New to group

Hi, I am new to the group and looking for support.

My husband passed away 18 months ago and I am now trying to raise our son
alone. How does one cope? There is so much energy required to be a good
parent (to say nothing of working, home maintenance, daily chores, etc
etc)....I am totally overwhelmed and exhausted.

I would like to hear from parents in similar situations who appear to be
handling this better than I....I have so much admiration for you!
Thanks,
Lori

"Lori" wrote in message
...
Hi, I am new to the group and looking for support.

My husband passed away 18 months ago and I am now trying to raise our son
alone. How does one cope? There is so much energy required to be a good
parent (to say nothing of working, home maintenance, daily chores, etc
etc)....I am totally overwhelmed and exhausted.

I would like to hear from parents in similar situations who appear to be
handling this better than I....I have so much admiration for you!
Thanks,
Lori

Hi Lori!

Welcome to the group I'm terribly sorry for your loss... How old is your
son? One copes as you probably have been for the last 18 months... One
attempts to keep one's humour and struggle through day by day without
completely falling apart... Perhaps you have a family member or close family
friend that can take your son for a weekend so that you can have some time
for R & R? Taking care of yourself mentally and physically is a necessity
for single parents - Without your well being who would care for your boy?

You are probably doing better than you think you are! I've been a single
mom for a long time -- You know it's a long time when you can't think of how
long it's been off the top of your head LOL... This news group has seen me
through many a trying time I'll tell you... Advice is distributed freely
here -- take what you need leave what you don't

I have a boy 19 YEARS OMG! and girl 15 years... We are in NS Canada...

Kim

Hi Lori,
I'm a single dad of 2 kids age 9 and 12. It is overwhelming for me at
times too. Just know that you will get through it. Your son will not be
a child forever. Take time to relax whenever you possibly can. My
greatest struggle is not so much with my kids, its fighting my own
loniness (failed marriage). I fell in love with a beautiful woman last
year, that didnt work out either. she was 36 with no kids, and i think
the reality of my life was exciting enough for her. geez, im probably
in need of support myself (hee hee) instead of replying. it will be ok,
we are extra strong people. More than you realize.

http://www.sjoel.com

"Lori" wrote in message
...
Hi, I am new to the group and looking for support.

Hi Lori, and welcome.

My husband passed away 18 months ago and I am now trying to raise our son
alone. How does one cope? There is so much energy required to be a good
parent (to say nothing of working, home maintenance, daily chores, etc
etc)....I am totally overwhelmed and exhausted.

I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. That would be hard enough on its
own, nevermind with a child involved. How old is your son?
It takes a crapload of energy (and more) to be a good parent, yes, and maybe
even moreso if you're a single parent. You're probably overwhelmed and
exhausted because of all that needs to be done! Children are a handful, and
that's putting aside everything else LIKE working and keeping the house and
home up.

I would like to hear from parents in similar situations who appear to be
handling this better than I....I have so much admiration for you!
Thanks,
Lori

It takes time. No matter what the circumstances are, everything tends to
just fall into place in time. Some might take a short time, others it may
be longer. That goes for people AND things.
Take time for yourself. You time. Also, adult time is definitely a good
thing that is needed as well. I find I just sometimes go nuts without that
adult time. There's only so many conversations about dinosaurs I can handle

I have a 5 year old son and almost 10 month old daughter, as well as a 6
year old son. He lives just out of the city and we get together (his mum
and I) for playdates every now and then. She just happens to be a fairly
new single mom as well. We're also expecting one more (and the last!) on
Halloween. Oh yay. (hear the sarcasm? lol)
I guess I kinda sorta don't really belong here, but what the hey... I just
can't seem to go away And, being in the single parent situation for quite
some time, I dunno...

But, welcome, and maybe others have some suggestions, support or ideas?
I just say always remember to take time for yourself or you'll go crazy and
feel smothered by everything life throws at you. And a sense of humor.
That usually helps as well!

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Fri, 26 May 2006 13:42:12 -0400, "Lori" the
following was posted in blue dry erase marker:

Hi, I am new to the group and looking for support.

My husband passed away 18 months ago and I am now trying to raise our son
alone. How does one cope? There is so much energy required to be a good
parent (to say nothing of working, home maintenance, daily chores, etc
etc)....I am totally overwhelmed and exhausted.

I would like to hear from parents in similar situations who appear to be
handling this better than I....I have so much admiration for you!
Thanks,
Lori

Ok... so you're in the middle of "I can't do this... ".

Believe me when I tell you that what you're doing now, and how you feel,
is how it is at 18 months. Exactly. This is the transition period
between the shock and the reality and the reality of "forever" is
frustratingly overwhelming.

You can handle this. You will manage. But you need some support... you
need people. They have to be reliable, trustable, have valuable skills,
and want to help. It takes time to build a support system. You'll do it
over time. And you have to be able to ask for help... a foreign concept
for many of us.

The bad news is that you can't be both mother and father. The good news
is that you don't need to be. Your son will adjust. He probably already
has. How old is your son? How is he coping? Have his grades in school
come back up yet? Grades usually drop between 6 months and a year or so
afterward. He should be doing better now. If not, then he needs some
support. Is his general health good? How's his behavior?

Prioritize, learn to let some things go, and knock down your standards.
Simplifying your life will help. You can always unpack things that you
put away. Decide what you need and don't need and get rid of everything
else.

* Time for yourself should be top on your list.
* Time for your son has to be second as long as his basic needs are met
first: food, clothing, transportation, health, shelter, warmth, love,
discipline and routine. The more routine things are, the more available
you are to him, and the more reliable you are, the better he will do
overall.
* Bill pay - do your banking online and use auto-pay whenever possible.
Make sure your computer system is secure. If you aren't sure of how to
do that, post here. We have expert computer folks available.
* You must have a will. You have to decide who will care for your child
if something happens to you. He has to know who that will be.


When's the last time you had a good medical checkup? Are you sleeping
enough? Exercising? ---join the YMCA. They have "scholarship"
applications. They will keep your son busy while you have adult time.
You can network there to build your support group. They have summer day
camp for kids.

If you have parents who are still living, and they're reliable and
willing, consider sending him there for two weeks this summer. You need
the break. He will survive. Use the time to get rid of crap in the house
that's weighing you down.

I know the home maintenance, lawns, garbage, etc... is a lot to handle.
I had three children in the home when Phil died (1998). They were 8, 10,
and 19. My oldest was a tremendous help because she could drive.

You can do this. I know it doesn't feel like it some days but you can do
this. You've already survived the worst. What else can anyone possibly
do to you, what else can possibly happen to you that will ever be as bad
as that? Nothing. There's a lot of power in that thought. I know your
world has been turned upside down. I know you've forgotten who you were
before you were married... the last time you were single. I know that
the word "widow" stinks. But I also know that this period in your life
will have rewards. You will come out the other end stronger and more in
tune with yourself.

Is there anything that urgently needs your attention and do you need
help right now?

'Kate

Damn YOU are GOOD 'Kate... See Lori I told you there were really helpful
folks here

K

That is what is helping me too Kate, my kids are getting older, and
needed me a little less now. I am very proud of my son, he will be a
good man someday. Getting somewhere where you can stop focusing on 'im
a single parent' and just do the best you can is good too. My own
parents tell me before you know it, they will be grown and gone. My own
father says he could not do what i do, and I should be proud of myself.
I am not proud- its basic human responsibility to care for children you
have brought into the world. Last year I bought all of us a daschund
puppy (my ex took the dogs from us) that no one will ever take from us.
A puppy is something that has helped me with my own loniness, and may
help others. Although if you are a parent of a very young child, this
may not be a good idea (because of the extra responsibility).

http://www.sjoel.com

"'Kate" wrote in message
news
On 28 May 2006 06:43:44 -0700, "shanejoel" the
following was posted in blue dry erase marker:

That is what is helping me too Kate, my kids are getting older, and
needed me a little less now. I am very proud of my son, he will be a
good man someday. Getting somewhere where you can stop focusing on 'im
a single parent' and just do the best you can is good too. My own
parents tell me before you know it, they will be grown and gone. My own
father says he could not do what i do, and I should be proud of myself.
I am not proud- its basic human responsibility to care for children you
have brought into the world. Last year I bought all of us a daschund
puppy (my ex took the dogs from us) that no one will ever take from us.
A puppy is something that has helped me with my own loniness, and may
help others. Although if you are a parent of a very young child, this
may not be a good idea (because of the extra responsibility).

http://www.sjoel.com

True... we have a dog too. Its eyes, ears, and ferocious bark help keep
us safe. I could do without the shedding and drooling though... but he's
a good dog. He listens and obeys. People are afraid of him when they
meet him the first time but he's well trained.

Argh to our dog... I guess, MY dog... It's yappiness keeps us all awake, and
I think the neighbours too at times! The only one our little dog has kept
away is the neighbour kid... I guess he's afraid of dogs - yet I've gone
outside a couple times to see why the dog is barking up a storm to see that
kid next door (I'd say he's maybe 4 at the most) taunting and bugging the
dog...
Good thing about him is he doesn't shed, and he's not a drooler, but he's
small, yappy and we're STILL working on the training part. I've been happy
enough that he's going potty outside - although if he's not in the kennel at
night, he tends to poop or pee where he is (normally still penned up, but
not in a small, confined space) AND... He finds the puppy pads to be more
fun to destroy than actually use!
But... He walks nice, he's not too bad for yapping all the time, and he
doesn't bite or anything like that. He smells, though... I want to give him
a great hair cut, but Norm won't let me We did, though, give him a small
trim - cut his bangs so we didn't have to deal with an eye infection or
something - so now he's got a mullet Dogs are great company.

"'Kate" wrote in message
...
On Sun, 28 May 2006 17:49:36 GMT, "xkatx" the following
was posted in blue dry erase marker:


"'Kate" wrote in message
news
On 28 May 2006 06:43:44 -0700, "shanejoel" the
following was posted in blue dry erase marker:

That is what is helping me too Kate, my kids are getting older, and
needed me a little less now. I am very proud of my son, he will be a
good man someday. Getting somewhere where you can stop focusing on 'im
a single parent' and just do the best you can is good too. My own
parents tell me before you know it, they will be grown and gone. My own
father says he could not do what i do, and I should be proud of myself.
I am not proud- its basic human responsibility to care for children you
have brought into the world. Last year I bought all of us a daschund
puppy (my ex took the dogs from us) that no one will ever take from us.
A puppy is something that has helped me with my own loniness, and may
help others. Although if you are a parent of a very young child, this
may not be a good idea (because of the extra responsibility).

http://www.sjoel.com

True... we have a dog too. Its eyes, ears, and ferocious bark help keep
us safe. I could do without the shedding and drooling though... but he's
a good dog. He listens and obeys. People are afraid of him when they
meet him the first time but he's well trained.

Argh to our dog... I guess, MY dog... It's yappiness keeps us all awake,
and
I think the neighbours too at times! The only one our little dog has kept
away is the neighbour kid... I guess he's afraid of dogs - yet I've gone
outside a couple times to see why the dog is barking up a storm to see
that
kid next door (I'd say he's maybe 4 at the most) taunting and bugging the
dog...
Good thing about him is he doesn't shed, and he's not a drooler, but he's
small, yappy and we're STILL working on the training part. I've been
happy
enough that he's going potty outside - although if he's not in the kennel
at
night, he tends to poop or pee where he is (normally still penned up, but
not in a small, confined space) AND... He finds the puppy pads to be more
fun to destroy than actually use!
But... He walks nice, he's not too bad for yapping all the time, and he
doesn't bite or anything like that. He smells, though... I want to give
him
a great hair cut, but Norm won't let me We did, though, give him a
small
trim - cut his bangs so we didn't have to deal with an eye infection or
something - so now he's got a mullet Dogs are great company.

If you have trouble finishing his training, consider obedience school!
You will be a happier dog owner with a well trained dog. I know he's
young yet but he can learn.

We are actually considering some type of school for him. He's still very
young - but... I do think it would be easier to have him properly trained as
a puppy than to have him get set into a lot of bad habits and try and
untrain and then retrain an older dog. He's been pretty good so far, other
than a few minor things. I'd really love to be able to knock off his
running away, though. We do tie him up in the yard, but that seems to cause
problems when he gets tangled in anything and everything - the patio
furniture, toys... And every chance he gets, he bolts for out of the yard
(we have MAJOR issues with the neighbours leaving the gate open - shared
main entrance to our yard splits off to a gate to their yard, so that
doesn't help, nor does huge gaps between the fence and gate and the grass...

My daschund is a pure bred, he doesnt yap, and is a great companion
animal. He just loves us as much as we love him. I have a small fenced
off area in my backyard (doesnt cost much) so he can just run around
in. Works a lot better than the leash thing. I think purebreds make
better pets, and having them when they are very young and through their
whole lives makes it easier as far as training.

http://www.sjoel.com
http://www.thepcrepairwizard.com

"shanejoel" wrote in message
ups.com...
My daschund is a pure bred, he doesnt yap, and is a great companion
animal. He just loves us as much as we love him. I have a small fenced
off area in my backyard (doesnt cost much) so he can just run around
in. Works a lot better than the leash thing. I think purebreds make
better pets, and having them when they are very young and through their
whole lives makes it easier as far as training.

http://www.sjoel.com
http://www.thepcrepairwizard.com

I, personally, really like big dogs. Mutts are even better I really
can't stand small dogs, especially yappy ones - seems that poodles are right
at the top for small, yappy, gross dogs I can't stand. Small dogs are
useless, and since I grew up with fair sized dogs (2 Saint Bernards and a
Great Dane - all registered AND dumb lol) I just like big dogs. We can't
have a big dog. There's rules and all that about what type of dog you may
have here... Cannot be certain breeds (the ones that tend to be more
aggressive and have a bad rep) and under a certain height full grown. They
also must be spayed/neutered, and you gotta pass the papers along for that.
Our mutt (his mom is a registered Maltese, dad is registered Shih-Tzu - yes,
yuck lol) is pretty good. He IS yappy, but I've noticed it's not too bad.
It's normally when the neighbour is bugging and teasing him, or when it's
raining. He kind of goes nuts with the thunder and lightning. Not at all
bad if someone's at the door, or if the phone rings. He does get excited if
there's kids playing and lots of action.
We really have no choice but to tie him up. We don't have the option to pen
up a section of the yard. The yard is just too small. We currently have a
sand box, a spinny yard toy thing, bikes chained to the fence and that takes
up the grass. We have a small patio area, and on that is a BBQ and patio
set. There's no room there either. He just tends to get all tangled in
this or that, but until we can find a way to keep him in the yard, tied is
the only way we can really go. We're not quite sure how to fix the problem
with the huge gaps between the bottom of the fence and the grass - we've
stapled on some wood lattice to the bottom of the fence inside the yard even
with the grass, and that works for the most part, but we're having troubles
with the gate and the neighbours... They just can't seem to keep our gate
closed - not sure if I said, but we have shared entrance to our back yards.
The neighbours have to come in our yard to get to theirs. Stupid setup,
AFAIC. There's about a half a foot gap from the gate to the cement walkway.
We've tried to take the gate right off and lower it down, but that shows the
problem of the gate not opening due to the slope in the walk. We also tried
the lattice on the bottom of the gate, yet same problem as just lowering it,
only we ended up with shards of lattice when it would break from being
scraped along the cement. We have, basically, the entire fence all around
fixed with the lattice. There's the gate issue, as well as the neighbour's
gate to their yard that has the same problem as the main one... And there's
also about a 5" squared gap for the fence post where the neighbour's gate
closes to their yard. Tried to put some dirt and grass seed there with no
luck. Turns to a big mud slide when it rains. And, again, the major
problem is the neighbours, who are, at times, downright inconsiderate. The
dog's just a puppy - about 4 and a half months old now, almost 5. He's
still young enough that we can get him into good habits, but escaping is the
one huge issue, and that's an issue we just can't seem to win at. I also
don't think he'll get big enough to not be able to fit under the fence and
out of the yard... And getting tangled is just a pain, and could definitely
pose as a risk to the dog if he gets real tangled. I also would rather do a
lot of other things than have to check on the dog and untangle him every 10
minutes
A dog run or fenced area for him just really isn't possible. We can't
really modify our yard or fence and gates. One of the MANY joys of renting
and living in a townhouse. A lot of options and possibilities are just not
there.