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  #1  
Old January 11th 07, 08:58 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Anonymous
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 1
Default Need Other Opinions

I don't have alot of close friends anymore for good reasons, but I'm in a
spot and need some outside opinions on the matter. Approximately two years
ago I started a job at a company where I had alot of one on one with my
employer. I was married though not happily, with children. To shed some
light on my situation, I met my husband when I was 19 or so during a really
bad time in my life. We did drugs together, although this was something new
to me - I lived very responsibly up until the time I met him. I got pregnant
and had my first child. We moved in together with his mom and did so until
my daughter was around three or four.

He was verbally and physically abusive to me at times and I began to do drugs
again. I was severly depressed and even suicidal. One day I decided I
needed help and went into a woman's home and turned my life around. I left
her dad and we moved in to an apartment and attended church. This was my
life...my daughter, church. Well I was offered a job as the pastor's
secretary and started when my daughter was around four. Approximately a year
after I started the job, my daughters father tried to get back into our lives.
I found myself giving in to him and one day, slept with him again. I ended
up pregnant again and felt so bad because here I was the church secretary,
unmarried and PREGNANT!

I went to the pastor, expecting him to fire me, but he didnt' he extended
grace and offered to counsel me and her father. Well needless to say we
ended up getting married. So, begins the problem. We had been married over
three years when I started this job. In the first few months alot of
physical attraction occurred but nothing was acted upon. My boss showered
me with compliments and always made me feel confident and good about myself.
My husband on the other hand treated me as a roomate, we didn't sleep
together, he worked nights and I days, we basically lived like roomates. I
knew I was in a vulnerable place with my boss, but it felt so good. He was
charming and I know now that charm is so deceptive.... so fleeting. Anyway,
I think it's important you know everything to give me a proper perspective.


I found myself looking forward to going to work. When my boss would come in
sometimes, he would sit in a chair and just chit chat watching me work. We
really opened up to each other and became friends. He once told me that when
I worked at the church, he would sometimes go up to my office and sit at my
desk and look at how I laid out my desk. My initial response was, a weird
feeling, but then I was so attention starved that I was completely flattered
that he took the time to think of me.

I honestly got so infatuated with him that my life at home was miserable. I
began smoking and got severely depressed although he never would have known.
He would have been shocked to know that the happy cheerful person that would
come into the office would sometimes cry myself to sleep and smoke a pack of
cigarrettes when the kids went to bed. You have to know that he showered me
with compliments and knew exactly what I needed. The funny thing is we
started fooling around physically and making out like high-schoolers, but he
never wanted to sleep with me, I really wanted to... But he wouldn't have it.


This was all during the summer and for months we carried on like this,
sometimes he would close the office sometimes three times or more a week and
he would take me shopping or to the beach. We had restaurants that we
frequented - well you get the picture. This went on for months and I knew he
dated people and because I was married I didn't care, besides we were just
having fun - right? Well after a while, we began having sex, not often, but
we did. During this time, he would often say things to me that insinuated
that he would welcome a future with me. Keep in mind our whole relationship
is a closet thing... No one at the church could know what was going on and my
husband didnt' attend church so I WAS A SECRET. I stopped attending church
for about 6-7 months because I couldnt handle the guilt... It was during
this time about a year after I started that I began to feel that I didnt want
to be his side thing. I felt used and here at his convenience, so I voiced
it to him that if he wanted to sleep with me I wasn't okay with him going out
with other people.

Well I then found out by accident that he actually had a girlfriend. They
had been together a year or so and she attended church with us. I was
shocked, but i felt I had no right since I was married, but i felt he knew it
going into it.. To me he wasn't honest about his other relationship. And he
was living a double life being a leader in the church and sleeping with me.
I had since this time confessed everything to my husband and decided that I
wanted a divorce.. My boss had constantly been saying that for us to be
together I knew what I needed to do, although I don't think he actually
thought I would do it.

I moved out about a year and a half after all this began. But I basically
told him where I stood and gave him the ultimatum of ending what we had if he
continued to see this girl.

Now almost two years since this all began, we have entered a committed
relationship, I'm divorced, and we're together. We have been having problems
recently and both of us have trust issues, as you can imagine. I've met his
family and always attend things that he wants me to attend, etc. He on the
other hand won't attend my family functions although he spends time with my
kids and so on....

Here is my problem... I feel like he's with me out of guilt, I don't think he
actually thought I would leave my husband. Maybe now feels obligated to me???
I on the other hand fell deeply in love with him and although he says he
loves me - Not in about three months, He no longer shows me any affection and
is almost night and day from a year ago. I know things change, but when I
talk to him now, theres no tenderness in his voice and I almost feel as if
I'm bothering him. Other than this he still makes time to get together, he
wants me with him at his family functions and honestly everything I've asked
of him, he's done. I feel that he loves me sometimes, but lately I feel as
if I left one situation only to walk into the same thing, only now, he's not
the father of my children and he's fifteen year's older than me, so he's not
as patient with my shortcomings, etc.

Can anyone offer some opinions? He used to always call me to check on me,
now I'm lucky to get a phone call... What's going on?

  #2  
Old January 12th 07, 01:44 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
Tiffany
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 11
Default Need Other Opinions

Well, holy ****. Why did you post this in a single parent forum? You don't
even mention the effects of your horrible actions on your poor children
once.

You can't expect a relationship born out of deceit to be a good one.

There isn't much to say. You know in your heart that its all wrong. It is
wrong on so many levels, I can't even begin to have time to cover it all.
Maybe if I get a week off anytime soon.

Good luck.

T
"Anonymous" u30876@uwe wrote in message news:6c22ac986ce82@uwe...
I don't have alot of close friends anymore for good reasons, but I'm in a
spot and need some outside opinions on the matter. Approximately two years
ago I started a job at a company where I had alot of one on one with my
employer. I was married though not happily, with children. To shed some
light on my situation, I met my husband when I was 19 or so during a really
bad time in my life. We did drugs together, although this was something new
to me - I lived very responsibly up until the time I met him. I got
pregnant
and had my first child. We moved in together with his mom and did so until
my daughter was around three or four.

He was verbally and physically abusive to me at times and I began to do
drugs
again. I was severly depressed and even suicidal. One day I decided I
needed help and went into a woman's home and turned my life around. I left
her dad and we moved in to an apartment and attended church. This was my
life...my daughter, church. Well I was offered a job as the pastor's
secretary and started when my daughter was around four. Approximately a
year
after I started the job, my daughters father tried to get back into our
lives.
I found myself giving in to him and one day, slept with him again. I ended
up pregnant again and felt so bad because here I was the church secretary,
unmarried and PREGNANT!

I went to the pastor, expecting him to fire me, but he didnt' he extended
grace and offered to counsel me and her father. Well needless to say we
ended up getting married. So, begins the problem. We had been married
over
three years when I started this job. In the first few months alot of
physical attraction occurred but nothing was acted upon. My boss showered
me with compliments and always made me feel confident and good about myself.
My husband on the other hand treated me as a roomate, we didn't sleep
together, he worked nights and I days, we basically lived like roomates. I
knew I was in a vulnerable place with my boss, but it felt so good. He was
charming and I know now that charm is so deceptive.... so fleeting. Anyway,
I think it's important you know everything to give me a proper perspective.


I found myself looking forward to going to work. When my boss would come in
sometimes, he would sit in a chair and just chit chat watching me work. We
really opened up to each other and became friends. He once told me that
when
I worked at the church, he would sometimes go up to my office and sit at my
desk and look at how I laid out my desk. My initial response was, a weird
feeling, but then I was so attention starved that I was completely flattered
that he took the time to think of me.

I honestly got so infatuated with him that my life at home was miserable. I
began smoking and got severely depressed although he never would have known.
He would have been shocked to know that the happy cheerful person that would
come into the office would sometimes cry myself to sleep and smoke a pack of
cigarrettes when the kids went to bed. You have to know that he showered me
with compliments and knew exactly what I needed. The funny thing is we
started fooling around physically and making out like high-schoolers, but he
never wanted to sleep with me, I really wanted to... But he wouldn't have
it.


This was all during the summer and for months we carried on like this,
sometimes he would close the office sometimes three times or more a week and
he would take me shopping or to the beach. We had restaurants that we
frequented - well you get the picture. This went on for months and I knew
he
dated people and because I was married I didn't care, besides we were just
having fun - right? Well after a while, we began having sex, not often,
but
we did. During this time, he would often say things to me that insinuated
that he would welcome a future with me. Keep in mind our whole
relationship
is a closet thing... No one at the church could know what was going on and
my
husband didnt' attend church so I WAS A SECRET. I stopped attending church
for about 6-7 months because I couldnt handle the guilt... It was during
this time about a year after I started that I began to feel that I didnt
want
to be his side thing. I felt used and here at his convenience, so I voiced
it to him that if he wanted to sleep with me I wasn't okay with him going
out
with other people.

Well I then found out by accident that he actually had a girlfriend. They
had been together a year or so and she attended church with us. I was
shocked, but i felt I had no right since I was married, but i felt he knew
it
going into it.. To me he wasn't honest about his other relationship. And
he
was living a double life being a leader in the church and sleeping with me.
I had since this time confessed everything to my husband and decided that I
wanted a divorce.. My boss had constantly been saying that for us to be
together I knew what I needed to do, although I don't think he actually
thought I would do it.

I moved out about a year and a half after all this began. But I basically
told him where I stood and gave him the ultimatum of ending what we had if
he
continued to see this girl.

Now almost two years since this all began, we have entered a committed
relationship, I'm divorced, and we're together. We have been having
problems
recently and both of us have trust issues, as you can imagine. I've met his
family and always attend things that he wants me to attend, etc. He on the
other hand won't attend my family functions although he spends time with my
kids and so on....

Here is my problem... I feel like he's with me out of guilt, I don't think
he
actually thought I would leave my husband. Maybe now feels obligated to
me???
I on the other hand fell deeply in love with him and although he says he
loves me - Not in about three months, He no longer shows me any affection
and
is almost night and day from a year ago. I know things change, but when I
talk to him now, theres no tenderness in his voice and I almost feel as if
I'm bothering him. Other than this he still makes time to get together, he
wants me with him at his family functions and honestly everything I've asked
of him, he's done. I feel that he loves me sometimes, but lately I feel as
if I left one situation only to walk into the same thing, only now, he's not
the father of my children and he's fifteen year's older than me, so he's not
as patient with my shortcomings, etc.

Can anyone offer some opinions? He used to always call me to check on me,
now I'm lucky to get a phone call... What's going on?


  #3  
Old January 12th 07, 08:28 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents
xkatx
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 103
Default Need Other Opinions


"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Fri, 12 Jan 2007 12:44:06 GMT, "Tiffany" the
following was posted in blue dry erase marker:

Well, holy ****. Why did you post this in a single parent forum? You don't
even mention the effects of your horrible actions on your poor children
once.

You can't expect a relationship born out of deceit to be a good one.

There isn't much to say. You know in your heart that its all wrong. It is
wrong on so many levels, I can't even begin to have time to cover it all.
Maybe if I get a week off anytime soon.

Good luck.

T


sorry for tagging on.. I'm not sure why but I never saw the text in the
original post.

"Anonymous" u30876@uwe wrote in message news:6c22ac986ce82@uwe...
I don't have alot of close friends anymore for good reasons, but I'm in a
spot and need some outside opinions on the matter. Approximately two
years
ago I started a job at a company where I had alot of one on one with my
employer. I was married though not happily, with children. To shed some
light on my situation, I met my husband when I was 19 or so during a
really
bad time in my life. We did drugs together, although this was something
new
to me - I lived very responsibly up until the time I met him. I got
pregnant
and had my first child. We moved in together with his mom and did so
until
my daughter was around three or four.

He was verbally and physically abusive to me at times and I began to do
drugs
again. I was severly depressed and even suicidal. One day I decided I
needed help and went into a woman's home and turned my life around. I
left
her dad and we moved in to an apartment and attended church. This was my
life...my daughter, church. Well I was offered a job as the pastor's
secretary and started when my daughter was around four. Approximately a
year
after I started the job, my daughters father tried to get back into our
lives.
I found myself giving in to him and one day, slept with him again. I
ended
up pregnant again and felt so bad because here I was the church secretary,
unmarried and PREGNANT!

I went to the pastor, expecting him to fire me, but he didnt' he extended
grace and offered to counsel me and her father. Well needless to say we
ended up getting married. So, begins the problem. We had been married
over
three years when I started this job. In the first few months alot of
physical attraction occurred but nothing was acted upon. My boss
showered
me with compliments and always made me feel confident and good about
myself.
My husband on the other hand treated me as a roomate, we didn't sleep
together, he worked nights and I days, we basically lived like roomates.
I
knew I was in a vulnerable place with my boss, but it felt so good. He
was
charming and I know now that charm is so deceptive.... so fleeting.
Anyway,
I think it's important you know everything to give me a proper
perspective.


I found myself looking forward to going to work. When my boss would come
in
sometimes, he would sit in a chair and just chit chat watching me work.
We
really opened up to each other and became friends. He once told me that
when
I worked at the church, he would sometimes go up to my office and sit at
my
desk and look at how I laid out my desk. My initial response was, a weird
feeling, but then I was so attention starved that I was completely
flattered
that he took the time to think of me.

I honestly got so infatuated with him that my life at home was miserable.
I
began smoking and got severely depressed although he never would have
known.
He would have been shocked to know that the happy cheerful person that
would
come into the office would sometimes cry myself to sleep and smoke a pack
of
cigarrettes when the kids went to bed. You have to know that he showered
me
with compliments and knew exactly what I needed. The funny thing is we
started fooling around physically and making out like high-schoolers, but
he
never wanted to sleep with me, I really wanted to... But he wouldn't have
it.


This was all during the summer and for months we carried on like this,
sometimes he would close the office sometimes three times or more a week
and
he would take me shopping or to the beach. We had restaurants that we
frequented - well you get the picture. This went on for months and I knew
he
dated people and because I was married I didn't care, besides we were just
having fun - right? Well after a while, we began having sex, not often,
but
we did. During this time, he would often say things to me that
insinuated
that he would welcome a future with me. Keep in mind our whole
relationship
is a closet thing... No one at the church could know what was going on and
my
husband didnt' attend church so I WAS A SECRET. I stopped attending
church
for about 6-7 months because I couldnt handle the guilt... It was during
this time about a year after I started that I began to feel that I didnt
want
to be his side thing. I felt used and here at his convenience, so I
voiced
it to him that if he wanted to sleep with me I wasn't okay with him going
out
with other people.

Well I then found out by accident that he actually had a girlfriend. They
had been together a year or so and she attended church with us. I was
shocked, but i felt I had no right since I was married, but i felt he knew
it
going into it.. To me he wasn't honest about his other relationship. And
he
was living a double life being a leader in the church and sleeping with
me.
I had since this time confessed everything to my husband and decided that
I
wanted a divorce.. My boss had constantly been saying that for us to be
together I knew what I needed to do, although I don't think he actually
thought I would do it.

I moved out about a year and a half after all this began. But I basically
told him where I stood and gave him the ultimatum of ending what we had if
he
continued to see this girl.

Now almost two years since this all began, we have entered a committed
relationship, I'm divorced, and we're together. We have been having
problems
recently and both of us have trust issues, as you can imagine. I've met
his
family and always attend things that he wants me to attend, etc. He on
the
other hand won't attend my family functions although he spends time with
my
kids and so on....

Here is my problem... I feel like he's with me out of guilt, I don't think
he
actually thought I would leave my husband. Maybe now feels obligated to
me???
I on the other hand fell deeply in love with him and although he says he
loves me - Not in about three months, He no longer shows me any affection
and
is almost night and day from a year ago. I know things change, but when I
talk to him now, theres no tenderness in his voice and I almost feel as if
I'm bothering him. Other than this he still makes time to get together,
he
wants me with him at his family functions and honestly everything I've
asked
of him, he's done. I feel that he loves me sometimes, but lately I feel
as
if I left one situation only to walk into the same thing, only now, he's
not
the father of my children and he's fifteen year's older than me, so he's
not
as patient with my shortcomings, etc.

Can anyone offer some opinions? He used to always call me to check on
me,
now I'm lucky to get a phone call... What's going on?


You cheated. You married a cheater. Of course there are trust issues.

The common factor in all these different situations is *you* and it
looks like you have some work to do to figure out why you're so easily
manipulated into doing what you clearly know is wrong.

Get thee to marriage counseling. If your husband will not go, then go
alone. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT use pastoral counseling and do not see
a male therapist.


Check the kids in as well. Clearly, this is as healthy to them as it is to
live in a trash can.


 




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