How to break 4 year old from shyness?

"Catherine Woodgold" wrote in message
...
"toypup" ) writes:
If the guest is
a classmate of shy child, I see a problem, because she wants to play with
shy child, not play by herself or with child's mom.

Unless you know all the child's classmates personally, I
don't think you can know this.

Many young children feel a need for more attention
from adults.

Sure, but school-age children who are going on playdates generally want to
play with the child. It would be a very rare case to see a school-age child
going on a playdate expecting to play with the parent.

bizby40 wrote:
"sscreen" wrote in message
oups.com...
Anyway... what I'm getting at is that being shy isn't necessarily a
"bad" thing. Teach the child some conversational habits, maybe even
hold conversations with her yourself, and let the rest happen
naturally.

What you don't seem to get is that there is a difference between shy
and introverted. My husband is introverted. He gets along well with
most people and isn't intimidated by anybody, but he doesn't feel the
need to seek out company. He is, as they explain in Meyers-Briggs,
energized by his time alone. Socializing is tiring for him and if he
has too many social obligations, he gets very unhappy.

--snip--

shyness involves actually
being scared of or intimidated by others. And so shyness *is*
necessarily a bad thing -- or at least an unfortunate one for the
person involved.

I get along well with most people once I know them. Maybe I'm an
introvert.
I hate the idea of going to a party where I won't know most of the
people and being put in a situation where I won't have anyone to talk
to, but to try to find a new friend to pass the time with. maybe I'm
shy.

I've never had the difference between "shy" and "introverted" explained
to me. I was always told I was just shy. Because I was never the life
of the party, because I would sit quietly and let everyone else do the
talking, because because because. Whatever I "suffer" from, I still
say, that I don't -suffer- from it. I enjoy who I am, and dont feel the
need to make new friends all the time, or even to keep in contact with
the few friends I do make if situations cause us to go our seperate
ways.

I'd hate for someone to force me into an activity that required me to
socialize with someone I didn't know, or barely knew. I'm able to make
friends, but I want them to be of my own choosing. My dh wants me to be
best friends with "his" best friends wives, but that doesn't work for
me. A lot of times, they are not the sort of people I wish to be
friends with, and it upsets him that I don't go out of my way to talk
to them, or be friendly. All i can say is be glad that I'm not being
antagonistic towards them, and don't expect me to be best friends with
them just because you happen to be friends with their spouse.

I do feel a little sorry for the child with "shyness" if it is
something that bothers her. I know that my twin sister hated being
"shy" and she made an effort to change herself at a point in life where
we left public school to be home schooled. We met with a new group of
children, and she told herself that these kids didn't "know" that she
was shy, so she would just make herself be their friend. After that,
she always had plenty of friends that would come over to the house and
hang out, or they would go out to the movies or shopping together. I
myself never felt the need for more friends, but hooray for my sister.
I'm glad she overcame what she saw as a problem. I hope the same
happens for the little girl.

bizby40 wrote:

But
shyness does not mean "prefers to be alone," shyness involves actually
being scared of or intimidated by others. And so shyness *is*
necessarily a bad thing -- or at least an unfortunate one for the
person involved.

A shy child may never grow up to lose all their inhibitions, but they
can be taught confidence to some extent through positive interactions.

One other thought. Many folks who are shy(not reserved/introverted, but
somewhat fearful) in social situations are also pretty sensitive souls.
It may never have occurred to them (especially when they're young) that
mustering a smile and reaching out with a friendly overture could
rescue someone *else* who's enduring the same, or even worse, agonies.

It can help for a parent to encourage a shy kid to make this kind of
overture because it's another way to apply the Golden Rule.

Lori G.
Milwaukee, WI

bizby40 wrote:
"sscreen" wrote in message
shyness involves actually
being scared of or intimidated by others. And so shyness *is*
necessarily a bad thing -- or at least an unfortunate one for the
person involved.

I disagree. Fear has the purpose of avoiding dangerous
situations. Shy behaviour -- holding back and not talking
or interacting, especially with people one doesn't know well --
can often protect a person from being teased, cheated, yelled at etc.
or just from spending time with people who aren't the best
personality type to match with their own personality.

I think almost everyone has some degree of shy behaviour --
that is, they interact more with people they know better.
Examples: 1. walking past strangers on the street and
not saying "Hi!" or "Good afternoon!" (I and some others do
occasionally greet strangers in this way, but IME most
of the time people don't.) 2. Having a conversation at a party
with someone one just met and deciding not to mention
details of one's personal life even though they're
relevant to the topic of conversation. 3. At a party,
being more likely to start up a conversation with someone
one has met before than with a stranger.

These sorts of behaviours are normal and useful.
Having a greater than average amount of shy behaviour
can also be useful -- that is, I don't think there's one
ideal level of shyness. There are variations in personality
type because different types will do best in different
situations.

Of course, it is often or usually useful to learn to
overcome extreme shyness.

"Catherine Woodgold" wrote in message
...
bizby40 wrote:
"sscreen" wrote in message
shyness involves actually
being scared of or intimidated by others. And so shyness *is*
necessarily a bad thing -- or at least an unfortunate one for the
person involved.

Just to be clear, I wrote all of the above, not sscreen.

I disagree. Fear has the purpose of avoiding dangerous
situations. Shy behaviour -- holding back and not talking
or interacting, especially with people one doesn't know well --
can often protect a person from being teased, cheated, yelled at
etc.
or just from spending time with people who aren't the best
personality type to match with their own personality.

I don't think that refraining from saying hi to strangers or not
spending time with someone you don't like is "shy behavior". Just
because a person is comfortable talking to others, doesn't mean they
will choose to do so at all times.

I strongly disagree that being shy offers protection against being
teased. It appears as though you consider shyness to be the opposite
of obnoxiousness. While it's true that it's hard to be both obnoxious
and shy (or at least it's hard to be obnoxious to people with whom you
are shy), I don't see them as opposites. Neither is the ideal.

I do agree that shyness is a continuum, not an on or off thing. Most
people have some degree of shyness in some situations. It only
becomes a problem if it's bad enough that the person experiencing it
is unhappy, or is unable to achieve the things he or she wants to
achieve because of it.

Bizby

"sscreen" wrote in message
ps.com...

bizby40 wrote:
shyness involves actually
being scared of or intimidated by others. And so shyness *is*
necessarily a bad thing -- or at least an unfortunate one for the
person involved.

I get along well with most people once I know them. Maybe I'm an
introvert.
I hate the idea of going to a party where I won't know most of the
people and being put in a situation where I won't have anyone to
talk
to, but to try to find a new friend to pass the time with. maybe I'm
shy.

Remember that neither of these things is black and white. You can be
a little shy or a lot shy. You can be a strong introvert, a strong
extrovert, or (like me) balanced between the two.

There are people for whom shyness is a real problem, affecting much
more than how many friends they have. It can make it difficult for
them to get a job, to work with their co-workers, and to advance in
their careers. It can impair their relationship with their doctor (I
know I often let questions go unasked because I'm just too embarrassed
to ask them), or with other business or service people they need to
interact with. It can keep them from engaging in activities they
might want to do because they're too embarrassed to find out what they
need to know.

Shyness at it's most basic is low self-esteem. You are afraid of
being rejected, or looking or saying something stupid in front of
someone.

I'd hate for someone to force me into an activity that required me
to
socialize with someone I didn't know, or barely knew.

So, here is a question for you. Suppose you really had the desire to
take up tap dancing. You looked into it, and did find an adult
beginner class in your area, so you signed up. When you went, you
realized that everyone in the class was at least 20 years older or
younger than you. Would you stay in the class? Would you finish the
first class and never come back? Or would you slip out the back as
soon as you realized it?

Bizby

In article , bizby40 says...


"sscreen" wrote in message
ups.com...

bizby40 wrote:
shyness involves actually
being scared of or intimidated by others. And so shyness *is*
necessarily a bad thing -- or at least an unfortunate one for the
person involved.

I get along well with most people once I know them. Maybe I'm an
introvert.
I hate the idea of going to a party where I won't know most of the
people and being put in a situation where I won't have anyone to
talk
to, but to try to find a new friend to pass the time with. maybe I'm
shy.

Remember that neither of these things is black and white. You can be
a little shy or a lot shy. You can be a strong introvert, a strong
extrovert, or (like me) balanced between the two.

There are people for whom shyness is a real problem, affecting much
more than how many friends they have. It can make it difficult for
them to get a job, to work with their co-workers, and to advance in
their careers. It can impair their relationship with their doctor (I
know I often let questions go unasked because I'm just too embarrassed
to ask them), or with other business or service people they need to
interact with. It can keep them from engaging in activities they
might want to do because they're too embarrassed to find out what they
need to know.

Shyness at it's most basic is low self-esteem. You are afraid of
being rejected, or looking or saying something stupid in front of
someone.

I'd hate for someone to force me into an activity that required me
to
socialize with someone I didn't know, or barely knew.

So, here is a question for you. Suppose you really had the desire to
take up tap dancing. You looked into it, and did find an adult
beginner class in your area, so you signed up. When you went, you
realized that everyone in the class was at least 20 years older or
younger than you. Would you stay in the class? Would you finish the
first class and never come back? Or would you slip out the back as
soon as you realized it?

For me it would depend. If I really wanted to learn the dancing, and couldn't
find another class, then I'd stay.

If I could find another option or wanted a social outlet, even partly, I'd
probably finish the first class and not come back.

But - I'm not sure what this has to do with shyness *or* introversion.

IME, by the way, extroverts are often very active in changing their social
milleu to one they like better, and are equally uncomfortable (and just maybe
more vocal about it) in one they don't like.

Put a bluegrass-loving extrovert in a house full of hard rock-lovers, and he'll
play bluegrass loudly, talk it up as the greatest thing, get as many housemates
as possible going to local bluegrass festivals, etc. (this from my student
experience He may *not* decide to like rock much better... he may or may
not be just tolerant enough

It's not this thing will non-shy or extroverted people would be happy in a
milleu dominated by people who are very differnt from themselves, if that's what
you're getting at.

Banty

"bizby40" wrote in message
news
So, here is a question for you. Suppose you really had the desire to take
up tap dancing. You looked into it, and did find an adult beginner class
in your area, so you signed up. When you went, you realized that everyone
in the class was at least 20 years older or younger than you. Would you
stay in the class? Would you finish the first class and never come back?
Or would you slip out the back as soon as you realized it?

Not really answering your question, but I used to take aerobics classes with
seniors because they would inspire me to perform at least as well as they
were. I was so out of shape, and they were healthy, but I couldn't let
myself be a twenty-something who couldn't keep up with a senior. Plus, the
class had alternative movements for those with bad backs, knees, etc. I had
bad knees and my back got strained easily. I've been told I'm too young to
have a bad back, but there you have it.

bizby40 wrote:
[snip]
Shyness at it's most basic is low self-esteem. You are afraid of
being rejected, or looking or saying something stupid in front of
someone.
[snip]

I'm not sure this is accurate. To get over shyness, sometimes all
you need to know is that other people don't care about your
'performance' nearly as much as you do.

Perhaps that is why children/teenagers often grew out of shyness:
shyness could be a symptom of childhood self-centeredness.

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three

bizby40 wrote:


So, here is a question for you. Suppose you really had the desire to
take up tap dancing. You looked into it, and did find an adult
beginner class in your area, so you signed up. When you went, you
realized that everyone in the class was at least 20 years older or
younger than you. Would you stay in the class? Would you finish the
first class and never come back? Or would you slip out the back as
soon as you realized it?

Bizby

Well, to be honest, I would never put myself in that situation. I would
not be comfortable enough around so many strangers (even if it were
only 4-5 others) to be able to learn anything from the class. If I
really, really wanted to learn something like that, then I would find
someone who would teach me one-on-one, or I would buy an instructional
video.