Moments that break your heart.....

Yesterday, being the holiday that it was in the US, we did the obligatory calls
to family and close friends. T (15 YO) had no problem calling my mother or my
step-father (whom he'd spent 3 weeks with this summer and loved it) or our
friends.....

When I suggested calling his paternal grandparents and father, his words broke
my heart....
"why should I bother when they haven't bothered to call me?"
As my heart was hurting for my not-so-little boy, I came up with every excuse
in the book .... Nada, he wasn't buying it.

The fact is..... he's right..... and it kills me.

Just my 2 cents.........
Christine

ubject: Moments that break your heart.....
From: unya (Purchgdss)
Date: 11/26/2004 4:21 PM Eastern Standard Time
Message-id:

Yesterday, being the holiday that it was in the US, we did the obligatory
calls
to family and close friends. T (15 YO) had no problem calling my mother or
my
step-father (whom he'd spent 3 weeks with this summer and loved it) or our
friends.....

When I suggested calling his paternal grandparents and father, his words
broke
my heart....
"why should I bother when they haven't bothered to call me?"
As my heart was hurting for my not-so-little boy, I came up with every excuse
in the book .... Nada, he wasn't buying it.

The fact is..... he's right..... and it kills me.

Just my 2 cents.........
Christine

(((Christine)))), Yes it is heartbreaking when a child matures to the
realization that they are treated so poorly by people that should know better
than to treat a child this way.
When our girls were younger and didn't recognise thier dads handwriting was not
even on the birthday cards or gifts they received it wasn't so bad.......now
that they are 23 and 17 they "get it" and even have told him "don't bother if
you can't even sign your own name". I use to say now, now he is still your
dad...now I just say I am sorry, but it still breaks my heart as well that they
have to go through this.
Bev

"Purchgdss" wrote in message
...
Yesterday, being the holiday that it was in the US, we did the obligatory
calls
to family and close friends. T (15 YO) had no problem calling my mother or
my
step-father (whom he'd spent 3 weeks with this summer and loved it) or our
friends.....

When I suggested calling his paternal grandparents and father, his words
broke
my heart....
"why should I bother when they haven't bothered to call me?"
As my heart was hurting for my not-so-little boy, I came up with every
excuse
in the book .... Nada, he wasn't buying it.

The fact is..... he's right..... and it kills me.

Just my 2 cents.........
Christine

It will get better.
((((CHRISTINE))))
V

"Purchgdss" wrote in message
...
Yesterday, being the holiday that it was in the US, we did the obligatory
calls
to family and close friends. T (15 YO) had no problem calling my mother
or my
step-father (whom he'd spent 3 weeks with this summer and loved it) or our
friends.....

When I suggested calling his paternal grandparents and father, his words
broke
my heart....
"why should I bother when they haven't bothered to call me?"
As my heart was hurting for my not-so-little boy, I came up with every
excuse
in the book .... Nada, he wasn't buying it.

The fact is..... he's right..... and it kills me.

Just my 2 cents.........
Christine

Ah geez, I'm sorry. Give him a super big hug for me and here's one for you
too. (((Christine)))

Christine

- because we treat other people the way that we would like to be
treated?


Yep. Gave him that one.

- because he's your father

Ditto here.

- because not calling will not make things better. Calling might make
things better. That makes it the better choice.


That's an interesting one.... I will try that this week.

How about not asking when it's not a choice?

How is that? Call his father/paternal grandparents first? Yes, I've done that
too. Dumb-asses (excuse the french) said "Thanks for the call, T" and got me
busted.

Or making it seem like a
pleasant, nice thing to do instead of a chore? "I know your father
will be expecting your call" or "I know your father's always happy to
hear from you."

Yeah, that works until Dad says to him "It's not a good time right now, I'll
call you back"..... He's still waiting from the last one.


Wouldn't it be silly to have everyone sit around waiting to be
called... all with hurt feelings thinking that *so and so* didn't care
enough to call me?

See above.

BTW, I totally get that his father could do a better job of staying in
touch with his son but maybe he needs an invitation to do that. For
example, your son can ask if it would be ok with his dad if he calls
him every Wednesday at 8 pm. Sometimes kids *can* fix the parent. They
can teach us new ways. They often bring new and different things home
from their friends' homes. He's really too young to give up hope.
When his father's dead, then he can give up hope. Plenty of kids
around nowdays who wouldn't mind having even a **** ass dad to call.

'Kate

Yes, we've done the scheduled call thing, but it's worse when the
parent/grandparents don't hold to it. I have seen too many times T has sat on
pins and needles for hours expecting the call that never comes or when he
calls, it's not a good time.

I don't doubt many kids would love to get a call froma ****-assed
Dad/Grandparents.... I know mine WOULD. That's what kills me. He has sooooo
much to tell them these days.... That he's passed driver's ed and behind the
wheel, getting his driver's permit, how well he's doing in JROTC, etc.

They don't know what they are missing, he's becoming a man so fast...

Just my 2 cents.........
Christine

"Purchgdss" wrote in message
...
snip

Yeah, that works until Dad says to him "It's not a good time right now, I'll
call you back"..... He's still waiting from the last one.
snip

That is my problem. I have the kids call and he says, "hey I will call such
and such a night." If he does, it is late and he knows how early we all get up
(since we have discussed the late calling issue). It seems to always be on HIS
time. It is not about HIM , but about the KIDS.
Errrr.
V

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On 26 Nov 2004 21:21:28 GMT, unya (Purchgdss) wrote:

Yesterday, being the holiday that it was in the US, we did the
obligatory calls
to family and close friends. T (15 YO) had no problem calling my
mother or my
step-father (whom he'd spent 3 weeks with this summer and loved it) or
our
friends.....

When I suggested calling his paternal grandparents and father, his words
broke
my heart....
"why should I bother when they haven't bothered to call me?"
As my heart was hurting for my not-so-little boy, I came up with every
excuse
in the book .... Nada, he wasn't buying it.

The fact is..... he's right..... and it kills me.

Just my 2 cents.........
Christine

- because we treat other people the way that we would like to be
treated?

- because he's your father

- because not calling will not make things better. Calling might make
things better. That makes it the better choice.

How about not asking when it's not a choice? Or making it seem like a
pleasant, nice thing to do instead of a chore? "I know your father
will be expecting your call" or "I know your father's always happy to
hear from you."

Wouldn't it be silly to have everyone sit around waiting to be
called... all with hurt feelings thinking that *so and so* didn't care
enough to call me?

BTW, I totally get that his father could do a better job of staying in
touch with his son but maybe he needs an invitation to do that. For
example, your son can ask if it would be ok with his dad if he calls
him every Wednesday at 8 pm. Sometimes kids *can* fix the parent. They
can teach us new ways. They often bring new and different things home
from their friends' homes. He's really too young to give up hope.
When his father's dead, then he can give up hope. Plenty of kids
around nowdays who wouldn't mind having even a **** ass dad to call.

'Kate

Excellent advice Kate :-)

"'Kate" wrote in message
news
On 27 Nov 2004 14:09:52 GMT, unya (Purchgdss) wrote:

- because we treat other people the way that we would like to be
treated?


Yep. Gave him that one.

- because he's your father

Ditto here.

- because not calling will not make things better. Calling might make
things better. That makes it the better choice.


That's an interesting one.... I will try that this week.

How about not asking when it's not a choice?

How is that? Call his father/paternal grandparents first? Yes, I've done
that
too. Dumb-asses (excuse the french) said "Thanks for the call, T" and got
me
busted.

Or making it seem like a
pleasant, nice thing to do instead of a chore? "I know your father
will be expecting your call" or "I know your father's always happy to
hear from you."

Yeah, that works until Dad says to him "It's not a good time right now,
I'll
call you back"..... He's still waiting from the last one.

I totally understand that it is sad and frustrating. But I would hate
to see him give up on his dad. They would both lose too much.

'Kate

Yeah I see your point Kate but seems like he's already done HIS part.

Christine

"Purchgdss" wrote in message


When I suggested calling his paternal grandparents and father, his words
broke
my heart....
"why should I bother when they haven't bothered to call me?"

Is this a new senario?

Freddie and his mother and Freddie and his grandparents never call each
other from our house. Never. Birthdays, Christmas, anytime.
OK so Freddie is almost 9 and does not know any better. I also rarely prompt
him to phone, in fact he has never phoned his maternal g'parents. They have
never phoned him here either. Not sure about at his mothers but it's not my
job to "cover" for the absent parent these days. I used to but I decided
that it can do neither Freddie or I any good in the long run.
Freddie's mother is hardly "absent" now anyway. They see each other every
week now and Freddie stays there for two nights minimum!
Not bad for a mother who never phones her son!

Dennis

On Sat, 27 Nov 2004 18:22:24 GMT, "CME"
wrote:

Yeah I see your point Kate but seems like he's already done HIS part.

Christine


I don't view parent/child relationships as not worth the effort until
either the child or the parent is dead. I understand that it's
difficult to keep trying though. But it's even harder to live with
having lost hope that the relationship will improve and there's
satisfaction from knowing that we did our best even if it doesn't work
out.

'Kate

Agreed. That's why I keep trying to get them together. But other than the
suggestion and the "prompting", I won't dial the phone for him anymore. But I
will keep trying....

I guess this time of year always gets to me worst for my son.... We go thru
this in varying degrees all year long (and have for MANY Many years)....

I'm sorry, I guess it was just a "vent".

But thanks for the idea.... I will try that one this or next week.

Just my 2 cents.........
Christine