Marriage problems - advice needed

Joelle, with your attitude it's no wonder your a single parent. What man
could put up with you?

Oh boohoo, you probably think you are so clever you are the first one to think
of the "no wonder you are a single parent" line and you probably think it
hurts. Well as a matter of fact I had a man for 12 years and guess what else?
We had good sex and he helped around the house so I guess I know a little more
than you do about picking men and keeping them. Maybe you should take my
advice.

f I didn't why would he
say he was 90% happy with our relationship?

Because unlike you, he cares enough about the kids to try to keep the marraige
together and is making the best of it.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Thu, 26 Aug 2004 10:04:17 -0400, "P.Fritz"
wrote:


"confused" wrote in message
...
Joelle, with your attitude it's no wonder your a single parent. What
man
could put up with you? and no I won't go away because not everyone has
your
dismissive attitude. I came her with a real problem hoping to get some
advice from people who are in the situation of being a single parent. I
don't mistreat my husband and I do compliment him, if I didn't why
would
he
say he was 90% happy with our relationship?

Selfish clueless bitch................cheaating on you spouse IS
mistreating
him.

Sheesh.

It is very disrespectful, inconsiderate, and dangerous.... but it's
not the problem. The problem is that she is doing this all
unconsciously. It's a pattern of behavior that she's probably
learned. The poor guy is going to be left holding the bag.... he'll
take the blame and will be told that he's lousy in bed to boot and all
because she cannot surrender her position of controller of the house.
She's using control to replace trust and vulnerability. The problem is
hers and not the husband's and it can be fixed if she'll seek help for
it.

'Kate

I still stand by my remarks......

selfish........obvious by her admission of cheating
clueless.......for her comment to Joelle about why she is single'
bitch..........for the whining and selfish behavior.

I don't think the cheating was done unconsciously.....but some of the othe
behavior, probably so

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Thu, 26 Aug 2004 11:02:44 +0000 (UTC), "confused"
wrote:


I hope you're a troll... I really do.

If the sex is lousy after only 11 years, imagine what it'll be like
in
another 40.

You can't change things without his cooperation but you can seek
counseling for whatever it is that's going on in your head that makes
you want to cheat.

'Kate


Thanks for your replys although they haven't been anymore than a
slagging off. What's a troll anyway?


What did you expect? Explicit instructions for dismantelling your
marriage so that you can pursue a better sex life as a single-parent?


My husband does not do 90% of the work, I also work in the evenings and
do
all the housework - he does the dishes occasionally.

One day, a week or so after my husband died, I noticed muck build up
on the rim of the dishwasher... around the gasket. It wasn't until
then that I realized that I'd never had to clean that before. Phil
must have taken care of it.

Where the heck is that in the dishwasher? The only dishwasher I know is
called my kid.

(Actually we moved and I have a real dishwasher but won't use it. Man oh
man, all that water it uses! What a waste of resources!)



T

"confused" wrote in message
...
I'm 30 with 2 kids aged 5 and 2. I've been with my partner for 11 years,
married for 7. Maybe I am going through a mid-life crisis but I feel like
an
old woman. Our sex life has been bad almost since the start of our
relationship but that didn't seem to matter as we always enjoyed each
other's company. Now we have the kids it seems more important somehow. I
do
love him and can see us being together when we are old age pensioners but
at
the moment I am not happy. I slept with someone else a couple of weeks ago
and it was fantastic. He was 24 and we were at it for hours, he made me
excited and I've not been able to stop thinking about him. I told this guy
I
was married and that it was a one night stand, I don't have any intention
of
seeing him again but it's made me feel like a sexual being again. He
seemed
really keen on me and said really nice things, not only that but we were
talking about things and he was nice to spend time with.

I don't want to go down the road of cheating on my husband as I've never
done this before but I set out to have sex that night to prove to myself
that I could have good sex - and I did! I don't feel sexually attracted to
him anymore although I love him. Also he works a lot and is always in a
bad
mood. According to him he is 90% happy with our relationship and this
makes
me feel guilty. I married him for all the right reasons and we have 2
lovely
kids (who are hard work). I couldn't think of a better father, we wanted
the
kids and they are loved by both of us. I feel as though I cannot guarantee
my faithfulness now that I have done it once and he doesn't deserve that.
I
am also scared of being a single parent because I don't know anyone else
in
this situation, what would I do? How would I cope? I seem to have more
time
for the kids when he is not around so maybe they would be better off. Is
it
better to stay in this marriage and have flings on the side hoping that
it's
just a phase? or should we split up and go our seperate ways? To make
matters worse we have a mortgage etc.. I don't really want to move my kids
when they are settled here. Am I crazy? What should I do?




Read past posts here. Being a single mother is hard. I don't think you will
find the advice you need here. You have marital problems, seek help in real
life.

T

"'Kate" wrote in message
news
On Thu, 26 Aug 2004 11:29:05 -0400, "P.Fritz"
wrote:


"'Kate" wrote in message
.. .
On Thu, 26 Aug 2004 10:04:17 -0400, "P.Fritz"
wrote:


"confused" wrote in message
...
Joelle, with your attitude it's no wonder your a single parent.
What
man
could put up with you? and no I won't go away because not everyone
has
your
dismissive attitude. I came her with a real problem hoping to get
some
advice from people who are in the situation of being a single
parent. I
don't mistreat my husband and I do compliment him, if I didn't why
would
he
say he was 90% happy with our relationship?

Selfish clueless bitch................cheaating on you spouse IS
mistreating
him.

Sheesh.

It is very disrespectful, inconsiderate, and dangerous.... but it's
not the problem. The problem is that she is doing this all
unconsciously. It's a pattern of behavior that she's probably
learned. The poor guy is going to be left holding the bag.... he'll
take the blame and will be told that he's lousy in bed to boot and all
because she cannot surrender her position of controller of the house.
She's using control to replace trust and vulnerability. The problem is
hers and not the husband's and it can be fixed if she'll seek help for
it.

'Kate

I still stand by my remarks......

selfish........obvious by her admission of cheating
clueless.......for her comment to Joelle about why she is single'
bitch..........for the whining and selfish behavior.

I don't think the cheating was done unconsciously.....but some of the
othe
behavior, probably so


I'm not disagreeing with you entirely... just adding another
dimension. I don't think that the woman is evil incarnate. I do
think she's clueless as to why she's sabotaging her own marriage...
and why she can't reach the level of intimacy necessary for a marriage
to work long term. I'm sorry for her. She probably has a good man, a
good father... and she's ready to trash it all to look for something
that will never exist without her commitment to herself.


yeah......the grass is always greener...........



'Kate

On Thu, 26 Aug 2004 13:47:24 +0000 (UTC), "confused"
wrote:

I
don't mistreat my husband and I do compliment him, if I didn't why would he
say he was 90% happy with our relationship?

Maybe because he doesn't know you're ****ing someone else?

lm

Subject: Marriage problems - advice needed

"confused" wrote in message
...
snip
Am I crazy? What should I do?

I think you need help to realize that you are indeed sabotaging what looks to
me to be a decent life for your children. Many woman and men leave thier
marriages because of abuse that effects themselves and thier children very
badly, as I did . What you say about your husband does not warrent the
behaviour you have taken up to satisfy your sexual needs.A marriage is to be
treated with respect and loyalty, your husband appears to be a hard working man
that does not drink or drug or abuse you or your children. All partnerships
require comunication, trust , and give and take when things get tough. You show
no committment to your family by behaving so selfishly and your children
deserve the chance to have a secure, safe and loving home with both parents
working towards that goal. If your private personal relationship with your
husband is unfullfilling to you, you are just as responsible to light the fires
of desire between the two of you as he is. It does not come without committment
and hard work and understanding , the quality of the intimacy in your marriage
is as much your responsibility to maintain as your partners and it looks to me
that YOU have given up and now your children have to pay the consequences of
your inability to comunicate and get what you need from what looks to me as a
decent husband and father ? I'd say yes you are crazy
You should get counsiling before you blow a good thing if you haven't already
cheating as you did .........shameful

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Thu, 26 Aug 2004 12:21:28 -0400, "Tiffany"
wrote:


"'Kate" wrote in message
.. .
On Thu, 26 Aug 2004 11:02:44 +0000 (UTC), "confused"
wrote:


I hope you're a troll... I really do.

If the sex is lousy after only 11 years, imagine what it'll be
like
in
another 40.

You can't change things without his cooperation but you can seek
counseling for whatever it is that's going on in your head that
makes
you want to cheat.

'Kate


Thanks for your replys although they haven't been anymore than a
slagging off. What's a troll anyway?


What did you expect? Explicit instructions for dismantelling your
marriage so that you can pursue a better sex life as a single-parent?


My husband does not do 90% of the work, I also work in the evenings
and
do
all the housework - he does the dishes occasionally.

One day, a week or so after my husband died, I noticed muck build up
on the rim of the dishwasher... around the gasket. It wasn't until
then that I realized that I'd never had to clean that before. Phil
must have taken care of it.

Where the heck is that in the dishwasher? The only dishwasher I know is
called my kid.

(Actually we moved and I have a real dishwasher but won't use it. Man oh
man, all that water it uses! What a waste of resources!)



T

I've heard it uses less than washing by hand... but maybe not. We
manage to use about 4,000 gallons per month for the three of us...
that includes diswashing, cleaning, laundry, showers, lawn care, and
drinking water (not in that order). I don't think that's
excessive.... our bill is about $15. a month.

'Kate


Heck if I know! lol... I just know as its running, it sounds like a lot. But
it is only me and one kid so we over all use less. I don't pay a water bill
so I don't know how much. I might have to ask a pro and see if that you say
it true. It would be easier to use the dishwasher then hear the kid
complain.

T

ubject: Marriage problems - advice needed
From: 'Kate
Date: 8/26/2004 11:03 PM Eastern Standard Time
Message-id:

On Thu, 26 Aug 2004 19:32:30 -0400, "Tiffany"
wrote:


"'Kate" wrote in message
. ..
On Thu, 26 Aug 2004 12:21:28 -0400, "Tiffany"
wrote:


"'Kate" wrote in message
.. .
On Thu, 26 Aug 2004 11:02:44 +0000 (UTC), "confused"
wrote:


I hope you're a troll... I really do.

If the sex is lousy after only 11 years, imagine what it'll be
like
in
another 40.

You can't change things without his cooperation but you can seek
counseling for whatever it is that's going on in your head that
makes
you want to cheat.

'Kate


Thanks for your replys although they haven't been anymore than a
slagging off. What's a troll anyway?


What did you expect? Explicit instructions for dismantelling your
marriage so that you can pursue a better sex life as a single-parent?


My husband does not do 90% of the work, I also work in the evenings
and
do
all the housework - he does the dishes occasionally.

One day, a week or so after my husband died, I noticed muck build up
on the rim of the dishwasher... around the gasket. It wasn't until
then that I realized that I'd never had to clean that before. Phil
must have taken care of it.

Where the heck is that in the dishwasher? The only dishwasher I know is
called my kid.

(Actually we moved and I have a real dishwasher but won't use it. Man oh
man, all that water it uses! What a waste of resources!)



T

I've heard it uses less than washing by hand... but maybe not. We
manage to use about 4,000 gallons per month for the three of us...
that includes diswashing, cleaning, laundry, showers, lawn care, and
drinking water (not in that order). I don't think that's
excessive.... our bill is about $15. a month.

'Kate


Heck if I know! lol... I just know as its running, it sounds like a lot. But
it is only me and one kid so we over all use less. I don't pay a water bill
so I don't know how much. I might have to ask a pro and see if that you say
it true. It would be easier to use the dishwasher then hear the kid
complain.

T


They still complain... but about whose turn it is to load and unload.
Loading is the dreaded job unless it's flatware.. they both hate that
part.

'Kate



We eliminated the dreaded loading process by making everyone responsible to
rinse and load thier own dishes, then the one that loaded the last dish that
would fit would apply soap and set to start...... which developed the best in
creative dishwasher loading techniques cause just like the dreaded last glass
of iced tea that seems to never get drank cause that meant you had to make more
there was always this tiny little space for "something" to fit into so it was
usually Gayle that turned the darn thing on, cause you know kids ! Then we took
turns unloading which is so much easier , and I of course always seeemed to
find that last mouthful of iced tea , which was fine with me cause everyone
else made it way too sweet for me , Heh , LOL!

On 27 Aug 2004 09:05:32 GMT,
(Bebelestrnge0721) wrote:


We eliminated the dreaded loading process by making everyone responsible to
rinse and load thier own dishes, then the one that loaded the last dish that
would fit would apply soap and set to start...... which developed the best in
creative dishwasher loading techniques cause just like the dreaded last glass
of iced tea that seems to never get drank cause that meant you had to make more
there was always this tiny little space for "something" to fit into so it was
usually Gayle that turned the darn thing on, cause you know kids ! Then we took
turns unloading which is so much easier , and I of course always seeemed to
find that last mouthful of iced tea , which was fine with me cause everyone
else made it way too sweet for me , Heh , LOL!

Lacking a dishwasher, I accomplished much the same thing by buying one
of those scrubbers that you fill with dish soap, and a plant spray
bottle that I filled with dishsoap and water. The deal here is, you
have to wash your own dishes as you use them. She who cooks, does not
have to wash cooking dishes, and she who eats but does not cook,
washes.

It's not perfect, but it did help. I learned it from Youth Hostels.
Lots of great ideas there!

Cele