Need advice

I need some help on this. My brother and sister in law sent their son(will
be 3 in January) over to say with me for a few weeks. I'm really good with
kids. In the last few months he has really been acting up and throwing
tantrums. I've spent a lot of time with him and he has spent weeks with me.
They know he listens to me. And are okay with my methods although I have
noticed that he is very defiant, even to me for the last 3 months. I'm not
opposed to spanking but something really disturbed me.

My Mother asked him to come to her and he wouldn't. (He never really goes
to her. Weeks ago I told her that he thinks she's another kid because she
always plays with him and he can't tell the difference. Last month he did
the same thing and she thought it was cute and started laughing.)

He's only been here 24 hours and I really haven't had a chance to work with
him. My Stepdad was standing there and immediately got up to get a fly
swatter. I told him to take a time out and he was standing in the corner
when my stepdad came back and started to hit him (very lightly but I have no
doubt it would have be harder if I was not across the room.)

I stopped him, and I took my nephew my nephew out of the room.

I have a few problems with this:

1. My Mother did nothing to stop this. Not surprising because she never
stopped him when he did it to me. (Keep in mind she things it is a running
joke and I think she should have said so. How does a 3 year old know?)

2. My stepdad would NEVER EVER hit one if his kids. (And had admitted it.)
Yet he could jump up over this incident.

3. My stepdad does not involve himself with my Nephew even when he's around
or in the same way. He pretty much ignores him unless he is putting on a
show for my Brother.

4. Shouldn't you use progressive dicipline and explain why you are doing
it?

Really need some help here. I felt like attacking him and my Mom (for being
so GD passive) myself.

Lava

Technopaganess wrote:
I need some help on this. My brother and sister in law sent their son(will
be 3 in January) over to say with me for a few weeks. I'm really good with
kids. In the last few months he has really been acting up and throwing
tantrums. I've spent a lot of time with him and he has spent weeks with me.
They know he listens to me. And are okay with my methods although I have
noticed that he is very defiant, even to me for the last 3 months. I'm not
opposed to spanking but something really disturbed me.

My Mother asked him to come to her and he wouldn't. (He never really goes
to her. Weeks ago I told her that he thinks she's another kid because she
always plays with him and he can't tell the difference. Last month he did
the same thing and she thought it was cute and started laughing.)

He's only been here 24 hours and I really haven't had a chance to work with
him. My Stepdad was standing there and immediately got up to get a fly
swatter. I told him to take a time out and he was standing in the corner
when my stepdad came back and started to hit him (very lightly but I have no
doubt it would have be harder if I was not across the room.)

What were you giving him a time out for? For not going to someone?

That seems a strange reaction of your part. More on your stepfather's
part.

You'd punish a child under 3 for not having relationships worked out,
and not understanding them? Or for simply being playful and
exploratory? Weird


I stopped him, and I took my nephew my nephew out of the room.

I have a few problems with this:

1. My Mother did nothing to stop this.

The swatting? Or the not going to her?

Not surprising because she never
stopped him when he did it to me. (Keep in mind she things it is a running
joke and I think she should have said so. How does a 3 year old know?)

The two issues are so intertwined I cannot begin to sort out an answer
that would address your question, if there is one. The only question I
can respond to is "How does a 3 year old know?" He can't, of course. So
why is everyone, including you, treating him as though he should?

2. My stepdad would NEVER EVER hit one if his kids. (And had admitted it.)
Yet he could jump up over this incident.

3. My stepdad does not involve himself with my Nephew even when he's around
or in the same way. He pretty much ignores him unless he is putting on a
show for my Brother.

4. Shouldn't you use progressive dicipline and explain why you are doing
it?

This seems to be the only question you've asked. The rest appears
explanatory.

No, there's no need for "dicipline"[sic] of a three year old, that is
if you mean "punishment." Simply tell the child what's wanted, and
leave it be. Do NO expect him to understand or comply. He's looking for
answeres, give them to him, and leave him time to sort them out on his
own.

Really need some help here. I felt like attacking him and my Mom (for being
so GD passive) myself.

I'm confused by the above sentence. Clarify please.

A three year old's behavior is more often erratic (to the observer)
than not. It's about exploring the potentials in both the material and
behavioral worlds.

He'd do well for the adults in his life to study some early childhood
development.

Lava

Best,

Q{ } ho ho ho ho

Technopaganess wrote:
I need some help on this. My brother and sister in law sent their son(will
be 3 in January) over to say with me for a few weeks. I'm really good with
kids. In the last few months he has really been acting up and throwing
tantrums. I've spent a lot of time with him and he has spent weeks with me.
They know he listens to me. And are okay with my methods although I have
noticed that he is very defiant, even to me for the last 3 months. I'm not
opposed to spanking but something really disturbed me.

My Mother asked him to come to her and he wouldn't. (He never really goes
to her. Weeks ago I told her that he thinks she's another kid because she
always plays with him and he can't tell the difference. Last month he did
the same thing and she thought it was cute and started laughing.)

He's only been here 24 hours and I really haven't had a chance to work with
him. My Stepdad was standing there and immediately got up to get a fly
swatter. I told him to take a time out and he was standing in the corner
when my stepdad came back and started to hit him (very lightly but I have no
doubt it would have be harder if I was not across the room.)

What were you giving him a time out for? For not going to someone?

That seems a strange reaction of your part. More on your stepfather's
part.

You'd punish a child under 3 for not having relationships worked out,
and not understanding them? Or for simply being playful and
exploratory? Weird


I stopped him, and I took my nephew my nephew out of the room.

I have a few problems with this:

1. My Mother did nothing to stop this.

The swatting? Or the not going to her?

Not surprising because she never
stopped him when he did it to me. (Keep in mind she things it is a running
joke and I think she should have said so. How does a 3 year old know?)

The two issues are so intertwined I cannot begin to sort out an answer
that would address your question, if there is one. The only question I
can respond to is "How does a 3 year old know?" He can't, of course. So
why is everyone, including you, treating him as though he should?

2. My stepdad would NEVER EVER hit one if his kids. (And had admitted it.)
Yet he could jump up over this incident.

3. My stepdad does not involve himself with my Nephew even when he's around
or in the same way. He pretty much ignores him unless he is putting on a
show for my Brother.

4. Shouldn't you use progressive dicipline and explain why you are doing
it?

This seems to be the only question you've asked. The rest appears
explanatory.

No, there's no need for "dicipline"[sic] of a three year old, that is
if you mean "punishment." Simply tell the child what's wanted, and
leave it be. Do NO expect him to understand or comply. He's looking for
answeres, give them to him, and leave him time to sort them out on his
own.

Really need some help here. I felt like attacking him and my Mom (for being
so GD passive) myself.

I'm confused by the above sentence. Clarify please.

A three year old's behavior is more often erratic (to the observer)
than not. It's about exploring the potentials in both the material and
behavioral worlds.

He'd do well for the adults in his life to study some early childhood
development.

Lava

Best,

Q{ } ho ho ho ho

wrote in message
ups.com...
:
: Technopaganess wrote:
: I need some help on this. My brother and sister in law sent
their son(will
: be 3 in January) over to say with me for a few weeks. I'm
really good with
: kids. In the last few months he has really been acting up
and throwing
: tantrums. I've spent a lot of time with him and he has spent
weeks with me.
: They know he listens to me. And are okay with my methods
although I have
: noticed that he is very defiant, even to me for the last 3
months. I'm not
: opposed to spanking but something really disturbed me.
:
: My Mother asked him to come to her and he wouldn't. (He
never really goes
: to her. Weeks ago I told her that he thinks she's another
kid because she
: always plays with him and he can't tell the difference. Last
month he did
: the same thing and she thought it was cute and started
laughing.)
:
: He's only been here 24 hours and I really haven't had a
chance to work with
: him. My Stepdad was standing there and immediately got up to
get a fly
: swatter. I told him to take a time out and he was standing
in the corner
: when my stepdad came back and started to hit him (very
lightly but I have no
: doubt it would have be harder if I was not across the room.)
:
: What were you giving him a time out for? For not going to
someone?
:
: That seems a strange reaction of your part. More on your
stepfather's
: part.
:
: You'd punish a child under 3 for not having relationships
worked out,
: and not understanding them? Or for simply being playful and
: exploratory? Weird
:
:
: I stopped him, and I took my nephew my nephew out of the
room.
:
: I have a few problems with this:
:
: 1. My Mother did nothing to stop this.
:
: The swatting? Or the not going to her?
:
: Not surprising because she never
: stopped him when he did it to me. (Keep in mind she things
it is a running
: joke and I think she should have said so. How does a 3 year
old know?)
:
: The two issues are so intertwined I cannot begin to sort out an
answer
: that would address your question, if there is one. The only
question I
: can respond to is "How does a 3 year old know?" He can't, of
course. So
: why is everyone, including you, treating him as though he
should?
:
: 2. My stepdad would NEVER EVER hit one if his kids. (And had
admitted it.)
: Yet he could jump up over this incident.
:
: 3. My stepdad does not involve himself with my Nephew even
when he's around
: or in the same way. He pretty much ignores him unless he is
putting on a
: show for my Brother.
:
: 4. Shouldn't you use progressive dicipline and explain why
you are doing
: it?
:
: This seems to be the only question you've asked. The rest
appears
: explanatory.
:
: No, there's no need for "dicipline"[sic] of a three year old,
that is
: if you mean "punishment." Simply tell the child what's wanted,
and
: leave it be. Do NO expect him to understand or comply. He's
looking for
: answeres, give them to him, and leave him time to sort them out
on his
: own.
:
: Really need some help here. I felt like attacking him and my
Mom (for being
: so GD passive) myself.
:
: I'm confused by the above sentence. Clarify please.
:
: A three year old's behavior is more often erratic (to the
observer)
: than not. It's about exploring the potentials in both the
material and
: behavioral worlds.
:
: He'd do well for the adults in his life to study some early
childhood
: development.
:
: Lava
:
: Best,
:
: Q{ } ho ho ho ho
:

HERE'S THE NICE KANER-TROLL-HATE-MONGERING BIGOT, ACTING ALL NICE
AND PLEASANT, ADDING THE FC NEWSGROUP TO A POST DISTRIBUTION, SO
THAT HE CAN SHOW HOW HE'S BEING IMPUNED FOR TRYING TO HELP
SOMEONE. FUNNY THING IS, THERE IS NO PRECEDING POST TO THE
KANER'S POST ON THE FC GROUP - IT STANDS ALONE AS ITS ONLY ENTRY
IN THE THREAD. SO, THE REASON FOR THE POST SHOWING UP IN FC IS
DIRECTLY OBVIOUS - STUPIDITY, NARCISSISM, AND IGNORANCE OF
SOCIAL BEAVIOR NORMS.
POOR POOR KANERS - THEY'RE SUCH PATHETIC THINGS WHEN THEY
THINK THEY CAN THINK. IT POSTS, ANSWERS ITS OWN POSTS, POSES,
ANSWERS IT AGAIN, AND THEN WONDERS WHY PEOPLE THINK IT HAS
NOTHING RELEVANT TO THE GROUP TOPIC TO DISCUSS.

wrote in message
ups.com...
:
: Technopaganess wrote:
: I need some help on this. My brother and sister in law sent
their son(will
: be 3 in January) over to say with me for a few weeks. I'm
really good with
: kids. In the last few months he has really been acting up
and throwing
: tantrums. I've spent a lot of time with him and he has spent
weeks with me.
: They know he listens to me. And are okay with my methods
although I have
: noticed that he is very defiant, even to me for the last 3
months. I'm not
: opposed to spanking but something really disturbed me.
:
: My Mother asked him to come to her and he wouldn't. (He
never really goes
: to her. Weeks ago I told her that he thinks she's another
kid because she
: always plays with him and he can't tell the difference. Last
month he did
: the same thing and she thought it was cute and started
laughing.)
:
: He's only been here 24 hours and I really haven't had a
chance to work with
: him. My Stepdad was standing there and immediately got up to
get a fly
: swatter. I told him to take a time out and he was standing
in the corner
: when my stepdad came back and started to hit him (very
lightly but I have no
: doubt it would have be harder if I was not across the room.)
:
: What were you giving him a time out for? For not going to
someone?
:
: That seems a strange reaction of your part. More on your
stepfather's
: part.
:
: You'd punish a child under 3 for not having relationships
worked out,
: and not understanding them? Or for simply being playful and
: exploratory? Weird
:
:
: I stopped him, and I took my nephew my nephew out of the
room.
:
: I have a few problems with this:
:
: 1. My Mother did nothing to stop this.
:
: The swatting? Or the not going to her?
:
: Not surprising because she never
: stopped him when he did it to me. (Keep in mind she things
it is a running
: joke and I think she should have said so. How does a 3 year
old know?)
:
: The two issues are so intertwined I cannot begin to sort out an
answer
: that would address your question, if there is one. The only
question I
: can respond to is "How does a 3 year old know?" He can't, of
course. So
: why is everyone, including you, treating him as though he
should?
:
: 2. My stepdad would NEVER EVER hit one if his kids. (And had
admitted it.)
: Yet he could jump up over this incident.
:
: 3. My stepdad does not involve himself with my Nephew even
when he's around
: or in the same way. He pretty much ignores him unless he is
putting on a
: show for my Brother.
:
: 4. Shouldn't you use progressive dicipline and explain why
you are doing
: it?
:
: This seems to be the only question you've asked. The rest
appears
: explanatory.
:
: No, there's no need for "dicipline"[sic] of a three year old,
that is
: if you mean "punishment." Simply tell the child what's wanted,
and
: leave it be. Do NO expect him to understand or comply. He's
looking for
: answeres, give them to him, and leave him time to sort them out
on his
: own.
:
: Really need some help here. I felt like attacking him and my
Mom (for being
: so GD passive) myself.
:
: I'm confused by the above sentence. Clarify please.
:
: A three year old's behavior is more often erratic (to the
observer)
: than not. It's about exploring the potentials in both the
material and
: behavioral worlds.
:
: He'd do well for the adults in his life to study some early
childhood
: development.
:
: Lava
:
: Best,
:
: Q{ } ho ho ho ho
:

Technopaganess wrote:
I need some help on this. My brother and sister in law sent their son(will
be 3 in January) over to say with me for a few weeks. I'm really good with
kids. In the last few months he has really been acting up and throwing
tantrums. I've spent a lot of time with him and he has spent weeks with me.
They know he listens to me. And are okay with my methods although I have
noticed that he is very defiant, even to me for the last 3 months. I'm not
opposed to spanking but something really disturbed me.

I'm opposed to spanking, but that doesn't really seem to be the main
issue here. There could be several things going on. He's not yet
three. Toddlers are often defiant, and this is a developmentally
appropriate stage. You say you've spent a lot of time with him and are
good with kids, but the fact that a child this young is sent to stay
with his uncle for several weeks is confusing. Children, especially
very young children, often act out with this sort of transition. I'm
sure he's wondering why he's not with his mommy and daddy.

My Mother asked him to come to her and he wouldn't. (He never really goes
to her. Weeks ago I told her that he thinks she's another kid because she
always plays with him and he can't tell the difference. Last month he did
the same thing and she thought it was cute and started laughing.)

I don't understand this paragraph. There is a reason he isn't going to
your mother, but it has nothing to do with the fact that she plays with
him. Playing with a child strengthens the bonding process and has
nothing to do with him viewing your mother as a kid. However, the last
sentence of the paragraph indicates that she may be laughing at him.
This could possibly explain why he doesn't go to her.

He's only been here 24 hours and I really haven't had a chance to work with
him. My Stepdad was standing there and immediately got up to get a fly
swatter. I told him to take a time out and he was standing in the corner
when my stepdad came back and started to hit him (very lightly but I have no
doubt it would have be harder if I was not across the room.)

Your stepdad's response is obviously abusive an inappropriate. However,
I have another question. Why would you give a child a time out for not
wanting to go to someone? For whatever reason, your nephew is avoiding
your mother, and he has a right to do so.

In your comments below, you seem to indicate that there are issues of
abuse with your stepfather. Who knows why your mother did nothing to
stop this. If he hit you, it isn't surprising that he would view
hitting as acceptable for his step-grandchildren.

Of course progressive discipline is the answer. What is your confusion?

LaVonne

I stopped him, and I took my nephew my nephew out of the room.

I have a few problems with this:

1. My Mother did nothing to stop this. Not surprising because she never
stopped him when he did it to me. (Keep in mind she things it is a running
joke and I think she should have said so. How does a 3 year old know?)

2. My stepdad would NEVER EVER hit one if his kids. (And had admitted it.)
Yet he could jump up over this incident.

3. My stepdad does not involve himself with my Nephew even when he's around
or in the same way. He pretty much ignores him unless he is putting on a
show for my Brother.

4. Shouldn't you use progressive dicipline and explain why you are doing
it?

Really need some help here. I felt like attacking him and my Mom (for being
so GD passive) myself.

Lava

It is approaching Christmas. That's generally an exciting time for
youngsters. This brat is away from his parents for unspecified
reasons. Something to do with either the reason why the kid was
dropped off on your doorstep or that fact that he arrived at a normally
exciting time for children might have something to do with the kid's
wildcard behavior. Your stepfather's low tolerance level might have
something to do with his age. If he is not used to a rambunctious kid
running round the house, a little wild thing might cause some
irritability. Your mother's behavior may be an attempt at
pacification. Your strategies may not be working simply because the
kid is getting too many mixed signals. Also, you may be used to
working with kids for a few hours at a time instead of a few weeks at a
time.

From the kid's point of view, one adult is playing the heavy. One
adult is playing like another kid. One adult is engaged in some
unspecified role. The kid is in a new environment at a universally
exciting time for children. There is apparently no consistency in
expectations. Even if there were, it is probably different from what
he is used to with his parents. To make matters worse, his parents are
nowhere to be found. He may or may not know why they are missing. He
might not even understand when they will return; 2 or 3 weeks can seem
like an eternity at that age. Any assurance his parents may offer is
absent from his life. No wonder the kid is confused.

Technopaganess wrote:
I need some help on this. My brother and sister in law sent their son(will
be 3 in January) over to say with me for a few weeks. I'm really good with
kids. In the last few months he has really been acting up and throwing
tantrums. I've spent a lot of time with him and he has spent weeks with me.
They know he listens to me. And are okay with my methods although I have
noticed that he is very defiant, even to me for the last 3 months. I'm not
opposed to spanking but something really disturbed me.

My Mother asked him to come to her and he wouldn't. (He never really goes
to her. Weeks ago I told her that he thinks she's another kid because she
always plays with him and he can't tell the difference. Last month he did
the same thing and she thought it was cute and started laughing.)

He's only been here 24 hours and I really haven't had a chance to work with
him. My Stepdad was standing there and immediately got up to get a fly
swatter. I told him to take a time out and he was standing in the corner
when my stepdad came back and started to hit him (very lightly but I have no
doubt it would have be harder if I was not across the room.)

I stopped him, and I took my nephew my nephew out of the room.

I have a few problems with this:

1. My Mother did nothing to stop this. Not surprising because she never
stopped him when he did it to me. (Keep in mind she things it is a running
joke and I think she should have said so. How does a 3 year old know?)

2. My stepdad would NEVER EVER hit one if his kids. (And had admitted it.)
Yet he could jump up over this incident.

3. My stepdad does not involve himself with my Nephew even when he's around
or in the same way. He pretty much ignores him unless he is putting on a
show for my Brother.

4. Shouldn't you use progressive dicipline and explain why you are doing
it?

Really need some help here. I felt like attacking him and my Mom (for being
so GD passive) myself.

Lava

Opinions wrote:
It is approaching Christmas. That's generally an exciting time for
youngsters. This brat is away from his parents for unspecified
reasons. Something to do with either the reason why the kid was
dropped off on your doorstep or that fact that he arrived at a normally
exciting time for children might have something to do with the kid's
wildcard behavior. Your stepfather's low tolerance level might have
something to do with his age. If he is not used to a rambunctious kid
running round the house, a little wild thing might cause some
irritability. Your mother's behavior may be an attempt at
pacification. Your strategies may not be working simply because the
kid is getting too many mixed signals. Also, you may be used to
working with kids for a few hours at a time instead of a few weeks at a
time.

From the kid's point of view, one adult is playing the heavy. One
adult is playing like another kid. One adult is engaged in some
unspecified role. The kid is in a new environment at a universally
exciting time for children. There is apparently no consistency in
expectations. Even if there were, it is probably different from what
he is used to with his parents. To make matters worse, his parents are
nowhere to be found. He may or may not know why they are missing. He
might not even understand when they will return; 2 or 3 weeks can seem
like an eternity at that age. Any assurance his parents may offer is
absent from his life. No wonder the kid is confused.



Still carping your child hatred nitwittery, ****ant?

Let's hope you worked your own children over well enough they will
remain cowed until you finally pass of this mortal coil naturally.

We'd hate to read of the patricide of Observer the little piggie.

R R R R

You and the dancing hysterical screaching monkey make a lovely pear,
and fruits you are.

Q}{ } ho ho ho ho

On 18 Dec 2005 wrote:

Still carping your child hatred nitwittery, ****ant?

Let's hope you worked your own children over well enough they will
remain cowed until you finally pass of this mortal coil naturally.

We'd hate to read of the patricide of Observer the little piggie.

R R R R

You and the dancing hysterical screaching monkey make a lovely pear,
and fruits you are.

Q}{ } ho ho ho ho


This is a lovely example of how a "never-spanked" kid turned into. Your
mom must be proud! ;-)

Doan

Given the tone of Kane's post, he would be safe to bet that he or she
had foamy slobber all over their keyboard by the time they finished.
As usual, Kane had nothing to say except that he or she has hang-up
with "Observer".


Doan wrote:
On 18 Dec 2005 wrote:

Still carping your child hatred nitwittery, ****ant?

Let's hope you worked your own children over well enough they will
remain cowed until you finally pass of this mortal coil naturally.

We'd hate to read of the patricide of Observer the little piggie.

R R R R

You and the dancing hysterical screaching monkey make a lovely pear,
and fruits you are.

Q}{ } ho ho ho ho


This is a lovely example of how a "never-spanked" kid turned into. Your
mom must be proud! ;-)

Doan