Review: Alone in the Dark (1/2)

ALONE IN THE DARK
A film review by Steve Rhodes

Copyright 2005 Steve Rhodes



RATING (0 TO ****): 1/2



Need a laugh? Uwe Boll's ALONE IN THE DARK is so far off the scale bad that
the only possible reaction is to laugh at it -- and I do mean at it and not
with it. It plays like a parody-free remake of ALIENS with a GALAXY QUEST
level of intelligence. The producers apparently assume that anyone stupid
enough to buy a ticket to it can't read since Christian Slater reads the
introductory text to us as it slowly scrolls past.



The movie's preposterous explanations, about a clandestine government agency
(Bureau 713) to deal with paranormal events, about a long extinct Native
American tribe and about alien-like monsters that live in the bowels of our
planet, will leave your shaking your head and wanting a rewind button.
There are also sleeper agents who arise with zombie-like movements and
monsters who can sometimes be stopped by bullets and sometimes not. Bureau
713, for some reason, doesn't seem to have anything more powerful in its
arsenal than bullets.



Speaking of power, the dialog is powerfully awful: "It's not about the
children. It's about the survival of the species," "Just because you can't
see something, it doesn't mean it can't kill you," and "Some doors are meant
to stay shut." The acting manages to be even worse than the cheesy lines.
In addition to Slater, Tara Reid and Stephen Dorff should also hang their
heads in shame for being association with this miserable movie.



ALONE IN THE DARK runs a very long 1:36. It is rated R for "violence and
language" and would be acceptable for teenagers.



The film opens nationwide in the United States on Friday, January 28, 2005.
In the Silicon Valley, it will be showing at the AMC theaters, the Century
theaters and the Camera Cinemas.



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