Kid going away with friends

This is the 3rd time I've tried responding to this post; hope to see
it posted this time!

"Rosalie B." wrote in message
. ..
If we weren't going to allow him to go, then there was no
point in
getting his opinion. Only if we felt we would allow him would we then
consult him and let him decide whether or not to go. However, I did
tell him after it was decided once and for all that he wasn't going
that he had been invited. He was angry with us. sigh

I don't blame him a bit. And actually his dad should have told him
since it was his dad that didn't let him go. There's no point in your
taking the heat. He should have to justify himself to his kid.

True.

The only reason I can think of NOT to do it that way is if you are
afraid that this will be another in a long line of unreasonablenesses
which will eventually drive the father and son apart.

Nah.

By the way, I don't see my DH's feeling about this as out-of-line
unreasonable in a way that is potentially damaging to my son or their
relationship. I think I would have been OK with allowing my son to go,
if he
had decided he wanted to (but I would have hated him being away and in
others' care for so long). But I think this was a Big Thing and most
definitely not an obvious "yes." As hard as it may be for some here to
believe, I do know a few seemingly normal people who are "further out"
than
we (well, my DH) are about their kids being in others' care for
overnights
or longer.

I think there's always a reason to get a 9-yo's
opinion about something that may or may not
impact their lives, even if it turns out that
it doesn't. One big reason is that it means
you trust and value his opinions. I think the
message you just sent your son is that what
he thinks and feels is irrelevant as far as
planning his life.

It won't work that way. His opinions and feelings are freely shared
and
taken quite seriously around here. However, we reserve the right to
still
make certain decisions for him. There are and will continue for years
to be
some issues about which he will not be able to decide for himself.

To put his anger in context, that same day, he was also angry with me
for
not allowing him to go to the pool even though he had a very bad, deep
cut
that was not yet scabbed over. I sure felt badly for him, and told him
so,
but I simply could not allow him to make the decision in this case. I
don't
see his anger over the pool as being any different than his anger over
the
trip. Both were short-lived, by the way.

A good question would be:
at what age do his feelings/thoughts become
relevant and important?

His feelings about this and every other issue are relevant and
important,
but in some cases, such as this one, they are not the deciding factor
or
even one of the deciding factors in whether or not he is *allowed* to
go.
(Of course, if we had decided it was *OK* for him to go, then he could
have
decided if he *wanted* to go.)

Scott DD 11 and DS 8


Actually, what struck me about this is that you didn't ask his opinion,
or even offer to let him tell you his thoughts before you decided -- but
told him AFTER you'd decided he couldn't go that he'd been invited and
the answer was no!

What was the point of telling him about it after you had decided he
couldn't go? That just sounds mean -- unless I'm misunderstanding your
post, and you know he DID know about the invitation.

I told him because I'm assuming he will find out about the invitation
the
next time he sees the boy. I felt it would have been mean to tell him
*before* we had decided whether it was even an option. I don't get
that
logic. Would you bring out candy to your kids and say, "So, I'm
thinking of
letting you have some candy. Uh, no, I've decided you can't. YANK."
Now,
THAT sounds mean to me. Better to decide first whether or not they can
have
the candy and then bring it out if they're allowed. They can then
refuse if
they want.

In which case I'm
surprised he wasn't lobbying, even without you asking his opinion on the
matter; I know my kids would not have been shy about letting me know
what they thought.

Yes I completely agree. Although if the other mom did as I think I
would prefer, she would have gone to the parents first, and possibly
since school is out, the other kid might not have actually told the
kid of the OP.

This isn't a school friend. I'm sure my son will see this boy within a
week.

And the flaw I see in the post about the dream about running out of
fuel is --- why didn't you take some precautions not to run out of
fuel? Like not going as far, or taking extra.

Just to clarify: I am the OP, but not the person who used a dream to
make a
decision. That's not my MO.