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Doula Dilemma



 
 
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  #1  
Old January 9th 09, 03:39 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
Kat
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 177
Default Doula Dilemma

So... I waited until last second to realize that I'm running out of time.
Seeing as I'm still a happily single mom, and due in a month, I just wasn't
really thinking too much about the future.
I have decided that I'm fairly confident that I do NOT want N around at all,
especially in the hospital. At this point in time, and I'm positive in the
future, I do not want him in the hospital when the time comes, nor do I want
him as some unexpected visitor. That's his too bad, so sad.
My plan is that my mom will take the kids. She's really my only real and
guaranteed option. I've decided that although friends have all offered to
help with whatever, I do not want to rely on a friend. Especially since
babies CAN come at the most inconvenient times, I just don't feel
comfortable relying on a friend.
I then got thinking that with my mom taking all the kids, I really don't
want to sit in the hospital all by myself. And again, I really don't want
to rely only on a friend... Friends, I've found, can be a little MIA in a
pinch, and I don't want to risk that.

So... I looked into a doula for some kind of support/coach type thing... And
so I'm not sitting around like some pathetic loser by myself in the hospital
to have a baby all by myself... I looked into doulas and originally found
they're far too expensive for me to manage. They seem to average around
$500 or so, give or take, and coming up with that kind of money for one or
two days is not something I could do, even if I wanted to. I ended up
finding some contacts for volunteer doulas. The ones I found are all free.
Some are either in training and volunteer for births for their training,
some are already certified and volunteer for very low income single mothers
or couples with very low income. I, fortunately, fall into the category for
the income and single mom part, and I don't really mind if a doula is
certified or if they're still in training.

I've come into a problem though. I've always been so indecisive, it seems,
and this is one thing N has always told me right from the start. For a
number of things, I can't seem to make up my mind and come up with a
decision... I ended up emailing all the doulas that volunteer from the list
that I was given from a local doula association. I did that a couple nights
ago and I had a number of replies. I think there was maybe 5-6 of the
volunteer ones, and all said they would be more than happy to assist me, and
only one said she was not able, but she passed on my name and all that to a
friend of hers, and this friend called me yesterday.
I also had another lady call me today. And I still need to go through my
emails and all that as I've been fairly busy the last couple days
(especially with DD1's dental surgery and all that)

Now here's my big problem... How do you decide on a doula? They're all free
of charge, running on a volunteer basis. 2 of them said they would be more
than happy, but one has another client due Feb 3, IIRC, and said if I picked
her, it might be a good idea to have a backup, and another one has a client
due Feb 13, but she has her own backup if needed. The lady that called me
today said she has no other clients due around my EDD, which is Feb 7.
I'm finding that I'm getting fairly nervous about all of this and making
decisions. Something so simple, yet it isn't for me. How do you decide on
one? Do you hold "interviews" and pick which one you like best out of them
all? Eenie, meenie, miney, mo? How do you turn down offers?
All I'm really concerned about is NOT being left all alone, someone that is
supportive of breastfeeding (which they all seem to be anyways), one that
and just be there to offer support and advice, and even translate any
possible medical or technical terms into simple English. I'm also kind of
feeling that I might be more comfortable with a doula that is a bit younger
and closer to my age. The one I talked to (with a current client due days
before me) sounds very young. She has young children - I think 3 that are
between about 11 months and 4 years) and the other lady I talked to sounds a
lot older... She has 5 grandchildren between 10 and 15 years old but she's
available and has no clients due any time around me.
Another sorta issue is that I know for a fact that my OB is not very
doula-friendly. I recently found out that my OB had a bad experience once
involving a doula, and now her (my OB) opinion is basically, "Do you want a
doctor or do you want a doula?" Quite frankly, it comes down to I do not
want to sit alone in the hospital LOL
Again, I just keep thinking about how to pick one... and keep track of all
of the replies and phone calls I get and make. Trying to remember who is
who and all that. I also kind of feel bad if someone comes over here to
meet with me before I actually pick just one (I realize I can't have 20485
doulas just because they offer and say they're available LOL) for an
interview and to get to know her and talk and then not use her. Like the
time and effort wasting, and I almost feel like I'd be a jerk for not
picking them because they've put in effort and then what? I don't like them
or something??

I know this is rediculous and very stupid, but I'm having some real problems
with it. I also do feel that I should get back to people within the next
couple days at the most and not leave them hanging and hanging... and not
get back to anyone but then make a last second phone call to hope someone
can maybe come last second without even meeting them??

So does anyone have any advice? I see this is just stupid, but it's just
one of those things that I don't think I've ever been real good at and seem
to be having some issues with. I'm also running out of time!


  #2  
Old January 9th 09, 03:55 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
MarieD[_2_]
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 86
Default Doula Dilemma

"Kat" wrote in message ...
So does anyone have any advice? I see this is just stupid, but it's just
one of those things that I don't think I've ever been real good at and
seem to be having some issues with. I'm also running out of time!


I wouldn't want to be alone, either. Do you think your mom may have a friend
who would keep your kids, so that your mom could be with you? I really need
my mom when I'm having babies. I don't know what your relationship is with
yours and whether it would work out if she were with you.
I plan to become a doula over the next few years(both paid and volunteer),
and I wouldn't mind being interviewed over the phone. Maybe you can talk to
them more over the phone and keep a list of which ones you like, ones who
really stick out. I would think doulas understand that you have to spend
time deciding who you want to be with you during labor. And just because
they are volunteer doesn't mean you need to feel any kind of obligation. I
would take a non-paying mom as seriously as I would a paying one.
Marie

  #3  
Old January 9th 09, 04:00 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
Ericka
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 64
Default Doula Dilemma

Kat wrote:

Now here's my big problem... How do you decide on a doula? They're all free
of charge, running on a volunteer basis. 2 of them said they would be more
than happy, but one has another client due Feb 3, IIRC, and said if I picked
her, it might be a good idea to have a backup, and another one has a client
due Feb 13, but she has her own backup if needed. The lady that called me
today said she has no other clients due around my EDD, which is Feb 7.
I'm finding that I'm getting fairly nervous about all of this and making
decisions. Something so simple, yet it isn't for me. How do you decide on
one? Do you hold "interviews" and pick which one you like best out of them
all? Eenie, meenie, miney, mo? How do you turn down offers?


Yes, you interview them. If you can do it in person,
that's great, but you should at least have a phone conversation
with them. Hers is a voice you'll be hearing a lot of while
you're at a rather vulnerable time. Is she someone you feel
comfortable with? Someone you'd find soothing? What kinds
of things does she typically do during labor? What do you
typically like in the way of support during labor, and is that
something she's comfortable with? What kind of birth do you
want, and how can she help you achieve that? Is she familiar
with the place you'd be delivering or your OB/midwife/FP?
Where will she likely be traveling from, and is she likely
to be delayed by traffic or distance? I think it is important
to find a doula who shares your ideas about what sort of birth
you want. Some feel very strongly about low intervention
birth and may not be at their best if you want more intervention
than they're comfortable with. Some may be more interventionist
than you are. A true professional should provide excellent care
regardless, but most doulas are at their best when supporting
someone whose philosophy is similar to theirs.

All I'm really concerned about is NOT being left all alone, someone that is
supportive of breastfeeding (which they all seem to be anyways), one that
and just be there to offer support and advice, and even translate any
possible medical or technical terms into simple English. I'm also kind of
feeling that I might be more comfortable with a doula that is a bit younger
and closer to my age. The one I talked to (with a current client due days
before me) sounds very young. She has young children - I think 3 that are
between about 11 months and 4 years)


For her I'd really want to know that she has a reliable
plan for childcare so that she can drop everything and run on
short notice and that she has a backup in case you go into labor
while she's with her other client.

and the other lady I talked to sounds a
lot older... She has 5 grandchildren between 10 and 15 years old but she's
available and has no clients due any time around me.


Age may be an issue, or you might talk to her for a
bit and find that she's very soothing to have around. That
one will just have to be your judgment call.

Another sorta issue is that I know for a fact that my OB is not very
doula-friendly. I recently found out that my OB had a bad experience once
involving a doula, and now her (my OB) opinion is basically, "Do you want a
doctor or do you want a doula?" Quite frankly, it comes down to I do not
want to sit alone in the hospital LOL


Then you will want to place a priority on a doula who
can deal well with your OB so that you're not dealing an OB
with a chip on her shoulder. I'd have a conversation in
advance and tell her that since you don't have any other support,
you are hiring a doula and expect that neither you nor the doula
will get any grief about that.

Again, I just keep thinking about how to pick one... and keep track of all
of the replies and phone calls I get and make. Trying to remember who is
who and all that.


Take notes ;-)

I also kind of feel bad if someone comes over here to
meet with me before I actually pick just one (I realize I can't have 20485
doulas just because they offer and say they're available LOL) for an
interview and to get to know her and talk and then not use her. Like the
time and effort wasting, and I almost feel like I'd be a jerk for not
picking them because they've put in effort and then what? I don't like them
or something??


All doulas should understand that choosing a doula
is very personal. They should expect to be "auditioned"
and they should expect that there will be some potential
clients with whom they just won't click. And believe me,
if you two don't click, they'll be relieved that you don't
hire them. If they're heartbroken at not getting a particular
job, doula-hood is probably not for them ;-)

I know this is rediculous and very stupid, but I'm having some real problems
with it. I also do feel that I should get back to people within the next
couple days at the most and not leave them hanging and hanging... and not
get back to anyone but then make a last second phone call to hope someone
can maybe come last second without even meeting them??


You should arrange a conversation very soon and make
a decision fairly quickly, given how close you are to delivering.
If you want to whittle down the number of conversations you need
to have, trim the list by asking a few things like whether
they're available around your due date, have a backup if they're
not available, live near enough to make it to you in reasonable
time, etc. If you have any history of precipitate labor, you
might want someone who will come to your home and take you to
the hospital and who has training in what to do if the baby
arrives before you get to the hospital.

Good luck!
Ericka
  #4  
Old January 9th 09, 04:33 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
Kat
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 177
Default Doula Dilemma


"MarieD" wrote in message ...
"Kat" wrote in message ...
So does anyone have any advice? I see this is just stupid, but it's just
one of those things that I don't think I've ever been real good at and
seem to be having some issues with. I'm also running out of time!


I wouldn't want to be alone, either. Do you think your mom may have a
friend who would keep your kids, so that your mom could be with you? I
really need my mom when I'm having babies. I don't know what your
relationship is with yours and whether it would work out if she were with
you.


No, not really. My mom doesn't really have anyone she could leave the kids
with (and have me still be comfortable), nor do I have anyone I could leave
them with and be comfortable. I'm banking on if all goes well (and I'm not
in need of another emergency c-section) it will be at least a day and 1 over
night thing. DS has school as well, so it's possible that my mom would stay
here so DS can still catch the school bus. I don't feel he should miss
school over this if he doesn't have to. 3 younger children is a fair bit
for my mom, I know, and her friends are in similar situations as far as
their ages are, some have no children at all, others have grown children but
none seem to have grandchildren - yet. I think that might be a very
unreasonable request to ask someone else to deal with someone else's young
children.
My relationship with my mom is fine, although there are times we are at
eachother's throats, almost with knives lol I don't really want or need that
extra stress, and she probably doesn't either. Which is why I think I'd
rather my mom take the kids. DD2 is also very VERY clingy and needy -
still - and doesn't really take too well to strangers. If I leave her with
even my parents or a friend that she knows, I usually have to sneak out or
it takes forever because she's so clingy.

I plan to become a doula over the next few years(both paid and volunteer),
and I wouldn't mind being interviewed over the phone. Maybe you can talk
to them more over the phone and keep a list of which ones you like, ones
who really stick out. I would think doulas understand that you have to
spend time deciding who you want to be with you during labor. And just
because they are volunteer doesn't mean you need to feel any kind of
obligation. I would take a non-paying mom as seriously as I would a paying
one.
Marie


Well, that is nice to know... I know often, it seems, anyways, that those
who don't have the cash in hand or the bank often can feel like they get
pushed aside. It almost feels like if you don't have as much to contribute
to the hat, then you're not worth taking as much time with or putting as
much effort in.. Or sometimes it's if you are paying, you're worth more
money than if you're not paying. If that makes sense?
One thing I have kind of noticed a little, with this doula stuff, is that
they tend to be fairly understanding and compassionate. I think for
something like this you kind of have to be, and I like to think that if you
weren't willing to offer free services, then you wouldn't do it. I'm
hoping, anyways. I hadn't really wanted or needed a doula or anything like
that - it was just N with me and we were together when DD2 was born (and my
mom was there when DD1 was born along with both of us) and when it was just
us, it was fine, but just me seems a little scary, almost, and might set me
up for a horrible, horrible experience. Also having N there, I know, would
pretty much guarantee me a horrible experience and if given the choice
between being alone or with N there, I think I'd rather be alone. But I
don't want to be alone, obviously.
I really should get back to them as soon as possible, though. I don't think
anyone wants to just kind of sit around hanging on for an answer one way or
another, I just don't want to feel like turning someone down is kind of I
don't know... not appreciating the offer or something?


  #5  
Old January 9th 09, 05:08 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
Anne Rogers
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 1,497
Default Doula Dilemma

I think if I were you I'd pick a question to ask them and see what you
get - in your situation, I might say to them "My OB wants to schedule a
c-section if I go past 40 weeks, would you be able to come to an
appointment with me and support me in standing up to her". Fingers
crossed you'll have had your baby by then, but if you haven't, it might
be one of the key things that helps you get what you want.

Cheers
Anne
  #6  
Old January 9th 09, 05:10 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
Anne Rogers
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 1,497
Default Doula Dilemma


No, not really. My mom doesn't really have anyone she could leave the kids
with (and have me still be comfortable), nor do I have anyone I could leave
them with and be comfortable. I'm banking on if all goes well (and I'm not
in need of another emergency c-section) it will be at least a day and 1 over
night thing. DS has school as well, so it's possible that my mom would stay
here so DS can still catch the school bus. I don't feel he should miss
school over this if he doesn't have to.


Bear in mind that some children can feel like they are being sent away
if they are still sent to school as normal on such an important day,
particularly if you might arrive home whilst he's at school. He might be
fine, but it's something to watch for.

Cheers
Anne
  #7  
Old January 9th 09, 05:12 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
MarieD[_2_]
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 86
Default Doula Dilemma

"Kat" wrote in message
...
Well, that is nice to know... I know often, it seems, anyways, that those
who don't have the cash in hand or the bank often can feel like they get
pushed aside. It almost feels like if you don't have as much to
contribute to the hat, then you're not worth taking as much time with or
putting as much effort in.. Or sometimes it's if you are paying, you're
worth more money than if you're not paying. If that makes sense?


Yes, it makes sense. I was a welfare recipient many years ago and I
definately felt less deserving. Try not to feel that way in this situation!

One thing I have kind of noticed a little, with this doula stuff, is that
they tend to be fairly understanding and compassionate. I think for
something like this you kind of have to be, and I like to think that if
you weren't willing to offer free services, then you wouldn't do it. I'm
hoping, anyways.


I think you are correct. Ericka had great things to say on this, also. There
are women who truely love being there for a laboring mom. I have been at
three births(two were my brother's children and one was a cousin's
girlfriend) and all I can say without writing a book is that it was awesome.

I really should get back to them as soon as possible, though. I don't
think anyone wants to just kind of sit around hanging on for an answer one
way or another, I just don't want to feel like turning someone down is
kind of I don't know... not appreciating the offer or something?


They may not be waiting to hear from you, though, so you may be worrying
about this for nothing. And also I can understand why you feel the way you
do about turning them down, but again I think that ties into your feelings
about not paying. And seriously I do not think you should worry about that.
If you lived near enough to me I would offer to stay with you, my kids are
old enough to be left at home. (one of the things that will be exciting as a
doula is the last-minute trips to the births, I thrive on things like that
My own mother had me in the hospital with no family or friends with her,
and thinking about that makes me sad. Her mother was angry at her being
pregnant so young and the fathers weren't allowed in the delivery rooms at
the time.
Marie

  #8  
Old January 9th 09, 05:14 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
Anne Rogers
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 1,497
Default Doula Dilemma


Another sorta issue is that I know for a fact that my OB is not very
doula-friendly. I recently found out that my OB had a bad experience
once involving a doula, and now her (my OB) opinion is basically, "Do
you want a doctor or do you want a doula?" Quite frankly, it comes
down to I do not want to sit alone in the hospital LOL


In which case, perhaps what you are looking for is someone who could
plausibly pass for a friend, sounds like your doctor doesn't have a
great opinion of doulas. Which makes me think of another question you
could ask them, how do they feel about being called "a friend" or "my
birth partner". Sounds like you mostly just want someone to be there and
you're less concerned about whether that helps you avoid anything or not.

Cheers
Anne
  #9  
Old January 9th 09, 05:15 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
Kat
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 177
Default Doula Dilemma


"Ericka" wrote in message
...
Kat wrote:

Now here's my big problem... How do you decide on a doula? They're all
free of charge, running on a volunteer basis. 2 of them said they would
be more than happy, but one has another client due Feb 3, IIRC, and said
if I picked her, it might be a good idea to have a backup, and another
one has a client due Feb 13, but she has her own backup if needed. The
lady that called me today said she has no other clients due around my
EDD, which is Feb 7.
I'm finding that I'm getting fairly nervous about all of this and making
decisions. Something so simple, yet it isn't for me. How do you decide
on one? Do you hold "interviews" and pick which one you like best out of
them all? Eenie, meenie, miney, mo? How do you turn down offers?


Yes, you interview them. If you can do it in person,
that's great, but you should at least have a phone conversation
with them. Hers is a voice you'll be hearing a lot of while
you're at a rather vulnerable time. Is she someone you feel
comfortable with? Someone you'd find soothing? What kinds
of things does she typically do during labor? What do you
typically like in the way of support during labor, and is that
something she's comfortable with? What kind of birth do you
want, and how can she help you achieve that? Is she familiar
with the place you'd be delivering or your OB/midwife/FP?
Where will she likely be traveling from, and is she likely
to be delayed by traffic or distance? I think it is important
to find a doula who shares your ideas about what sort of birth
you want. Some feel very strongly about low intervention
birth and may not be at their best if you want more intervention
than they're comfortable with. Some may be more interventionist
than you are. A true professional should provide excellent care
regardless, but most doulas are at their best when supporting
someone whose philosophy is similar to theirs.


That all makes a lot of sense. A lot of common sense, actually!

All I'm really concerned about is NOT being left all alone, someone that
is supportive of breastfeeding (which they all seem to be anyways), one
that and just be there to offer support and advice, and even translate
any possible medical or technical terms into simple English. I'm also
kind of feeling that I might be more comfortable with a doula that is a
bit younger and closer to my age. The one I talked to (with a current
client due days before me) sounds very young. She has young children - I
think 3 that are between about 11 months and 4 years)


For her I'd really want to know that she has a reliable
plan for childcare so that she can drop everything and run on
short notice and that she has a backup in case you go into labor
while she's with her other client.

and the other lady I talked to sounds a lot older... She has 5
grandchildren between 10 and 15 years old but she's available and has no
clients due any time around me.


Age may be an issue, or you might talk to her for a
bit and find that she's very soothing to have around. That
one will just have to be your judgment call.

Another sorta issue is that I know for a fact that my OB is not very
doula-friendly. I recently found out that my OB had a bad experience
once involving a doula, and now her (my OB) opinion is basically, "Do you
want a doctor or do you want a doula?" Quite frankly, it comes down to I
do not want to sit alone in the hospital LOL


Then you will want to place a priority on a doula who
can deal well with your OB so that you're not dealing an OB
with a chip on her shoulder. I'd have a conversation in
advance and tell her that since you don't have any other support,
you are hiring a doula and expect that neither you nor the doula
will get any grief about that.


I've made a note in my book for my next appointment to do just that. I've
also been letting those I've had contact with know about my OB, and have
said that I am going to let my doctor know the situation and all that. I
didn't really think of doing this until you said it, though.

Again, I just keep thinking about how to pick one... and keep track of
all of the replies and phone calls I get and make. Trying to remember
who is who and all that.


Take notes ;-)


Ha. That's very easily said, it seems! I grabbed a sheet of paper and
tried taking notes just now based on call history on the phone, hoping I
have the right people with the right number and trying to remember the
convos of what's going on. I don't want to look like a total idiot calling
someone that I've already talked to and sounding like a very unorganized
fool going through things that we've already gone through. I seem to have
NO organizational skills lately, and my memory seems to be on vacation. As
I'm replying to emails, I've also said that I have some issues with
remembering who I've talked to, emailed, what I've asked, etc.

I also kind of feel bad if someone comes over here to meet with me before
I actually pick just one (I realize I can't have 20485 doulas just
because they offer and say they're available LOL) for an interview and to
get to know her and talk and then not use her. Like the time and effort
wasting, and I almost feel like I'd be a jerk for not picking them
because they've put in effort and then what? I don't like them or
something??


All doulas should understand that choosing a doula
is very personal. They should expect to be "auditioned"
and they should expect that there will be some potential
clients with whom they just won't click. And believe me,
if you two don't click, they'll be relieved that you don't
hire them. If they're heartbroken at not getting a particular
job, doula-hood is probably not for them ;-)


LOL doula-hood is great.

I know this is rediculous and very stupid, but I'm having some real
problems with it. I also do feel that I should get back to people within
the next couple days at the most and not leave them hanging and
hanging... and not get back to anyone but then make a last second phone
call to hope someone can maybe come last second without even meeting
them??


You should arrange a conversation very soon and make
a decision fairly quickly, given how close you are to delivering.
If you want to whittle down the number of conversations you need
to have, trim the list by asking a few things like whether
they're available around your due date, have a backup if they're
not available, live near enough to make it to you in reasonable
time, etc. If you have any history of precipitate labor, you
might want someone who will come to your home and take you to
the hospital and who has training in what to do if the baby
arrives before you get to the hospital.


Just a little more of the obvious common sense, it seems haha

Good luck!
Ericka



  #10  
Old January 9th 09, 05:29 AM posted to misc.kids.pregnancy
Ericka
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 64
Default Doula Dilemma

Kat wrote:
"Ericka" wrote in message
...
Kat wrote:


Again, I just keep thinking about how to pick one... and keep track of
all of the replies and phone calls I get and make. Trying to remember
who is who and all that.

Take notes ;-)


Ha. That's very easily said, it seems! I grabbed a sheet of paper and
tried taking notes just now based on call history on the phone, hoping I
have the right people with the right number and trying to remember the
convos of what's going on. I don't want to look like a total idiot calling
someone that I've already talked to and sounding like a very unorganized
fool going through things that we've already gone through. I seem to have
NO organizational skills lately, and my memory seems to be on vacation. As
I'm replying to emails, I've also said that I have some issues with
remembering who I've talked to, emailed, what I've asked, etc.



You do realize that a doula's job is to support
*pregnant* and *laboring* women, right? Scatterbrained
clients pretty much goes with the territory ;-)

One thing that can help you get a bit organized
is to type up a sort of interview form that has the
questions you're most interested in already on the form,
with space for you to fill in the details. That way you
remember your most important questions and you have a sheet
for each prospective doula on which you have the pertinent
information. It's a bit of a pain, but I know when I was
pregnant I needed to write things down, make lists, and
all that sort of thing because otherwise I'd just forget
everything!

Best wishes,
Ericka
 




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