Depressed about pregnancy

I am not sure this is the right group, but I am desperate...
I always imagined pregnancy would be a happy time. It's not. I am
getting progressively more depressed about this pregnancy. To begin
with, my husband I work in two different states. If we want to
practice in our fields, this is the only way. We both have advanced
degrees and both have worked long and hard to get where we are. Now
that I am pregnant, I have to leave my job for a year and go where he
lives. He earns more money than I do so that seemed a logical thing to
do. The problem is--I cannot imagine coming back to my job in a year,
alone with an infant. I am severely conflicted, and I am getting very
resentful toward my husband and the baby. I have developed "major
depression", and I am seriously doubting I should have this baby in
such a confused state of mind.

Has anybody been in such a situation?
Please no flames--I doubt I could feel more guilty than I do now.
Gianna

Gianna,

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. If you are truly depressed, you
need to know that there are antidepressants that are safe for both you and the
baby during pregnancy. Please see your doctor and see if taking some
medications helps put things in a better light for you!

That first year with your baby will pass very quickly and things will seem very
different then. You may feel that you are able to return to your job, or you
may find that you prefer another solution at that point.

It is not terribly unusual to be depressed during pregnancy. Not only are
strange things going on inside of you, but you are facing a big life change.
Many of us suffer worry and anxiety at this time; believe me, it's not all
sweetness and light, any more than parenting always is!

Could you and your husband seek counseling? I think that might help you work
through your feelings of resentment, and would help him understand your
feelings if he is not being supportive right now.

You don't have anything to feel guilty about! You haven't done anything wrong.
I have a positive talent for getting pregnant accidentally and when it has
come at a bad time (for example when my husband had just graduated from law
school and had no job in sight, and out second baby was only three months old)
I was not overjoyed at first. I wasn't even overjoyed when he was born! But
things have a way of working out in the end.

And in the end, whatever the difficulties, please believe that you will never
regret having your baby.

Please keep us updated. (((((Gianna)))))

Leslie

Gianna;

Pregnancy has not been the happiest of days for me either. Unlike you
(or so i understand) I wanted to have a baby, but when I found out that
we were expecting, I discovered how unready I am. I am working on my
degree & having the baby will postpone my plans. Of course, I also
suddenly felt that I am way too young to have a baby (at 30 years).

I was very resentful towards the baby. I was also angry at my husband,
cause he has his life in control & I am the one with the messed up
plans.

Then around 20 weeks I had the first ultrasound. We saw our little girl
in there & my feelings suddenly changed. I was in love with her. I even
dreamt of her a few times Slowly, my sentiments about how much of a
burden & how much she messes my plans changed. I just hope she sleeps
well when she is born )

I wrote all that to explain to you that your feelings seem to me like
they are very normal. Many of my friends, relatives and acquaintances
have told me that they didn't fall in love with their unborn babies
right away.

As for the situation with your job & husband. Well, my opinion is that
marriage is two people sharing a life, a home & a family together. I
understand that due to your work, each one needs to be in a different
state. Well, maybe that baby is gonna be the reason for the 2 of you to
finally live together under one roof, one state I know that my words
may seem real silly right now ... BUT wait till baby comes, wait till
you spend that year that you plan to stay at home for ... your feelings
may change a lot. If you still feel confused when you are supposed to go
back to work, then maybe you & your husband could sit down & decide on
this. You know, your husband is also going to get attached to his child
& may not like the idea of letting you & the baby leave.

As for being resentful towards your husband ... well come on, it isn't
just his fault. You participated in the making of baby too So, try
to understand that he may feel bad as it is for indirectly forcing you
to stay from work. I understand that it is you who is making all the
sacrifice (getting pregnant is a big thing, leaving your job, your
financial stability & independence etc.), but I am sure that when you
take a look at your little baby, all the sacrifice will be well worth it

Good luck in making your decision. Just remember, don't be too harsh on
yourself for having any feelings that you don't really appreciate & at
the same time, don't be hard on your husband.

Gianna wrote:
I am not sure this is the right group, but I am desperate...
I always imagined pregnancy would be a happy time. It's not. I am
getting progressively more depressed about this pregnancy. To begin
with, my husband I work in two different states. If we want to
practice in our fields, this is the only way. We both have advanced
degrees and both have worked long and hard to get where we are. Now
that I am pregnant, I have to leave my job for a year and go where he
lives. He earns more money than I do so that seemed a logical thing to
do. The problem is--I cannot imagine coming back to my job in a year,
alone with an infant. I am severely conflicted, and I am getting very
resentful toward my husband and the baby. I have developed "major
depression", and I am seriously doubting I should have this baby in
such a confused state of mind.

Has anybody been in such a situation?
Please no flames--I doubt I could feel more guilty than I do now.
Gianna

You're facing major changes in your life-it's easy to see why this would be
an uncomfortable time. I got the approval on my 1 year leave of absense from
the school district yesterday. While I've desperately wanted a baby for
years, the idea of NOT going back in the fall is absolutely terrifying,
because teaching has been such a big part of my identity, and after losing
my first baby, going back to work with the kids was what really helped me
get myself back together. ANd I feel guilty about it (some irrational part
of me still feels that if I had been more enthusiastic about the last
pregnancy, it would have ended differently)-and worried about something
going wrong and being stuck with nothing-no job, no baby. So many of my
co-workers have commented that they'd love to be able to take a year off-and
all I can think of is "All those months between June and December, with
NOTHING to work on-and I'm usually bored and start working on school again
by about 2 weeks into vacation!". And I'm nervous about being at home with a
newborn, because while I have a degree in child development and am
essentially a professional parent, my youngest children have never been
below age 3! For the last 5 years, they've been mostly age 8-12.

So, yes, I certainly hope it's normal to be apprehensive and a bit depressed
about your whole life changing-even for a baby.

On Wed, 12 May 2004 20:57:17 -0700, Gianna wrote:

Has anybody been in such a situation?

Not quite the same situation, but I can totally understand why you are
feeling the way you do. Your situation is indeed far from optimal, and the
pregnancy hormones will be adding to your current state of mind as well.

First and foremost, express these feelings towards your husband. You are
already much more bonded with your baby and more aware of the issues after
birth than he is. You say you are living apart, so how involved is he with
the pregnancy? For him it may be all just a "far-away thing". Does he join
you for your prenatal checks, u/s, etc?

You have both decided to have a baby, and so the responsibilities should
be balanced. That doesn't mean you need to share them exactly 50/50. You
seem to have decided to continue living apart after birth. Are you
absolutely sure this is the only way? Does your husband realize what he
will miss and what he is asking from you if you are to take full time
care of the baby alone? It is important you talk this through. Not just
the duties, but also the fun and love he will miss are enormous.

You may find after giving birth that your job is far less important than
you felt before. Try to figure out if there are really no alternatives to
your situation. In our case, my DH eventually gave up his job when we
moved from Europe to the US for mine. He has a part-time job below his
level of experience, but he enjoys it ten times better as there is much
less stress and responsibility. Plus he gets to spend 3 full days with DS,
for which I sometimes envy him.

Please no flames--I doubt I could feel more guilty than I do now.

Don't feel guilty! You are not the only one involved, and I am sure that
there are many alternatives that you can consider. E.g. you could hire a
nanny if you can afford that, or have an au-pair.

--
-- I
mommy to DS (21m)
mommy to two tiny angels (28 Oct 2003 & 17 Feb 2004)
guardian of DH (33)

I think you'll find a lot more women are depressed in pregnancy than you
realise. People talk about post-natal depression, but for a lot of women it
sets in well before the baby is born.
I suffer from bouts of depression when not pregnant, and find that the
rollercoaster of emotions involved in a pregnancy combined with the cocktail
of hormones in my blood don't make for a good mix. Don't feel guilty about
it, but do consider getting help, you shouldn't have to go this alone.
As Leslie said, some antidepressants are considered ok in pg/breastfeeding,
your GP may decide there is more risk to you and your baby from depression
than any risk that an antidepressant might pose, depending what stage of pg
you are at.
If you don't want to take anything during pg, and that is fine, talk therapy
can be very helpful. Sometimes we just need a non-judgemental listening ear,
to 'get it all out', and partners and family aren't always the best people
for that.
None of this means you don't love your husband, or your baby, you're going
through a rough time so cut yourself a bit of slack.
((((hugs))))
Amy

"Gianna" wrote in message
om...
I am not sure this is the right group, but I am desperate...
I always imagined pregnancy would be a happy time. It's not. I am
getting progressively more depressed about this pregnancy. To begin
with, my husband I work in two different states. If we want to
practice in our fields, this is the only way. We both have advanced
degrees and both have worked long and hard to get where we are. Now
that I am pregnant, I have to leave my job for a year and go where he
lives. He earns more money than I do so that seemed a logical thing to
do. The problem is--I cannot imagine coming back to my job in a year,
alone with an infant. I am severely conflicted, and I am getting very
resentful toward my husband and the baby. I have developed "major
depression", and I am seriously doubting I should have this baby in
such a confused state of mind.

Has anybody been in such a situation?
Please no flames--I doubt I could feel more guilty than I do now.
Gianna

Thank you, everybody, for your kind and thoughtful responses! They
have given me some comfort in a difficult situation.
I have expressed my feelings to my husband very explicitly. He says he
understands, but he is not leaving his job if he doesn't get a good
job where I work. History has shown that this is very unlikely in this
geographic area. It is pretty much up to me to decide if I can afford
to live like a single working mom or just forget about a career. Both
situations will result in an unhappy marriage.
Gianna

Ilse Witch wrote in message ...
On Wed, 12 May 2004 20:57:17 -0700, Gianna wrote:

Has anybody been in such a situation?

Not quite the same situation, but I can totally understand why you are
feeling the way you do. Your situation is indeed far from optimal, and the
pregnancy hormones will be adding to your current state of mind as well.

First and foremost, express these feelings towards your husband. You are
already much more bonded with your baby and more aware of the issues after
birth than he is. You say you are living apart, so how involved is he with
the pregnancy? For him it may be all just a "far-away thing". Does he join
you for your prenatal checks, u/s, etc?

You have both decided to have a baby, and so the responsibilities should
be balanced. That doesn't mean you need to share them exactly 50/50. You
seem to have decided to continue living apart after birth. Are you
absolutely sure this is the only way? Does your husband realize what he
will miss and what he is asking from you if you are to take full time
care of the baby alone? It is important you talk this through. Not just
the duties, but also the fun and love he will miss are enormous.

You may find after giving birth that your job is far less important than
you felt before. Try to figure out if there are really no alternatives to
your situation. In our case, my DH eventually gave up his job when we
moved from Europe to the US for mine. He has a part-time job below his

level of experience, but he enjoys it ten times better as there is much
less stress and responsibility. Plus he gets to spend 3 full days with DS,
for which I sometimes envy him.

Please no flames--I doubt I could feel more guilty than I do now.

Don't feel guilty! You are not the only one involved, and I am sure that
there are many alternatives that you can consider. E.g. you could hire a
nanny if you can afford that, or have an au-pair.

"Gianna" wrote in message
om...
Thank you, everybody, for your kind and thoughtful responses! They
have given me some comfort in a difficult situation.
I have expressed my feelings to my husband very explicitly. He says he
understands, but he is not leaving his job if he doesn't get a good
job where I work. History has shown that this is very unlikely in this
geographic area. It is pretty much up to me to decide if I can afford
to live like a single working mom or just forget about a career. Both
situations will result in an unhappy marriage.
Gianna

What about trying to find a job in his area?
If you take one year maternity leave you'll have time to see if you can find
one... I'm sure that you'll find something rewarding for you! In one year a
lot can happen. Just relax and enjoy your pregnancy!
Anne

Dear Gianna,
I am so sorry to hear things aren't going well for you. I haven't been
in your exact situation but I know what it's like to feel scared and
depressed while pregnant.
One of the feelings I had with my first pregnancy that really surprised
me was how alone I felt. I realized that I am the one who is pregnant
and I have to do all the hard stuff myself- like carry the baby, deliver
and much more, not my husband. I felt very resentful toward my husband
because I realized how enormously our responsibilities differed. The
feelings you are having about you giving up things and compromising your
life by moving and giving up your job are very, very real.
However, it may be hard to imagine but things will work out and no
matter what you will never regret having your sweet little baby.

Best wishes
Wendy

Wendy;

Though unrelated to this thread, but when you mentioned how you're
taking more responsibilities than your husband, I had to smile. In an
attempt to correct this inbalance of responsibilities I tried t
convince my husband for our child to either carry my last name as a
middle name or have a hyphenated last name "his last name - my last
name". Hahahahahaha then I realized how real unfair this all is. I am
the incubator, I carry the weight, I nurse, I take care of the baby & I
CAN NOT make my hsuband see that she should carry my name too.
Now that is unfair.

Wendy wrote:
Dear Gianna,
I am so sorry to hear things aren't going well for you. I haven't been
in your exact situation but I know what it's like to feel scared and
depressed while pregnant.
One of the feelings I had with my first pregnancy that really surprised
me was how alone I felt. I realized that I am the one who is pregnant
and I have to do all the hard stuff myself- like carry the baby, deliver
and much more, not my husband. I felt very resentful toward my husband
because I realized how enormously our responsibilities differed. The
feelings you are having about you giving up things and compromising your
life by moving and giving up your job are very, very real.
However, it may be hard to imagine but things will work out and no
matter what you will never regret having your sweet little baby.

Best wishes
Wendy