Very worried that our 7 month old baby is becoming spoilt

Dear All,

I am very worried that we are/have spoilt our now 7 month old baby
boy. We are first time parents (41 and 38).

When we had our boy, we and everyone noticed immediately how alert and
curious he was from birth, so we 'showed him everything around him'.

Now that he is older, and can see, and control his arms and hands (he
can't crawl yet) he let's us know when he wants to get nearer to an
object that he want's to explore so that he can touch and usually put
it in his mouth (last night it was the clock radio next to our bed) -
usually to grind with his two bottom teeth (yes he does have teething
rings and uses those but we are talking something else here - related
to wanting to touch and explore objects around him, like plants,
flowers etc as well).

The signs that I see that concern me that we are/have spoilt him are
that if we don't take him nearer to the object he wants to see closer,
then he starts crying and screaming. We usually give in.

We started out showing him things like this because we wanted to
satisfy his curiousity and because we didn't want to buy him loads of
toys - now we are wondering if we have made a big mistake.

Please advise what we can do - before it's too late.

Thank you.

P.S. The way we usually try to get around not giving him what he
wants is to distract him of this object by showing him something we
don't mind him damaging - sometime this works, sometimes not. Last
night when he wanted to touch the bedside clock radio, that didn't
work.

A_Newsreader wrote:

Dear All,

I am very worried that we are/have spoilt our now 7 month old baby
boy. We are first time parents (41 and 38).

When we had our boy, we and everyone noticed immediately how alert and
curious he was from birth, so we 'showed him everything around him'.

Now that he is older, and can see, and control his arms and hands (he
can't crawl yet) he let's us know when he wants to get nearer to an
object that he want's to explore so that he can touch and usually put
it in his mouth (last night it was the clock radio next to our bed) -
usually to grind with his two bottom teeth (yes he does have teething
rings and uses those but we are talking something else here - related
to wanting to touch and explore objects around him, like plants,
flowers etc as well).

The signs that I see that concern me that we are/have spoilt him are
that if we don't take him nearer to the object he wants to see closer,
then he starts crying and screaming. We usually give in.

We started out showing him things like this because we wanted to
satisfy his curiousity and because we didn't want to buy him loads of
toys - now we are wondering if we have made a big mistake.

Please advise what we can do - before it's too late.

Thank you.

P.S. The way we usually try to get around not giving him what he
wants is to distract him of this object by showing him something we
don't mind him damaging - sometime this works, sometimes not. Last
night when he wanted to touch the bedside clock radio, that didn't
work.


I can't imagine why you think this is a problem? First,
you can't spoil a little baby like that, particularly by
allowing him to satisfy his curiosity. On the other hand,
of course there are things he will want that are dangerous
or inappropriate for him to have. When he wants something
he can't have, you simply redirect him to something else.
He may fuss at that--who wouldn't?--but you just go on
tempting him with something more suitable.
He's too young to be manipulative at this point,
but he's not too young to be told "no" when something
is inappropriate or dangerous for him. Certainly, if
all it takes is some screeching for him to get you to
give in on something you think is dangerous or inappropriate,
he likely *will* be spoiled someday. But if it's just
a matter of you being willing to allow him to explore things
that are reasonable for him to explore, that's not being
spoiled. That's being a good parent. Personally, it
doesn't sound to me like he's spoiled. He just sounds
like a curious baby who's found an effective way to
communicate his interests with you.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"A_Newsreader" wrote in message
om...

P.S. The way we usually try to get around not giving him what he
wants is to distract him of this object by showing him something we
don't mind him damaging - sometime this works, sometimes not. Last
night when he wanted to touch the bedside clock radio, that didn't
work.

He sounds to me like an utterly normal 7 month old, who is developing
utterly normal 'object permanence' - that is, he knows the item is still
there even when it's not in sight. The answer is: redirect, redirect,
redirect. Take him out of the room, away from the forbidden object, and
redirect. This is not a spoiled child (yet - if he were 2, or (shudder) 3
or 4, and still acting like this, I'd dislike being in his presence, but he
is a *baby*), this is an infant who wants to explore the world he sees.

Myself, I'd get him a few more toys, and switch them out every day or so. My
6 month old's favorite toys these days are things like spoons and
toothbrushes - long, easily held in a chubby hand, and infinitely chewable.

--angela

On Thu, 05 Feb 2004 20:31:29 -0800, A_Newsreader wrote:

We started out showing him things like this because we wanted to satisfy
his curiousity and because we didn't want to buy him loads of toys - now
we are wondering if we have made a big mistake.

It sounds like you have a perfectly normal 7 month old. At this age babies
cannot be spoiled, they have absolutely no grasp of cause and action.

There are two things at stake here. First of all, you have "trained" your
son that he can get close to objects with your help and explore them, and
now all of a sudden, you stop doing that at times. That is very confusing
for a 7 month old. Second, he may also be frustrated that he is not able
to move himself closer to the objects, and letting him fuss for a while
might motivate him to start crawling or rolling towards it.

The most important thing in a a baby's life is consitency. Of course you
don't want him to touch everything, so pick some objects that he is
allowed to explore, and steer away from anything forbidden. This may imply
you have to steer him away from something a hundred times a day or more.
Sometimes letting him explore under your supervision will help.

--
-- I
mommy to DS (19m)
mommy to a tiny angel (Oct 2003)
EDD October 1
guardian of DH (33)
War doesn't decide who's right, only who's left

"A_Newsreader" wrote in message
om...


The signs that I see that concern me that we are/have spoilt him are
that if we don't take him nearer to the object he wants to see closer,
then he starts crying and screaming. We usually give in.

We started out showing him things like this because we wanted to
satisfy his curiousity and because we didn't want to buy him loads of
toys - now we are wondering if we have made a big mistake.

Please advise what we can do - before it's too late.

I am pretty convinced that you can't spoil a baby under one year. So I
wouldn't worry too much about that. Your child sounds perfectly normal to
me - energetic and curious, with little or no tolerance for frustration.

I think that like all of us who are parenting toddlers, it's begins to be
important to try to start civilizing them at about the year mark, but with
an understanding of toddler development. It's normal for toddlers to be
demanding and intolerant of not getting what they want. Civilizing them out
of that takes a few years. But 7 months is too young to be identifying
those behaviours as abnormal (spoiling). Your baby is doing what he is
supposed to do.


Donna

"Donna" wrote in message ...
"A_Newsreader" wrote in message
om...


The signs that I see that concern me that we are/have spoilt him are
that if we don't take him nearer to the object he wants to see closer,
then he starts crying and screaming. We usually give in.

We started out showing him things like this because we wanted to
satisfy his curiousity and because we didn't want to buy him loads of
toys - now we are wondering if we have made a big mistake.

Please advise what we can do - before it's too late.

I am pretty convinced that you can't spoil a baby under one year. So I
wouldn't worry too much about that. Your child sounds perfectly normal to
me - energetic and curious, with little or no tolerance for frustration.

I think that like all of us who are parenting toddlers, it's begins to be
important to try to start civilizing them at about the year mark, but with
an understanding of toddler development. It's normal for toddlers to be
demanding and intolerant of not getting what they want. Civilizing them out
of that takes a few years. But 7 months is too young to be identifying
those behaviours as abnormal (spoiling). Your baby is doing what he is
supposed to do.


Donna

Thanks to all of you who have replied,

It seems that everyone replying is saying that he is just normal, and
that we aren't spoiling him and that at this age he can't be spoilt.

As an example, today we had to give in and let him pull off a flower
head in my in-law's garden as he was very curious about them, found
them attractive and made it very clear that he wanted to get close.
So, he held the the first one and pulled off the flower head but we
didn't allow him to put that in his mouth and so he started crying.
So we let him pull of a second one (no in-laws around) and this time
we let him do what he wants (so as he doesn't cry) which is to put a
few petals in between his lips.......now he's happy....

A_Newsreader wrote:


It seems that everyone replying is saying that he is just normal, and
that we aren't spoiling him and that at this age he can't be spoilt.


Correct.


As an example, today we had to give in and let him pull off a flower
head in my in-law's garden as he was very curious about them, found
them attractive and made it very clear that he wanted to get close.
So, he held the the first one and pulled off the flower head but we
didn't allow him to put that in his mouth and so he started crying.
So we let him pull of a second one (no in-laws around) and this time
we let him do what he wants (so as he doesn't cry) which is to put a
few petals in between his lips.......now he's happy....


Which is all fine as long as what you're allowing
is acceptable. It's perfectly natural for him to want
to look at something as fascinating as a flower and
explore it with all the senses he has. The undercurrent
that worries me is that you write as if you're helpless
in the face of his demands. Babies often want to do things
they just can't do, like rip the fur off the cat or put
small objects that are choking hazards in their mouths,
or whatever. In those cases, you do have to say no,
regardless of the fussing, and attempt to distract with
something else. And, as he gets older, he will very
naturally fuss for other things he wants, like toys
in the toy store. If all it takes is him fussing for
you to give him things that you don't wish him to have,
well, then you *will* have him spoilt in no time.
I don't worry at all when you say you have a
bright, inquisitive baby who's discovered an effective
way to tell you what he wants. I do worry that you focus
so much on his crying and how essential it seems to you
to stop him from crying. It sounds like he is a strong,
focused personality and wants what he wants when he wants
it. Nothing wrong with that. But if that's his personality,
it's likely to persist, and there will be times when
you're going to have to say no and stick to it.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"A_Newsreader" wrote in message
om...


It seems that everyone replying is saying that he is just normal, and
that we aren't spoiling him and that at this age he can't be spoilt.

Pretty much.



As an example, today we had to give in and let him pull off a flower
head in my in-law's garden as he was very curious about them, found
them attractive and made it very clear that he wanted to get close.
So, he held the the first one and pulled off the flower head but we
didn't allow him to put that in his mouth and so he started crying.

Well, that's fine. At about that age, my daughter wanted to teethe on the
VCR remote, and when we wouldn't let her, she would make a huge fuss.

So we let him pull of a second one (no in-laws around) and this time
we let him do what he wants (so as he doesn't cry) which is to put a
few petals in between his lips.......now he's happy....

The question I have is were *you* happy about him eating the flower? I
mean, if you don't care either way, then sure, no problem. But if you would
have preferred that he not eat the flower, yet you gave it to him anyway
because he was crying.... danger will robinson! You can't spoil a 7
month old, but you can set some patterns up that will be VERY hard for
*you*, the parents, to break, at seven months.

Look, you're the Boss Mom (or Boss Dad). If you didn't want him to eat the
flower, then you just have to take it away and put up with some wailing.
shrug That's the Parents' job description. For heaven's sake don't
start thinking it's your job to keep your child happy at all times. It's
not your job, and it's not even remotely possible, or desirable.

But if you didn't care whether he ate the flower, then ignore the above
paragraph.

Donna