Should I "just get over it"? How

bizby40 wrote:
[snip]
Now it's two years later, and with younger siblings this woman is likely
to be in my life for another 4 years at least.***11*years*if*we*keep
running into each other when the kids are in middle and high school.**I*so
want*to tell her off.**Get*her*to*quit*giving*me*that*sickly*sweet,
confused,*smug, superior little smile whenever we see each other.

What power that woman has over you! She can annoy you every time she
sees you just by smiling!

Okay, I know that telling her off is the wrong thing to do.**But*should*I
really "get over it"?**Would*you*get*over*it*if*your*child*was*bann ed*for
life from someone else's home?

You should definitely get over it. I don't think this other woman sounds
very nice, and I'm not sure I'd want my daughter mixing with someone as
manipulative as she is.

If someone banned one of my children on the basis of such a trivial incident
there isn't actually a great deal I can do. Maybe they are banning every
child, and their own child will have no-one left to play with. Maybe they
just don't like you. But when it comes down to it, its their house, their
rules and their say.

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three

In article ,
"bizby40" wrote:

Okay, I know that telling her off is the wrong thing to do. But should I
really "get over it"? Would you get over it if your child was banned for
life from someone else's home?

BTDT -- and it IS really hard to get over.

I read a lot of people responding as though you are upset because of the
way the woman is treating YOU. However, if I'm reading you correctly,
you are hurt and maybe a bit bewildered by how this woman treated your
daughter -- how could ANYONE not want your sweet child to come to their
house -- and what is so awful about your daughter or your house that
ANYONE would not want their child to come over!?!?

I remember how horribly hurt and angry I was when I found out that one
of my children wasn't allowed to associate with another child, or that a
child had been told they couldn't come to our house. Generally, this
was not people I knew well, or considered friends, so I know I wasn't
upset about MY relationships.

So I sympathize with you -- I know, first hand, how awful this is. But
yes, you DO have to get over it. The anger you are feeling is only
hurting yourself. You and this woman are not friends. If you end up
being thrown into a closer relationship (serving on the same committee,
for example) you might need to arrange some sort of meeting that will
allow you to tell her how you feel -- or not. As your daughters get
older, they may become closer friends, and may insist on visiting at
each others houses -- or they may just be classmates. Either way, it's
OK. You can just decide that the woman is just a bit out of whack, it
really isn't personal, and work on letting go of the anger and hurt.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

"Stephanie Stowe" wrote in message
...
Don't tell her off. But tell her what you really think. After all, her DD
was the one who broke her promise to your DD in the first place. Failing
to be a friend of your word is no better than a little stomping.

Hm. Well, it's hard to say who said what. My DD said hers promised her the
pictures, but her dd probably said something different. I don't really feel
like re-hashing the argument.

Okay, I know that telling her off is the wrong thing to do. But should I
really "get over it"? Would you get over it if your child was banned for
life from someone else's home?


I would be pleased that I did not have to deal with the mother, unless my
child was actively pursuing more engagement.

LOL. But my child is. She knows she isn't allowed to invite her over for
individual playdates, and why, but she still wants to invite her for her
birthday parties. And once she wanted to have 4 girls over (including this
one) for a group playdate. I was so torn up trying to decide whether or not
that was "banned" as well. I finally decided that she could invite the girl
to any group activities she wanted, but I warned her that her mother might
not let the girl come.

Bizby

"Peggy" wrote:
Yes. It's been two years. Let it go. Don't, however, insist your
daughters can't be friends. Take the high road and be civil to the
mother.
You don't have to socialize with her, but if your daughters are going to
be
friends, you have to play nice too.
~Peggy


"bizby40" replied:
Believe me, this is what I've been trying to do. But knowing that I
should
get over it, and not getting stirred up again when I see her are two
different things. Any ideas?

Bizby


mmmm, counseling?

~Peggy

"Banty" wrote in message
...
It does sound she over-reacted. Are you sure all that happened is what
you
heard just after you arrived? Either there's more to it (but it sounds
like too
much time has passed to bother with it or even hope to get a good
accounting of
it), or the mother is just a very low-tolerance person.

That's what I thought -- that there must be more to it. That's why I asked
at the time if they'd been having other trouble. But the answer she gave
then was no.

Surely you don't expect to like *everyone*, do you??

Lol, no. But the other mothers that I dislike haven't actually insulted me
or my daughter. So I don't *actively* dislike them.

Don't confuse *your* friendships and other relationships with your
daughter's
friendships. If your daughter can play with her at school and that's fine
with
her then fine. You needn't extend yourself to the mother in any way; you
only
need to be civil in your interactions with her. At school functions, just
say
hello to her if she says hello to you, otherwise busy yourself with your
other
friends.

Banty

Thanks for the no-nonsense advice.

Bizby

On Wed, 26 Jan 2005 14:49:26 -0500, "bizby40"
scribbled:


"Peggy" wrote in message
...
Yes. It's been two years. Let it go. Don't, however, insist your
daughters can't be friends. Take the high road and be civil to the
mother.
You don't have to socialize with her, but if your daughters are going to
be
friends, you have to play nice too.
~Peggy

Believe me, this is what I've been trying to do. But knowing that I should
get over it, and not getting stirred up again when I see her are two
different things. Any ideas?

My sure-fire way of getting past someone that affects me like that is
to adopt the "screw them" attitude. I decide they're no longer good
enough for ME, and it's easier to move one.

Nan

"Welches" wrote in message
...
Well you sound really resentful, so it might be that she's wishing you
would stop giving her that glare, which she tries to react with a "nice"
smile.

Lol, I don't glare. I just don't look at her. Yes, I'm resentful.

Firstly maybe there was more to it than you realise.

Maybe, though I specifically asked and she said no. And no, I don't take it
as a given that my daughter was really promised those pictures. I just
think that even assuming my daughter was completely in the wrong that day,
her reaction was over the top.

And I'd ask, perhaps their teacher (if I could do it casually) whether
they do play together, whether they have problems together or anything.
If they're not friends at school it may be that they don't really get on
and she feels that you're trying to force them to be friends.
If it seems to be on the other parents issue then I'd ignore it.
Debbie

They play together, but this child is not one of my child's "best" friends.
We've had her over for at least one party that she attended. I have done
nothing to encourage this friendship (not since that day anyway), but I
don't want to unilaterally cut it off either. We're in a small school, and
there are only a little over 30 girls in the 4th grade. The two of them are
bound to run in the same circles. Plus, one of my daughter's very best
friends is also this girl's very best friend. I can't just avoid them
altogether.

Bizby

"Nan" wrote in message
...

Yes, but aren't there other parents that you are "thrown together"
with, as well? Are you awkward around them? I'm guessing you feel
awkward because you haven't just let go, and she has.

But she doesn't have anything to let go of. And yes, there are other
parents as well. No, there are no other parents that I feel awkward around.
Why would there be? It's not like I end up in arguments with every person I
meet. The thing is that it feels to me like she told me, "Your child isn't
good enough for my child." That really stings. I'd like to "let go" and
get over it, but I keep being reminded of it. And it stings again. I'd
like to internalize "Well, she's just a whacko and so I don't care about her
opinion." But then the other parents don't have a problem with her. So I'm
stuck feeling resentful and not knowing how to get over it.

It's not a good idea to ban your daughter from her friendship with the
girl unless there are major issues. You'd look like the resentful
mother if you did that.

I've never considered doing that. I don't have anything against the
daughter.

Bizby

"Peggy" wrote in message
...
mmmm, counseling?

~Peggy


Lol -- my counselor said that she sounds like a whacko and I should just get
over it!

Seriously, it's not like I'm obsessed with this. It may sound like it since
that's all we're talking about in this thread. For many months I won't
think about it at all, but then something happens. The latest is that my
daughter wants to invite this girl to her birthday party. I just get
reminded of the unfairness of the situation.

Bizby

"Nan" wrote in message
...

My sure-fire way of getting past someone that affects me like that is
to adopt the "screw them" attitude. I decide they're no longer good
enough for ME, and it's easier to move one.

Nan

Lol -- need to work on my self-esteem, eh?