Parent in the Hospital

I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter.
It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll
be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated.

My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
to say how far she will come back.

In the first three weeks, my daughter (nor my 16 month
old son) couldn't visit , and we had rotating caregivers while
I visited twice a day. It seemed to be working out. She
asked about her at times, but didn't ask to visit. Once she
was able, however, she refused. She said she was scared
of the hospital, but most likely, she is scared of her
mother's condition, or perhaps, simply isn't able to put
it into words. I didn't press her to visit, as per my own
instinct and the advice of others. And for what it is worth,
my wife, who works with children, seems to understand and
does not take it personally. I am hoping that she would
come around, and that the rehab center might be a better place.

So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab
center, how can I make work? I can't deny my wife visits
if it goes on for months, and I want it to work out soon.
But if the kid is kicking and screaming, then that won't
make anyone happy. So what to do?

The other issue is control. Earlier this week, she started
clutching to me and crying whenever I left to visit. The
emotions finally caught up to her. She, as I interpret it,
didn't want to stay with anyone that she didn't feel
safe with. She needed some predictability. So, that
left myself and her best friend (who is on our street).
They are understanding and accommodating, so I we
came to an understanding that I would only visit this
week when she could stay with her friend.

Well, that was fine, but she's started to cling to us a
bit tighter. She won't play with any other friends, and
won't even play with that friend if she is with another
kid. A few times, she has not treated her well, and I
fear that if this increases, she'll be left with no one.
She's also a bit short with my friends, or anyone else
who happens to drop by the house.

So, #2, what to do about that:? I want her healthy,
and I think she needed some familiar ground for
awhile to be so. However, I think that if she isolates
herself for too long, then it will have the opposite
effect on her emotional health, especially if she
burns bridges in the process. So, how to get back
to multiple, comfortable friends?

Thanks.

SM

P. Tierney wrote:
I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter.
It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll
be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated.

My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
to say how far she will come back.

Oh, my goodness! I'm sorry to hear that. I was
thinking of you the other day and wondering what you were
up to. I'm sorry to hear it's something like this keeping
you busy :-(

In the first three weeks, my daughter (nor my 16 month
old son) couldn't visit , and we had rotating caregivers while
I visited twice a day. It seemed to be working out. She
asked about her at times, but didn't ask to visit. Once she
was able, however, she refused. She said she was scared
of the hospital, but most likely, she is scared of her
mother's condition, or perhaps, simply isn't able to put
it into words. I didn't press her to visit, as per my own
instinct and the advice of others. And for what it is worth,
my wife, who works with children, seems to understand and
does not take it personally. I am hoping that she would
come around, and that the rehab center might be a better place.

So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab
center, how can I make work? I can't deny my wife visits
if it goes on for months, and I want it to work out soon.
But if the kid is kicking and screaming, then that won't
make anyone happy. So what to do?

If I'm understanding you correctly, then your
daughter hasn't visited your wife at all yet? If so, I
would guess that she is afraid. She's afraid of what
she imagines the hospital will be like, and deep down,
I'm sure she's very afraid of what your wife will be
like. She doesn't want Mommy to be different or strange.
I think it's really essential to get her back up on the
horse, so to speak. Obviously, you don't want to drag
her kicking and screaming, so you'll need to lay the
groundwork and then provide a lot of support.
I think this is what I'd do in your shoes:
1) Build up the rehab center as somewhere nice and
friendly and welcoming and not scary. Make much of
how this is a new place, and build up this opportunity
to visit Mommy.
2) Explain to her that Mommy is doing much better and
misses her and is ready for a visit. If there are really
obvious things that she needs to know about Mom's condition
before she visits, explain those, but make a lot more
fuss about all the things about Mom that are the same.
3) Give her a job. Have her bring some things to
decorate Mommy's room or something like that. This will
give her something to focus on, rather than imagining all
the things that could be scary.
4) Make the first visit very short. Let her do her job,
whatever it is, and then leave (unless she's the one asking
to stay). It's okay if it's short. You'll work up to longer
visits as she's more comfortable.
5) Present a very upbeat and positive attitude yourself.
I know you're likely run ragged and worried yourself,
which makes it hard, but don't worry too much about preparing
her for all the bad or possibly scary things. Kids are much
more resilient than you think, and when you spend too much
time trying to prepare her for all the possible bad things,
you're just ratcheting up her anxiety level. She probably
imagines things are much worse than they are. You've got
a natural "break" here where you can visibly shift your
attitude (if necessary) and give a much brighter picture.

Once you have a successful short visit or two, I think things
will likely start going swimmingly. Try to get her visits
on a schedule, so it's a regular thing to look forward to.
It may be helpful to give her a job that she does consistently
at each visit (change/update Mommy's flowers, bring a new
picture she's drawn to put in a frame, or whatever). Get
some rituals going to give her something to hang on to.

The other issue is control. Earlier this week, she started
clutching to me and crying whenever I left to visit. The
emotions finally caught up to her. She, as I interpret it,
didn't want to stay with anyone that she didn't feel
safe with. She needed some predictability. So, that
left myself and her best friend (who is on our street).
They are understanding and accommodating, so I we
came to an understanding that I would only visit this
week when she could stay with her friend.

Well, that was fine, but she's started to cling to us a
bit tighter. She won't play with any other friends, and
won't even play with that friend if she is with another
kid. A few times, she has not treated her well, and I
fear that if this increases, she'll be left with no one.
She's also a bit short with my friends, or anyone else
who happens to drop by the house.

So, #2, what to do about that:? I want her healthy,
and I think she needed some familiar ground for
awhile to be so. However, I think that if she isolates
herself for too long, then it will have the opposite
effect on her emotional health, especially if she
burns bridges in the process. So, how to get back
to multiple, comfortable friends?

I think you may be over-interpreting a bit.
I agree that she probably wants to exert some control;
however, I'm not so sure that it's because she's
desperately in need of consistency or that she feels
unsafe. In fact, by playing into this by trying to
be very careful of her emotional health and moving
mountains to ensure that she only stays with one
caregiver, you may be making her more brittle. I'm
not meaning to downplay the stresses she's likely
under, or any fears she might actually have. But
I think most experts agree that in situations like
this, it actually becomes very important to maintain
the same expectations for behavior and other usual
routines. Do make more time for her yourself, and
give her safe outlets to express her feelings and
such, but when you lower the expectations for
behavior or cede to her too much of your parental
authority, that's actually very unsettling for a
child. It tells her that things are *SO* bad that
you are unable or unwilling to parent! Wow, that
*must* be really bad--worse than she imagined!
I would schedule the caregivers that you
would normally schedule and then expect her to
cope. Devise a schedule and share it with her.
Include things on the schedule that she will be
looking forward to, and also who she'll be with
while you're away. Build things up in a positive
way (without making too big a deal of them) and tell
her you know she can do this. She may throw a fit
when you leave her, but you must have confidence in
her ability to do this. She may also need to see
that she can throw a fit and everything is still
okay--you can manage, her caregiver can manage, and
most importantly, *she* can manage. Get her back on
her foundations as far as expectations go. *YOU*
need to be understanding and making allowances for
the stress she's under (i.e., don't wig out if she's
a bit off her game and give her plenty of time and
opportunities to talk and work through her frustrations),
but *she* needs to feel like her world is still in
order and she understands how to work within it.
What was unacceptable behavior before should be
unacceptable behavior now.
We went through lots of this sort of stuff
when my older ones were around this age, though it
was with older generations rather than with parents.
Kids can be very understanding of hospitals and
rehab centers and nursing homes and even some pretty
severe physical and mental issues. You just have
to take things in stride yourself (which, of course,
is hard when you're going through the stresses of
caregiving and dealing with hospitals and doctors
and all that). It will all work out if you have
faith in her competence.

Hope this helps some,
Ericka

Ericka Kammerer wrote:
If I'm understanding you correctly, then your
daughter hasn't visited your wife at all yet? If so, I
would guess that she is afraid. She's afraid of what
she imagines the hospital will be like, and deep down,
I'm sure she's very afraid of what your wife will be
like. She doesn't want Mommy to be different or strange.
I think it's really essential to get her back up on the
horse, so to speak. Obviously, you don't want to drag
her kicking and screaming, so you'll need to lay the
groundwork and then provide a lot of support.
I think this is what I'd do in your shoes:

snip list

You might also try getting a cam and filming mom in the rehab center,
waving and saying hello to DD. Have DD make her own video for her mom
too. Or if you can set up a webcam thing where they can communicate and
see each other, without DD having to go to the center itself, that
would be even better. This approach may make DD less intimidated about
going to see her mom in person. She can get a good idea of what the
place is like before she has to set foot in the place itself.

jen

In article , Ericka Kammerer
says...

P. Tierney wrote:
I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter.
It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll
be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated.

My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
to say how far she will come back.

Oh, my goodness! I'm sorry to hear that. I was
thinking of you the other day and wondering what you were
up to. I'm sorry to hear it's something like this keeping
you busy :-(

In the first three weeks, my daughter (nor my 16 month
old son) couldn't visit , and we had rotating caregivers while
I visited twice a day. It seemed to be working out. She
asked about her at times, but didn't ask to visit. Once she
was able, however, she refused. She said she was scared
of the hospital, but most likely, she is scared of her
mother's condition, or perhaps, simply isn't able to put
it into words. I didn't press her to visit, as per my own
instinct and the advice of others. And for what it is worth,
my wife, who works with children, seems to understand and
does not take it personally. I am hoping that she would
come around, and that the rehab center might be a better place.

So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab
center, how can I make work? I can't deny my wife visits
if it goes on for months, and I want it to work out soon.
But if the kid is kicking and screaming, then that won't
make anyone happy. So what to do?

If I'm understanding you correctly, then your
daughter hasn't visited your wife at all yet? If so, I
would guess that she is afraid. She's afraid of what
she imagines the hospital will be like, and deep down,
I'm sure she's very afraid of what your wife will be
like. She doesn't want Mommy to be different or strange.
I think it's really essential to get her back up on the
horse, so to speak. Obviously, you don't want to drag
her kicking and screaming, so you'll need to lay the
groundwork and then provide a lot of support.

It occurs to me that you can take a picture of your DW and her surrounds, and
show it to your daughter.

Banty


--

"Banty" wrote in message
...
In article , Ericka Kammerer
says...

(...)

It occurs to me that you can take a picture of your DW and her surrounds,
and
show it to your daughter.

Also, have your daughter and son make get well cards, pictures, etc., and
put them up in mommy's room. When they do see her, it will be something
familar and help things along.

Jeff

Banty


--

Could she talk to her mom on the phone?

I suspect that she's picked up a lot of information and
mis-information from listening and half-hearing you deal with the very
worrisome condition of you dw. I found the best way to handle this
(in my case it was my dh being deployed and my dd was about your ds's
age) was to tell a story about a little girl whose [in your case]
mother was in the hospital where she couldn't see her daughter.

Banty wrote:

In article , Ericka Kammerer
says...

P. Tierney wrote:
I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter.
It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll
be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated.

My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
to say how far she will come back.

Oh, my goodness! I'm sorry to hear that. I was
thinking of you the other day and wondering what you were
up to. I'm sorry to hear it's something like this keeping
you busy :-(

In the first three weeks, my daughter (nor my 16 month
old son) couldn't visit , and we had rotating caregivers while
I visited twice a day. It seemed to be working out. She
asked about her at times, but didn't ask to visit. Once she
was able, however, she refused. She said she was scared
of the hospital, but most likely, she is scared of her
mother's condition, or perhaps, simply isn't able to put
it into words. I didn't press her to visit, as per my own
instinct and the advice of others. And for what it is worth,
my wife, who works with children, seems to understand and
does not take it personally. I am hoping that she would
come around, and that the rehab center might be a better place.

So, of my two questions, #1 is, if she refuses visit the rehab
center, how can I make work? I can't deny my wife visits
if it goes on for months, and I want it to work out soon.
But if the kid is kicking and screaming, then that won't
make anyone happy. So what to do?

If I'm understanding you correctly, then your
daughter hasn't visited your wife at all yet? If so, I
would guess that she is afraid. She's afraid of what
she imagines the hospital will be like, and deep down,
I'm sure she's very afraid of what your wife will be
like. She doesn't want Mommy to be different or strange.
I think it's really essential to get her back up on the
horse, so to speak. Obviously, you don't want to drag
her kicking and screaming, so you'll need to lay the
groundwork and then provide a lot of support.

It occurs to me that you can take a picture of your DW and her surrounds, and
show it to your daughter.

Banty

"Rosalie B." wrote in message
...
Could she talk to her mom on the phone?

I suspect that she's picked up a lot of information and
mis-information from listening and half-hearing you deal with the very
worrisome condition of you dw. I found the best way to handle this
(in my case it was my dh being deployed and my dd was about your ds's
age) was to tell a story about a little girl whose [in your case]
mother was in the hospital where she couldn't see her daughter.

(...)

Also, having your daughter draw pictures and maybe tell stories about what
is happening with the family and mom may help her (and you and your son) a
lot.

Jeff

"P. Tierney" wrote in message
news
My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
to say how far she will come back.

I have no help to offer, but wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear this.
I hope your wife is on the road to a complete recovery, and that you
have the support you need.

Bizby

On Mon, 29 May 2006 10:56:19 -0400, "P. Tierney"
wrote:

I have a problem at home, mostly with my 4.5 year old daughter.
It's unlikely that I'll be able to answer follow-up questions, so I'll
be as complete as I can, and any advice would be appreciated.

My wife has been in the hospital for a month. In the first three
weeks, she was essentially in a coma-like state, came "out" of
it, and is headed to a rehab facility tomorrow, likely for a few
months, so work on cognitive, occupational, physical, and
speech rehab. She isn't all the way back now, and it's hard
to say how far she will come back.

I'm so sorry :-(
I've been wondering where you were.

Nan

I'll add some other information while I have a moment:

-- The 16 month boy has been three times. Each visit
pleased my wife, but they only lasted a few minutes, getting
slightly better each time. He either didn't recognize her
(after four weeks) or has forgotten what she looks like,
though we've looked at pictures at home. She's not
disfigured, but was on tube feedings for 3.5 weeks,
so she doesn't look quite the same. And then there are
the various tubes, machines, and unfamiliar surroundings
to complicate things.

-- My daughter looked at the hospital with me, then she
visited with a friend, but only if they stayed in the waiting
room. The friend's mom asked if she'd like to go to the
hospital tonight, and she replied, "Sure, but I'm not
going to see mom."

-- She has seen some pictures of her. She was taken aback
at first glance, but looked at them all as I explained what
she was looking at.

-- I would say that she does have the same expectations
of her behaviour, but her routines are different. A parent is
usually always home. She hasn't had to stay with others
unwillingly before except on occasion. That she has had to
repeatedly has affected her behaviour, in some ways that are
predictable, and some that are not (like shutting off all but
one friend).There hasn't been any lowering of standards.
Life as a whole has changed, obviously quite drastically.


P. Tierney