Should I "just get over it"? How

Hi everyone,

I have a problem that has been eating at me off and on for a couple of years
now. At the beginning of 2nd grade -- at the orientation -- we met a new
girl and her mother. We worked hard to help them integrate into the new
school. We invited the daughter over, introduced them to another family on
their street with a daughter the same age, met them at a school function and
introduced them around. I mean, we really went out of our way to help them.

In January, about 3 months later, my DD was over at their house for a
playdate. I went to pick her up, and the girls were upstairs having a good
time. When I called her to go, DD became angry, saying that the girl had
promised her the pictures they were working on, and now she was trying to
keep them. She stomped a little bit and complained a little bit. But she
did get her shoes on and got ready to go. She was not being her most
polite, but she wasn't hitting or screaming or throwing a full-blown tantrum
or anything. So when the other mom said, "Oh, well, I guess they can play
at school." I was very surprised. I said, "Oh, have they been having
problems the whole time?" She said, "No, they've been having a great time
up until now."

So, I decided I'd just heard wrong or misunderstood. And a couple of weeks
later we called and asked her to come over. I'd had to leave a message on
the machine and was out when she called back, but I came home to the
following message, "I thought you understood that we would not be doing
playdates anymore. The girls are welcome to play together at school, but
after what happened, I don't think they should play outside of school
anymore."

So that was it -- after one minor stomping incident, my DD was banned from
her house forever. I was so shocked that at first I couldn't even look the
woman in the eye, much less be polite to her. But it's a small school and
we see each other often, so I finally decided I had to try to bury the
hatchet. I explained to her why I'd been avoiding her, apologized, and
told her I'd try to do better. Her only response was feigned confusion as
to why I'd been mad. She didn't say she understood my feelings, she didn't
say she'd over-reacted. She's never held out an olive branch and said,
"Hey, let's give this another try." despite the fact that it's been two
years now and our daughters are still friends.

Now it's two years later, and with younger siblings this woman is likely to
be in my life for another 4 years at least. 11 years if we keep running
into each other when the kids are in middle and high school. I *so* want to
tell her off. Get her to quit giving me that sickly sweet, confused, smug,
superior little smile whenever we see each other.

Okay, I know that telling her off is the wrong thing to do. But should I
really "get over it"? Would you get over it if your child was banned for
life from someone else's home?

"bizby40" wrote in message
...
Hi everyone,

I have a problem that has been eating at me off and on for a couple of
years now. At the beginning of 2nd grade -- at the orientation -- we met
a new girl and her mother. We worked hard to help them integrate into the
new school. We invited the daughter over, introduced them to another
family on their street with a daughter the same age, met them at a school
function and introduced them around. I mean, we really went out of our
way to help them.

In January, about 3 months later, my DD was over at their house for a
playdate. I went to pick her up, and the girls were upstairs having a
good time. When I called her to go, DD became angry, saying that the girl
had promised her the pictures they were working on, and now she was trying
to keep them. She stomped a little bit and complained a little bit. But
she did get her shoes on and got ready to go. She was not being her most
polite, but she wasn't hitting or screaming or throwing a full-blown
tantrum or anything. So when the other mom said, "Oh, well, I guess they
can play at school." I was very surprised. I said, "Oh, have they been
having problems the whole time?" She said, "No, they've been having a
great time up until now."

So, I decided I'd just heard wrong or misunderstood. And a couple of
weeks later we called and asked her to come over. I'd had to leave a
message on the machine and was out when she called back, but I came home
to the following message, "I thought you understood that we would not be
doing playdates anymore. The girls are welcome to play together at
school, but after what happened, I don't think they should play outside of
school anymore."

So that was it -- after one minor stomping incident, my DD was banned from
her house forever. I was so shocked that at first I couldn't even look
the woman in the eye, much less be polite to her. But it's a small school
and we see each other often, so I finally decided I had to try to bury the
hatchet. I explained to her why I'd been avoiding her, apologized, and
told her I'd try to do better. Her only response was feigned confusion as
to why I'd been mad. She didn't say she understood my feelings, she
didn't say she'd over-reacted. She's never held out an olive branch and
said, "Hey, let's give this another try." despite the fact that it's been
two years now and our daughters are still friends.

Now it's two years later, and with younger siblings this woman is likely
to be in my life for another 4 years at least. 11 years if we keep
running into each other when the kids are in middle and high school. I
*so* want to tell her off. Get her to quit giving me that sickly sweet,
confused, smug, superior little smile whenever we see each other.

Okay, I know that telling her off is the wrong thing to do. But should I
really "get over it"? Would you get over it if your child was banned for
life from someone else's home?


Listen, this lady is WHACKO. It's unfortunate but that's that. Really - I'm
sorry - I've run into some irrational people too - but you might want to
hope the girls find a reason to break off the friendship before another
"incident". If this woman thinks she has reason to call off all
extra-curricular activity because her daughter couldn't share nice I'd let
it go!

Who knows - maybe at her last school "Muffy" went nuts on a playmate & momma
is following the suggestions of a psycologist! (or parole officer - LOL)

On Wed, 26 Jan 2005 13:10:41 -0500, "bizby40"
scribbled:

Hi everyone,

I have a problem that has been eating at me off and on for a couple of years
now. At the beginning of 2nd grade -- at the orientation -- we met a new
girl and her mother. We worked hard to help them integrate into the new
school. We invited the daughter over, introduced them to another family on
their street with a daughter the same age, met them at a school function and
introduced them around. I mean, we really went out of our way to help them.

In January, about 3 months later, my DD was over at their house for a
playdate. I went to pick her up, and the girls were upstairs having a good
time. When I called her to go, DD became angry, saying that the girl had
promised her the pictures they were working on, and now she was trying to
keep them. She stomped a little bit and complained a little bit. But she
did get her shoes on and got ready to go. She was not being her most
polite, but she wasn't hitting or screaming or throwing a full-blown tantrum
or anything. So when the other mom said, "Oh, well, I guess they can play
at school." I was very surprised. I said, "Oh, have they been having
problems the whole time?" She said, "No, they've been having a great time
up until now."

So, I decided I'd just heard wrong or misunderstood. And a couple of weeks
later we called and asked her to come over. I'd had to leave a message on
the machine and was out when she called back, but I came home to the
following message, "I thought you understood that we would not be doing
playdates anymore. The girls are welcome to play together at school, but
after what happened, I don't think they should play outside of school
anymore."

So that was it -- after one minor stomping incident, my DD was banned from
her house forever. I was so shocked that at first I couldn't even look the
woman in the eye, much less be polite to her. But it's a small school and
we see each other often, so I finally decided I had to try to bury the
hatchet. I explained to her why I'd been avoiding her, apologized, and
told her I'd try to do better. Her only response was feigned confusion as
to why I'd been mad. She didn't say she understood my feelings, she didn't
say she'd over-reacted. She's never held out an olive branch and said,
"Hey, let's give this another try." despite the fact that it's been two
years now and our daughters are still friends.

Now it's two years later, and with younger siblings this woman is likely to
be in my life for another 4 years at least. 11 years if we keep running
into each other when the kids are in middle and high school. I *so* want to
tell her off. Get her to quit giving me that sickly sweet, confused, smug,
superior little smile whenever we see each other.

Okay, I know that telling her off is the wrong thing to do. But should I
really "get over it"? Would you get over it if your child was banned for
life from someone else's home?

While I can understand your hurt feelings over the incident, it's not
likely to improve after 2 years. Yes, I would make myself get over
it. I would decide I wouldn't want my child around someone so
intolerant of typical behavior, and look towards making friends with
other parents.

I'm not sure why you think this woman is "in your life" at all, let
alone for another 4 years. She's merely another parent at the same
school. You're not required to interact with her on any level if you
choose not to. You're wanting her to apologize, and she's just not
going to.

Honestly, I'd just focus on getting to know others and nurture those
friendships and ignore her immaturity.

Nan

bizby40 wrote:

Hi everyone,

I have a problem that has been eating at me off and on for a couple of years
now. At the beginning of 2nd grade -- at the orientation -- we met a new
girl and her mother. We worked hard to help them integrate into the new
school. We invited the daughter over, introduced them to another family on
their street with a daughter the same age, met them at a school function and
introduced them around. I mean, we really went out of our way to help them.

In January, about 3 months later, my DD was over at their house for a
playdate. I went to pick her up, and the girls were upstairs having a good
time. When I called her to go, DD became angry, saying that the girl had
promised her the pictures they were working on, and now she was trying to
keep them. She stomped a little bit and complained a little bit. But she
did get her shoes on and got ready to go. She was not being her most
polite, but she wasn't hitting or screaming or throwing a full-blown tantrum
or anything. So when the other mom said, "Oh, well, I guess they can play
at school." I was very surprised. I said, "Oh, have they been having
problems the whole time?" She said, "No, they've been having a great time
up until now."

So, I decided I'd just heard wrong or misunderstood. And a couple of weeks
later we called and asked her to come over. I'd had to leave a message on
the machine and was out when she called back, but I came home to the
following message, "I thought you understood that we would not be doing
playdates anymore. The girls are welcome to play together at school, but
after what happened, I don't think they should play outside of school
anymore."

So that was it -- after one minor stomping incident, my DD was banned from
her house forever. I was so shocked that at first I couldn't even look the
woman in the eye, much less be polite to her. But it's a small school and
we see each other often, so I finally decided I had to try to bury the
hatchet. I explained to her why I'd been avoiding her, apologized, and
told her I'd try to do better. Her only response was feigned confusion as
to why I'd been mad. She didn't say she understood my feelings, she didn't
say she'd over-reacted. She's never held out an olive branch and said,
"Hey, let's give this another try." despite the fact that it's been two
years now and our daughters are still friends.

Now it's two years later, and with younger siblings this woman is likely to
be in my life for another 4 years at least. 11 years if we keep running
into each other when the kids are in middle and high school. I *so* want to
tell her off. Get her to quit giving me that sickly sweet, confused, smug,
superior little smile whenever we see each other.

Okay, I know that telling her off is the wrong thing to do. But should I
really "get over it"? Would you get over it if your child was banned for
life from someone else's home?

Bizby, I certainly understand your urge to fix this and can see why it
would eat away at you, but I'll share a different perspective with you
if you don't mind.

I'm overwhelmed. The demands on my time, the social calendar and my
emotions are too many. I've got to cut out people who don't fit, say
"no" to more activities and keep my eye on the ball. Dramatic people
who are energy drains in terms of needing to have Relationships With Me
are easy choices of what to cut. Not because they're bad or evil or my
world is better without them, but just because SOMETHING has to go.
I've got three kids in three different schools, a business with 300
clients, a marriage, childhood and college friends, an extensive family,
a church community and a gym. I'd be DELIGHTED if you avoided me. I
can't get through the grocery store without talking to six people.

The moral of this story is that you approach the world in a more
inclusive manner, but some people are busy trying to cut down the size
of their world, not expand it. You ought not to take it personally -
you know you aren't meant to be best friends with everyone - but just as
one of those facts of life. Time and proximity might fix this in the
long term... I've had neighbors become best friends over the years and
good friends fade away due to life changes... nothing is permanent in
these sorts of relationships.

So find people who are a better fit for YOU and let them determine who
is a good fit for THEM, okay?

Delenn

"bizby40" wrote in message
...
Hi everyone,

I have a problem that has been eating at me off and on for a couple of
years
now. At the beginning of 2nd grade -- at the orientation -- we met a new
girl and her mother. We worked hard to help them integrate into the new
school. We invited the daughter over, introduced them to another family
on
their street with a daughter the same age, met them at a school function
and
introduced them around. I mean, we really went out of our way to help
them.

In January, about 3 months later, my DD was over at their house for a
playdate. I went to pick her up, and the girls were upstairs having a
good
time. When I called her to go, DD became angry, saying that the girl had
promised her the pictures they were working on, and now she was trying to
keep them. She stomped a little bit and complained a little bit. But she
did get her shoes on and got ready to go. She was not being her most
polite, but she wasn't hitting or screaming or throwing a full-blown
tantrum
or anything. So when the other mom said, "Oh, well, I guess they can play
at school." I was very surprised. I said, "Oh, have they been having
problems the whole time?" She said, "No, they've been having a great time
up until now."

So, I decided I'd just heard wrong or misunderstood. And a couple of
weeks
later we called and asked her to come over. I'd had to leave a message on
the machine and was out when she called back, but I came home to the
following message, "I thought you understood that we would not be doing
playdates anymore. The girls are welcome to play together at school, but
after what happened, I don't think they should play outside of school
anymore."

So that was it -- after one minor stomping incident, my DD was banned from
her house forever. I was so shocked that at first I couldn't even look
the
woman in the eye, much less be polite to her. But it's a small school and
we see each other often, so I finally decided I had to try to bury the
hatchet. I explained to her why I'd been avoiding her, apologized, and
told her I'd try to do better. Her only response was feigned confusion as
to why I'd been mad. She didn't say she understood my feelings, she
didn't
say she'd over-reacted. She's never held out an olive branch and said,
"Hey, let's give this another try." despite the fact that it's been two
years now and our daughters are still friends.

Now it's two years later, and with younger siblings this woman is likely
to
be in my life for another 4 years at least. 11 years if we keep running
into each other when the kids are in middle and high school. I *so* want
to
tell her off. Get her to quit giving me that sickly sweet, confused,
smug,
superior little smile whenever we see each other.

Okay, I know that telling her off is the wrong thing to do. But should I
really "get over it"? Would you get over it if your child was banned for
life from someone else's home?


Yes. It's been two years. Let it go. Don't, however, insist your
daughters can't be friends. Take the high road and be civil to the mother.
You don't have to socialize with her, but if your daughters are going to be
friends, you have to play nice too.
~Peggy

"bizby40" wrote in message
...
Hi everyone,

I have a problem that has been eating at me off and on for a couple of
years now. At the beginning of 2nd grade -- at the orientation -- we met
a new girl and her mother. We worked hard to help them integrate into the
new school. We invited the daughter over, introduced them to another
family on their street with a daughter the same age, met them at a school
function and introduced them around. I mean, we really went out of our
way to help them.

In January, about 3 months later, my DD was over at their house for a
playdate. I went to pick her up, and the girls were upstairs having a
good time. When I called her to go, DD became angry, saying that the girl
had promised her the pictures they were working on, and now she was trying
to keep them. She stomped a little bit and complained a little bit. But
she did get her shoes on and got ready to go. She was not being her most
polite, but she wasn't hitting or screaming or throwing a full-blown
tantrum or anything. So when the other mom said, "Oh, well, I guess they
can play at school." I was very surprised. I said, "Oh, have they been
having problems the whole time?" She said, "No, they've been having a
great time up until now."

So, I decided I'd just heard wrong or misunderstood. And a couple of
weeks later we called and asked her to come over. I'd had to leave a
message on the machine and was out when she called back, but I came home
to the following message, "I thought you understood that we would not be
doing playdates anymore. The girls are welcome to play together at
school, but after what happened, I don't think they should play outside of
school anymore."

So that was it -- after one minor stomping incident, my DD was banned from
her house forever. I was so shocked that at first I couldn't even look
the woman in the eye, much less be polite to her. But it's a small school
and we see each other often, so I finally decided I had to try to bury the
hatchet. I explained to her why I'd been avoiding her, apologized, and
told her I'd try to do better. Her only response was feigned confusion as
to why I'd been mad. She didn't say she understood my feelings, she
didn't say she'd over-reacted. She's never held out an olive branch and
said, "Hey, let's give this another try." despite the fact that it's been
two years now and our daughters are still friends.

Now it's two years later, and with younger siblings this woman is likely
to be in my life for another 4 years at least. 11 years if we keep
running into each other when the kids are in middle and high school. I
*so* want to tell her off. Get her to quit giving me that sickly sweet,
confused, smug, superior little smile whenever we see each other.


Don't tell her off. But tell her what you really think. After all, her DD
was the one who broke her promise to your DD in the first place. Failing to
be a friend of your word is no better than a little stomping.

Okay, I know that telling her off is the wrong thing to do. But should I
really "get over it"? Would you get over it if your child was banned for
life from someone else's home?


I would be pleased that I did not have to deal with the mother, unless my
child was actively pursuing more engagement.

In article , bizby40 says...

Hi everyone,

I have a problem that has been eating at me off and on for a couple of years
now. At the beginning of 2nd grade -- at the orientation -- we met a new
girl and her mother. We worked hard to help them integrate into the new
school. We invited the daughter over, introduced them to another family on
their street with a daughter the same age, met them at a school function and
introduced them around. I mean, we really went out of our way to help them.

In January, about 3 months later, my DD was over at their house for a
playdate. I went to pick her up, and the girls were upstairs having a good
time. When I called her to go, DD became angry, saying that the girl had
promised her the pictures they were working on, and now she was trying to
keep them. She stomped a little bit and complained a little bit. But she
did get her shoes on and got ready to go. She was not being her most
polite, but she wasn't hitting or screaming or throwing a full-blown tantrum
or anything. So when the other mom said, "Oh, well, I guess they can play
at school." I was very surprised. I said, "Oh, have they been having
problems the whole time?" She said, "No, they've been having a great time
up until now."

So, I decided I'd just heard wrong or misunderstood. And a couple of weeks
later we called and asked her to come over. I'd had to leave a message on
the machine and was out when she called back, but I came home to the
following message, "I thought you understood that we would not be doing
playdates anymore. The girls are welcome to play together at school, but
after what happened, I don't think they should play outside of school
anymore."

So that was it -- after one minor stomping incident, my DD was banned from
her house forever. I was so shocked that at first I couldn't even look the
woman in the eye, much less be polite to her. But it's a small school and
we see each other often, so I finally decided I had to try to bury the
hatchet. I explained to her why I'd been avoiding her, apologized, and
told her I'd try to do better. Her only response was feigned confusion as
to why I'd been mad. She didn't say she understood my feelings, she didn't
say she'd over-reacted. She's never held out an olive branch and said,
"Hey, let's give this another try." despite the fact that it's been two
years now and our daughters are still friends.

It does sound she over-reacted. Are you sure all that happened is what you
heard just after you arrived? Either there's more to it (but it sounds like too
much time has passed to bother with it or even hope to get a good accounting of
it), or the mother is just a very low-tolerance person.

Either way, it's nothing to eat yourself up about. It's just a disagreement,
with a person you've found to be a bit too touchy for your tastes. She's not
doing anythiing against you from your telling. So it's not really a problem.
Surely you don't expect to like *everyone*, do you??

Don't confuse *your* friendships and other relationships with your daughter's
friendships. If your daughter can play with her at school and that's fine with
her then fine. You needn't extend yourself to the mother in any way; you only
need to be civil in your interactions with her. At school functions, just say
hello to her if she says hello to you, otherwise busy yourself with your other
friends.

Banty

On Wed, 26 Jan 2005 13:34:06 -0500, Delenn
scribbled:

I'm overwhelmed. The demands on my time, the social calendar and my
emotions are too many. I've got to cut out people who don't fit, say
"no" to more activities and keep my eye on the ball. Dramatic people
who are energy drains in terms of needing to have Relationships With Me
are easy choices of what to cut. Not because they're bad or evil or my
world is better without them, but just because SOMETHING has to go.
I've got three kids in three different schools, a business with 300
clients, a marriage, childhood and college friends, an extensive family,
a church community and a gym. I'd be DELIGHTED if you avoided me. I
can't get through the grocery store without talking to six people.

The moral of this story is that you approach the world in a more
inclusive manner, but some people are busy trying to cut down the size
of their world, not expand it. You ought not to take it personally -
you know you aren't meant to be best friends with everyone - but just as
one of those facts of life. Time and proximity might fix this in the
long term... I've had neighbors become best friends over the years and
good friends fade away due to life changes... nothing is permanent in
these sorts of relationships.

So find people who are a better fit for YOU and let them determine who
is a good fit for THEM, okay?

Most of your post is spot-on, but I have to wonder... if you were
attempting to cut down on the size of your world, would you attempt
playdates to begin with? Or, if confronted with ignoring someone, are
you going to be honest and tell them it's because you're just too
overwhelmed, or would you act like it sounds the mother in question
has, and avoid the issue?

I've btdt with the busy-ness of life and needing to scale back on
people and activities, but I never just dropped someone, or was
dishonest about why... it's much easier to tell someone you've got too
many irons in the fire, than to carry on a charade.

Nan

"bizby40" wrote in message
...
Now it's two years later, and with younger siblings this woman is likely
to be in my life for another 4 years at least. 11 years if we keep
running into each other when the kids are in middle and high school. I
*so* want to tell her off. Get her to quit giving me that sickly sweet,
confused, smug, superior little smile whenever we see each other.

Okay, I know that telling her off is the wrong thing to do. But should I
really "get over it"? Would you get over it if your child was banned for
life from someone else's home?

Yes. Get over it. She's not worth your energy. Just because you see her
does not mean you have to be friends with her. The kids can see each other
at school, just like she said. When people ban me from their life (thank
goodness it's a rare thing ;-)), I figure it's all for the best. I mean,
why would I want to go out of my way to be friends with them? Anger and
resentment only eat away at you and does not affect her in the least, so let
it go.

Sounds like a wackjob. You are better off finding other parents at
school to spend your time and effort on instead of her. Any parent that
reacts like that to something that sounds so inane should be a person
you don't want your kid around anyway.

Jason