neighbor complaint about my autistic child

My next-door neighbor railed into me this
morning. My 5-year-old Pillbug is autistic
and screeches a lot. I honestly had no idea
it was this bad, though - I've learned to
block out the sounds of his tantrums... So,
that's my fault.

Anyway, apparently, neighbor's wife is now
getting migraines, which she had not gotten
in decades. Pillbug's noises wake up the
neighbors across the street, including their
baby, something about Pillbug setting off the
baby monitor. Across the street, they sleep
with the windows open because they have no AC
and the bedrooms face the street, which is the
same for us. It's been nice at night, so we
sleep with our windows open, too. Pillbug's
screeches wake up their four kids.

One time, Pillbug crossed the street on his
own. DH was there and scared to death, but
that was the only time in Pillbug's 5 years
on this planet.

My neighbor wants us to keep the windows closed
and try to keep the kids out of the front yard.
He is threatening to go to CPS - he has a friend
at CPS who told him calling was the right thing
to do.

Neighbor also hates our choice of Chinese
nannies. He has a child psychologist friend
who thinks I'm insane for trying to maintain a
bilingual environment when my autistic child cannot
even speak.

So, now I have to find the other neighbors, make
nice, hope we can come to a reasonable accommodation
(I most certainly will not keep my kids indoors
24 hours a day!), and hope no one calls CPS...

-- Anita --

In article , Irrational Number
says...

My next-door neighbor railed into me this
morning. My 5-year-old Pillbug is autistic
and screeches a lot. I honestly had no idea
it was this bad, though - I've learned to
block out the sounds of his tantrums... So,
that's my fault.

Anyway, apparently, neighbor's wife is now
getting migraines, which she had not gotten
in decades. Pillbug's noises wake up the
neighbors across the street, including their
baby, something about Pillbug setting off the
baby monitor. Across the street, they sleep
with the windows open because they have no AC
and the bedrooms face the street, which is the
same for us. It's been nice at night, so we
sleep with our windows open, too. Pillbug's
screeches wake up their four kids.

One time, Pillbug crossed the street on his
own. DH was there and scared to death, but
that was the only time in Pillbug's 5 years
on this planet.

My neighbor wants us to keep the windows closed
and try to keep the kids out of the front yard.
He is threatening to go to CPS - he has a friend
at CPS who told him calling was the right thing
to do.

Neighbor also hates our choice of Chinese
nannies. He has a child psychologist friend
who thinks I'm insane for trying to maintain a
bilingual environment when my autistic child cannot
even speak.


So totally not his business and so totally wrong.

So, now I have to find the other neighbors, make
nice, hope we can come to a reasonable accommodation
(I most certainly will not keep my kids indoors
24 hours a day!), and hope no one calls CPS...

No you don't.

You have a problem that you do need to address, BUT you don't have to address it
the way that neighbor would have it, and you certainly have the latitude that
anyone with kids (or anyone, for that matter) to have noises emanate from your
family to some degree so that you can live your lives.

So, I'd be thinking of things like, maybe having Pillbug towards the back of
your house in the morning (switch bedrooms?), and having Pillbug play in the
backyard until a later hour of the morning (seems so unreasonable to have your
own front yard off limits to your own kids), or stuff like that which is within
your control but doesn't trash your family life and doesn't leave you stifled
within your own home at night. See if you can think of, say, three steps along
that line that you can do that, if approached again by neighbor, you can state,
then tell them that's really as far as you can go without merely shifting the
burden on a different set of neighbors or making your own family life
impossible. If they continue to object, call their bluff on the CPS thing. You
can document the autism. Migranes? - maybe they haven't. Good grief every
neighborhood hassle I've heard of someone claims they have some friend at some
agency that can trash the other neighbor and it's hardly ever the case.

And keep a diary of all.

And, I suppose, not having experience with autism, you've taken whatever steps
you can concerning these behaviors as far as they can be helped?

Banty

"Irrational Number" wrote in message
m...
My next-door neighbor railed into me this
morning. My 5-year-old Pillbug is autistic
and screeches a lot. I honestly had no idea
it was this bad, though - I've learned to
block out the sounds of his tantrums... So,
that's my fault.

No, blocking out is not your "fault". We once lived a couple doors down
from a woman that had an autistic boy. He was about 13 or so. I'll just
say at times, it was very interesting living near this family!
It was quite often he would screech or run around or seem, basically, out of
control to the new eye viewing. There was a time he jumped out of the
second storey bedroom window, and many times there'd be something.
My heart went out to this woman, that had to live with and deal with this.
I never once thought to tell her to shut her kid up or control him. I did
believe she was doing the very best she could with what she was given. That
was her son, and although very different from maybe my son, I doubt she went
off and signed a contract to have a child that was a little harder to manage
than the average. I also knew that HE wasn't doing what he did to **** the
neighbours off or anything like that.

Anyway, apparently, neighbor's wife is now
getting migraines, which she had not gotten
in decades. Pillbug's noises wake up the
neighbors across the street, including their
baby, something about Pillbug setting off the
baby monitor. Across the street, they sleep
with the windows open because they have no AC
and the bedrooms face the street, which is the
same for us. It's been nice at night, so we
sleep with our windows open, too. Pillbug's
screeches wake up their four kids.

Does he constantly scream or screech or make very loud noises 24 solid hours
in a day?? I doubt that, and really, if the neighbour has issues with that,
I would try and find a common ground for a solution of some sort. I have no
real suggestions for this of my own, but I did read and see some others had
some ideas.

One time, Pillbug crossed the street on his
own. DH was there and scared to death, but
that was the only time in Pillbug's 5 years
on this planet.

My neighbor wants us to keep the windows closed
and try to keep the kids out of the front yard.
He is threatening to go to CPS - he has a friend
at CPS who told him calling was the right thing
to do.

Front yard, back yard, what's the difference? I would NOT be keeping myself
inside every hour of every day, nevermind a child. That's rediculous to
even suggest. Children, and people in general, need to be outside. The
fresh air, running around... I'd be tempted to tell the neighbours to hole
themselves up in their basement and maybe suggest they completely soundproof
it just to be on the safe side.
Tell them to call CPS. I believe that's the same thing as our Child
Welfare. There's nothing they'd do. Take your child away from a good
family that provides, loves, nurtures, feeds, offers comfort and
stability... to put him elsewhere? Like a change of scenery is going to
"fix" everything?? Do you pinch him to cause him to screech? I highly
doubt that!

Neighbor also hates our choice of Chinese
nannies. He has a child psychologist friend
who thinks I'm insane for trying to maintain a
bilingual environment when my autistic child cannot
even speak.

Being bilingual is a fantastic option if you have it. We're bilingual - DS
and I are both fluent in English and Ukrainian. And I know French, although
it's just enough to get by if I had to. Oh, and DDs will also follow
through with the Ukrainian bilingual schooling.
When I was little, my parents had a caregiver that was Portuguese. She'd
speak to me in Portuguese when I was little, and I was fully fluent in
English and Portuguese by the time I was talking. With my brothers, they
had daily care from Italian families, and it was the same thing.
If you want a Chinese nanny for your family, that's not a concern of anyone
else. It seems your neighbour has all kinds of friends that tell him all
kinds of bogus info.
If someone wants to speak to my child in another language, I have no problem
with that (assuming it's appropriate and in a way that the child can
understand... ie, ____ in this language means ____ in English)
Just because a child can't speak doesn't mean he should live life in
silence. You still talk to them, there are things that I am sure he might
understand, even if he can't or doesn't communicate in the same way others
do.
I assume you have Chinese in your family, so even someone else helping to
keep the heritage there is a good thing for a child, or anyone, really.

So, now I have to find the other neighbors, make
nice, hope we can come to a reasonable accommodation
(I most certainly will not keep my kids indoors
24 hours a day!), and hope no one calls CPS...

No, you really can't and shouldn't keep the kids inside all day, every day!
THAT is unhealthy! The way he is is the way he is. There's nothing that's
going to really change that or make it different. Maybe you could give some
tips to the neighbour on how you've kind of blocked the screeching out! LOL
I do hope it works out, though. No matter what, that sure sounds like a
really difficult situation.

-- Anita --

In article lQ1gk.115492$gc5.92522@pd7urf2no, Kat says...

Tell them to call CPS. I believe that's the same thing as our Child
Welfare. There's nothing they'd do. Take your child away from a good
family that provides, loves, nurtures, feeds, offers comfort and
stability... to put him elsewhere? Like a change of scenery is going to
"fix" everything?? Do you pinch him to cause him to screech? I highly
doubt that!

Yeah - I wouldn't *tell them* to call CPS (unless it came right down to it and
they were in my face about it threatening that), but basically, don't be afraid
of it. It's *very* likely a bluff, but even if they call, and EVEN IF they have
a "friend" there, that friend would have to be mighty unprofessional to do
anything about a documented austistic child screaming because they know him or
her.

And CPS is pretty tired of getting what's basically neighborhood noise calls,
just like the ASPCA is. If there's an underlying real problem, fine, but once
they find there isn't abuse, they walk away.

Banty (it's like how everbody's gotta cousin who's a lawyer...)

"Banty" wrote in message
...
In article lQ1gk.115492$gc5.92522@pd7urf2no, Kat says...

Tell them to call CPS. I believe that's the same thing as our Child
Welfare. There's nothing they'd do. Take your child away from a good
family that provides, loves, nurtures, feeds, offers comfort and
stability... to put him elsewhere? Like a change of scenery is going to
"fix" everything?? Do you pinch him to cause him to screech? I highly
doubt that!

Yeah - I wouldn't *tell them* to call CPS (unless it came right down to it
and
they were in my face about it threatening that), but basically, don't be
afraid
of it. It's *very* likely a bluff, but even if they call, and EVEN IF
they have
a "friend" there, that friend would have to be mighty unprofessional to do
anything about a documented austistic child screaming because they know
him or
her.

I haven't really had many people just casually say, "I'm going to call..."
I had one person that I felt was in my face about it and I told them to call
if that's what would make them happy and get them off my case and out of my
face! I have nothing to hide or reason to be scared!

And CPS is pretty tired of getting what's basically neighborhood noise
calls,
just like the ASPCA is. If there's an underlying real problem, fine, but
once
they find there isn't abuse, they walk away.

Here, I know, anything reported must be followed up. If they get a call,
they have to go and check it out, and it does seem like a lot of the times
it's just a bogus call from someone with a beef with someone else or
similar. When checked out, they do walk away and leave it at that.

Banty (it's like how everbody's gotta cousin who's a lawyer...)

LOL No cousin, but my best childhood friend (and DS's godmother) is
currently in law school. I have emailed her up once or maybe twice to ask a
"wwyd?" question, and I have another friend that is just finishing law
school But yea, when it comes down to it, it seems a lot of people have
a best friend, close relative or something that is everything and anything
that might come in handy!

In article 1I2gk.11621$nD.2945@pd7urf1no, Kat says...


"Banty" wrote in message
...
In article lQ1gk.115492$gc5.92522@pd7urf2no, Kat says...

Tell them to call CPS. I believe that's the same thing as our Child
Welfare. There's nothing they'd do. Take your child away from a good
family that provides, loves, nurtures, feeds, offers comfort and
stability... to put him elsewhere? Like a change of scenery is going to
"fix" everything?? Do you pinch him to cause him to screech? I highly
doubt that!

Yeah - I wouldn't *tell them* to call CPS (unless it came right down to it
and
they were in my face about it threatening that), but basically, don't be
afraid
of it. It's *very* likely a bluff, but even if they call, and EVEN IF
they have
a "friend" there, that friend would have to be mighty unprofessional to do
anything about a documented austistic child screaming because they know
him or
her.

I haven't really had many people just casually say, "I'm going to call..."
I had one person that I felt was in my face about it and I told them to call
if that's what would make them happy and get them off my case and out of my
face! I have nothing to hide or reason to be scared!

The last time I had that personally had to do with where I was putting snow when
I was digging out for my landlord when I was living in the Bronx and we had a
22" snowfall. There truly was nowhere else to put the snow (the other neighbor
in our postwar rowhouses had put their snow on *our* little postage-stamp lawn
because *their* neighbors had put snow on *theirs*. I was continuing the
chain). They threatened to call the cops on me. Yeah right lady that's what
the NYPD will be doing while dealing with a record-breaking snowfall :-/

But many neighborhood stories from this neighborhood and friends' and
colleagues' neighborhood so many seem to feature some threat from someone with a
'contact' at just the right applicable enforcement agency.


And CPS is pretty tired of getting what's basically neighborhood noise
calls,
just like the ASPCA is. If there's an underlying real problem, fine, but
once
they find there isn't abuse, they walk away.

Here, I know, anything reported must be followed up. If they get a call,
they have to go and check it out, and it does seem like a lot of the times
it's just a bogus call from someone with a beef with someone else or
similar. When checked out, they do walk away and leave it at that.

Sure, CPS would follow up if they actually did call. But I still would no never
mind about it, even with the thought of migrane-neighbor smugly peeking through
their curtains when they show up.

Dollars to donuts, they won't call.


Banty (it's like how everbody's gotta cousin who's a lawyer...)

LOL No cousin, but my best childhood friend (and DS's godmother) is
currently in law school. I have emailed her up once or maybe twice to ask a
"wwyd?" question, and I have another friend that is just finishing law
school But yea, when it comes down to it, it seems a lot of people have
a best friend, close relative or something that is everything and anything
that might come in handy!

'Xactly.

Doesn't mean it might not help a lot to do some identifiable things that
indicate goodwill, even if it's not feasible to do exactly what they would have.

Cheers,
Banty

In article ,
Irrational Number wrote:

My neighbor wants us to keep the windows closed
and try to keep the kids out of the front yard.
He is threatening to go to CPS - he has a friend
at CPS who told him calling was the right thing
to do.

Nod, smile and ignore. He's a bully.

Neighbor also hates our choice of Chinese
nannies. He has a child psychologist friend
who thinks I'm insane for trying to maintain a
bilingual environment when my autistic child cannot
even speak.

Did you ask your neighbour why he thought it was any of his business? I
assume this gratuitous advice on his part.

So, now I have to find the other neighbors, make
nice, hope we can come to a reasonable accommodation
(I most certainly will not keep my kids indoors
24 hours a day!), and hope no one calls CPS...

Can't see why CPS would think there was a problem.

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

http://chookiesbackyard.blogspot.com/