Kid going away with friends

My 9 YO has been invited to go about 12 hours away for an entire week
with the family of a friend of his. This friend is a good friend, but
not someone he spends a ton of time with. Two overnight get-togethers
have gone well. My son is very sociable but also gets cranky and needs
alone time on a regular basis. The family is not an issue; I trust
them safety-wise, and they're also nice people. However, 9 seems too
young to me to have a child be that far away from home for an entire
week, and I worry about him getting sick of the family (his friend and
two younger sisters, mom, and dad) half-way through the week.

Problem is, the place they're going is a great place to go, both fun
and educational. I feel guilty about not letting him go, both because
I know it would be a great place for him to go (not that that means he
has to go this year) and because the other mother really wants him to
go for her son's sake.

Any thoughts? Are we just being babies about our "baby"?

Nevermind wrote:
My 9 YO has been invited to go about 12 hours away for an entire week
with the family of a friend of his. This friend is a good friend, but
not someone he spends a ton of time with. Two overnight get-togethers
have gone well. My son is very sociable but also gets cranky and needs
alone time on a regular basis. The family is not an issue; I trust
them safety-wise, and they're also nice people. However, 9 seems too
young to me to have a child be that far away from home for an entire
week, and I worry about him getting sick of the family (his friend and
two younger sisters, mom, and dad) half-way through the week.

Problem is, the place they're going is a great place to go, both fun
and educational. I feel guilty about not letting him go, both because
I know it would be a great place for him to go (not that that means he
has to go this year) and because the other mother really wants him to
go for her son's sake.

Any thoughts? Are we just being babies about our "baby"?


DD went off to camp for a week this year with a friend
and friend's family. She's just turned 11. I was
worried. She had a complete blast. I'm not certain
we would have sent her away 2 years ago -- but she
would have just turned 9.

What does your son say about your concerns? Does he think
he can handle the family for a week? I'd follow his lead in
that respect. If you trust the family send him along. But
beware! The house will seem VERY empty when he's gone.


Scott DD 11 and DS 8

(Nevermind) wrote:

My 9 YO has been invited to go about 12 hours away for an entire week
with the family of a friend of his. This friend is a good friend, but
not someone he spends a ton of time with. Two overnight get-togethers
have gone well. My son is very sociable but also gets cranky and needs
alone time on a regular basis. The family is not an issue; I trust
them safety-wise, and they're also nice people. However, 9 seems too
young to me to have a child be that far away from home for an entire
week, and I worry about him getting sick of the family (his friend and
two younger sisters, mom, and dad) half-way through the week.

Problem is, the place they're going is a great place to go, both fun
and educational. I feel guilty about not letting him go, both because
I know it would be a great place for him to go (not that that means he
has to go this year) and because the other mother really wants him to
go for her son's sake.

Any thoughts? Are we just being babies about our "baby"?

Has he been to camp or anything like that? By the time dd#1 was 10,
she had been both to daycamp and to overnight camp for a week (and she
went when she was 9), and when she was almost 11 she went to a
primitive horseback riding camp for a week. DD#2 went younger than
dd#1 - I think she was only a Brownie when she went to Girl Scout
camp, and she went at the youngest age that was allowed - I don't
think she was more than 7 or 8.

I personally would let him go, but ask the other mom both to make sure
he gets time alone if he gets cranky, and also to let you know so he
can come home if he gets too homesick. But DON'T tell him that
because I think that will mean that you expect him to fail.


grandma Rosalie

"Rosalie B." wrote
I personally would let him go, but ask the other mom both to make sure
he gets time alone if he gets cranky, and also to let you know so he
can come home if he gets too homesick. But DON'T tell him that
because I think that will mean that you expect him to fail.

Actually, he can't come home if he gets homesick. Only in an emergency
would we drive that far away to pick him up before the trip was over.

I feel more inclined to let him go, but my DH really doesn't. I feel
my DH is overcautious and too loathe to let go (he didn't want him
going on overnights until he was 8 -- he's our oldest), but the fact
is that I don't want to force the issue and then have my DH spend the
week feeling extremely nervous about our son. The issue of missing him
is one I think we would have to accept; it wouldn't be fair to prevent
him from doing something good for that reason alone. But my DH just
doesn't think he should be away from us for that long, that far away,
at that age. I will talk to him one more time about it today, but if
he still feels "no" as a gut reaction, I guess I'll have to go with it
even if I don't quite agree.

"Nevermind" wrote in message
m...
"Rosalie B." wrote
I personally would let him go, but ask the other mom both to make sure
he gets time alone if he gets cranky, and also to let you know so he
can come home if he gets too homesick. But DON'T tell him that
because I think that will mean that you expect him to fail.

Actually, he can't come home if he gets homesick. Only in an emergency
would we drive that far away to pick him up before the trip was over.

I feel more inclined to let him go, but my DH really doesn't. I feel
my DH is overcautious and too loathe to let go (he didn't want him
going on overnights until he was 8 -- he's our oldest), but the fact
is that I don't want to force the issue and then have my DH spend the
week feeling extremely nervous about our son. The issue of missing him
is one I think we would have to accept; it wouldn't be fair to prevent
him from doing something good for that reason alone. But my DH just
doesn't think he should be away from us for that long, that far away,
at that age. I will talk to him one more time about it today, but if
he still feels "no" as a gut reaction, I guess I'll have to go with it
even if I don't quite agree.

This is one of the few cases where I feel the child has a big
say into whether he wants to go or not. My kids did go away
for weeks at a time at a younger age. (Sleep away camp,
for a week, at age 7) But, I only let them go if they begged.
They had to really, really, really want to go. And both of them
did. The begging helps convince both parents, and they are
on their best behavior for the trip. My oldest's first sleep
away camp was 10 days, at age 7, with a friend, to a camp
I hadn't heard of but her mom checked out through her
Catholic school (my kids are not Catholic). The bus picked
them up and they were off. After 3 days I still hadn't got a
letter, so I called the friend's mother and the friend answered!!!
She was gotten kicked out for being too homesick, but my
daughter was still there, doing fine. As the girl said "Oh, she's
POPULAR!". We never did get a letter until after she got
back, and she came off the bus looking like pig pen from the
peanuts comic strip with a huge smile. This summer she's been
gone 6 our our 9 weeks of vacation, she's now 14. Our 10
year old is leaving this morning again, she will have been gone
half of the 9 weeks of summer vacation. Yep, we miss them
terribly. But darn it, they grow up no matter what we do.

In article ,
(Nevermind) wrote:

"Rosalie B." wrote
I personally would let him go, but ask the other mom both to make sure
he gets time alone if he gets cranky, and also to let you know so he
can come home if he gets too homesick. But DON'T tell him that
because I think that will mean that you expect him to fail.

Actually, he can't come home if he gets homesick. Only in an emergency
would we drive that far away to pick him up before the trip was over.

I feel more inclined to let him go, but my DH really doesn't. I feel
my DH is overcautious and too loathe to let go (he didn't want him
going on overnights until he was 8 -- he's our oldest), but the fact
is that I don't want to force the issue and then have my DH spend the
week feeling extremely nervous about our son. The issue of missing him
is one I think we would have to accept; it wouldn't be fair to prevent
him from doing something good for that reason alone. But my DH just
doesn't think he should be away from us for that long, that far away,
at that age. I will talk to him one more time about it today, but if
he still feels "no" as a gut reaction, I guess I'll have to go with it
even if I don't quite agree.


I guess I'd talk to DH about what he thinks could be a problem with him
going with a friend's familiy for a week. What does he think will go
wrong? Is he afraid your son will get homesick? Is he afraid that
he'll lose touch with you and DH? Does he think your son will misbehave
without you and DH there to keep him in line?

And what age DOES he think is OK to spend a week away? Or what sort of
things would your son have to do to prove he's old enough? I find that
sometimes asking myself those questions (or, when DH and I have
disagreed, asking him) has helped us identify the source of our
discomfort, and helped us to either change our minds or confirm our
original decision.

I would also suggest he do some "reality checks" with other parents of
kids your son's age (what you are doing here). Whenever my kids told me
that I was being too restrictive/out of touch, I'd talk to friends who
had kids the same age or a little older. Most of the time, I was able
to come back and tell my kids they were wrong -- that LOTS of other
parents had the same restrictions I did. Once in a while, I had to come
back and tell them they were right -- my friends had convinced me that I
was being overly cautious, and most kids their age WERE allowed to [fill
in the blank]. At that point, I had to put things in place to make ME
feel more comfortable, and let it go.

In this case, maybe insisting on a phone call every day at a set time
would make his Dad more comfortable.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

dragonlady wrote
I feel more inclined to let him go, but my DH really doesn't. I feel
my DH is overcautious and too loathe to let go (he didn't want him
going on overnights until he was 8 -- he's our oldest), but the fact
is that I don't want to force the issue and then have my DH spend the
week feeling extremely nervous about our son. The issue of missing him
is one I think we would have to accept; it wouldn't be fair to prevent
him from doing something good for that reason alone. But my DH just
doesn't think he should be away from us for that long, that far away,
at that age. I will talk to him one more time about it today, but if
he still feels "no" as a gut reaction, I guess I'll have to go with it
even if I don't quite agree.


I guess I'd talk to DH about what he thinks could be a problem with him
going with a friend's familiy for a week. What does he think will go
wrong? Is he afraid your son will get homesick? Is he afraid that
he'll lose touch with you and DH? Does he think your son will misbehave
without you and DH there to keep him in line?

It is pure gut feeling on his part. I recently read a relevant quote
somewhere that said (perhaps not the exact words): "You can't reason
someone out of something they didn't reason themselves into." Now, he
would defer to me if I insisted, and I have in the past insisted that
the kids be allowed to do things he was not ready for them to do, such
as overnights. But I persoanlly do not feel comfortable insisting in
this case because it is such a biggie. It's one thing to do without
your kid for a night when you didn't feel OK about them going. Quite
another for an entire week, with the kid being so far away. I cannot
take responsibility for that without his true consent -- not yet
anyway.

I would also suggest he do some "reality checks" with other parents of
kids your son's age (what you are doing here).

Yes, I think that might help in general, if not this time. I myself
was pretty surprised to have gotten only positive responses to my
question (keeping in mind it was an incredibly small group of
respondents). I really expected the responses to be more like, "A
whole week that far away at that age!?" LOL. Thanks!

In response to your DH's "gut instinct" feelings about the trip.... and I'll
share a story in which I had a gut instinct where my brother was concerned.
One morning I got up at the insane hour of 4 am. My brother is a Hot Air
Balloon Pilot. When I awoke, I was in a cold sweat, hit the shower and got
ready for the day. My brother got up at 5 to be at the field by 5:30 am. He
asked me why I was up so early and why in heaven's name I was dressed and
ready to go. I informed him that I had a bad feeling about that day's flight
and I wanted to go. He insisted that things would be ok.
The reality was that I'd had a dream about him running out of fuel over
power lines, a road down the center, a field on one side and shops on the
other. I told him about the dream and he laughed it off.
To make a long story short, he couldn't tell me no. I went anyway. I was
also dating my exhusband then as well and he came along. I insisted on going
up on the last flight (or in balloonist lingo, on the "last hop") and it was
a nice flight, even if a little short. My cousin and I were talking when I
heard my brother (he was about 16 then) say, "oh sh*t. We're out of fuel!
we're on fumes!" My guts lurched. He said, "we need to land..." My brother,
cousin and I looked over the edge of the basket and there we were, no
updraft, no down draft, no wind at all. No fuel, no place to land,
everything a private zone (PZ), a gas station on one side, farmland on the
other and Corrales Road under us. My brother basically parachuted us down
into a field behind the gast station. We screamed to my ex to get his butt
moving as he was the one driving the chase vehicle.
When we crash landed, the balloon mushroomed over us, the basket tipped, we
all kinda toppled in a stack. My brother cooled the burners and we braced
for the material to come down on us. we huddled down in the basket so the
balloon would be held off of us by the uprights. I'd never prayed so hard in
my entire life when we came within inches of hitting the powerlines! In my
dream, I saw us hit the powerlines!
I'll be honest, Even though my brother didn't want me going and insisted
that everything was fine, He later thanked me for sticking strong to my
resolve. He's learned to trust my gut feelings, as has my father, who is
also a pilot.
My best recommendation is that your DH has his gut feelings that something
bigger than homesickness or misbehaving may happen. Please, even though you
don't believe anything will happen, you and DH need to talk it out but trust
his instincts. One thing my dad taught me... "when your gut starts talkin,
you'd better listen." My grandma used to say that it was a guardian angel
whispering a warning into the ear.
BiG Snip

In article ,
(Nevermind) wrote:

dragonlady wrote
I feel more inclined to let him go, but my DH really doesn't. I feel
my DH is overcautious and too loathe to let go (he didn't want him
going on overnights until he was 8 -- he's our oldest), but the fact
is that I don't want to force the issue and then have my DH spend the
week feeling extremely nervous about our son. The issue of missing him
is one I think we would have to accept; it wouldn't be fair to prevent
him from doing something good for that reason alone. But my DH just
doesn't think he should be away from us for that long, that far away,
at that age. I will talk to him one more time about it today, but if
he still feels "no" as a gut reaction, I guess I'll have to go with it
even if I don't quite agree.


I guess I'd talk to DH about what he thinks could be a problem with him
going with a friend's familiy for a week. What does he think will go
wrong? Is he afraid your son will get homesick? Is he afraid that
he'll lose touch with you and DH? Does he think your son will misbehave
without you and DH there to keep him in line?

It is pure gut feeling on his part. I recently read a relevant quote
somewhere that said (perhaps not the exact words): "You can't reason
someone out of something they didn't reason themselves into." Now, he
would defer to me if I insisted, and I have in the past insisted that
the kids be allowed to do things he was not ready for them to do, such
as overnights. But I persoanlly do not feel comfortable insisting in
this case because it is such a biggie. It's one thing to do without
your kid for a night when you didn't feel OK about them going. Quite
another for an entire week, with the kid being so far away. I cannot
take responsibility for that without his true consent -- not yet
anyway.


I've been hanging on to this for several days, and thinking about it --
and I'm going to disagree. If you can't justify your "gut feelings"
with some sort of logical reason, then I think it's time to act on what
your head tells you is the right thing to do, NOT your gut reaction.
(Yes, I realize that you are saying it was his Dad's emotional response,
not yours -- and I agree about not being willing to insist on some
occassions -- but I'm going on with this anyway!)

There have been times when my "gut" tells me something, and when the
kids demand that I justify it I have been unable to do so. On rare
occassion, I've told them I'm going with my gut, because I'm just not
comfortable with it -- but told them they should come back and ask again
after I've had some time to think it over. (Basically, my kids know
that if they don't give me time to consider something, the answer is
likely to be "no" -- so they usually give me lots of time to think it
over, sometimes going so far as to say, "Mom, I don't want an answer
right now, but some time next week I'm probably going to ask you "x",
and I want you to start thinking about it now." And they'll go on to
tell me all of the reasons I should say "yes", but since I don't have to
give them an immidiate answer, we don't have to fight about it.)

Sometimes, upon consideration, I've traced the roots of my discomfort to
something real, and have stood by my initial decision. Other times,
I've realized that there IS no rational reason to not allow something --
I just need to get comfortable with it. In fact, I can remember telling
my oldest that I wasn't ready for her to be old enough to do something.
When she started to argue with me, I told her to listen more carefully
-- I didn't say she wasn't old enough; I'd realized that she WAS old
enough. The problem was purely that *I* wasn't ready for her to be old
enough. Since the event in question was a week away, I promised her
that I'd get myself ready in time, or just live with my own discomfort,
and gave her permission to do it.

I guess I'm saying that not being able to logically justify your
decisions isn't good enough with kids -- and saying that, since it isn't
a logical decision, logic doesn't help isn't good enough, either.
Would you accept that reasoning from your kids? As parents, we owe it
to our kids to be willing to "check" our initial, emotion based
responses, and think and consider hard about what is and is not
appropriate.


I would also suggest he do some "reality checks" with other parents of
kids your son's age (what you are doing here).

Yes, I think that might help in general, if not this time. I myself
was pretty surprised to have gotten only positive responses to my
question (keeping in mind it was an incredibly small group of
respondents). I really expected the responses to be more like, "A
whole week that far away at that age!?" LOL. Thanks!

--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

In article ,
(Nevermind) wrote:

My 9 YO has been invited to go about 12 hours away for an entire week
with the family of a friend of his. This friend is a good friend, but
not someone he spends a ton of time with. Two overnight get-togethers
have gone well. My son is very sociable but also gets cranky and needs
alone time on a regular basis. The family is not an issue; I trust
them safety-wise, and they're also nice people. However, 9 seems too
young to me to have a child be that far away from home for an entire
week, and I worry about him getting sick of the family (his friend and
two younger sisters, mom, and dad) half-way through the week.

Problem is, the place they're going is a great place to go, both fun
and educational. I feel guilty about not letting him go, both because
I know it would be a great place for him to go (not that that means he
has to go this year) and because the other mother really wants him to
go for her son's sake.

Any thoughts? Are we just being babies about our "baby"?


How does your son feel about it?

If you trust the family, and he gets along well with the whole family,
I'd say let him go. He'll have a good time, and will be glad to get
back home. The other boy will have a better time with a friend along,
and it will be easier for the parents to have a friend along for their
son. You will want to tell the other family that he gets cranky if he
doesn't have some time to himself.

And you will be extra glad to have him back home again.

In my opinion, the vast majority of nine year olds are old enough to be
away for a week.

And it's REALLY hard to let go!
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care