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#11
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What to do when your son tell you he hates you.
On Oct 22, 8:39 am, Banty wrote:
In article . com, Beliavsky says... On Oct 22, 7:55 am, Banty wrote: snip Here's what you do. Self-inoculate yourselves. Designate yourselves the Great Asshole and Queen Bitch of the household. When he calls you names and says he hates you, nod your head(s) and say "yup", and keep right on with whatever you need to do. Banty (whose son called her a "bitch" - and answered with "hmmmmm, and that makes YOU.....?") Letting your son call you that without a severe punishment makes you a wimp in my book. That's an ego thing. A parent shouldn't be playing que-es-mas-macho. If my children called their mother that, she'd be justified in slapping them. They ought to be frightened to even think of saying such a thing. I never dreamed of calling my mother that, even though like almost all people, there are times when she is unpleasant. You never called your mother that because *she* was unpleasant?? Are you referring to her disciplining you, or (because you say "..like almost all people") just unpleasantness in general? You seem to be mixing up parenting and being the adult with a minor child, with adult-adult interaction in general. Which I think is exactly the problem here - adults taking *personally* what immature kids say out of anger or to get a reaction. Because they think of what they'd do or how they'd feel if a neighbor said the same thing. Wrong wrong wrong. A boy probably won't show women in general more respect than he shows his mother. What kind of man do you want to raise? He'll learn to respect her when she responds from a position of strength as a calm centered adult. Not by her flipping out over it and getting all hurt-feelings over it. My son has told me that he hates me more times than I care to recall, usually when I make him do his homework instead of watching TV or sleeping over at a friend's house, or when I tell him he can't have some game or another. I simply tell him that I understand that he feels that way at the moment, but its not going to change my decision, and that I love him. I'd never punish him for expressing those feelings, but I will sometimes tell him to go to his room, or go to mine, to calm down a bit. Young kids' emotions are close to the surface, so to speak. They haven't really yet learned to control them. They're going to hate -- and love -- more intensely. That's why its important for us to help them deal with them, not punish them for having such emotions. I get the feeling that wasn't quite the case with Banty's son, though. I'm guesting that he was trying to shock and/or anger her. Had she yelled, slapped, punished, etc, she would have shown him that it worked. Her quick-thinking response better defused the situation. He probably never said it again. But that's because he's older; I wouldn't try that on a 4 year old. Barbara |
#12
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What to do when your son tell you he hates you.
In article .com, Barbara
says... On Oct 22, 8:39 am, Banty wrote: In article . com, Beliavsky says... On Oct 22, 7:55 am, Banty wrote: snip Here's what you do. Self-inoculate yourselves. Designate yourselves the Great Asshole and Queen Bitch of the household. When he calls you names and says he hates you, nod your head(s) and say "yup", and keep right on with whatever you need to do. Banty (whose son called her a "bitch" - and answered with "hmmmmm, and that makes YOU.....?") Letting your son call you that without a severe punishment makes you a wimp in my book. That's an ego thing. A parent shouldn't be playing que-es-mas-macho. If my children called their mother that, she'd be justified in slapping them. They ought to be frightened to even think of saying such a thing. I never dreamed of calling my mother that, even though like almost all people, there are times when she is unpleasant. You never called your mother that because *she* was unpleasant?? Are you referring to her disciplining you, or (because you say "..like almost all people") just unpleasantness in general? You seem to be mixing up parenting and being the adult with a minor child, with adult-adult interaction in general. Which I think is exactly the problem here - adults taking *personally* what immature kids say out of anger or to get a reaction. Because they think of what they'd do or how they'd feel if a neighbor said the same thing. Wrong wrong wrong. A boy probably won't show women in general more respect than he shows his mother. What kind of man do you want to raise? He'll learn to respect her when she responds from a position of strength as a calm centered adult. Not by her flipping out over it and getting all hurt-feelings over it. My son has told me that he hates me more times than I care to recall, usually when I make him do his homework instead of watching TV or sleeping over at a friend's house, or when I tell him he can't have some game or another. I simply tell him that I understand that he feels that way at the moment, but its not going to change my decision, and that I love him. I'd never punish him for expressing those feelings, but I will sometimes tell him to go to his room, or go to mine, to calm down a bit. Young kids' emotions are close to the surface, so to speak. They haven't really yet learned to control them. They're going to hate -- and love -- more intensely. That's why its important for us to help them deal with them, not punish them for having such emotions. I get the feeling that wasn't quite the case with Banty's son, though. I'm guesting that he was trying to shock and/or anger her. Oh, he's done it on occassion when he hasn't gotten his way (regarding homework, etc.) Isn't that when that word is used in most adult to adult cases anyway (outside of canine husbandry, I mean)? Someone isn't getting their way because a woman isn't doing something they want? Had she yelled, slapped, punished, etc, she would have shown him that it worked. Her quick-thinking response better defused the situation. He probably never said it again. But that's because he's older; He actually smiled. I had him good I've told him on a couple of other occassions that I'm the Queen Bitch of the Universe. It's an epithet that has been rendered totally harmless in our household. I haven't heard it in a long time. I wouldn't try that on a 4 year old. Heh - you'd probably have to explain it, and that wouldn't do, LOL! Someone once called my son a '*******' when he was little. His classroom had a guinea pig named "Baxter" - he wanted to know why he was called after that guinea pig. I just told him the person who said that was being stupid and silly. Banty |
#13
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What to do when your son tell you he hates you.
In article 7a1311b7cf7c4@uwe, Illiana via FamilyKB.com says...
A father willing to talk! wrote: My son sometimes snaps and start telling me or my wife that he hate me or her. It usually happens when he does not follow our orders, such as take a bath or get out of the bathroom because it is time to sleep, or he wants something we are not willing to give him, such as toy. We usually try to talk to him, negotiate about other activities that he will not do if he persist on his behavior, warn him minutes ahead that we will be moving to other activities, etc. However, this is very difficult and frustrating. Moreover when we are respectful of his decisions and tastes. We try to give him this he loves and spend time with him. We also try to give him moral values such as be nice with people, respect other people and your family, and so on. We usually ask to stop saying this kind of things calm down and breath. Sometimes it works, sometime it does not. At most we ask him to go to his room and wait until he is calm and talk to him again. In addition, we punish him not watching TV for few days and become very cold when we talk to him. He usually respond fine to this kind of treatment. But I hate to do this. I would like to have a nice conversation and fluent relationship with my son. Suggestion are more than welcome!. Just ignore him when he says things like that. If he persists even after some ofthe silent treatment, you need to give him a little flick on the lips. Children should not disrespect their parents, regardless. The respect, or lack of it, he shows to you will be what he gives to other people. You seem to approach problems by hitting. Banty |
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What to do when your son tell you he hates you.
On Oct 22, 10:25 am, Barbara wrote:
snip My son has told me that he hates me more times than I care to recall, usually when I make him do his homework instead of watching TV or sleeping over at a friend's house, or when I tell him he can't have some game or another. I simply tell him that I understand that he feels that way at the moment, but its not going to change my decision, and that I love him. I'd never punish him for expressing those feelings, but I will sometimes tell him to go to his room, or go to mine, to calm down a bit. Young kids' emotions are close to the surface, so to speak. They haven't really yet learned to control them. They're going to hate -- and love -- more intensely. That's why its important for us to help them deal with them, not punish them for having such emotions. Yes, they have strong emotions as do we adults, but they still need to control their *actions*, including their speech. I'd allow my kids to say they think I am being mean, but I won't tolerate their calling me or their mother names. I get the feeling that wasn't quite the case with Banty's son, though. I'm guesting that he was trying to shock and/or anger her. Had she yelled, slapped, punished, etc, she would have shown him that it worked. Her quick-thinking response better defused the situation. He probably never said it again. But that's because he's older; I wouldn't try that on a 4 year old. The b-word is not my in 4yo's vocabulary, and if it crept in, besides disciplining him I would make him tell me where he learned to talk trash so I could eliminate that influence. There will, for example, never be "gangster rap" in my earshot. Barbara |
#15
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What to do when your son tell you he hates you.
In article . com, Beliavsky
says... On Oct 22, 10:25 am, Barbara wrote: snip My son has told me that he hates me more times than I care to recall, usually when I make him do his homework instead of watching TV or sleeping over at a friend's house, or when I tell him he can't have some game or another. I simply tell him that I understand that he feels that way at the moment, but its not going to change my decision, and that I love him. I'd never punish him for expressing those feelings, but I will sometimes tell him to go to his room, or go to mine, to calm down a bit. Young kids' emotions are close to the surface, so to speak. They haven't really yet learned to control them. They're going to hate -- and love -- more intensely. That's why its important for us to help them deal with them, not punish them for having such emotions. Yes, they have strong emotions as do we adults, but they still need to control their *actions*, including their speech. I'd allow my kids to say they think I am being mean, but I won't tolerate their calling me or their mother names. I get the feeling that wasn't quite the case with Banty's son, though. I'm guesting that he was trying to shock and/or anger her. Had she yelled, slapped, punished, etc, she would have shown him that it worked. Her quick-thinking response better defused the situation. He probably never said it again. But that's because he's older; I wouldn't try that on a 4 year old. The b-word is not my in 4yo's vocabulary, and if it crept in, besides disciplining him I would make him tell me where he learned to talk trash so I could eliminate that influence. There will, for example, never be "gangster rap" in my earshot. Curious - of what material do you plan to make this cocoon? Will you punch airholes? Cheers, Banty (yep, his oldest is all of four....) |
#16
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What to do when your son tell you he hates you.
On Oct 22, 11:21 am, Banty wrote:
In article . com, Beliavsky says... snip I get the feeling that wasn't quite the case with Banty's son, though. I'm guesting that he was trying to shock and/or anger her. Had she yelled, slapped, punished, etc, she would have shown him that it worked. Her quick-thinking response better defused the situation. He probably never said it again. But that's because he's older; I wouldn't try that on a 4 year old. The b-word is not my in 4yo's vocabulary, and if it crept in, besides disciplining him I would make him tell me where he learned to talk trash so I could eliminate that influence. There will, for example, never be "gangster rap" in my earshot. Curious - of what material do you plan to make this cocoon? Will you punch airholes? Cheers, Banty (yep, his oldest is all of four....) I was born and brought up in the U.S. and am in my late 30s. I don't think I have ever used the b-word or f-word in front of my parents, and they would be saddened if I did. I have the same standards for my kids. Why is that unrealistic? We have basic cable TV (which does not include MTV), and if my wife has told me that if she thinks TV is becoming a bad influence on our kids, she won't mind getting rid of all TVs in the house. We have been talking about how to child-proof our Internet access. |
#17
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What to do when your son tell you he hates you.
On Oct 22, 11:42 am, Beliavsky wrote:
On Oct 22, 11:21 am, Banty wrote: In article . com, Beliavsky says... snip I get the feeling that wasn't quite the case with Banty's son, though. I'm guesting that he was trying to shock and/or anger her. Had she yelled, slapped, punished, etc, she would have shown him that it worked. Her quick-thinking response better defused the situation. He probably never said it again. But that's because he's older; I wouldn't try that on a 4 year old. The b-word is not my in 4yo's vocabulary, and if it crept in, besides disciplining him I would make him tell me where he learned to talk trash so I could eliminate that influence. There will, for example, never be "gangster rap" in my earshot. Curious - of what material do you plan to make this cocoon? Will you punch airholes? Cheers, Banty (yep, his oldest is all of four....) I was born and brought up in the U.S. and am in my late 30s. I don't think I have ever used the b-word or f-word in front of my parents, and they would be saddened if I did. I have the same standards for my kids. Why is that unrealistic? We have basic cable TV (which does not include MTV), and if my wife has told me that if she thinks TV is becoming a bad influence on our kids, she won't mind getting rid of all TVs in the house. We have been talking about how to child-proof our Internet access.- Hide quoted text - And, presumably, you never intend to take your kids to a public park. An open air fair or other celebration. A walk around town. The mall. Even the supermarket. You don't intend to allow them to listen to radio other than classical music. Attend a sporting event. Attend a school where there are older children. Walk into a museum. Drive through many areas once your kid can read. Because trust me, your child *will* hear (or read) cursing at any and all of these places. I don't think that Banty or I have in any way, shape or form suggested that we accept cursing from our kids (both of whom are substantially older than yours). The question is *how* you deal with it, and how you otherwise deal with the expression of strong emotions. With respect to the latter, punishing a child because s/he feels a certain way simply isn't appropriate in my book. With respect to the former, IMHO if your kid is trying to shock and outrage you, then being shocked or outraged is the *worst* thing you can do. As to my son (who is younger than Banty's), explaining that we don't use those words in polite conversation is much more effective (IMHO) than punishment. Barbara |
#18
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What to do when your son tell you he hates you.
Beliavsky wrote:
The b-word is not my in 4yo's vocabulary, and if it crept in, besides disciplining him I would make him tell me where he learned to talk trash so I could eliminate that influence. There will, for example, never be "gangster rap" in my earshot. I hope your kids enjoy the isolation, and that you enjoy homeschooling! Best wishes, Ericka |
#19
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What to do when your son tell you he hates you.
Beliavsky wrote:
On Oct 22, 11:21 am, Banty wrote: In article . com, Beliavsky says... snip I get the feeling that wasn't quite the case with Banty's son, though. I'm guesting that he was trying to shock and/or anger her. Had she yelled, slapped, punished, etc, she would have shown him that it worked. Her quick-thinking response better defused the situation. He probably never said it again. But that's because he's older; I wouldn't try that on a 4 year old. The b-word is not my in 4yo's vocabulary, and if it crept in, besides disciplining him I would make him tell me where he learned to talk trash so I could eliminate that influence. There will, for example, never be "gangster rap" in my earshot. Curious - of what material do you plan to make this cocoon? Will you punch airholes? Cheers, Banty (yep, his oldest is all of four....) I was born and brought up in the U.S. and am in my late 30s. I don't think I have ever used the b-word or f-word in front of my parents, and they would be saddened if I did. I have the same standards for my kids. Why is that unrealistic? Obviously it should be your goal to teach your child not to use that sort of language, and you can even be relatively successful at it. Your assumption that you can eradicate any influences from your children's lives that might expose them to such language is naive in the extreme. It happens. Even in the best neighborhoods, best schools, best families. Given that your children will be exposed, there almost certainly will be a time when they will let something fly in the heat of the moment that they wouldn't normally choose to say. That's normal. Adults are expected to have control of their tempers and be able to refrain (although you have just said that you'd lose your temper to the extent of *slapping* your child from something so petty as bad language), but children naturally do not yet have that control. The consequences for their behavior should be proportional to what you can legitimately expect them to have the capability to do. Furthermore, overreacting to these things doesn't help get you to your goal of having children who can control their tempers and regulate their language. We have basic cable TV (which does not include MTV), and if my wife has told me that if she thinks TV is becoming a bad influence on our kids, she won't mind getting rid of all TVs in the house. You can certainly get rid of tvs, but that won't be the only (or probably even the first) place they encounter inappropriate language. We have been talking about how to child-proof our Internet access. Good luck with that. There is no perfect child-proofing of the Internet, short of sitting with your child every second they're on it and paying attention to every word on the screen. Best wishes, Ericka |
#20
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What to do when your son tell you he hates you.
On Oct 22, 7:55 am, Banty wrote:
In article .com, A father willing to talk! says... My son sometimes snaps and start telling me or my wife that he hate me or her. [snip] He tells you he hates you?? gasp HOW as good upstanding decent parents did you EVER expect to - - - - - - - - NOT hear that!! :-) Here's what you do. Self-inoculate yourselves. Designate yourselves the Great Asshole and Queen Bitch of the household. When he calls you names and says he hates you, nod your head(s) and say "yup", and keep right on with whatever you need to do. Banty (whose son called her a "bitch" - and answered with "hmmmmm, and that makes YOU.....?")- Hide quoted text - When my kids were younger, each of them told me that they hated me ONCE. My response was to say - "good, that means I'm doing my job". To their blank looks, I explained that if they thought I was wonderful 100% of the time, it would mean I wasn't making any rules or bringing them up properly. If they expected me to react differently or give in to whatever they wanted, they were disappointed. As for language, I made it clear all along that there are words that aren't to be said in my house. I don't ever use them myself. My kids are 19 and 17 now and I know that that sort of language is acceptable with their peers but they know that they shouldn't use it around me. These days I don't react much if they forget, I just glare and they'll correct themselves. But they know where the line really is and have never directed any of those words at me. I do like Banty's response to her son though! -- Zip |
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