best friend vent

First I have to say that it is really great to be able to read this
newsgroup where women want to take an active part in pregnancy and
childbirth decisions.

I am almost 3 months along and my best friend was the 1st person I told
about my pregancy. She of course was thrilled for me, but I am finding
that her support stops there. I thought it would be great to be able to
share my pregnancy with my longtime friend who herself recently had her
first child, but I have found that she has been judgemental and negative
about almost every subject I have brought up. For eg, when I mentioned
that I have always wanted to breast feed, she started going on about how
it takes too much time, and no one can do feedings for you, and the
baby's poop was more messy. I was floored, I have never ever in my life
heard someone be negative about another person's decision to breastfeed.
I am really regretting things that I have brought up in passing that she
took the opportunity to be negative about (natural childbirth, deciding
not to circumcise for eg). After trying in vain to educate her about
certain things, I just gave up and decided not to talk to her about the
pregnancy at all. I am kicking myself for mentioning these topics to
her, but I really had no idea how she would react.

Has anyone else had a similar experience with someone who is close to
them?

-kim (just needed to vent!!!)

People in general were negative about my decision to breastfeed, especially
when we had a rough start. My MIL was the worse, although I know she isn't
exactly a friend. Everybody who heard me say that I wouldn't have drugs
during labour also had something to say about it!

I am still breastfeeding my 3 month old and I have to say that it takes much
less time then bottle feeding! With a bottle you have to prepare the
formula, sterilize the bottles, etc, etc... I pump breast milk so that DH
or a grandparent can feed her if I do go out for a while! It is true that
breastfed poops are messy!

Perhaps your friend just wants your baby and all your pregnancy decisions to
be the same as hers. Maybe she has some kind of regret about a decision she
made about natural childbirth or breastfeeding and you making the "right"
decision just sort of throws it in her face? It really is too bad she
doesn't share your enthusiam for these things, every mom and babe are
different when it comes to these things.

Hopefully when the baby is born she will be a better person towards you and
your baby.

KR

"Kim" wrote in message
a.net...
First I have to say that it is really great to be able to read this
newsgroup where women want to take an active part in pregnancy and
childbirth decisions.

I am almost 3 months along and my best friend was the 1st person I told
about my pregancy. She of course was thrilled for me, but I am finding
that her support stops there. I thought it would be great to be able to
share my pregnancy with my longtime friend who herself recently had her
first child, but I have found that she has been judgemental and negative
about almost every subject I have brought up. For eg, when I mentioned
that I have always wanted to breast feed, she started going on about how
it takes too much time, and no one can do feedings for you, and the
baby's poop was more messy. I was floored, I have never ever in my life
heard someone be negative about another person's decision to breastfeed.
I am really regretting things that I have brought up in passing that she
took the opportunity to be negative about (natural childbirth, deciding
not to circumcise for eg). After trying in vain to educate her about
certain things, I just gave up and decided not to talk to her about the
pregnancy at all. I am kicking myself for mentioning these topics to
her, but I really had no idea how she would react.

Has anyone else had a similar experience with someone who is close to
them?

-kim (just needed to vent!!!)

"Kim" wrote in message
a.net...
First I have to say that it is really great to be able to read this
newsgroup where women want to take an active part in pregnancy and
childbirth decisions.

I am almost 3 months along and my best friend was the 1st person I told
about my pregancy. She of course was thrilled for me, but I am finding
that her support stops there. I thought it would be great to be able to
share my pregnancy with my longtime friend who herself recently had her
first child, but I have found that she has been judgemental and negative
about almost every subject I have brought up. For eg, when I mentioned
that I have always wanted to breast feed, she started going on about how
it takes too much time, and no one can do feedings for you, and the
baby's poop was more messy. I was floored, I have never ever in my life
heard someone be negative about another person's decision to breastfeed.
I am really regretting things that I have brought up in passing that she
took the opportunity to be negative about (natural childbirth, deciding
not to circumcise for eg). After trying in vain to educate her about
certain things, I just gave up and decided not to talk to her about the
pregnancy at all. I am kicking myself for mentioning these topics to
her, but I really had no idea how she would react.

Has anyone else had a similar experience with someone who is close to
them?

-kim (just needed to vent!!!)

My mom didn't believe that I could go unmedicated with my DD and even asked
my DH if I had caved yet while I was in labor! I was furious when DH
finally told me quite a bit later. My MIL was confused when DH told her we
were going to breastfeed, she asked why we would do that since we would have
to supplement for nutrients anyway . But DH's family has a lot issues
believing anything outside their comfort level, it has taken over 2 years to
finally get them from smoking around us (with a 2 year old and me pregnant,
it didn't matter). I just think you learn what to discuss with them and
what to just bite your tongue with. Do what is write for you and your baby,
sounds like you are actually educating yourself, which a lot better than
voluntary ignorance.
Kat
mama to Maggie 11/03/01
and #2 EDD 02/01/04

Kim wrote:

After trying in vain to educate her about
certain things, I just gave up and decided not to talk to her about
the pregnancy at all. I am kicking myself for mentioning these
topics to her, but I really had no idea how she would react.

Her choices are different then yours. Perhaps if you took a different
approach she'd react with less negativity. Instead of trying to educate
her just let her know your decision if it feels right, and leave it at that.
I, personally, would not want to be educated about how every decision I
recently made was incorrect. I'd either feel like a) I'm a bad mother or b)
I'm OK with what I did but my friend thinks I'm a bad mother or c) I'm OK
with what I did and I've no interest in being converted.

The first year of motherhood is a passionate one. If this is a long
standing friendship it would be unfortunate if you can't find a way around
this. The issues surrounding childbirth and those decisions one makes in
the first year are short lived. You may find you have tons in common
regarding older kids and still enjoy one anothers company. On the flip side,
sometimes people just drift apart when there are to many long standing
differences and that is natural and OK as well. It is also hard to enjoy
someone's company if there are to many difference in how you raise kids.


--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (4) and Luke (2)

Kim wrote in message ia.net...

not to circumcise for eg). After trying in vain to educate her about
certain things, I just gave up and decided not to talk to her about the
pregnancy at all. I am kicking myself for mentioning these topics to
her, but I really had no idea how she would react.

Has anyone else had a similar experience with someone who is close to
them?

Not really. But, that said, I've found that people who have made
different decisions than you tend to take your decisions as a
criticism.

For example, if we co-sleep, crib-sleepers tend to think we are
critical by making a different choice, assuming that we think the crib
thinkers are bad for doing the crib thing.

It's a shame that you and your friend are at such odds (how did she
manage to become your best friend?). The only advice I can think of,
is to figure out how to talk about your decisions without her taking
it as criticism of her decisions. I'm NOT saying that you DID made it
seem that way. But sometimes friends and family require special
handling, and this might be one of those circumstances - she might
have taken it that way, even if most other people wouldn't.

Good luck.

Cathy Weeks
Mommy to Kivi Alexis 12/01

"Kim" wrote in message
a.net...
First I have to say that it is really great to be able to read this
newsgroup where women want to take an active part in pregnancy and
childbirth decisions.

I am almost 3 months along and my best friend was the 1st person I told
about my pregancy. She of course was thrilled for me, but I am finding
that her support stops there. I thought it would be great to be able to
share my pregnancy with my longtime friend who herself recently had her
first child, but I have found that she has been judgemental and negative
about almost every subject I have brought up. For eg, when I mentioned
that I have always wanted to breast feed, she started going on about how
it takes too much time, and no one can do feedings for you, and the
baby's poop was more messy. I was floored, I have never ever in my life
heard someone be negative about another person's decision to breastfeed.
I am really regretting things that I have brought up in passing that she
took the opportunity to be negative about (natural childbirth, deciding
not to circumcise for eg). After trying in vain to educate her about
certain things, I just gave up and decided not to talk to her about the
pregnancy at all. I am kicking myself for mentioning these topics to
her, but I really had no idea how she would react.

Has anyone else had a similar experience with someone who is close to
them?

-kim (just needed to vent!!!)

When I first got pregnant, my DH told some of his friends that I was
planning to use cloth diapers. They laughed at him and said that we wouldn't
last a week. I was mad because they didn't know or care why or how I want to
do it and they were rude. They just dismissed it right off the bat.

My step-mom had told me many years ago how her sister got saggy breasts from
BF'ing all her 4 kids and how glad she never BF'd her one child. I was
curious to see how she would respond when I announced my decision. My dad
was very supportive. She made this shuddering motion and said she could
never do it, even after I listed all the benefits. That's fine and it was
her choice to make as I told her, but .... when we were shopping for baby
stuff, she tried to push me to buy bottles and pacifiers "just in case."
Boy, did she go on and on about the pacifiers and how the baby was going to
need them, no matter what. Never mind my educating her why they can't be
used at first. And what about letting me make my own decision? lol

While discussing childbirth in general, my DH told his secretary (she is 21)
that I am not planning on pain relief at all for when I give birth. (We all
work together.) She had a complete look of disbelief and shock on her face
but didn't say anything else. I know she didn't mean anything by it. She is
young and was raised in this society and has GF's who had non-natural
childbirth. She just didn't know anyone who did it differently.

That's what happens when you live in this society to which convenience and
instant gratification and body sexualization is second nature and anything
else is suspect.

At least, you can choose elsewhere who to talk to like here.

Thanks for the vent, too.

---
EDD: 2/16/04 Baby girl
Age 39 First baby

"Cathy Weeks" wrote in message
om...
But, that said, I've found that people who have made
different decisions than you tend to take your decisions as a
criticism.

That's *so* true. My sister, with whom I have a wonderfully close
relationship, is basically kind of appalled at the decisions I've made.
I love her to death, and when she insists that when she has her baby it will
be an unmedicated birth ("because pain is natural, and sometimes a good
thing"), for example, I just smile encouragingly. Is she being critical of
me? Probably. Certainly she doesn't understand why I'm not interested in a
VBAC, or why I wasn't disappointed that I had a C-section with my daughter.
But you know what? Who cares. When she has a baby, she'll have a million
decisions to make for herself, a million ways she can do things differently
than me, and that's perfectly fine. shrugs Why get bent out of shape
over it?

For example, if we co-sleep, crib-sleepers tend to think we are
critical by making a different choice, assuming that we think the crib
thinkers are bad for doing the crib thing.

That's what I'm finding. I'm lucky enough to be able to work part time, and
be home part time. My darling sister isn't going to have that luxury, it
looks like. And I definitely detect a certain defensiveness when the topic
comes up -- I sense that she thinks I disapprove. Which is nuts. Whatever
works best for her life, is what is best for her life. Making a different
choice doesn't necessarily mean disapproval.


But sometimes friends and family require special
handling, and this might be one of those circumstances - she might
have taken it that way, even if most other people wouldn't.

Excellent point.

Donna

"Nikki" wrote in message
...
Kim wrote:

After trying in vain to educate her about
certain things, I just gave up and decided not to talk to her about
the pregnancy at all. I am kicking myself for mentioning these
topics to her, but I really had no idea how she would react.

Her choices are different then yours. Perhaps if you took a different
approach she'd react with less negativity. Instead of trying to educate
her just let her know your decision if it feels right, and leave it at
that.
I, personally, would not want to be educated about how every decision I
recently made was incorrect. I'd either feel like a) I'm a bad mother or
b)
I'm OK with what I did but my friend thinks I'm a bad mother or c) I'm OK
with what I did and I've no interest in being converted.

(snip)

I am not the OP, but I disagree. I think it's more about people feeling
threatened by or rejecting what's "new" to them without giving it some
intelligent thought, respecting people's different choices, and then letting
it go . DH and I don't say that they should follow suit and their way is
wrong. We do respect other people's choices and aren't trying to convert
them. We aren't just being negative about it like this OP's friend.

For example, my DH had said that we are planning on CD, but he did not say
that "everyone" should do it, too and CD is the best thing there is. In
fact, DH was reluctant about CD at first. They just laughed and dismissed
it, and that was rude.

I should have clarified earlier that it was my step-mom who actually asked
me how the baby would be fed (duh, placenta brain here). I was not going to
bring it up then, knowing her feelings on this subject, but I thought she
would be more open-minded. But after we had discussed it, she shuddered and
said she could never do it. That wasn't my intention to "upset" her. After
all, she did ask. I did acknowledge that it was her choice to make. I guess
she felt threatened because I am not following in her footsteps. Why else
would she try to get me buy bottles and pacifiers?

I guess this is the tip of the iceberg in raising my child for years to
come. I will hear more from family and friends and strangers on how to raise
her. Fun, fun. :-)

---
EDD: 2/16/04 Baby girl
Age 39 First baby

Kim wrote in message
a.net...
First I have to say that it is really great to be able to read this
newsgroup where women want to take an active part in pregnancy and
childbirth decisions.

I am almost 3 months along and my best friend was the 1st person I told
about my pregancy. She of course was thrilled for me, but I am finding
that her support stops there. I thought it would be great to be able to
share my pregnancy with my longtime friend who herself recently had her
first child, but I have found that she has been judgemental and negative
about almost every subject I have brought up. For eg, when I mentioned
that I have always wanted to breast feed, she started going on about how
it takes too much time, and no one can do feedings for you, and the
baby's poop was more messy.
That's rubbish. Nappies are much yuckier, and smellier for bottle fed
babies. I wonder where she got that info. from.
It also takes much less time, and is easier. Think of the time washing,
sterilizing the bottles, plus making up the feed and warming it to the right
temperature (probably while baby yells because they're hungry) I did it
while I nannied, and I can tell you it is much harder to bottlefeed. It's no
quicker to feed either with most babies. Dd#2 feeds in 10 minutes. The child
I nannied could take anything from 5-60 minutes to take an 8 oz bottle.
My mil bottle fed her first children, and breastfed the last. She said that
if she'd realised how much easier it was to breastfeed she'd have done them
all. She's not particularly a baby person either.

I was floored, I have never ever in my life
heard someone be negative about another person's decision to breastfeed.
I am really regretting things that I have brought up in passing that she
took the opportunity to be negative about (natural childbirth, deciding
not to circumcise for eg). After trying in vain to educate her about
certain things, I just gave up and decided not to talk to her about the
pregnancy at all. I am kicking myself for mentioning these topics to
her, but I really had no idea how she would react.

My suspicion is that she's actually jealous. I suspect she wanted to
breastfeed (for example) and didn't manage it for some reason. She's now
trying to justify her decisions, and trying to get you to agree with her.
Maybe she sort of doesn't want you to suceed as it'll make her feel a
failure. I have noticed that some women who try breastfeeding/natural birth
etc. and don't manage it seem to then feel they've got to justify their
dicision by telling everyone that it was the best for them and baby and it's
what they really wanted.
Either avoid the topics or just agree to disagree, because if she's feeling
bad about things it'll rub it in and make it worse and then there's no use
discussing it.
HTH
Debbie

On Wed, 21 Jan 2004 11:08:26 GMT, Kim wrote:

Has anyone else had a similar experience with someone who is close to
them?

We have close a few times with friends who have a little one close to
DDs age (2 weeks difference). Aside from starting off breastfeeding we
have done everything else complete opposites (They use disp., we CD,
they CIO, we don't, etc). In the early days there were a few tense
times when they tried to tell us the way they where doing it was best,
now however it is fine.

We would either nod and then say "We are doing what is best for us" or
not say anything. When they comment on the price of formula (they
force weaned at 10 months) or nappies, we just smile and say nothing
(it is much easier).

It is possible that your friend is feeling tired, stressed and
overwhemed at the moment and your comments are pointing out options
she doesn't want to think about. You don't say how old her little one
is but you might want to find out how she is going (if there are other
telling her she should be doing x, y and z). Make sure she knows that
you aren't passing comment on how she has chosen to parent because you
are doing things differently.

Di