at least

get
some measures put in place that will keep her safer from anything more
happening to her


Please don't take this the wrong way as it's not intended as any form of
criticism. What I am trying to do it clarify the situation a little, at
least in my mind.

So, my question is simply why someone would run away from a loving home into
a situation such as this, which is bad and shows every sign of getting
worse, but still be unwilling to return home or indeed have any contact with
her mother?

Something must have triggered the initial running away and until you know
what that is I reckon you're working in the dark. What's keeping her away
is, perhaps, easier to work out but I still think that initial cause it the
crucial one.


--
Paul Griffiths


  #5  
Old September 11th 04, 03:28 PM
Cele
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

On Sat, 11 Sep 2004 11:52:13 GMT, "Ms Louise Clayton"
wrote:

Hi All

I have placed posts here before asking if anyone lives in small country
towns and have lack of services and support by way of family.
this post is wanting to hear from parents who have runaway teenagers.
my 16 yr old daughter ran away from her loving home some months back and I
have been lucky enough to hear about her exploits which now have become
dangerous, since leaving she has been pregnant lost it, continuing a abusive
boyfriend relationship, he was the father of the kid. she has just recently
been gang raped by school mates and undergone a rape from the son of the
family she chose to run away too.
wants nothing to do with me and this of course is very difficult.
would be interested to hear from other parents with a similar situation and
how they coped other than ringing everyone under the sun and being told she
is 16 yrs old and can do as she pleases.
I have exhausted all the avenues I can think of so maybe with a few more
parents with thinking caps on they might come up with a way to at least get
some measures put in place that will keep her safer from anything more
happening to her
Thanks
Chloe

Hi Chloe.

I have two daughters, 19 & nearly 17. I'm enormously fortunate in
that they are both doing well at this point.

However. When my nearly 17 year old was barely 13, before going
through puberty, she was abducted and raped in handcuffs at knifepoint
for most of a school day. The rapist knew what he was doing and timed
this so that she'd come home at the usual time, and he told her if she
revealed what had happened, he would hunt her down and kill her. She
believed him and told nobody for almost exactly a year. We have since
had considerable confirmation, both by events during that year that
later made sense, and by mental health professionals who have dealt
with her, that the event she has disclosed exactly fits the symptoms
she showed later.

During that first year, when she hadn't told us what was wrong, she
literally changed overnight. She too had a loving family, and she had
always been a sweet, youngish-for-her-age, eager to please, loving
kid. Suddenly, she was completely over the top. She would be
affectionate one minute, almost dependent, then with no intervening
interaction, she would suddenly be raging, breaking things, and yes,
running away. This went on for some months.

I was luckier than you, because of her age. When she made a serious
effort to run away, I knew where she'd gone, and I went there. She was
at the home of a friend, whose own mother had alcoholism and
considerable other dysfunction. The mother didn't want me to have
anything to do with my child. I convinced the mother to let me into
the house, and my daughter told me, in no kinds of words I'd use here,
that she was not coming with me and I was invited to leave. I remember
looking at my daughter and saying, "OK, fine, I can't make you come
with me. But I'm not leaving without you." Whereupon I crossed my legs
and sat down on the floor where I'd stood. There were nine cats in
that house and I'm severely allergic to cats, but I guess I had a lot
of adrenaline in my system because I sat there for about five hours
before she finally gave up and came. The mother kept trying to get me
to leave and I kept inviting her to call the police and have me
removed. I was very low key and quiet, but I was absolutely immovable.

I barely got away with stunts like that because she was 13, rather
than 16, and even at 13 there was very little recognition by any
authorities that I had some parental rights remaining. On one occasion
when she ran I was told that by 14, runaways are never picked up. Like
you, I had little to no support from any of the systems that are
supposed to help.

Eventually she made a near lethal suicide attempt. I was told that she
might have liver damage, she might have kidney damage, she might have
seizures, and she might die. I only knew she'd done it because the
same friend called her in the middle of the night, and when I refused
to let her answer the phone at that hour the friend told me what she'd
done. Obviously I rushed her to hospital, where she was admitted to
intensive care to have her stomach pumped all night.

During that year, she also kicked in doors, got kicked out of one
school, and had rages far, far too numerous to count. It was only
after disclosure that her healing began. I'm happy to report that now,
at nearly 17, she's doing very well. She's in school, she's got a part
time job, she's got friends and she's a good kid. She continues to
have 'issues', but she's on the right path. She recently spent the
summer in hospital for treatment of an eating disorder, which seems to
be responding well to her active decision to heal on that front as
well. I haven't seen a physical rage in a couple of years now, and
even verbally, her anger is far less extreme and much, much less often
triggered.

OK, this post is already way too long, but I wanted to give you a
sense of why I say what I'm about to say.

You need to know what has triggered your daughter's anger. Unless she
has a long history of acting out, you need to be thinking in terms of
events and catastrophes that may have occurred, however unlikely. I'm
sure you've asked, but sometimes it's very hard to ask when you're
being so thoroughly rejected, and sometimes it's hard to hear the
answer. Sometimes, too, you can't get an answer, or even work in the
question. For that situation, consider writing her a letter. Let her
know that NOTHING she tells you is going to cause rejection, and then
be sure it's true.

Another thing that could be going on, besides some kind of triggering
event, is, of course, mental illness. Some kinds have a pubertal
onset. Think about things like bipolar and learn about them, and see
if she fits any of those profiles. Be careful with something called
'borderline personality' because that one's strongly associated with
trauma, and if you see yourself nodding your head there, you might
need to go back to triggering event.

Another possibility is drugs. But what you need to be doing is
thinking back to the *first* symptoms...because drugs and mental
illness can both follow on the heels of a trauma. So can promiscuity.

I have obvious biases because of my own situation, but I do find
myself wondering if your daughter might have had an experience like
mine did. One reason I'm wondering is that girls who are sexually
assaulted are often (but not always) more vulnerable to subsequent
sexual assaults, and your daughter does seem to have had repeat
events.

OK, finally, and I can't say this strongly enough, ***get support***
for yourself. Your own fear and anger and pain are real and you
deserve support. If you've got an employee plan, use it. If you can
get an agency to give *you* support, grab it. I've not experienced
anything quite like the agony of watching your child self destruct,
and I can tell you that you need and deserve all the help you can get
for your own survival. You'll be no good to her or to your other kids
if you don't have a safe place to vent. Also, talking through her
behaviours with an impartial adult might help to pinpoint what's going
on.

And take heart. They can and do recover. They can and do heal, from
whatever it is that's hurting them. Mine is, yours can. There's always
hope, and sometimes it's all there is. Hang on to that.

If I can be any help, please let me know.

Cele
  #6  
Old September 13th 04, 09:44 PM
Karen O'Mara
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

"Ms Louise Clayton" wrote in message ...
Hi Tiffany
I have tried
Police
magistrates
lifeline
mental health
sexual assault counsellors
school counsellors
psychiatrists
psychologists
social worker
family where she lives
parents of some of the other kids who are in her group
dept community services
family link
friends
hospitals
PCYC
my other kids
Accessline
the church
to name a few
have been trying since the 14th July this year when she ran away
Got any other suggestions?
Any appreciated
Chloe


I don't have a runaway teenager. I remember a girl in high school who
ran away. Actually, I remember two. And, a girl my daughter's age
moved in with her boyfriend (an older guy) at 16.

It seems that these girls are grown up... they've chosen to grow up
fast. And, the parents have run out of options to keep their kids at
home. I think it's futile to try and go back to what could have or
should have been. These kids look at their parents differently now...
like adult to adult. Later, after some time had passed and they tested
the waters again, these kids sought out their parents affection when
they knew their parents accepted the situation and would not try to
change anything.

It sure seems like you've been through the wringer. Perhaps, it's time
to find another approach to resume or begin that relationship with
your daughter. Probably accept her with him as being part of her life.
She may want to dump him then! But, please don't take my advice
because I would hate to see it be the wrong thing. Just an idea if you
haven't thought of it before.

Karen
  #7  
Old September 14th 04, 01:19 AM
Tiffany
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Just to throw something out there.... I ran away when I was 15 for a month
or so. The reason...... to be with a guy. I actually played things pretty
safely and no harm came my way.

T
"Ms Louise Clayton" wrote in message
...
Hi Tiffany
I have tried
Police
magistrates
lifeline
mental health
sexual assault counsellors
school counsellors
psychiatrists
psychologists
social worker
family where she lives
parents of some of the other kids who are in her group
dept community services
family link
friends
hospitals
PCYC
my other kids
Accessline
the church
to name a few
have been trying since the 14th July this year when she ran away
Got any other suggestions?
Any appreciated
Chloe
"Tiffany" wrote in message
...

"Ms Louise Clayton" wrote in message
...
Hi All

I have placed posts here before asking if anyone lives in small

country
towns and have lack of services and support by way of family.
this post is wanting to hear from parents who have runaway teenagers.
my 16 yr old daughter ran away from her loving home some months back

and
I
have been lucky enough to hear about her exploits which now have

become
dangerous, since leaving she has been pregnant lost it, continuing a

abusive
boyfriend relationship, he was the father of the kid. she has just

recently
been gang raped by school mates and undergone a rape from the son of

the
family she chose to run away too.
wants nothing to do with me and this of course is very difficult.
would be interested to hear from other parents with a similar

situation
and
how they coped other than ringing everyone under the sun and being

told
she
is 16 yrs old and can do as she pleases.
I have exhausted all the avenues I can think of so maybe with a few

more
parents with thinking caps on they might come up with a way to at

least
get
some measures put in place that will keep her safer from anything more
happening to her
Thanks
Chloe



What avenues have you exhausted?

T






  #8  
Old September 14th 04, 02:56 PM
Tiffany
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default


"Ms Louise Clayton" wrote in message
...
Hi All

thanks Tiffany, Paul and Cele.

Cele especially that was a response I needed. someone who has been thru it
even thou yours was more horrific a rape than I can assume my daughters

was.
Not degrading my daughters one of course.
You ask the reason why she left the loving home and I have racked my

brains
and the only thing apart from the boyfriend who as I think I said is

Asian
and Middle eastern mixture.


Is this important, to mention he is Asian?

snipped

Aside from that, all I can really say is that this is some very serious
stuff. Obviously your child have been raised surrounding some very serious
issues. How old is your daughter again? It doesn't sound like the core of
her running away is to be with the boyfriend, she could stay home and be
with him. Maybe she is trying to find a more normal life elsewhere. It seems
to me to much damage is already been done. Everyone needs to see therapists
immediately. If all your attempts to get her back home have failed, maybe
you should give her some space. Tell her you love her and will always be
waiting for her to come back home. Then wait. While waiting, see therapists.
We all wish we can prevent our children from making mistakes, but we can't.
The child has already suffered more then most do in a lifetime. I would run
away too.

T


 




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