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#21
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what to do when your kid hurts another
"Rosalie B." wrote in message ... But there WAS a good reason, or what your son thinks of as a good reason - you said it yourself - your son really hates to drop crackers. He was infuriated because the other kid (not knowing the importance of crackers I guess) made him drop his. Perhaps you need to figure out what it is about crackers. DD#2 used to complain bitterly that there was a little boy (name of Wayne IIRC) who would insisted on sitting next to her and who would throw her down on the playground. When I finally saw Wayne, I could not understand it because Wayne was WAY smaller than dd#2 (This was about 2nd or 3rd grade). She could easily have kept him from doing anything to her. It sounds like your ds over-reacted because crackers were so important to him, and he probably felt that his little friend did it on purpose. And maybe the friend DID do it on purpose, not realizing the importance of crackers. Size isn't really relevant when someone is enraged. Up to here, I do think you have a point. However, I do think size matters. Kids may not think so, but they need to learn. I really don't agree with fighting, but I understand that boys fight. However, there is a difference between a fair fight and a lopsided match. Big kids don't need to beat up little kids. Most of the time when there's a disagreement, there are really two people at fault. The friend just got a little more than he bargained for. I agree. I just don't agree with the kicking. There was no need for that. |
#22
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what to do when your kid hurts another
In article ,
"toypup" wrote: Why is dropping your crackers such a bad thing to your son? I don't know, but I do know that when I accidentally made him drop a cracker once not long ago, he threw a screaming fit. There's something about crackers. I think what bothered me most is that the child was so much smaller than DS and that is was deliberate for no good reason. DS has fought before, and I normally only give time outs. It just shocked me that he would hurt a small child like that. It was by no means a fair fight. The little boy did not hit him or anything and wasn't big enough to defend himself. And if he was doubled over, it was likely that the kick landed on his stomach or groin. Of course, whether he *meant* to inflict so much pain is a separate question. OK, I think there is a problem with your son and crackers. Most likely he has some weird idea about them, and getting it out will be a challenge. Let us know if you figure it out! I vote for not providing crackers next time. Prevention is often the simplest way to handle these things. Fruit or cake in future? -- Chookie -- Sydney, Australia (Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply) http://chookiesbackyard.blogspot.com/ |
#23
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what to do when your kid hurts another
"toypup" wrote:
"Rosalie B." wrote in message .. . But there WAS a good reason, or what your son thinks of as a good reason - you said it yourself - your son really hates to drop crackers. He was infuriated because the other kid (not knowing the importance of crackers I guess) made him drop his. Perhaps you need to figure out what it is about crackers. DD#2 used to complain bitterly that there was a little boy (name of Wayne IIRC) who would insisted on sitting next to her and who would throw her down on the playground. When I finally saw Wayne, I could not understand it because Wayne was WAY smaller than dd#2 (This was about 2nd or 3rd grade). She could easily have kept him from doing anything to her. It sounds like your ds over-reacted because crackers were so important to him, and he probably felt that his little friend did it on purpose. And maybe the friend DID do it on purpose, not realizing the importance of crackers. Size isn't really relevant when someone is enraged. Up to here, I do think you have a point. However, I do think size matters. Kids may not think so, but they need to learn. I really don't agree with fighting, but I understand that boys fight. However, there is a difference between a fair fight and a lopsided match. Big kids don't need to beat up little kids. That wasn't what I was saying - what I was trying to point out was that when someone is enraged, they are not reasonable people at that point. And what they need to learn to control is their rage because when they are not in that state they would probably never even think about doing the things they have done because they would know it wasn't fair. Most of the time when there's a disagreement, there are really two people at fault. The friend just got a little more than he bargained for. I agree. I just don't agree with the kicking. There was no need for that. A person who is out of control doesn't act responsibly - they will not be asking themselves whether there is a 'need' for their actions. People seem to have more of a problem with someone who does something in a rage and completely overdoes it than with someone who just does enough to win. For instance (to use a grisly example) - someone who stabs someone and kills them is just a murderer, but if they stab someone 45 times after they are already dead, then that is a heinous crime. But really I think there should be more sympathy and help for the out of control person. |
#24
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what to do when your kid hurts another
"Rosalie B." wrote in message ... A person who is out of control doesn't act responsibly - they will not be asking themselves whether there is a 'need' for their actions. People seem to have more of a problem with someone who does something in a rage and completely overdoes it than with someone who just does enough to win. For instance (to use a grisly example) - someone who stabs someone and kills them is just a murderer, but if they stab someone 45 times after they are already dead, then that is a heinous crime. But really I think there should be more sympathy and help for the out of control person. He absolutely has a problem controlling rage. What to do about that is the question. It certainly isn't acceptable, especially if he were an adult, so we must rein it in now. |
#25
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what to do when your kid hurts another
There are good suggestions at http://angriesout.com They have very effective suggestions to help people (adults as well as kids) control their anger. We used some of the ideas there to help our younger son control his temper a few years back. (The web site wasn't up yet, of course, but the behavioral suggestions have been around for a long time.) --Beth Kevles -THE-COM-HERE http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner. NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the GMAIL one if you would like me to reply. |
#26
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what to do when your kid hurts another
On Mon, 3 Nov 2008 07:35:13 -0800, "toypup"
wrote: He absolutely has a problem controlling rage. What to do about that is the question. It certainly isn't acceptable, especially if he were an adult, so we must rein it in now. Have you tried teaching any anger management techniques that he can use? I've posted this befo Self-Calming Techniques We have learned to teach our children to name feelings which is good, but need to teach them how to cope with feelings. Your first defense is heading off things before the situation starts to deteriorate. Prevention: give choices; say yes when you can (yes – you can have a cookie after dinner); use skills you’ve learned (e.g., leaving the house, give warning, transitional object). We do want to help kids identify and name their feelings. But we really want to teach our kids how to cope with their feelings. These are life skills. The emotionally literate child is more likely to be successful in school, at work and in interpersonal relationships. Emotional intelligence helps safeguard children from drug and alcohol addiction, eating disorders, aggressive behavior and depression. When we pay more attention to certain emotions we see more of it (e.g., your child falls down and looks to Mom to see if they should cry). The Self-Calming Plan 1. Acknowledge and name the feeling (just knowing someone is empathetic helps) 2. Set limits (its okay to be angry but hitting the cat is not okay) 3. Offer self-calming choices (limit two for young children) Six Categories Audio/Verbal listen to calming music, sing a song, talk to someone sympathetic ear), listen to water, use your words Visual look at/read a book, look outside, go to your happy place, watch an aquarium Creative draw a picture (mad picture), make something (craft or cook), write a letter (journal), write/draw on paper and throw it away Self-nurturing get a hug, get a snack (hungry? – low blood sugar; careful, don't just offer food as substitute), take a warm bath Physical (these ideas can be better than a time-out) run, shake (hands or all over, like a wet puppy), relax muscles (melt like a snowman), breathe (pretend to be a balloon and then blow bubbles), hug yourself, hug a critter, playdough, float like a feather, massage Humor watch a funny video (funniest animals), make silly faces, read a funny book, find humor in a situation **Use different calming techniques for anger, versus anxiety, versus sadness. **For frustration with toys, ask what you can do different next time. **With younger kids, experiment with what works. For older kids, don’t forget to communicate – ask them what works. Pick out a couple of self-calming techniques to suggest ahead of time (for, or with your child depending on age). Observe your child. They may have come up with something on their own. Consider the types of stress. You may want to offer different self-calming choices for anger or frustration than you would for being anxious. What could we do different next time? Talk about it when both of you are calm. Kids go through three stages as they learn self-calming skills: 1. They learn the activity itself. If a child can’t do the activity easily when calm, asking him/her what to do when upset will increase anger or frustration rather than decrease it. 2. They notice that doing an activity changes how they feel. 3. They realize that they can use a specific activity to intentionally change how they feel. Breathing often works well if you practice it as a game when the child is calm. Then you can start breathing yourself and he *may* follow along with you. You do have to notice that he is *getting* angry though as when a child is raging, they usually cannot stop and do something else until they finish their rage. -- Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the world that can be heard unless someone listens .. The Outer Limits |
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