Husband doesnt love our daughter

My husband has always had a distant relationship with our 8 year old only
child. I thought it was because she was a girl and also that he didn't like
the baby and toddler stage. recently things have gotten a lot worse and he
hardly says two words to her. I confronted him about this, saying he really
had to start pulling his finger out and to try and take an active part in
her life. His reply really shocked me. He says he just doesn't love our
daughter and has no interest in having relationship with her.

As you can imagine, I am devastated. In all other ways he is a good man. We
have a good relationship and he shows me lots of affection, love and
cuddles, but not to our daughter. He is not cruel or mean to her, he is just
not interested in her life.

The thing that angers me most is that we choose to have a child. He actually
wanted a child more than I did. I told him he has a responsibility to get
over himself and try to build a relationship with her. He says he just cant.
he has a terrible relationship with his sister and he says that she reminds
him of her and that his why he feels he cant relate to her. I told him that
any similarity our DD has to his family come from HIS genes and that our DD
is NOT his sister.

What do I do? I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with
him. But I also love my daughter and would do anything to keep her happy.
Will staying with her father be more damaging that leaving and bringing her
up alone in a 100% loving household, instead of a 50% one? My husband has
made it clear he is not interested in changing or counselling as he says he
cant change.

I have no one to turn too. If I stay telling friends or family that my
husband doesn't love our DD they will think he is some kind of monster. I
have no idea what to do. I know my husbands feelings aren't under my
control. What can I do to do the best for my DD?

What do I do? I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with
him. But I also love my daughter and would do anything to keep her happy.
Will staying with her father be more damaging that leaving and bringing her
up alone in a 100% loving household, instead of a 50% one? My husband has
made it clear he is not interested in changing or counselling as he says he
cant change.

Hi,
I'm so sorry :-(
The fact that your husband is not willing to change or have counselling
is more worrying than the fact that he says he does not love your
daughter. When a relationship has difficulties...whatever they are...the
couple both have to work to fix it. When one party either cannot see
there is a problem or is unwilling to work at it it is very worrying.

I would find it extremely difficult to continue loving the father of my
child if he did not love that child.

Mary Ann

Hi -

I'd tell your husband that he MUST go in to get counselling. He's got
real problems, not ones that you can solve on your own. If he won't get
counselling, you might want to consider whether he should continue to
live in your home. A present-but-absent father must be very hard on
your child... who may also need to get some counselling. SIgh.

Good luck,
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.

"Beth Kevles" wrote in message
...

Hi -

I'd tell your husband that he MUST go in to get counselling. He's got
real problems, not ones that you can solve on your own. If he won't get
counselling, you might want to consider whether he should continue to
live in your home. A present-but-absent father must be very hard on
your child... who may also need to get some counselling. SIgh.

I agree with Beth. I'd also add that women model their male-female
relationships on the primary one, which is daughter and father. The OP
really needs to consider what kind of loving model is being provided for her
child. The impact of the father-daughter dynamic is lifelong. Counseling
at the very least should be a mandatory condition for him staying in the
home.

Donna (utterly baffled that a parent could not love their own child)

"Beth Kevles" wrote in message
...

Hi -

I'd tell your husband that he MUST go in to get counselling. He's got
real problems, not ones that you can solve on your own. If he won't get
counselling, you might want to consider whether he should continue to
live in your home. A present-but-absent father must be very hard on
your child... who may also need to get some counselling. SIgh.

Good luck,
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the
milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.

I would say if your husband does not want to get counseling (and I also
think it's necessary and he should definitely be urged to go), then you and
your daughter should get counseling (probably some sort of family therapy).
You'll get strategies and ideas of what's going on and whether or not you
and your daughter should stay with your husband (I suspect not - sorry).

Jeanne

We
have a good relationship and he shows me lots of affection, love and
cuddles, but not to our daughter.

That must be SO hard for your poor dd to watch. :```(

He is not cruel or mean to her, he is just
not interested in her life.


Actually, I think witholding love and attention is cruel and mean.

I have three kids, two teenage boys and a three year old dd. My dh is not the
perfect father, he's impatient and sometimes yells too much, but at the core, I
know, and our children know that he loves them more than anything in the world.


I couldn't imagine living in the same house with him if he didn't love our
children.


Maryilee

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We
have a good relationship and he shows me lots of affection, love and
cuddles, but not to our daughter.

I haven't seen the OP, but have you asked him why he feels this way?
And will he answer?

I can think of a bunch of reasons that he might give (most of them
bogus) and I can also see that if he isn't really comfortable with his
reasons that he might not want to go to counseling because he's
ashamed of them and doesn't want to be exposed as what he thinks of as
a bad person.

For instance - possibly he was/is jealous of your daughter and the
time you take away from him, and know that this isn't an attractive
trait.

Or maybe he doesn't believe that the child is his, but doesn't want to
suggest that out loud to the mom

Or maybe he just doesn't like children. Or maybe he wanted a boy and
is ashamed of that, but can't relate to a girl.

Or just possibly he may be afraid of his own sexual impulses if he
cuddles his daughter. Or maybe he's been taught that such things are
wrong for men to do.

If any of these things are true, it would be a tremendous leap for him
to accept counseling.

grandma Rosalie

Rosalie B. wrote:
We
have a good relationship and he shows me lots of affection, love
and cuddles, but not to our daughter.

I haven't seen the OP, but have you asked him why he feels this way?
And will he answer?

In the OP, which apparently didn't come through to your server, she stated
that her husband says his daughter reminds him of his sister, with whom he
has always had a difficult relationship.
--
Be well, Barbara
Mom to Sin (Vernon, 2), Misery (Aurora, 4), and the Rising Son (Julian, 6)

Aurora (in the bathroom with her dad)--"It looks like an elephant, Daddy."
Me (later)--"You should feel flattered."

All opinions expressed in this post are well-reasoned and insightful.
Needless to say, they are not those of my Internet Service Provider, its
other subscribers or lackeys. Anyone who says otherwise is itchin' for a
fight. -- with apologies to Michael Feldman

Jane wrote:
He says he just doesn't love our daughter
and has no interest in having relationship with her.

Counselling is a great idea, but I wouldn't wait for that. I would sit him
down and tell him, in no uncertain terms, that whether he *thinks* he loves
her or not, he had better start pretending and pronto. IOW, he had better
start *acting* like he loves her and taking on an active role in her life.
It won't hurt him to pretend anywhere near as much as it is hurting her to
have a father who openly ignores her and obviously doesn't like her. Tell
him to pretend he's an actor in a play pretending to be her father and throw
himself into the role with gusto.

As you can imagine, I am devastated. In all other ways he is a good
man. We have a good relationship and he shows me lots of affection,
love and cuddles, but not to our daughter. He is not cruel or mean
to her, he is just not interested in her life.

Ah, but it *is* cruel and mean to ignore your child while showing affection
to your wife. Your daughter knows he's capable of showing affection, not
just a reserved person, because she sees him give it to *you*. How is it
anything *less* than cruel and mean to do this?

You have to help him see that his behavior *is* cruel and hurtful to your
daughter and that *he* is the adult. Being the adult sometimes means being
bigger than your "feelings" and doing what is right rather than what you
want. And having chosen to be a parent makes that even doubly true.
--
Be well, Barbara
Mom to Sin (Vernon, 2), Misery (Aurora, 4), and the Rising Son (Julian, 6)

Aurora (in the bathroom with her dad)--"It looks like an elephant, Daddy."
Me (later)--"You should feel flattered."

All opinions expressed in this post are well-reasoned and insightful.
Needless to say, they are not those of my Internet Service Provider, its
other subscribers or lackeys. Anyone who says otherwise is itchin' for a
fight. -- with apologies to Michael Feldman

On Wed, 26 May 2004 10:13:59 +0100, "Jane"
wrote:

What do I do? I love my husband and want to spend the rest of my life with
him. But I also love my daughter and would do anything to keep her happy.
Will staying with her father be more damaging that leaving and bringing her
up alone in a 100% loving household, instead of a 50% one? My husband has
made it clear he is not interested in changing or counselling as he says he
cant change.

Your husband sounds like he might be suffering from depression.
Counselling would possibly help, but only if he's willing.
My suggestion for *you* is to go to counselling yourself, and/or with
your daughter, even if he won't. It will enable you to get some
perspective on how to proceed and what you can do to help your
daughter.

I feel for you.... this is a hard road.

Nan