Sudden aggression

G'day

I don't post much on m.k, but I read on and off and really appreciate
everyone's advice, so now I need some..

It's been my experience in general that as soon as a new parenting
situation comes up, if I wait as long as it takes to realize this is a
"trend" not just a once or twice occurence, and then wait long enough to
get around to explain the behaviour I'm seeing, then the behaviour
usually stops. Haha. So I'm hoping this behaviour stops fast, but I'm
really concerned, so rather than waiting, I decided to post about it.

Some background - things have been unusual in the last few weeks - DS's
favourite daycare teacher has been away for personal reasons so he is
coping with new teachers, but he's in a small daycare (only 12 kids) and
there is a lot of overlap of teachers, meaning he's not with just one,
but is seeing all old faces as well as new ones. DH has been out of town
for five days but will be back tomorrow. Last week we told DS that I'm
pregnant and he seems very keen on the idea of having a sibling and
being a big brother.

DS is almost 3 1/2. He has been one of four typical kids who with 8
special needs kids attend a special needs daycare that we all adore. The
ratios are low, the teachers are great, the curriculum is individualized
and very detailed. We love everything about how DS is taught and
respected.

He is now the most advanced child there - not the oldest, but the
highest developmentally. There was another child there who left a few
weeks ago (yes there's another change) so he is now undisputed king of
the hill. He will age out and start a new daycare this fall, so I'm
guessing this maybe part of the problem. His developmental level is
still well in hand at the daycare, they have new challenging curriculum
for him all the time, so I know he is not bored.

DS has always been slower in social development, but I was really
encouraged with the level of empathy he had seemed to be developing. He
has loved going in and playing in the infants room, and had developed
what seemed to be a special friendship with one of the special needs
kids in his group. Now all of a sudden he has turned into an agressive
young man and has been attempting to hit/kick other children, including
some of the special needs kids who have no way to tell him to stop or
ability to escape.

Because of the low student/teacher ratios, DS has been caught very
quickly and prevented from hurting others, but when asked why he is
doing what he is doing, he will say "because I want to". He is usually
very verbal, but doesn't seem to be able to explain his emotions well.
We've also noticed that he doesnt' answer the "why?" question very well.
Answers are usually "Because I want to." "Because that's what
happened.", etc.

Things we are doing.. (yes I talk to daycare and we both make
suggestions to each other about how do deal with stuff)

Talking about emotions of characters in stories. Talking about reading
emotions on people's faces and talking about how they are feeling.

Trying to get him to use his words when he feels like being violent.

I've told him today to tell a teacher when he feels like hurting a
friend and ask to be given something different to do.

It seems like he may be doing this in social situations, either when he
wants to be left alone (he's very intense about concentrating about
whatever he's doing and doesn't like to be interrupted), or when he
wants to join in play with others and doesn't know how to do that.

I just bought the Spirited Child book and am reading it.

My heart knows that this is a phase and will pass, but I'm horrified
about how quickly it came out of the blue and how brutul he became
practically overnight.

He is a very independant young man with a need to be in control (I'm
good at figuring out options to offer so he seems to be in control even
when I am. heh.). He doesn't take No very well at all, despite me always
making a point of explaining why it has to be No. He does tantrum well
and is too strong/fast for me to be able to physically override him, not
that I want to, but sometimes I have to - like when he won't get in the
car seat and we have to leave. Most often I am the sort of mum who waits
out the tantrum and arrives 20 mins late.

Well this was long and incoherent, but maybe I can make things clearer
if they aren't already when anyone responds.

DrRuth

On Mon, 11 Apr 2005 19:39:31 -0500, Ruth Shear
wrote:

Because of the low student/teacher ratios, DS has been caught very
quickly and prevented from hurting others, but when asked why he is
doing what he is doing, he will say "because I want to". He is usually
very verbal, but doesn't seem to be able to explain his emotions well.
We've also noticed that he doesnt' answer the "why?" question very well.
Answers are usually "Because I want to." "Because that's what
happened.", etc.

Don't bother asking why. Children at 3 1/2 don't know why they
hit or hurt others.

Do give him words though. Say *you were really angry about....
*That frustrated you* (give the specific thing that frustrated him)

You need to teach him the words to use.

Things we are doing.. (yes I talk to daycare and we both make
suggestions to each other about how do deal with stuff)

Talking about emotions of characters in stories. Talking about reading
emotions on people's faces and talking about how they are feeling.

This is a good way to get him to understand emotions.

You can also get him to draw his anger (give him a black crayon
and let him scribble furiously).

Trying to get him to use his words when he feels like being violent.

Again, good, but make sure you give him the specific words he
can use. Have him say *I am angry about.... * *I was frustrated
when.....* *I wanted a turn with the toy. It made me angry when
you would not take turns*

I've told him today to tell a teacher when he feels like hurting a
friend and ask to be given something different to do.

That may not work well at this age. They don't have enough impulse
control. Still it *is* another option.

It seems like he may be doing this in social situations, either when he
wants to be left alone (he's very intense about concentrating about
whatever he's doing and doesn't like to be interrupted), or when he
wants to join in play with others and doesn't know how to do that.

Teach him *we use gentle hands to touch people* and show him
how to touch people gently.

You can also try using puppets or stuffed animals or dolls to role
play situations in which he gets angry and have the dolls give him
alternative actions.

For example, if he is grabbing someone's toys.... Have the doll grab
the toy and the other doll say *Give that back* or have one doll give
a toy to the other doll when the doll asks for it nicely.

Role play the actual scenes from what he has done if possible. If
not, make some up.




--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

Hi -

My son had aggression issues at age 3-4. We found a lot of what you're
doing to be quite helpful. In addition, we read Molly Bang's book "When
Sophie Gets Angry, Really, Really Angrey" together (over and over) and
discussed it. We often brought it out right after a tantrum.

We also had been taking his older brother to tae kwon do, and the
aggressive one *really* wanted to do it too. We told him that he had to
be 4 AND he had to NEVER hit or kick anyone for a whole month, or tae
kwon do would be too dangerous. This was incentive for him, and he
worked hard on finding other outlets for his anger. (Not sure if this
will work in the absence of an older brother, of course :-)

Keep giving him words to use when he's angry and discussing emotions.
It's sure to help.

--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.

Regression is related to a lack of physical pleasure. I can't go into
detail much as this is forbidden knowledge among the general public.
Colleges lose their funding, People get charged with old inquazition
laws, and teachers lose there jobs for discussing the topic to much.

Sociatal taboos must not be challanged.

Ruth Shear wrote:

I just bought the Spirited Child book and am reading it.

Given what you said about him being strong willed, needing control, and not
taking no for an answer you'll probably like that book :-)

My first (whom the book didn't apply to that was my other one) went through
a aggressive phase during a time when he experienced a lot of change and
stress. He was a tad younger and couldn't talk much at all (he talked late)
so we didn't do as many of the verbal suggestions but they are good ideas
too. He also wasn't creative enough to get into scribbling or role playing
but sounds good in general :-) I did teach him to say "I'm upset!" and that
was very useful about 3 months after the fact. It took that long to teach
it but I was very glad he had that skill. I'd take that very seriously and
every time he said that I would offer support etc. It was a tool he used
for 2 years. My second could talk perfectly but only recently has he been
able to give a reason for why he is upset (he'll be 4 in a week).

Other things we did:

1) Close shadowing during times when aggression was most likely. We'd
intercept or catch him and hold his hands saying "Gentle hands. If you
can't be keep them gentle I'll help". He mostly hit. That worked fantastic
when timeouts and other methods were complete failures.
2) Took a step back to look at his whole life and made the following
adjustments
More onene time with daddy
More rough house play - wrestling and things like that
More active play that elicited lots of emotion (hide and seek for
instance...he wasn't overly active like my second so he didn't get that
energy out if we didn't facillitate it to some extent).
3) More attention to when he ate and slept. We never solved the sleep thing
but we did start offering him food before our identifed rough spells. He
never asked for food.
4) Babysitters kid hit a lot. We worked together on a way to address that
so that Hunter wasn't getting the idea it was OK or ignored.

Good luck! Luke bit - that was way worse :-P.

--
Nikki

In article ,
Ruth Shear wrote:

DS had a similar problem at the same age, but his aggro was random and sudden.
For example, I'd be drying him after a bath, having a normal happy
conversation, and he'd suddenly try to bite me. His answers were the same as
you are getting, so I suspect that at this particular stage, they can't
analyse their motives after the event. At any rate, it was very disturbing.
I can cope with an angry child wanting to vent their anger in inappropriate
ways -- but anger with no obvious source is really spooky.

My eventual conclusion was that the daycare I was using was teh problem, but
it was noticeably unsatisfactory -- unstimulating, not very loving, etc etc.
My guess is that all the changes in your DS's life have led to similar
unsettled behaviour, unless the absence of an intellectual peer (ie, an equal
friendship) is the problem.

What worked for us:

We changed day cares after the summer holidays (which were a bit extended for
us as DH was unemployed). DH spent a lot of time with DS, often burning off
the excess energy. Aggressive behaviour was punished with time-out (smacking
led to an escalation of aggression, unsurprisingly) in the toilet (ie a safe
but boring spot). DS *hated* being put by himself. He was always cuddled
after time-out and told again the reason for his being put there.

The combination of better attention and focussing on aggressive misbehaviour
helped a great deal. Five months later, DS is still finding transitions of
any kind difficult, though -- doesn't matter if it's getting into the bath or
me farewelling him at day care. A friend recently suggested that DS is
probably well aware that another big change is afoot, even though he doesn't
quite understand what The New Baby will entail, and therefore he clings to
things. You may find the same thing with your DS later on: too many changes
are hard for anyone to cope with. Stay tuned for how we survive this one! We
do have a family joke going about how the day care gives the kids rocks and
dirt for lunch and locks them in cupboards...

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

"In Melbourne there is plenty of vigour and eagerness, but there is
nothing worth being eager or vigorous about."
Francis Adams, The Australians, 1893.

On Thu, 14 Apr 2005 00:13:00 +1000, Chookie
wrote:

The combination of better attention and focussing on aggressive misbehaviour
helped a great deal. Five months later, DS is still finding transitions of
any kind difficult, though -- doesn't matter if it's getting into the bath or
me farewelling him at day care. A friend recently suggested that DS is
probably well aware that another big change is afoot, even though he doesn't
quite understand what The New Baby will entail, and therefore he clings to
things. You may find the same thing with your DS later on: too many changes
are hard for anyone to cope with. Stay tuned for how we survive this one! We
do have a family joke going about how the day care gives the kids rocks and
dirt for lunch and locks them in cupboards...

You may find that transitions are easier to manage if you:

Go over your daily schedule with him in the morning each day.
This can give him a reminder of what is going to happen later on.
If your schedule is reasonably similar most days, you can make
picture cards for a child too young to read by cutting out pictures
of the normal activities and putting them on a poster.

Example:
Wake up time - getting dressed
Breakfast
play time or school time
Lunch
Nap
more playtime or school time
(trips to the store, etc could be
included)
bath time
teeth brushing
story reading
bedtime, etc.

If he knows what is coming next, that can help.

Also always give warnings of transitions. A five minute warning
to finish up an activity can be really helpful. If a child can't tell
time yet, use a buzzer or a song that lasts that amount of time and
say *when the buzzer rings, we will need to go to.....*

Have a *transitional* activity that the child can do to help him
make the transition. He can move a magnet or a postit note
from the activity he is finishing to the activity that is next if you
make a chart of activities.

When a transition needs to be made, get down on the child's
level and speak to him directly rather than yelling from across
the room.

Remember that even adults have difficulty with large changes
so it's only to be expected the children will have similar
difficulties and that they will act angry and upset for a while
when the changes are happening, especially if the changes
impact them negatively, but even when the changes are happy
ones, change is stressful.

Remember to give lots of positive attention when a child
manages a transition well.

Good luck.



--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

Nikki wrote:
Ruth Shear wrote:

I just bought the Spirited Child book and am reading it.

Given what you said about him being strong willed, needing control,
and not
taking no for an answer you'll probably like that book :-)

I also really liked "Kids, Parents and Power Struggles" by the same
author - I highly recommend it (and need to actually buy a copy, since
I read the library's copy. It is chock full of suggestions - too many
to absorb on one reading!)

Irene

G'day

Thanks everyone for the feedback. It was just what I needed to hear.
That others of you have btdt, and especially Dorothy reminding me that
he doesn't know why he is doing these things. I think I knew that, I
guess I forget at times how young he really is. 8-)

The good news is that we have had three great days in a row at daycare
with no aggression at all. He tells me proudly at the end of the day
that he was gentle with his friends today.

We are working on talking about emotions, I've ordered the book Hilary
suggested. DH is back from his trip. We are not talking nonstop about
the new baby on the way unless he brings it up. Every morning he
whispers a secret in my ear "there's an embryo in your tummy, mummy". I
act surprised each time. LOL.

DrRuth

Ruth Shear ) writes:
The good news is that we have had three great days in a row at daycare
with no aggression at all. He tells me proudly at the end of the day
that he was gentle with his friends today.

Excellent!

You can talk to him about "self-control". You can explain
what it is and show him what you look like when you're
practicing self-control -- sort-of going "rrr!"
and tensing up and not hitting someone even though you
feel like you want to. You can tell him that he's
developping self-control and getting good at it.
Then he can feel proud of himself.

Another good book to read together with him is
"The Mad Family Gets Their Mads Out".

Giving him lots of focussed one-on-one attention will
probably help. Making sure he has lots and
lots of exercise will probably help.

Instead of asking "why did you do tthat?",
you can ask him "what are you feeling?". Oh, he probably
can't answer tha, either.
You can give him a choice of a number of
words ("which are you feeling? Angry, furious,
irked, annoyed, restless, irritated, or frustrated?")
or even better, show him a row of cartoon
faces with various types of angry looks
(from a bit angry to very angry), and
ask him which one he feels like.
Then get him to role-play expressing that
feeling properly: "That's mine! I'm angry!"
--
Cathy
A *much* better world is possible.