Daycare provider issues- child not happy

My kids go to daycare very infrequently- about once a week for 3-5 hours.
Mostly, it's been for me to get stuff done (3 hours) but now, my hours have
changed at work and they'll have to be there about 5- just the one day.

The problem- Jessica always cries and cries when I drop her off, insists she
"doesn't like" the babysitter, says she's yucky and has pee pee and poopy on
her- what she says when she doesn't like things. Christopher cries too but I
expect that at his age.

Now, they've been in daycare before at our old house and Jessica *adored* her
daycare provider and rarely complained when I dropped her off (except when she
was a baby). I don't know what's going on- if she just misses her old
babysitter, who was basically perfect, or what.

The new lady is fine- very nice. Not perfect, not the old babysitter who we all
adored, but she's very capable and treats the kids well. Jess always seems
happy when we pick her up and seems to have had a good time. She's also fine
when I call to check on her.

When I ask her to tell me why she doesn't like the babysitter, she isn't able
to say anything other than that she's yucky, etc. However, it still concerns
me, and I don't know what to do. There just isn't anyone else in the area.

Would this concern you with a 3 year old? She hates it when I leave her, even
with daddy (who she adores), so it's likely just that, but it's bugging me! I
feel really guilty.

laurie
mommy to Jessica, 3 years
Christopher, one year old!

laurie wrote:

When I ask her to tell me why she doesn't like the babysitter, she isn't able
to say anything other than that she's yucky, etc. However, it still concerns
me, and I don't know what to do. There just isn't anyone else in the area.

Would this concern you with a 3 year old? She hates it when I leave her, even
with daddy (who she adores), so it's likely just that, but it's bugging me! I
feel really guilty.

While I think you have to listen to your instincts
and follow up if you think there's a possibility that it's
anything more, I do think this is fairly common behavior
in this situation. Going only once a week just isn't often
enough to routinize things at that age, so it's almost like
starting over every time, at least for a very long time.
Even twice a week is rough.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"laurie" wrote in message
...
My kids go to daycare very infrequently- about once a week for 3-5 hours.
Mostly, it's been for me to get stuff done (3 hours) but now, my hours
have
changed at work and they'll have to be there about 5- just the one day.

The problem- Jessica always cries and cries when I drop her off, insists
she
"doesn't like" the babysitter, says she's yucky and has pee pee and poopy
on
her- what she says when she doesn't like things. Christopher cries too but
I
expect that at his age.

Now, they've been in daycare before at our old house and Jessica *adored*
her
daycare provider and rarely complained when I dropped her off (except when
she
was a baby). I don't know what's going on- if she just misses her old
babysitter, who was basically perfect, or what.

The new lady is fine- very nice. Not perfect, not the old babysitter who
we all
adored, but she's very capable and treats the kids well. Jess always seems
happy when we pick her up and seems to have had a good time. She's also
fine
when I call to check on her.

When I ask her to tell me why she doesn't like the babysitter, she isn't
able
to say anything other than that she's yucky, etc. However, it still
concerns
me, and I don't know what to do. There just isn't anyone else in the area.

Would this concern you with a 3 year old? She hates it when I leave her,
even
with daddy (who she adores), so it's likely just that, but it's bugging
me! I
feel really guilty.

laurie
mommy to Jessica, 3 years
Christopher, one year old!

My dd hated daycare, In the end she never wanted to go and never could
express why. I pulled her out of this centre. I suspect with the centre,
she didn't like the new teacher they had for 4 yo kinder. I also suspect
that some of the other children were picking on her each time. I have no
proof that anything did or didn't happen but only the way my daughter acted
and felt. My daughter did go once a week each Wednesday. And after week
after week or crying, tempers, being upset, refusing to go etc, I thought
easier to drop her out.

Her new centre (not daycare) in another suburb is much much better. She is
loving it, Staff are nicer, children are nicer. They do more interesting
things and she seems to be thriving. I think she has become more settled and
happier within her self. She now does this 2 mornings a week.

My son on the other hand still goes to the same centre that my daughter went
to. He goes once a week also. He complains but only for the first 3 minutes.
After that he is fine and no problem for the rest of the day. I think he is
going thou a phase at the moment called "making mum feel bad and guilty". I
have seen him do this week after week for the last month. Before that there
was never any problems and the staff are all the same. (have been since my
daughter was in the baby room) My son has come to realise that we are two
different people and I'm not always going to be around.

Sometimes you have to go with your gut feeling, Other times you have no
choice but to put up with it.
Sometimes kids get things confused. (Or can't say what they want to say so
it comes out wrong and we think the worst)
It would concern me (unfairness in attention between children, doing
something that upsets the child, etc as examples ) but in some ways it
wouldn't, especially if she is like this with daddy minding her. Whom is
her flesh and blood.
Maybe she is just trying to get you to give up your life to her demands?. My
child even now tries to do that sometimes by telling me to stop working as
she misses me. I feel guilty sometimes when she says this but I remind
myself that I need to see adults and to have time out from my children. I
work part time (less then 15 hours a week) a few mornings a week.

Hope this helps.

Nic

Daughter 4 yo
Son 16 mo

How about having your husband drop her off at the daycare.
Routinely if possible, or if not, then just once as an
experiment (even if you have to arrange to put her there
for an hour on a weekend, or he has to take a day off work).
It would be interesting to see how she reacts in that
case. That would tell you something about whether she
really hates the daycare, or just has normal instincts about
wanting to stay with her mother all the time.

If it's "just" that she is bothered by separating from
you, I suggest it may help to make the goodbye very cheerful,
routine, and brief. A special kind of hug, a few
rhyming goodbye words, etc. and then quickly leave.
It may also help to casually warn her a few hours ahead of time,
and again 10 minutes ahead, when she's going to be going
to daycare.

Some parents benefit a lot from phoning the daycare
a few minutes after they've left. Often as soon as the
parent is out of earshot the child just starts playing
happily. The child doesn't know it's the parent phoning.
The parent hears that there's no crying, and the
daycare provider's reassurance that the child seems
fine. If you're lucky maybe you even hear the child
talking happily in the background.

You can also consider re-arranging your schedule.
You can decide how important it is to you not to
leave your daughter, and how important it is to
be able to work etc. You can try to think calmly,
"I decided to do this, and we get the benefits as
well as the disadvantages of this decision" and
try not to feel guilty. A guilty feeling is an urge
to do something differently. You can either do
it differently -- quit work or whatever -- or
make a decision that it's really best to do it as you are
already doing it, and stop feeling guilty about it.
(The book "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by
David Burns is good for getting rid of inappropriate
feelings. Only works if the feelings really are
inappropriate, e.g. stronger than the situation warrants.)


--
Cathy