When will It stop?

I have suffered from PND since the birth of my first son. He is now two

and I still have not got a grip on why I want to die on a daily basis.
I just want the ground to open up and swallow me. Why do I still feel
like a the worse mum in the world and that my beautiful, enchanting and

wonderful son would be better if I was not here. I feel like I am going

to infect him with my failure. I want him to be such a wonderful
succesful man and have a wonderful life. How can he be with me as his
mum. This is the first time I have properly written how I truly feel
and how it is affecting me. I have a little first aid kit at home with
all the necessary things in and few additional items. A razor, scissors

and sellotape. The razor is for when I am so digusting in myself I want

to cut my flesh off and I do. The scissors when I cannot stop crying
and just want to die and the sellotape to tape the cuts back up when I
am finished. Why me?? Why do I have to feel like this? Why can't I just

enjoy my baby and be happy?