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#111
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How to break 4 year old from shyness?
In article , toypup says...
"Penny Gaines" wrote in message ... toto wrote: On 26 Oct 2006 09:48:33 -0700, Banty wrote: So edcuators really, really, want to hear that there's some presto-chango tactic that bullied kids, if they just could muster it, could apply to make bullies go away. I don't think that is so. I think that peer counselling and peer pressure though work a lot better than anything adults can do to address this issue. We need to empower the kids, not try to make them dependent on parents and teachers. Aren't these two sides of the same coin? If a kid is being bullied because s/he hasn't got the friendship support group (perhaps because s/he is shy or recently moved) then who is going to help him/her? My thoughts, as well. If the kids feel they have the adult support, they may feel more empowered. If the adults have a hands off attitude because they want the kids to handle it and the kid is being bullied, s/he may feel like s/he has no one. If the kid has no one, s/he may feel completely helplesss. What I've seen about peer groups is that they're trained by adults and loosely supervised by adults, and they're supposed to negotiate conflicts and provide other avenues and discourage bullying. Which is well-intended, but still puts things off from the adults in charge. Which is one of those feel-good we're-doing-something things. It still doesn't get to what bullying is. Bullying is about stronger people showing others that they are stronger people, for status. There's no misunderstandings going on or simple conflict of interest (other than it's one's interest to push someone around; the others' not to be abused) involved. Banty |
#112
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How to break 4 year old from shyness?
"Rosalie B." wrote in message ... ] I talked to my sister last night [snip] So I posed the question to her of whether she was shy, [snip] [snip] I wasn't even aware that she went, and did not remember that she was so shy. Because later in life, I always hated performing, and she loved it. I hated doing piano recitals, I hated ballet recitals, I hated ice skating performances, and I hated being in plays. I thought that was because I was 'shy'. She loved all that so I thought she was 'not-shy'. I appreciate you taking the time to look into this and think about it a bit. The word "shy" is very widely used, and people mean all kinds of things when they say it. I realize that my definition is more narrow than the way most people think of the word. I wasn't aware of the difference between shy and introverted either before taking that Meyers Briggs test as an adult, but it made so much sense to me, that I've been trying to spread the distinction ever since. Oh, and I hadn't really heard of "social phobia" either before this thread -- I just sort of assume that if there is a personality type different from the norm, someone somewhere has come up with a name for it! :-) Bizby |
#113
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How to break 4 year old from shyness?
"Banty" wrote in message ... Yes we all do that. But not having insight about that is what can lead to idealization. This idea that, if it weren't for the shyness (or whatever), life would be all different. And/or that that non-shy (or non-whatever) person over there is having an easier time of it. That's what I'm sensing in your posts. That's all in your head. I mean, sure my life would be a little easier if I weren't shy, or if I were beautiful, rich, and talented. But everyone has their own challenges, and I wouldn't say that my life is more difficult than anyone else's, because I don't know what their particular challenges are. But as a parent, it's my job to try to help my kids through their particular challenges. Trying to help my daughter with her social skills is one of the things I've done. Getting my son glasses is another. People I know have gotten tutors, switched schools, homeschooled their kids, or enrolled them in therapy programs in order to help their kids with their particular challenges. One of my points in this thread is that someone who is shy, or whatever, but pretty much on the normal range (can function) arranges their lives around what they need. So shyness isn't necessarily this huge social ball and chain, if someone (like you) builds a life around what they need anyway. Which probably is around a lot less social interaction than what a lot of onlookers may think is good. My point is, that those onlookers really dont' know. But, perhaps I've lost track because you're now saying a lot of what I agree with, and what I thought I was taking some issue with - - didnt' you advocate that kids that parents think are "too shy" should have some kind of help in learning how to socialize or they might end up like your brother? Forgive me for repeating myself, but I feel I should summarize. I believe that there is a big difference between shy and introverted. Parents of introverted kids should try to respect their boundaries. Parents of shy kids should try to help them learn the social skills they need to get along in the world. The fact that parents may get it wrong is not really germaine to this conversation, because you can end up doing the wrong thing no matter what you do. As parents we just have to do the best we can. But if I am recalling correctly, how do you square that with what you're saying now? I don't think I've said anything inconsistent at all. Don't you think that being too self-concerned could be a social deficit? Not necessarily. Take a look at what goes on at a certain address on Pennsylvania Avenue... (Take our current Sec. of Defense, fer instance) ??? You'll have to spell it out for me. I don't know what you're getting at. A lot of the solution is in turning things around and imagining what the other person is going through. You should look at what's motivating your DH to "tease". I know what's motivating it! He thinks it's funny that I worry about trivialities. *Is* it that he thinks it's funny? Or is he gently trying to tell you that he enjoys things better without your little objections penetrating his mindspace? *shrug* Dunno. I don't see it as cruel in either case. I don't think a behavior has to be noisy or forward to be obnoxious. I think folks might describe, for example, someone paying in pennies in front of a long line at the cashier as "obnoxious". Okay, fine, I give. Bizby |
#114
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How to break 4 year old from shyness?
toto ) writes:
This was based on seeing what kids who avoid being bullied actually did. That's fine; but it doesn't necessarily follow that the same tactic would tend to work if it were tried by people who don't naturally do that on their own but are trying it because they heard that it's a successful tactic. It would be interesting to have a study where a control group is given no advice or different advice, and a test group is advised to ignore or laugh away bullying. That would test whether giving (or following?) that advice is helpful. I think it's possible to pull off doing such a study while being reasonably ethical but I'm not sure. |
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