postnatal visitors

In article , says...
Abi wrote:

Hi,

I recently gave birth to a baby girl (just under 2 weeks ago), and I
have had a hard time trying to fight off visitors. It started when I
had only been home from the hospital one hour and someone turned up
unannounced to see the baby. Then friends and family asked to come
over every day since then, which I have let them do.
It just amazes me why they all act like starving men in a restuarant -
why cant they just wait for a few weeks - it's not as if I am planning
on leaving the country or anything. To make matters worse is that even
if I say I am not feeling well (I had mastitis with a high fever),
they still insist on coming over to see the baby. It's as if no one
cares about my feelings and whether I feel up to having visitors. For
once, I would like people to come through the door and ask me first
how I am feeling and then go and see the baby afterwards.
I expected those people who have had kids to understand, but they dont
seem to.

Apropos of this thread, I have to weigh in from
the other side. While I think that it's rude for people
to rush in and impose themselves early on, especially if
the new parents aren't feeling up to it, I think the
pendulum has swung awfully far in the other direction
with people closing their doors to everyone for weeks.
I understand there are some really pushy and annoying
people out there, but I just spent this afternoon
consoling a grandma-to-be who was sobbing at having
heard that her daughter wasn't even going to call
until it was all over because she didn't want anyone
around. This poor woman is the nicest, least pushy
person you'd ever meet (actually, truth be told, she's
a bit too much of a doormat).

Just to chime in here, you don't really know what a person behaves like
as a mother unless she is your mother. My mother is very sociable,
hates to impose on others who are not immediate family, and everyone
just loves her when they meet her - she saves her bossy imposing side
for her children!!! Of course I love her too, but I would not want her
anywhere near the hospital during labor!!

-kim

She hasn't even asked
to be in the delivery room or to stay at their home
or anything. She only wants to be in the hospital
and have a little peek at the baby after the birth,
and then she's willing to go home! She had a rough
birth with her only daughter, and she's scared her
daughter will have a rough birth and she simply wants
to be there in case there are serious problems, rather
than getting a terrifying call that there are
serious complications in the middle of the night
when she's a couple hundred miles away. But
no, somehow that's too much to ask. My heart just
breaks for her. Hell, she was at MY last birth, and
she was quiet and unobtrusive as a mouse. Now, she'll
spend the weeks around her daughter's due date
sad and scared. What a lovely way to become a
grandma, and what a nice way to treat your mother.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Iuil wrote:


OK, what are the mom-to-be's ILs like??

I've met them once or twice, but don't know them
all that well. It might be a factor.

We had to put up barriers for everyone because of a few people (remaining
nameless ;-) ) who would have been totally intrusive and yet don't
understand that my relationship with my mother, my grandmother and my sister
were stronger during pg and birth than they'd ever been and way stronger
than with anyone else other than DH.

Ya know, I think that might be an instance where
I'd say screw the comparison. It seems so very unfair to
screw over someone who's done everything right because of
the inappropriate behavior of another person. I'd just
say "I want my mommy!," tell my husband to work the
diplomacy thing, and let the pieces fall where they may.

They told all and sundry it was OK to visit us in the hospital, to the point
that when the staff nurse put a 24 ban on visitors for me, they refused to
call people to tell them that they couldn't visit. I was recovering from a
c/s with pph, was having problems bfing and had mild depression already. I
had to prise my daughter out of their hands so that I could bf her before
leaving the hospital (yes, they came to visit an hour before I was
discharged). It was all we could do to convince them not to back to the
house with us, that my sister was going to be with us for the first night
and all I wanted to do was *rest* (which I don't when they're around).

I agree that this behavior is *completely* boorish and
worth of imposing a ban on their presence. It just seems a
real shame for someone blameless to have to pay the price for
it (or for you to be deprived of the presence of your mother,
if you wanted it, as a result).

Maybe the same is the case in your friend's situation and she just hasn't
picked up on it?

She is not refusing visitors after the baby is born
(as far as I know). The thing that is upsetting her mother
is that she is not willing to let her mom know when she goes
in labor or allow her mom to be in town while she is laboring.
Her mom is actually willing to leave after the baby is born
and she knows that everyone is okay and not come back until
they're willing to have visitors, and she's not asking to
be in the delivery room during labor or delivery. Even if
her MIL is a pain, it seems to me that even if she offered
her MIL what her mom is asking (no more than a brief visit
after the birth in terms of actual personal contact), she
wouldn't be out much. Maybe she's afraid of her husband
not respecting her wishes and inviting whomever in, but
one would think the hospital would help her enforce what
she needed.

Best wishes,
Ericka

toypup wrote:


I don't want anyone pacing halls anywhere.

But realistically speaking, isn't that their
business and not something you have any control over
anyway?

I didn't mind my family seeing the baby after it was born, just not the
second it was born.

Her mom wasn't asking to see the baby at delivery
or the second afterwards. She was only asking to be
in town during labor and to have an opportunity to meet
the baby before heading back home until whenever they
felt like having visitors. Personally, I think her
mother was being as sensitive and accommodating as
could be.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Kim E. wrote:


Just to chime in here, you don't really know what a person behaves like
as a mother unless she is your mother. My mother is very sociable,
hates to impose on others who are not immediate family, and everyone
just loves her when they meet her - she saves her bossy imposing side
for her children!!! Of course I love her too, but I would not want her
anywhere near the hospital during labor!!

While what you say is true in general, and I suppose
there's a theoretical possibility it's true in this case,
I have known these people since the mom-to-be was born and
they are like family to us. The grandma-to-be isn't
perfect, but she isn't the sort to be bossy or domineering
in this situation, which the mom-to-be freely admits.
I think it's possible that it's more about the MIL than
the mom, but more than that, I think it's about mom-to-be's
insecurities and her perceived need to assert her
control. But what gets lost in this analysis is what
it's doing to her mother, and that's the question I'm
asking--why is birth so different that it become so
unimportant to consider others' feelings that one doesn't
even consider compromise or enduring a small inconvenience
at a non-critical time when it would make such a huge
difference for one's own mother? I can understand it if
one's mother has behaved so badly in the past that she's
earned it, but otherwise? Is it worth the damage to the
relationship with the mother to have this expression
of distrust (because that's what it is at it's most
basic level--distrust that the mother will behave
appropriately--isn't it?).

Best wishes,
Ericka

Ericka Kammerer wrote :
...While I think that it's rude for people to rush in and
impose themselves early on, especially if the new parents
aren't feeling up to it, I think the pendulum has swung
awfully far in the other direction with people closing their
doors to everyone for weeks. I understand there are
some really pushy and annoying people out there, but ...

I can understand both sides of this issue. When facing a first birth,
everything about the future is so extraordinarily (and sometimes
frighteningly) uncertain. Even though my oldest is four and a half, I
think I can remember the overwhelming unknown-ness of what DH and I
were facing.

I also think that if one is burdened with an insane or profoundly
difficult relative, as so many are, it is very sensible to have an
across-the board ban that applies to everyone including the nut case.
During and right after birth is a lousy time to assert oneself
coherently and painfully against that one person who never listens
anyway. Better to make a blanket statement and conserve energy for a
few days or a week.

For me, early in my first pregnancy I wanted my Mommy and Daddy there
in the hospital with me -- through the whole labor and birth. Then,
as I did research on birth, I changed my mind. I didn't actually tell
my mother this, because she had to buy a ticket for when work allowed,
but I was deeply grateful that I had the baby a few days before she
arrived. I was REALLY not looking forward to that confrontation or
capitulation.

Then we didn't have visitors for a little while after our son's birth,
and that was really nice. And then, when we did have visitors, that
was really nice also. No one overstayed their welcome and people
brought gifts and food.

Then when my second was born, my mother-in-law was in the next room.
It would have been ok with me if she'd asked to come into the den with
us during the actual birth, but she didn't ask. With experience, I
knew that she was the only grandparent out of the 5 who I would allow
in the house while I was in labor. Luckily, she lives a lot closer
than the other 4 and no one was offended that she was there and they
weren't. We invited her because we expected to need her help with our
oldest. He slept through the whole thing, so she ended up helping
with the labor instead. She was GREAT.

So this time, we will probably ask her to come and no one else. And I
was actually able to TELL my Mom (now retired) that I didn't want her
here for the labor. And she took it really well. That was a big
relief.

But this time, I think I'll want visitors almost immediately. I have
two other children who will be 2 and closing in on 5. They will need
a lot of attention. And unlike the previous two times, my husband
won't be able to take meaningful time off work after the birth this
time, so I will be somewhat desperate for help with them, the house,
and even the new baby. But I'm all "experienced" now -- I'm less
territorial, less fearful of germs (good heavens, I have a preschooler
and a toddler who are going to slobber all over this new kid) and more
in need of assistance. I am also blessed with only the mildest of
craziness and PITA factor in grandparents. If one of the 5
grandparents was a complete nut job, I'm sure I would feel differently
about all of this.

--
-- Vicki
Married DH May 21, 1995. Ima shel Sullen, born 11/16/99; Chatty, born
at
home 5/19/02, and Expected, "due" September 4, 2004.

Jill wrote in message
. com...

"Lil Nicky's Mom" wrote in message
news:Acclc.347205$Ig.191740@pd7tw2no...
I had that problem too after when my son was born, but then I had made
it
CRYSTAL clear to everyone I know that I didn't want any visitors until I
was
"ready" for them.

Groan. I hate this topic! because I am soo worried. I have made it CRYSTAL
clear to everyone that I want people to be repsectful and wait - visitors
are welcome to come see the baby but ONLY on my terms.
Hope it works out for you! If you don't want visitors it should be your
choice. Heck, it's your (and your dh's) child and no one else has a "right"
to see them.
Debbie

Ericka Kammerer wrote in message
...
Abi wrote:
She only wants to be in the hospital
and have a little peek at the baby after the birth,
and then she's willing to go home!
I would have hated the thought there was someone waiting for my labour to be
over. I was 30hrs with #1 and the length of time was bad enough without
feeling mum (or someone else) was counting the minutes.


She had a rough
birth with her only daughter, and she's scared her
daughter will have a rough birth and she simply wants
to be there in case there are serious problems, rather
than getting a terrifying call that there are
serious complications in the middle of the night
when she's a couple hundred miles away. But
no, somehow that's too much to ask.
But maybe that's why the daughter doesn't want her. I have a great
relationship with my mum, but I know she couldn't cope with me being in
pain. She'd be worrying the whole time she knew I was in labour that
something had gone wrong. That would put me under pressure because I don't
like worrying her and make labour worse.

My heart just
breaks for her. Hell, she was at MY last birth, and
she was quiet and unobtrusive as a mouse. Now, she'll
spend the weeks around her daughter's due date
sad and scared. What a lovely way to become a
grandma, and what a nice way to treat your mother.
Luckily for me mum had no thoughts of being told when labour started/being
in with me. She's a good 5+hrs drive away, so if there were complications
she'd have a long drive. Doesn't mean I don't appreciate how much mum has
done for me, but to me I want as few people round as possible.
Debbie

toypup wrote in message
news:%xhlc.13061$Ia6.1745086@attbi_s03...

"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message
...
people out there, but I just spent this afternoon
consoling a grandma-to-be who was sobbing at having
heard that her daughter wasn't even going to call
until it was all over because she didn't want anyone
around. This poor woman is the nicest, least pushy
person you'd ever meet (actually, truth be told, she's
a bit too much of a doormat). She hasn't even asked
to be in the delivery room or to stay at their home
or anything. She only wants to be in the hospital
and have a little peek at the baby after the birth,
and then she's willing to go home! She had a rough
birth with her only daughter, and she's scared her
daughter will have a rough birth and she simply wants
to be there in case there are serious problems, rather
than getting a terrifying call that there are
serious complications in the middle of the night
when she's a couple hundred miles away. But

It's nothing personal on my end. I just don't want people to be standing
around when I'm in labor. Heck, I think I'd also want to be left alone on
my death bed. I don't want people seeing me vulnerable. I don't know
why.
I don't want anyone there in case of serious problems except for DH. My
mom
would make it worse because she's so anxious. I don't want anyone there
including sweetest grandma. However, I was lucky not to offend too many
people. My deliveries were so quick, there wasn't much time to notify
anyone. It bothers me that no one can understand why I want to be alone.
Apparently, I'm odd.


Agreed. (but not that you're odd:-) )
Debbie

Vicki S wrote:
But I'm all "experienced" now -- I'm less
territorial, less fearful of germs (good heavens, I have a preschooler
and a toddler who are going to slobber all over this new kid)

With respect to the territoriality and the germ
factor, then isn't it a good thing to encourage first
timers to loosen up on that front rather than encouraging
the isolation? ;-)

and more
in need of assistance. I am also blessed with only the mildest of
craziness and PITA factor in grandparents. If one of the 5
grandparents was a complete nut job, I'm sure I would feel differently
about all of this.

I certainly understand the nut job situation, and
think it's perfectly sensible to set strict boundaries in
that case. But are there *really* that many nut jobs
out there? It seems like babymoons and keeping family
at arm's length are the current fashion, not just a reaction
in families with crazy relatives.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Subject: postnatal visitors
From: (Vicki S)
Date: 5/3/2004 6:47 AM US Mountain Standard Time
Message-id:

Ericka Kammerer wrote :
...While I think that it's rude for people to rush in and
impose themselves early on, especially if the new parents
aren't feeling up to it, I think the pendulum has swung
awfully far in the other direction with people closing their
doors to everyone for weeks. I understand there are
some really pushy and annoying people out there, but ...

I can understand both sides of this issue. When facing a first birth,
everything about the future is so extraordinarily (and sometimes
frighteningly) uncertain. Even though my oldest is four and a half, I
think I can remember the overwhelming unknown-ness of what DH and I
were facing.

I also think that if one is burdened with an insane or profoundly
difficult relative, as so many are, it is very sensible to have an
across-the board ban that applies to everyone including the nut case.
During and right after birth is a lousy time to assert oneself
coherently and painfully against that one person who never listens
anyway. Better to make a blanket statement and conserve energy for a
few days or a week.

For me, early in my first pregnancy I wanted my Mommy and Daddy there
in the hospital with me -- through the whole labor and birth. Then,
as I did research on birth, I changed my mind. I didn't actually tell
my mother this, because she had to buy a ticket for when work allowed,
but I was deeply grateful that I had the baby a few days before she
arrived. I was REALLY not looking forward to that confrontation or
capitulation.

Then we didn't have visitors for a little while after our son's birth,
and that was really nice. And then, when we did have visitors, that
was really nice also. No one overstayed their welcome and people
brought gifts and food.

Then when my second was born, my mother-in-law was in the next room.
It would have been ok with me if she'd asked to come into the den with
us during the actual birth, but she didn't ask. With experience, I
knew that she was the only grandparent out of the 5 who I would allow
in the house while I was in labor. Luckily, she lives a lot closer
than the other 4 and no one was offended that she was there and they
weren't. We invited her because we expected to need her help with our
oldest. He slept through the whole thing, so she ended up helping
with the labor instead. She was GREAT.

So this time, we will probably ask her to come and no one else. And I
was actually able to TELL my Mom (now retired) that I didn't want her
here for the labor. And she took it really well. That was a big
relief.

I find it funny how alot of people will say stuff like "they took it really
well." Do you think if she had her feelings hurt she would let you know? This
happen with a friend of mine and I asked her the same thing and her replie was
"You don't know my mom, if she would have gotten her feelings hurt she would
have said something". Little did she know that her mother did get her feelings
hurt and was very upset about but wasn't about to let my friend catch on. Her
mom said to me that she had to respect her daughters wishes.

But this time, I think I'll want visitors almost immediately. I have
two other children who will be 2 and closing in on 5. They will need
a lot of attention. And unlike the previous two times, my husband
won't be able to take meaningful time off work after the birth this
time, so I will be somewhat desperate for help with them, the house,
and even the new baby. But I'm all "experienced" now -- I'm less
territorial, less fearful of germs (good heavens, I have a preschooler
and a toddler who are going to slobber all over this new kid) and more
in need of assistance. I am also blessed with only the mildest of
craziness and PITA factor in grandparents. If one of the 5
grandparents was a complete nut job, I'm sure I would feel differently
about all of this.

--
-- Vicki
Married DH May 21, 1995. Ima shel Sullen, born 11/16/99; Chatty, born
at
home 5/19/02, and Expected, "due" September 4, 2004.