urgent advice please: babysitter stealing? FULL MESSAGE

SORRY, hit send too early, here is the complete message, I hope!...

I would value your collective wisdom please. Posting
semi-anonymously, sorry, but I'm concerned that in a few years, idly
googling my name by the person I am referring to could lead to
embarrasment...anyway the email address I'm posting from works,
(unmunged) so please feel free to cc your reply to me, I don't see all
or even most posts.

OK, here's the thing. I have a young teenaged friend who "babysits"
my 2 yo for me, usually while I am somewhere in the house, once a
week. Sometimes I go down the road to the library and study. She is
a nice kid, a good kid- but at 13 we all probably did things that we
would cringe over later, and I fear that she is doing so!

Her mum is my friend (more than an acquaintance, less than a soulmate,
IYKWIM). Her brother is my older son's best mate, and again, a really
nice kid. They are a nice family which makes this even harder :-(.

Several trimes over the last year, I have been able to tell by the
smell that she has been using my perfumes (which means she's been in
my bedroom). Last week, I noticed a streak of blue hair dye in her
hair that wasn't there when she arrived. No prob- I said "oh you used
some of my hair dye!?" in a friendly voice. She says "No, I did it at
school, before I got here" (she didn't- later when I went upstairs,
the tube of hair dye wasn't in its usual spot, and I haven't moved it
for years). Grr. Not stealing as such, I know... but awkward, right?
And the lie...

The thing that has upset me today is that her mum invited me to the
beach with them today- and the duaghter was wearing a bikini that I am
99% sure she stole from my ebay stock, a few months ago. It's very
distinctive, and it disappeared from my desk AFTER I sold it (grr!!),
withoiut a trace. I have turned the house upside down looking for it
and it is GONE. I never considered theft until I saw L wearing it
today :-( I came home and looked at the pics that I took when I
listed it, and it is the SAME bikini. I have no proof, but I know in
my gut what happened.

My question is, what do I do? I am just sick about this- my friend
(the girl's mum) has mentioned to me in the past that she wonders if L
steals from *her*, but I know that it would be different if I brought
it up to her. I want to help L, because if she IS stealing, she has a
problem. I don't want to create a rift between our families, but I
don't know what to do?

I feel that if I could let her know somehow that I *know*, then she
might stop doing it, and might also avert bigger trouble, for her and
for me.

I just don't know, what do you all think?

thanks so much for letting me get this off my chest!

~daggy mum

Simple, you stop having her babysit for you.
~Peggy

"daggy mum" wrote in message
news

SORRY, hit send too early, here is the complete message, I hope!...

I would value your collective wisdom please. Posting
semi-anonymously, sorry, but I'm concerned that in a few years, idly
googling my name by the person I am referring to could lead to
embarrasment...anyway the email address I'm posting from works,
(unmunged) so please feel free to cc your reply to me, I don't see all
or even most posts.

OK, here's the thing. I have a young teenaged friend who "babysits"
my 2 yo for me, usually while I am somewhere in the house, once a
week. Sometimes I go down the road to the library and study. She is
a nice kid, a good kid- but at 13 we all probably did things that we
would cringe over later, and I fear that she is doing so!

Her mum is my friend (more than an acquaintance, less than a soulmate,
IYKWIM). Her brother is my older son's best mate, and again, a really
nice kid. They are a nice family which makes this even harder :-(.

Several trimes over the last year, I have been able to tell by the
smell that she has been using my perfumes (which means she's been in
my bedroom). Last week, I noticed a streak of blue hair dye in her
hair that wasn't there when she arrived. No prob- I said "oh you used
some of my hair dye!?" in a friendly voice. She says "No, I did it at
school, before I got here" (she didn't- later when I went upstairs,
the tube of hair dye wasn't in its usual spot, and I haven't moved it
for years). Grr. Not stealing as such, I know... but awkward, right?
And the lie...

The thing that has upset me today is that her mum invited me to the
beach with them today- and the duaghter was wearing a bikini that I am
99% sure she stole from my ebay stock, a few months ago. It's very
distinctive, and it disappeared from my desk AFTER I sold it (grr!!),
withoiut a trace. I have turned the house upside down looking for it
and it is GONE. I never considered theft until I saw L wearing it
today :-( I came home and looked at the pics that I took when I
listed it, and it is the SAME bikini. I have no proof, but I know in
my gut what happened.

My question is, what do I do? I am just sick about this- my friend
(the girl's mum) has mentioned to me in the past that she wonders if L
steals from *her*, but I know that it would be different if I brought
it up to her. I want to help L, because if she IS stealing, she has a
problem. I don't want to create a rift between our families, but I
don't know what to do?

I feel that if I could let her know somehow that I *know*, then she
might stop doing it, and might also avert bigger trouble, for her and
for me.

I just don't know, what do you all think?

thanks so much for letting me get this off my chest!

~daggy mum

On Sun, 12 Dec 2004 00:14:16 -0900, "Peggy"
wrote:

Simple, you stop having her babysit for you.
~Peggy

well thanks. I was hoping for some ideas on how to handle the whole
situation gracefully.

~dm

"daggy mum" wrote in message
news

SORRY, hit send too early, here is the complete message, I hope!...

I would value your collective wisdom please. Posting
semi-anonymously, sorry, but I'm concerned that in a few years, idly
googling my name by the person I am referring to could lead to
embarrasment...anyway the email address I'm posting from works,
(unmunged) so please feel free to cc your reply to me, I don't see all
or even most posts.

OK, here's the thing. I have a young teenaged friend who "babysits"
my 2 yo for me, usually while I am somewhere in the house, once a
week. Sometimes I go down the road to the library and study. She is
a nice kid, a good kid- but at 13 we all probably did things that we
would cringe over later, and I fear that she is doing so!

Her mum is my friend (more than an acquaintance, less than a soulmate,
IYKWIM). Her brother is my older son's best mate, and again, a really
nice kid. They are a nice family which makes this even harder :-(.

Several trimes over the last year, I have been able to tell by the
smell that she has been using my perfumes (which means she's been in
my bedroom). Last week, I noticed a streak of blue hair dye in her
hair that wasn't there when she arrived. No prob- I said "oh you used
some of my hair dye!?" in a friendly voice. She says "No, I did it at
school, before I got here" (she didn't- later when I went upstairs,
the tube of hair dye wasn't in its usual spot, and I haven't moved it
for years). Grr. Not stealing as such, I know... but awkward, right?
And the lie...

The thing that has upset me today is that her mum invited me to the
beach with them today- and the duaghter was wearing a bikini that I am
99% sure she stole from my ebay stock, a few months ago. It's very
distinctive, and it disappeared from my desk AFTER I sold it (grr!!),
withoiut a trace. I have turned the house upside down looking for it
and it is GONE. I never considered theft until I saw L wearing it
today :-( I came home and looked at the pics that I took when I
listed it, and it is the SAME bikini. I have no proof, but I know in
my gut what happened.

I think I'd have commented on the bikini at the time. I'd have said
something along the lines of "wow! I recognise that bikini. I was going to
sell it on ebay, but when I looked for it I couldn't find it. Must see if I
can find it." You could add something along the lines of how embarrassing it
was that you couldn't find it as you'd sold it and you had to tell the
person you'd bought it from. Even ask where she got it from. That might
either set her thinking that actually it was stealing, and that it had been
a problem. Also she may realise that you "know" she pinched it which gives
her a chance not to do it again. Also it does give the mother time to think
"hang on, I never bought that for her," and challenge her daughter.
You could mention in passing to the mother that you wondered where she'd got
the bikini from perhaps along the lines of "I used to have a bikini like she
was wearing. They're nice aren't they-did it come from ***" wherever you got
it from. No accusations, just a chance for the mother to wonder where she
got it from.
If the mother mentions that she wonders whether the girl is stealing again,
then I might bring up the bikini. Play it low. Say it was in your ebay pile
and she may have thought you were throwing the stuff out etc. I would leave
it for the mother to conclude she stole it rather than accusing her without
proof. If the mother says "but I bought it for her here's the receipt" then
you'll feel a bit silly, as well as probably losing a friend.
If it happens again then I think you speak to her mother. the earlier
episode would have concerned me more for the lie than the using the dye.
If you do end up challenging her I'd be very sad that you can't trust her to
babysit as she's betrayed your trust rather than cross with the actual
crime.
Debbie

My question is, what do I do? I am just sick about this- my friend
(the girl's mum) has mentioned to me in the past that she wonders if L
steals from *her*, but I know that it would be different if I brought
it up to her. I want to help L, because if she IS stealing, she has a
problem. I don't want to create a rift between our families, but I
don't know what to do?

I feel that if I could let her know somehow that I *know*, then she
might stop doing it, and might also avert bigger trouble, for her and
for me.

I just don't know, what do you all think?

thanks so much for letting me get this off my chest!

~daggy mum

On Sun, 12 Dec 2004 07:17:37 GMT, daggy mum
wrote:

I just don't know, what do you all think?

I would go to the mother and ask her if she knows where her daughter
got her bikini. Whatever her reply will be, just be direct and explain
that you thought it was yours since you lost one just like it. Tell
her that you are maybe extra suspicious because of the dye episode and
the fact that she told you that her daughter may steal from her.
Most probably the girl told or will tell a lie. If she says that she
got it from a friend, her mother should go to return it to the friend
mother and ask her if it is really her daughter's. If she says that
she bought it from a store, she should go to the store and ask...

If you are afraid that your friend might take it bad, confront the
daughter by yourself. But I think it is best to talk to your friend. I
guess that every mother would rather have a false alarm than a too
late alarm.
Let us know what happend!
Anne

On Sun, 12 Dec 2004 16:18:05 GMT, "Welches"
wrote:


"daggy mum" wrote in message
news


I think I'd have commented on the bikini at the time.

I wish I had! It would have seemed natural then, now it's just going
to seem weird. I don;t know why *I* feel so awkward and guilty, but I
do :-(.


Also she may realise that you "know" she pinched it which gives
her a chance not to do it again.

Right, which is what I really want. I don;t want to cause a big
scene, but I do want to give her a close call that might set her on
the path to NOT stealing any more, from anyone.


If the mother mentions that she wonders whether the girl is stealing again,
then I might bring up the bikini. Play it low. Say it was in your ebay pile
and she may have thought you were throwing the stuff out etc. I would leave
it for the mother to conclude she stole it rather than accusing her without
proof. If the mother says "but I bought it for her here's the receipt" then
you'll feel a bit silly, as well as probably losing a friend.

Yeah. People always say they'd rather know, but I honestly doubt if
you could talk about this and stay friends with the mum. Even if she
believed me, even if I am right, it would be so embarrassing for her
and I doubt we'd stay friends. But then I'm imagining L getting in
bigger trouble later, shoplifting or something, and me wondering if I
could have stopped it by getting her in small troubkle when she was
13? Know what I mean? She is a nice kid and everyone makes mistakes,
but I hate to think that she thinks she's so cunning and us stupid
adults aren't onto her...

the earlier
episode would have concerned me more for the lie than the using the dye.
If you do end up challenging her I'd be very sad that you can't trust her to
babysit as she's betrayed your trust rather than cross with the actual
crime.

Right- I have never sat her down and said "L, stay out of my stuff"-
but it would have been appropriate, probably, she is only 13, even
though she seems grown-up to me usually. With the rules not 100%
clear, I didn't really mind her playing with my toiletries, but I did
mind the lie.

I think I'll go out for a bit this afternoon, and leave the two photos
of THE bikini up on my desktop on my PC, which is where she will
probably notice them. Hopefully that alone will let her know that I
KNOW. We are just about to hit our long summer holiday, so I will
probably tell her next week that we'll have a break from our weekly
arrangement over the summer.

Thanks for the response.


~dm

On Sun, 12 Dec 2004 12:56:24 -0800, Anne fazbeta at free dot fr
wrote:

On Sun, 12 Dec 2004 07:17:37 GMT, daggy mum
wrote:

.. I
guess that every mother would rather have a false alarm than a too
late alarm.

Thanks for the response. I think you are right :-(.

dm

On Sun, 12 Dec 2004 21:57:03 GMT, dragonlady
wrote:

The worst thing to do would be to simply tell her that
you don't need to hire her anymore, and to say nothing. If you care
about this girl, it is imperative that you tell her what you know.

Thanks, great suggestions. Much appreciated.


dm

In article ,
daggy mum wrote:

On Sun, 12 Dec 2004 00:14:16 -0900, "Peggy"
wrote:

Simple, you stop having her babysit for you.
~Peggy

well thanks. I was hoping for some ideas on how to handle the whole
situation gracefully.

~dm

It's hard to accuse someone of theft gracefully and it's even harder to
stay friends with someone after the accusation has been made. I don't
think that I would approach the mother about this issue, but I would
approach the girl. She's old enough to be confronted with her own
actions.

I'd wait until the baby-sitting session was nearly over and then I'd
show her the photo of the missing bikini, tell her that someone took it
from your house, and then say that it looks a lot like the bikini she
was wearing the other day. I wouldn't accuse her directly, but I'd ask
her "Is there anything you'd like to tell me?" and if she said "no", I'd
ask her "Can you tell me where you got your bikini from?" and then if
she said her mom bought it, I'd ask her if she minded me confirming that
with her mother. I wouldn't really try to confirm it with her mother
though.

If she confesses, great, if she doesn't confess, then she will probably
stop taking your stuff because she will know that you are on to her.
Personally, with a kid of this age I wouldn't necessarily need a
confession. You already know what she's up to. All I would want would
be for the kid to realize she needs to stop taking my stuff without
permission.

eggs.

On Mon, 13 Dec 2004 11:12:56 +1100, eggs
wrote:

In article ,
daggy mum wrote:

On Sun, 12 Dec 2004 00:14:16 -0900, "Peggy"
wrote:

Simple, you stop having her babysit for you.
~Peggy

well thanks. I was hoping for some ideas on how to handle the whole
situation gracefully.

~dm

It's hard to accuse someone of theft gracefully and it's even harder to
stay friends with someone after the accusation has been made. I don't
think that I would approach the mother about this issue, but I would
approach the girl. She's old enough to be confronted with her own
actions.

I'd wait until the baby-sitting session was nearly over and then I'd
show her the photo of the missing bikini, tell her that someone took it
from your house, and then say that it looks a lot like the bikini she
was wearing the other day. I wouldn't accuse her directly, but I'd ask
her "Is there anything you'd like to tell me?" and if she said "no", I'd
ask her "Can you tell me where you got your bikini from?" and then if
she said her mom bought it, I'd ask her if she minded me confirming that
with her mother. I wouldn't really try to confirm it with her mother
though.

If she confesses, great, if she doesn't confess, then she will probably
stop taking your stuff because she will know that you are on to her.
Personally, with a kid of this age I wouldn't necessarily need a
confession. You already know what she's up to. All I would want would
be for the kid to realize she needs to stop taking my stuff without
permission.

eggs.


yes, ITA. Thanks.


dm