On nosy questions by kids and by adults

Boston Globe Magazine, last Sunday:

In my apartment building, there is one family whose children
constantly ask me highly personal questions, oftentimes with their
parents standing right there. I don't want to be rude, but I'm not
about to answer a child who asks where I've been, how much things
cost, or, my personal favorite, if I'm planning on having more than
the two children I already have. I've looked to their parents to see
if they will step in to stop this, but so far, no go. I've told all of
the kids that these things are none of their business, and still the
questions persist on a daily basis, and now I'm being labeled the lady
who is rude to kids by other neighbors. Is there anything I can do?

K. L. in Manchester, New Hampshire

Miss Conduct: Saying "That's none of your business" to a child is
rather harsh. How are they to know what is their business or not?
Their parents obviously have different standards of privacy than you
do - and people ask children horribly personal questions all the time,
so it's not like they'd figure out anything about appropriate
boundaries from the way they're treated themselves. (Just once I'd
love to hear a child respond to an adult's "Did you study hard and get
a good report card?" with "Yes, I did! Did you meet your sales quota
and get a good quarterly bonus?") The next time the wee inquisitors
ask you a question you don't want to answer, tell them that not
everyone likes to discuss such matters, and you're one of those
people. Then take the conversation elsewhere. I'm sure they find your
family-planning decisions quite a boring topic, intrinsically; it's
only entertaining to the extent that it ruffles your feathers. They'd
much rather talk about dinosaurs or Pokemon or that big stupid
annoying kid on their soccer team who always hogs the ball, so talk
about that with them, instead.

(end)

I read it and here's my response - she put it on her blog. You have to
scroll about 1/4 down - mine is the third response. But I'm printing
it here anyway.

http://www.boston.com/news/globe/magazine/missconduct


Regarding asking kids personal questions you'd never ask an adult, I
thought you'd like this.

http://www.turning-pages.com/mafalda/gallery4.htm

(For the record, I definitely believe in respecting kids' privacy when
you're not their parent.) It's the second cartoon down. Here's the
text minus the pictures, if you insist:

Man: "Hi, what's your name?"

Mafalda: "Mafalda."

Man: "How nice. Do you go to school?"

Mafalda: "Yes, of course. Do you pay all your taxes?"

Mafalda (as her beet-red mother hurries her away): "HE started
talking about obligations."

The books (by Quino, from Argentina) are now in English under the
name "Mafalda & Friends." Volume 5 came out this spring - there should
be ten of them eventually. Incidentally, the strip has been compared
to "Peanuts," "Doonesbury," and "Boondocks"!

Miss Conduct: I would also add "Calvin & Hobbes" to that list. Thanks
to all who wrote!

Lenona.

On Nov 4, 6:36 pm, wrote:

Man: "Hi, what's your name?"

Mafalda: "Mafalda."

Man: "How nice. Do you go to school?"

Mafalda: "Yes, of course. Do you pay all your taxes?"

Mafalda (as her beet-red mother hurries her away): "HE started
talking about obligations."

If an adult politely asked my children if they were going to school
and/or what grade they were in, or what their favorite subject was, I
would expect my children to answer politely. These questions are not
accusations, but "do you pay your taxes" is.

On Mon, 05 Nov 2007 04:56:32 -0800, Beliavsky
wrote:

On Nov 4, 6:36 pm, wrote:

Man: "Hi, what's your name?"

Mafalda: "Mafalda."

Man: "How nice. Do you go to school?"

Mafalda: "Yes, of course. Do you pay all your taxes?"

Mafalda (as her beet-red mother hurries her away): "HE started
talking about obligations."

If an adult politely asked my children if they were going to school
and/or what grade they were in, or what their favorite subject was, I
would expect my children to answer politely. These questions are not
accusations, but "do you pay your taxes" is.

I don't expect my children to talk to anyone if they are uncomfortable
doing so. I don't care how "polite" the adult is. But then I don't
think adults should ask my kids their names.

Nan

On Nov 5, 10:37 am, Nan wrote:

If an adult politely asked my children if they were going to school
and/or what grade they were in, or what their favorite subject was, I
would expect my children to answer politely. These questions are not
accusations, but "do you pay your taxes" is.

I don't expect my children to talk to anyone if they are uncomfortable
doing so. I don't care how "polite" the adult is. But then I don't
think adults should ask my kids their names.

Even at a social gathering? Learning someone's name is usually how one
starts a conversation with a new person. My 4yo will answer adults'
questions at parties, but my 2yo will not, even though he can say his
name and age. He's only two, of course, and I'm not concerned. But if
he acts the same way at age 4, I will be.

Beliavsky wrote in
ps.com:

On Nov 5, 10:37 am, Nan wrote:

If an adult politely asked my children if they were going
to school and/or what grade they were in, or what their
favorite subject was, I would expect my children to
answer politely. These questions are not accusations, but
"do you pay your taxes" is.

I don't expect my children to talk to anyone if they are
uncomfortable doing so. I don't care how "polite" the
adult is. But then I don't think adults should ask my
kids their names.

Even at a social gathering? Learning someone's name is
usually how one starts a conversation with a new person. My
4yo will answer adults' questions at parties, but my 2yo
will not, even though he can say his name and age. He's
only two, of course, and I'm not concerned. But if he acts
the same way at age 4, I will be.

why?
my 7 year old will not talk to someone he doesn't know. he
won't talk to people he *does* know if they are 'out of
context' (meeting his teacher at the store).
he has to be around a person for some bit of time before he
feels comfortable talking, including people he knows but sees
infrequently, like grandma. is this really an issue?
lee

In article om, Beliavsky
says...

On Nov 5, 10:37 am, Nan wrote:

If an adult politely asked my children if they were going to school
and/or what grade they were in, or what their favorite subject was, I
would expect my children to answer politely. These questions are not
accusations, but "do you pay your taxes" is.

I don't expect my children to talk to anyone if they are uncomfortable
doing so. I don't care how "polite" the adult is. But then I don't
think adults should ask my kids their names.

Even at a social gathering? Learning someone's name is usually how one
starts a conversation with a new person. My 4yo will answer adults'
questions at parties, but my 2yo will not, even though he can say his
name and age. He's only two, of course, and I'm not concerned. But if
he acts the same way at age 4, I will be.


Well, like with adults, things are different if someone is a friend, or
relative, or aquaintance, or stranger. There are several cases here (and
several issues).

For friends and relatives, sure, kids should learn to answer questions politely.
The thing to consider is that it puts kids on the spot, and they may not have
the developmental wherewithall to rise to the task of answering the questions
(and four would be way young to expect it). Lots of them just freeze. Some
kids are more social or extroverted or verbal and have no problem. They may be
little chatterboxes and the problem becomes how to move on to something else!
Others are more shy or introverted or easily intimidated by needing to do
something on the spot and would freeze up. Yes, we all need to learn how to
nonetheless socialize with friends and relatives and community members one needs
to, but it takes some learning and development of inner fortitude.

For strangers, just as for adults, it's different. Even for relatives, there
are limits as to what kind of questions people ask each other. It's amazing
what people think a child should stand for that an adult would not be expected
to stand for as far as questions from complete strangers even. Hence the snarky
answer referred to here (about the taxes). I can't agree with saying that (at
least not out loud.. ;-), as two wrongs do not make a right. But when the lady
in the grocery line thinks it's wonderful way to spend the time to pepper a
strange child with these kind of questions, it takes some time and development
for a child to have the wherewithall and judgement that an adult needs to have
developed to respond appropriately. Which may be, depending on the
circumstances "thank you for your concern MY when that cold front came in this
morning I had to reach for my coat, wasn't that just AMAZING!", or even "I beg
your pardon".

Surely you don't think a child would be obliged to answer questions about their
lives any more than and adult is, or do you?

Banty

Beliavsky wrote:

On Nov 5, 10:37 am, Nan wrote:

If an adult politely asked my children if they were going to school
and/or what grade they were in, or what their favorite subject was, I
would expect my children to answer politely. These questions are not
accusations, but "do you pay your taxes" is.

I don't think it would be very common for a young child (age 4) to ask
about taxes and if they did it should certainly embarrass the parent
because it is most likely something that the child has heard being
discussed.

OTOH suppose the young child (3 to 5 years old) asked

Are you a boy or a girl?
Do you have children?
Why don't you have hair on the top of your head? (or why do you have
such a big nose? or what is the matter with your arm?)

These are all questions which the child might wonder about and which
it is conceivable that the child might ask an adult who was initiating
the conversation.


I don't expect my children to talk to anyone if they are uncomfortable
doing so. I don't care how "polite" the adult is. But then I don't
think adults should ask my kids their names.

Even at a social gathering? Learning someone's name is usually how one
starts a conversation with a new person. My 4yo will answer adults'
questions at parties, but my 2yo will not, even though he can say his
name and age. He's only two, of course, and I'm not concerned. But if
he acts the same way at age 4, I will be.

If it was a social gathering which had children involved (which IME
limits the number of social gatherings quite a bit), I would expect
that the adult would know the child's name. I'm having a hard time
figuring out a social gathering that would have a child in attendance
where the adults would not know the child. Social gatherings for
toddlers IME are pretty much limited to play dates, family reunions
and birthday parties.

Now the child might not recognize the ADULT, and in that case the
adult should introduce him/her self first before asking the child to
respond or the parent should introduce the adult to the child.

It is more likely that the child and parent are in a store, or at a
ball game where an older sibling is playing or something like that.
And those aren't really a social gathering although the parents
probably know the parents of the other kids on the team. In that case
I would expect another parent not to insist that a child answer
questions that they weren't comfortable answering because they would
have children of their own which they would want the same
consideration for. The only people that a parent might have to coach
the child about are elderly maiden aunts or the like.

On Nov 5, 12:14 pm, Banty wrote:
In article om, Beliavsky
says...

Even at a social gathering? Learning someone's name is usually how one
starts a conversation with a new person. My 4yo will answer adults'
questions at parties, but my 2yo will not, even though he can say his
name and age. He's only two, of course, and I'm not concerned. But if
he acts the same way at age 4, I will be.

Well, like with adults, things are different if someone is a friend, or
relative, or aquaintance, or stranger. There are several cases here (and
several issues).

For friends and relatives, sure, kids should learn to answer questions politely.
The thing to consider is that it puts kids on the spot, and they may not have
the developmental wherewithall to rise to the task of answering the questions
(and four would be way young to expect it).

At home, the 2yo can instantly reply "J." and "2" when I ask him his
name and age, so the questions are not diffcult for him.

Lots of them just freeze. Some
kids are more social or extroverted or verbal and have no problem. They may be
little chatterboxes and the problem becomes how to move on to something else!
Others are more shy or introverted or easily intimidated by needing to do
something on the spot and would freeze up.

How does one distinguish between that and a child just choosing not to
acknowledge the question because he does not feel like it? At some
age, maybe well past 4, I would consider that rude.

snip


For strangers, just as for adults, it's different. Even for relatives, there
are limits as to what kind of questions people ask each other. It's amazing
what people think a child should stand for that an adult would not be expected
to stand for as far as questions from complete strangers even. Hence the snarky
answer referred to here (about the taxes). I can't agree with saying that (at
least not out loud.. ;-), as two wrongs do not make a right. But when the lady
in the grocery line thinks it's wonderful way to spend the time to pepper a
strange child with these kind of questions, it takes some time and development
for a child to have the wherewithall and judgement that an adult needs to have
developed to respond appropriately.

There is no shame or merit in saying in a kid saying his name, what
school he goes to, what grade he is in (unless perhaps he was old for
his grade and had been held back). Practically every kid is in some
grade at some school. Asking a boy if he were on the honor roll at his
school would be different.

Surely you don't think a child would be obliged to answer questions about their
lives any more than and adult is, or do you?

You know by now we think differently . I think it's ok for adults to
ask kids their ages but am not keen on the reverse. Weren't many of us
taught as kids not to ask a woman her age? Another asymmetry I support
is adults calling kids by their first names, but my kids using titles
such as Mr. or Aunt.

In article . com, Beliavsky
says...

On Nov 5, 12:14 pm, Banty wrote:
In article om, Beliavsky
says...

Even at a social gathering? Learning someone's name is usually how one
starts a conversation with a new person. My 4yo will answer adults'
questions at parties, but my 2yo will not, even though he can say his
name and age. He's only two, of course, and I'm not concerned. But if
he acts the same way at age 4, I will be.

Well, like with adults, things are different if someone is a friend, or
relative, or aquaintance, or stranger. There are several cases here (and
several issues).

For friends and relatives, sure, kids should learn to answer questions politely.
The thing to consider is that it puts kids on the spot, and they may not have
the developmental wherewithall to rise to the task of answering the questions
(and four would be way young to expect it).

At home, the 2yo can instantly reply "J." and "2" when I ask him his
name and age, so the questions are not diffcult for him.

Wel sure! He's in familiar surrounding with familliar people. He's not on the
spot.


Lots of them just freeze. Some
kids are more social or extroverted or verbal and have no problem. They may be
little chatterboxes and the problem becomes how to move on to something else!
Others are more shy or introverted or easily intimidated by needing to do
something on the spot and would freeze up.

How does one distinguish between that and a child just choosing not to
acknowledge the question because he does not feel like it? At some
age, maybe well past 4, I would consider that rude.

It may be hard to tell without actually knowing the child. And it's something
to work on slowly, how to respond when asked a question, and to do that
sometimes even if they don't feel like it, when they don't have to respond when
they don't feel like it, and not to do it other times however they feel about
it. That takes some time and knowledge and restraint. But the querying adult
may not understand any of that inner mechanism, because they don't remember what
it was like (and even worse, may think kids owe them answers).


snip


For strangers, just as for adults, it's different. Even for relatives, there
are limits as to what kind of questions people ask each other. It's amazing
what people think a child should stand for that an adult would not be expected
to stand for as far as questions from complete strangers even. Hence the snarky
answer referred to here (about the taxes). I can't agree with saying that (at
least not out loud.. ;-), as two wrongs do not make a right. But when the lady
in the grocery line thinks it's wonderful way to spend the time to pepper a
strange child with these kind of questions, it takes some time and development
for a child to have the wherewithall and judgement that an adult needs to have
developed to respond appropriately.

There is no shame or merit in saying in a kid saying his name, what
school he goes to, what grade he is in (unless perhaps he was old for
his grade and had been held back). Practically every kid is in some
grade at some school. Asking a boy if he were on the honor roll at his
school would be different.

By the same token, most adults in a given community could be homeowners, would
be drawing in a salary, but even so these are considered overly intrusive
questions from strangers or acquaintances. No matter if it's a good bet what
the answers are.

One part of teaching restraint and respect for privacy for others is to *give*
it.


Surely you don't think a child would be obliged to answer questions about their
lives any more than and adult is, or do you?

You know by now we think differently . I think it's ok for adults to
ask kids their ages but am not keen on the reverse. Weren't many of us
taught as kids not to ask a woman her age? Another asymmetry I support
is adults calling kids by their first names, but my kids using titles
such as Mr. or Aunt.


I would be with you on kids not using first names. And I think men should be
given the same consideration as women concerning their ages. (Although I'm
personally not very inhibited about referring to my age; I'm proud of being 52
and a-half.)

Banty

Beliavsky wrote:
On Nov 5, 12:14 pm, Banty wrote:

For strangers, just as for adults, it's different. Even for relatives, there
are limits as to what kind of questions people ask each other. It's amazing
what people think a child should stand for that an adult would not be expected
to stand for as far as questions from complete strangers even. Hence the snarky
answer referred to here (about the taxes). I can't agree with saying that (at
least not out loud.. ;-), as two wrongs do not make a right. But when the lady
in the grocery line thinks it's wonderful way to spend the time to pepper a
strange child with these kind of questions, it takes some time and development
for a child to have the wherewithall and judgement that an adult needs to have
developed to respond appropriately.

There is no shame or merit in saying in a kid saying his name, what
school he goes to, what grade he is in (unless perhaps he was old for
his grade and had been held back). Practically every kid is in some
grade at some school. Asking a boy if he were on the honor roll at his
school would be different.

Ummm...you want total strangers armed with your child's name,
school (and therefore approximate address) and grade? That's a
safety issue, if nothing else.

Best wishes,
Ericka