my friend's controlling son

On 15 Apr 2005 00:12:56 GMT, (Catherine
Woodgold) wrote:

Telling her something terrible about her boy will probably just
get her angry -- it probably won't lead to her
learning anything useful.

Agreed. When you want to tell someone something bad about
their child, always lead with the things that are good. Otherwise
you end up with a defensive parent who will never listen to your
advice about what to do. Also, always have suggestions that
allow for both children to be *at fault* not just one. Remember
that the other child is *her* baby and even if you are protecting
your own child, you are better off not being too defensive to admit
the child's part in the interaction.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

Catherine Woodgold ) writes:
"When you call her a baby, I feel my daughter is being
insulted." She will likely respond defensively, and it's a good
idea to switch to active-listening: "I can see that what
I just said upset you." etc. Being sympathetic and saying
things to acknowledge her feelings, though without taking
back what you said. You can say "I'm sorry that what I
just said upset you," without actually taking it back.
That's the sort of thing you might learn to say in the
Effectiveness Training course.

Actually, you're supposed to take a deep breath,
get in touch with your feelings, and use the word that
most accurately describes how you're feeling.
Not a whole clause like "my daughter is being
insulted" -- that's a belief, not a feeling.
It might be "I feel belittled" or "I feel embarassed"
or "I feel burnt inside", etc.

Here's another idea:

Tell your friend, "Yes let's get together with
the children for a playdate! But listen -- I've been
more active with my daughter, trying to teach her to be
more assertive, so I'm probably going to be
interacting with the kids a lot, encouraging her
to speak up for herself. I'd like to spend some
time concentrating on just talking with
you, too, so how about we get together some time
in the next couple of weeks just you and me,
and leave the kids with our husbands?"
(Sorry, I forget if you said she was married.)
You can leave the date vague because you and she
might or might not actually want to do that -- you might
be too busy -- but the theoretical idea leaves you free to
pay most of your attention to the kids without
insulting your friend (IMO).

And another idea:

Adult: "It sounds as if there's a conflict here.
Would you like some help working out this conflict?"
Boy: No!
Adult to girl: Would you like some help with
this conflict?
Girl: (nods)
Adult: OK, let's use the Creative Problem-Solving method.
First, let's write down what the problem is ...

If both children say they don't want help, I would
leave them to work out the conflict on their own.

Get both children to agree on what the problem is.
Try to state needs in abstract terms: "She needs freedom
to move toys, and he needs routines to be followed."
Get the kids to list lots of ideas for solutions
to the problem. Tell them not to criticize the solutions
yet. Write them down. Then say that it's time to
evaluate the solutions. Cross off the solutions that
one or the other kid doesn't like. Hopefully there
will be at least one solution left. Or you can
ask them how they might modify a solution.
--
Cathy
A *much* better world is possible.