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Life changes due to pregnancy (emotional, past loss ment)



 
 
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  #1  
Old May 25th 04, 07:53 PM
Donna Metler
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Default Life changes due to pregnancy (emotional, past loss ment)


The last day of school was yesterday-and I'm hitting major depression. I've
wanted this baby for a long time, and I've known since Brian was born that
when I next got pregnant, I would be leaving teaching pretty soon after the
pregnancy was confirmed, rather than waiting until the baby was born. But
this morning, when I woke up and realized that until December, when
"Cuddles" decides to make his/her appearance (and I certainly hope he/she
WAITS until December!) I literally have NOTHING to do. For the last 10
years, my life has either been teaching, or preparing to teach over breaks.
Because of the pregnancy, the only dates on my calendar for this summer
(except for my birthday-which is an issue in itself, since I'm definitely
aware that I'm hoping to be bringing home a first baby after just about
everyone I know has decided they're done having them) are doctor's
appointments, phone calls to the midwife, and perinatologist appointments.
No travel, no graduate classes, nothing.

Even for the last month, the only thing I've really heard from anyone is
questions about the pregnancy. Most of the people I'm friends with locally
are other teachers-and while I may have more in common with some after the
baby comes, again, everyone I know either has quite a bit older children, or
is single and not really planning to have any. A lot of people don't
completely approve of my being pregnant again regardless. I've also got
friends in support groups, but I can hardly complain to women who have been
struggling to get pregnant or who have gone through repeated losses that I'm
upset about not being able to work while pregnant, can I??

I don't want to do too much with the nursery and getting things ready-and
have told everyone no showers or baby-related gifts until at least November
1st, because I'm so aware that for me pregnancy does not always equal a
baby. I started cleaning out the closet in the middle bedroom (which has had
my teaching and craft stuff stored in it, but will be needed for the
nursery), and just couldn't do it. I've always planned to be a SAH mom after
I had a baby-and I suspect that if I was leaving work at 8 1/2 months
pregnant, things would be different. But right now, I'm 8 weeks and this
baby isn't even due until after 1st semester of next year ends. And right
now, I feel good and the pregnancy is going beautifully. But, I know that if
I work (or even if I do too much at home) and if anything goes wrong, I'll
blame myself for it.

Is it normal to feel this upset about life changes? And to be wondering
right now if maybe I would have been better off adopting another kitten
instead of trying so hard to get pregnant again??

--
Donna DeVore Metler
Orff Music, band, and choir, Lester Focused Literacy School

Mother to Angel Brian Anthony Metler, 1/1/02, (22 weeks, severe PE/HELLP
syndrome)
And "Cuddles"-EDD 12/29/04


  #2  
Old May 25th 04, 08:04 PM
Jamie Clark
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Posts: n/a
Default Life changes due to pregnancy (emotional, past loss ment)

Hugs Donna. I think what you are going through is totally normal. The only
thing I can recommend is that you pick up a hobby or craft, something to do
with your hands that creates something, to help you pass the time, entertain
your mind, and keep you busy. I sewed a lot of baby blankets while I waited
for Taylor to be born. Like you, I had experienced losses, and didn't
really believe that this was actually going to happen. I had the added
complication of Taylor growing in another woman's womb, and the issue of
relinquishments, etc, but the concept was the same -- I didn't know for
sure, or really believe, that I'd actually be bringing home a baby around
her due date. I sold my baby blankets to friends and relatives, but could
easily have donated them to hospitals for baby's who died, or woman's
shelters, or Dr. Laura's MyStuff bags. Whatever. I don't know what you
"do" craft or hobby wise, but something like that, that you are working on
to donate, might help you pass the time and feel good about your time off.
--

Jamie & Taylor
Earth Angel, 1/3/03

Check out Taylor Marlys -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1,
Password: Guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password

Check out our Adoption Page at http://home.earthlink.net/~jamielee6


"Donna Metler" wrote in message
...

The last day of school was yesterday-and I'm hitting major depression.

I've
wanted this baby for a long time, and I've known since Brian was born that
when I next got pregnant, I would be leaving teaching pretty soon after

the
pregnancy was confirmed, rather than waiting until the baby was born. But
this morning, when I woke up and realized that until December, when
"Cuddles" decides to make his/her appearance (and I certainly hope he/she
WAITS until December!) I literally have NOTHING to do. For the last 10
years, my life has either been teaching, or preparing to teach over

breaks.
Because of the pregnancy, the only dates on my calendar for this summer
(except for my birthday-which is an issue in itself, since I'm definitely
aware that I'm hoping to be bringing home a first baby after just about
everyone I know has decided they're done having them) are doctor's
appointments, phone calls to the midwife, and perinatologist appointments.
No travel, no graduate classes, nothing.

Even for the last month, the only thing I've really heard from anyone is
questions about the pregnancy. Most of the people I'm friends with locally
are other teachers-and while I may have more in common with some after the
baby comes, again, everyone I know either has quite a bit older children,

or
is single and not really planning to have any. A lot of people don't
completely approve of my being pregnant again regardless. I've also got
friends in support groups, but I can hardly complain to women who have

been
struggling to get pregnant or who have gone through repeated losses that

I'm
upset about not being able to work while pregnant, can I??

I don't want to do too much with the nursery and getting things ready-and
have told everyone no showers or baby-related gifts until at least

November
1st, because I'm so aware that for me pregnancy does not always equal a
baby. I started cleaning out the closet in the middle bedroom (which has

had
my teaching and craft stuff stored in it, but will be needed for the
nursery), and just couldn't do it. I've always planned to be a SAH mom

after
I had a baby-and I suspect that if I was leaving work at 8 1/2 months
pregnant, things would be different. But right now, I'm 8 weeks and this
baby isn't even due until after 1st semester of next year ends. And right
now, I feel good and the pregnancy is going beautifully. But, I know that

if
I work (or even if I do too much at home) and if anything goes wrong, I'll
blame myself for it.

Is it normal to feel this upset about life changes? And to be wondering
right now if maybe I would have been better off adopting another kitten
instead of trying so hard to get pregnant again??

--
Donna DeVore Metler
Orff Music, band, and choir, Lester Focused Literacy School

Mother to Angel Brian Anthony Metler, 1/1/02, (22 weeks, severe PE/HELLP
syndrome)
And "Cuddles"-EDD 12/29/04




  #3  
Old May 25th 04, 08:14 PM
Donna
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Life changes due to pregnancy (emotional, past loss ment)


"Donna Metler" wrote in message
...

snip

Is it normal to feel this upset about life changes? And to be wondering
right now if maybe I would have been better off adopting another kitten
instead of trying so hard to get pregnant again??


Oh, Donna, can I ever emphasize with what you are going through.
sympathetic smile I didn't have a previous loss, so I can't say whether
you'd feel better working or not, but I can tell you that for those of us
who waited a while to begin our families, there is a *huge* transition to
motherhood. I completely sympathize with your comment that you're having
your baby when most of your friends have finished having theirs. One of my
closest friends is taking her son to look at colleges this year, and we're
the same age!!!! And she didn't get pregnant as a kid, either - she was in
her twenties! Believe me, I can relate.

It's ok to grieve for the satisfying life you have had until now. You can
only take it on faith that what comes next will be just as good or better,
and that's a difficult faith to keep, particularly through the discomforts
of pregnancy, coupled with boredom.

I find that I get far broodier when I'm bored. Can you find something
exciting to fill your days until your baby comes?
Hobbies/volunteering/something fun? Housewifing will only entertain you so
much, I'm guessing.

For what it's worth, the transition from working to staying at home is
sometimes a bit rough for some of us. Keep an open mind - what you
think is going to work for you now, may not feel right to you next spring,
or in two years. So keep your options open and your expectations of
yourself flexible, so that you can do what is best for you.

Donna



  #4  
Old May 25th 04, 10:33 PM
Amy
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Posts: n/a
Default Life changes due to pregnancy (emotional, past loss ment)

((((((hugs))))))
I could have written your post Donna. I finished work a couple of weeks ago,
decided to call it quits at 32 weeks and take it easy since we lost our son
for unknown reasons at 29 weeks.
I thought I'd feel so much better away from the stresses of work, but I feel
lost. I think a job, and in my case it is just a job rather than a career,
helps to define who we are, and I feel at least until this baby comes home
and I have my new role of active mothering, that I'll be stuck in limbo.
Everyday I feel terrified that she won't make it home alive, but also
terrified that she will and that after all we've been through I'll have no
idea how to parent a living child. I said to DH just the other day that I
was scared that we hadn't made the right decision in deciding to have
another child, which sounds such an awful thing to say this late in pg. I
could see he has similar fears but didn't want to voice them for fear he
would 'jinx' us. Do you think society expects us to be perfect parents after
what we've been through? Sometimes I feel because it's what we've wanted so
badly and worked so hard for, we're expected to do it all (pg & parenting)
flawlessly and without complaint.
You _will_ find it easier as time goes on to make the preparations and nest,
but like me you may find you leave it quite late, or at least until you're
past 22 weeks. I felt similarly at around 8 weeks, but it's really hard for
even the most paranoid, terrified mother to live in a bubble for nine
months. I think you'll find there are a lot of ups and downs, and along the
way even a few moments of normalcy - savour them :-)

"Donna Metler" wrote in message
...

The last day of school was yesterday-and I'm hitting major depression.

I've
wanted this baby for a long time, and I've known since Brian was born that
when I next got pregnant, I would be leaving teaching pretty soon after

the
pregnancy was confirmed, rather than waiting until the baby was born. But
this morning, when I woke up and realized that until December, when
"Cuddles" decides to make his/her appearance (and I certainly hope he/she
WAITS until December!) I literally have NOTHING to do. For the last 10
years, my life has either been teaching, or preparing to teach over

breaks.
Because of the pregnancy, the only dates on my calendar for this summer
(except for my birthday-which is an issue in itself, since I'm definitely
aware that I'm hoping to be bringing home a first baby after just about
everyone I know has decided they're done having them) are doctor's
appointments, phone calls to the midwife, and perinatologist appointments.
No travel, no graduate classes, nothing.

Even for the last month, the only thing I've really heard from anyone is
questions about the pregnancy. Most of the people I'm friends with locally
are other teachers-and while I may have more in common with some after the
baby comes, again, everyone I know either has quite a bit older children,

or
is single and not really planning to have any. A lot of people don't
completely approve of my being pregnant again regardless. I've also got
friends in support groups, but I can hardly complain to women who have

been
struggling to get pregnant or who have gone through repeated losses that

I'm
upset about not being able to work while pregnant, can I??

I don't want to do too much with the nursery and getting things ready-and
have told everyone no showers or baby-related gifts until at least

November
1st, because I'm so aware that for me pregnancy does not always equal a
baby. I started cleaning out the closet in the middle bedroom (which has

had
my teaching and craft stuff stored in it, but will be needed for the
nursery), and just couldn't do it. I've always planned to be a SAH mom

after
I had a baby-and I suspect that if I was leaving work at 8 1/2 months
pregnant, things would be different. But right now, I'm 8 weeks and this
baby isn't even due until after 1st semester of next year ends. And right
now, I feel good and the pregnancy is going beautifully. But, I know that

if
I work (or even if I do too much at home) and if anything goes wrong, I'll
blame myself for it.

Is it normal to feel this upset about life changes? And to be wondering
right now if maybe I would have been better off adopting another kitten
instead of trying so hard to get pregnant again??

--
Donna DeVore Metler
Orff Music, band, and choir, Lester Focused Literacy School

Mother to Angel Brian Anthony Metler, 1/1/02, (22 weeks, severe PE/HELLP
syndrome)
And "Cuddles"-EDD 12/29/04




  #5  
Old May 26th 04, 02:07 AM
Unadulterated Me
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Life changes due to pregnancy (emotional, past loss ment)

Donna Metler wrote:

Is it normal to feel this upset about life changes?


Of course. I know that your losses make you want to wrap yourself in
cotton wool but really working in non physical jobs isn't going to
effect the outcome of your pregnancy unless you encounter stress for
having to meet deadlines, productions, tasks etc, or just from working
with peopel that grate on you. You have a long wait until that baby
comes, you really are going to be bored beyond bored if you don't find
something to occupy your days. My suggestion is voluntary work that you
have no 'commitment' to or stress from, or part time work or study with
the same. Maybe volunteer at a local womins centre they have great
courses you can do as well. Maybe there is a soup kitchen you can help
out at. Volunteer at a childrens hospital to read stories to sick kids
whose parents can't be there full time. Rest homes where you can help
out with lite duties. SPCA. Youth work, there is a ton of places that
would love an extra pair of hands. Take a first aid course. Help out at
a multiple birth coffee morning, they ALWAYS appreciate a spare pair of
hands. Or you can take up a short term or on-line study course. Surely
there is something you are burning to learn a new skill in, Thai
cooking, leadlight, pottery, patchwork, philosophy, child development.
Make the most of every free moment because in 7-8 months you won't have
time to ****.

Andrea
  #6  
Old May 28th 04, 07:18 AM
Jenrose
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Posts: n/a
Default Life changes due to pregnancy (emotional, past loss ment)


"Donna Metler" wrote in message
...

The last day of school was yesterday-and I'm hitting major depression.

I've
wanted this baby for a long time, and I've known since Brian was born that
when I next got pregnant, I would be leaving teaching pretty soon after

the
pregnancy was confirmed, rather than waiting until the baby was born. But
this morning, when I woke up and realized that until December, when
"Cuddles" decides to make his/her appearance (and I certainly hope he/she
WAITS until December!) I literally have NOTHING to do.


Oh boy oh boy do I know this one.

I gave notice in January that I'd be leaving in June because we were TTC. My
boss said, "But what if you aren't pregnant?"

I said, rather fliply, "Well, I better damn well reduce my stress level
then, hadn't I?"

Oh boy.

So we hired my replacement just before I found out I was pregnant. And the
miscarriage means that I've left work for all practical purposes 2 weeks
earlier than planned.

I didn't expect to be leaving work because I stopped being pregnant...but my
work is all about babies and while it was bad enough to read about
complications and other people's birth stories while pg, it is a million
times harder to read all that stuff 6 hours a day while recovering from a
miscarriage.

So what am I going to do with myself?

Step 1: Clean house
Step 2: Garden
Step 3: Work on sewing projects with my mother (projects include a
sling-friendly diaper bag, sling-friendly nursing clothes, really
comfortable maternity underwear, and baby clothes that don't get grown out
of in 3 weeks. Hopefully we'll be making patterns for some manufacturers to
take to market.)
Step 4: Write a book (no I'm not kidding...I'm working on a book on
babywearing with Jeni from www.thebabywearer.com .)
Step 5: Help with founding national nonprofit organization (yes, really...
see www.nineinnineout.org for more info.)
Step 6: Plan babywearing conference
Step 7: Develop marketing campaigns for various projects.
Step 8: Set up a schedule of babywearing workshops for 2005.
Step 9: Wish I could go back to work so I could get a break now and then...

I guess my point is that you make of your time what you will. You could add
to my list, "Read science fiction novels," or maybe, "sleep as late as I
want to," and definitely, "make saving money my pet hobby, via home-cooking
and shopping sales."

My suggestion? Take a week as a vacation, a complete vacation. Do *nothing*
not critically necessary to your well-being. Then take stock. What have you
been putting off until you have time?

Jenrose


  #7  
Old May 28th 04, 03:32 PM
pologirl
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Posts: n/a
Default Life changes due to pregnancy (emotional, past loss ment)

Donna Metler wrote:
The last day of school was yesterday-and I'm hitting major depression.

[...]
Is it normal to feel this upset about life changes?


Yes. Give yourself a little time to come down from the school year.
(Don't you usually feel depressed at this point in the school year?)

I had thought I would need desperately to return to work, and in a
sense I do...but not to the work that my old job morphed into while
I was gone immediately after the birth. My career may benefit from
a breather and some stock-taking, and it will still be there when I
am ready to go back to it. Actually, I can continue many aspects
of my career even while officially not in the workforce. An income
would be nice but at this point is optional. I worked out an income
and expense analysis, and if I work now and hire someone for child
care, I do not come out ahead, and I would be exhausted too. Not a
winning proposition. Also, like Jenrose, I have major plans for my
"free" time (ha ha), including *three* book projects.

Pologirl
 




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