Feel like giving this baby up for adoption, why shouldn't I? Sorry, long.

I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...

I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do
well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers
by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who
think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways.

All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the
hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I
feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of
control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also
both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't
and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live,
finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated
by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping
things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have
the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no
fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional
except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he
gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that
he would just leave me for another.

We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult
(no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I
think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone
else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children
and in the marriage.

I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling
sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there
gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so
much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or
close friends.

I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has
always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust
him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and
thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout
whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a
good life, really.

My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2
failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her
the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin
lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the
circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising
this baby.

5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.

Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all
these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the
idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it?

On Sep 14, 7:43 am, Almost 40 wrote:

5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.


This was the one thing I was going to mention. Think about it from
the 5YO perspective. She's proably thinking, "If Mommy gives this
baby away, maybe she will give me away too". I imagine that must be
terrifying to your children, thinking that maybe you would give them
away too. This could set them up for serious self-esteem and other
mental issues.

I can't imagine why in the world something like this would even have
been mentioned to the children. Frankly I am horrified that you would
discuss something like this with a 5 year old.

I also wanted to mention that perhaps you should have your 7 year old
evaluated by a mental health professional...she might have some
underlying problem (like bi-polar, ADHD, or something that is NOT
result of poor parenting skills) . Trust me, I know this from
personal experience. My DD was such a problem, I thought it was my
fault, but finally found out that she has several psyciatric issues.

On Fri, 14 Sep 2007 04:43:17 -0700, Almost 40
wrote:

I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...

I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do
well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers
by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who
think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways.

All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the
hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I
feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of
control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also
both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't
and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live,
finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated
by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping
things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have
the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no
fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional
except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he
gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that
he would just leave me for another.

We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult
(no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I
think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone
else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children
and in the marriage.

I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling
sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there
gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so
much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or
close friends.

I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has
always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust
him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and
thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout
whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a
good life, really.

My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2
failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her
the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin
lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the
circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising
this baby.

5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.

Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all
these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the
idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it?

Wow.... Your post shows you are *very* depressed. Is there any way
you can go to a counselor by yourself? Not necessarily for marriage
counseling, but to give yourself someone to talk to.

Nan

"Almost 40" wrote in message
ups.com...
I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...

I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do
well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers
by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who
think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways.

All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the
hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I
feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of
control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also
both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't
and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live,
finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated
by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping
things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have
the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no
fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional
except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he
gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that
he would just leave me for another.

We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult
(no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I
think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone
else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children
and in the marriage.

I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling
sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there
gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so
much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or
close friends.

I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has
always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust
him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and
thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout
whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a
good life, really.

My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2
failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her
the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin
lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the
circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising
this baby.

5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.

Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all
these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the
idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it?

Someone else mentioned having your 7yo evaluated. As they said, he might
well have ADHD, Aspergers or something else. Maybe, as you said he's very
bright, and it's a question of boredom, or he's reacting to get attention in
a busy household. Either way, you can't do all this alone.

Like you, I don't think I'd want marriage counselling - my DH and I
discussed it when we we re going through a really rough patch, but it's not
for us. What's helped more than anything though is that we've made time,
even if it's only a couple of hours a month (as in one evening or somthing)
when my DD goes to her Godparents' house, and we go out. Almost like we're
dating again. When you live together, you don't bother dressing up anymore,
looking forward to snatched moments or anything like you did when you were
dating and weren't burdened with the realities of everyday life, boredom and
children. Babysitters weren't an issue, the cleaning didn't have to be done,
you just went out. Please try it, you'll be amazed how much you start to
look forward to seeing your hubby at those times and you might start working
together again. He's your husband and partner, it's worth trying to work
together if you can remember just some of the reasons you married him.

In the mean time too, as Nan said, I think you're depressed. My heart really
goes out to you. I posted here a few months ago when I felt just so bogged
down and overwhelmed, and the best advice I got here was to go to my doctor.
It really helped me. You don't need to have all these burdens on you,
especially at the moment.

As for the baby you're expecting, that has to be yours and your DH's
decision. I know it's something I couldn't do, but I would advise you don't
discuss it with the children again until you've made a decision. If it
helps, when I was 16 weeks pregnant with my DD, I totally swtiched off from
the pregnancy. I just wanted an abortion (something that I thought I'd never
ever say) and refused to go to my scans etc. I felt I couldn't offer the
child a good life, my DH and I were going through an awful time with our
relationship, finances and everything. Obviously, now that I've had her, I
am so so glad that I did, but only you can know how you feel. I think you're
going to have to have ongoing support - PND hit me without warning and I
didn't realise what it was at first, but I believe that depression in
pregnancy can make you more prone to it - I'm not trying to frigten you, I'm
trying to encourage you to get the help that I should have got earlier.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you, you sound so unhappy, I'd
love to hear of a happy ending for you. Stay in touch *hugs*

Lucy x

On Sep 14, 10:01 am, "Lucy-lu" wrote:
"Almost 40" wrote in message

ups.com...

I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...

I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do
well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers
by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who
think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways.

All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the
hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I
feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of
control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also
both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't
and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live,
finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated
by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping
things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have
the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no
fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional
except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he
gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that
he would just leave me for another.

We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult
(no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I
think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone
else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children
and in the marriage.

I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling
sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there
gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so
much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or
close friends.

I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has
always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust
him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and
thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout
whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a
good life, really.

My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2
failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her
the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin
lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the
circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising
this baby.

5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.

Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all
these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the
idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it?

Someone else mentioned having your 7yo evaluated. As they said, he might
well have ADHD, Aspergers or something else. Maybe, as you said he's very
bright, and it's a question of boredom, or he's reacting to get attention in
a busy household. Either way, you can't do all this alone.

Like you, I don't think I'd want marriage counselling - my DH and I
discussed it when we we re going through a really rough patch, but it's not
for us. What's helped more than anything though is that we've made time,
even if it's only a couple of hours a month (as in one evening or somthing)
when my DD goes to her Godparents' house, and we go out. Almost like we're
dating again. When you live together, you don't bother dressing up anymore,
looking forward to snatched moments or anything like you did when you were
dating and weren't burdened with the realities of everyday life, boredom and
children. Babysitters weren't an issue, the cleaning didn't have to be done,
you just went out. Please try it, you'll be amazed how much you start to
look forward to seeing your hubby at those times and you might start working
together again. He's your husband and partner, it's worth trying to work
together if you can remember just some of the reasons you married him.

In the mean time too, as Nan said, I think you're depressed. My heart really
goes out to you. I posted here a few months ago when I felt just so bogged
down and overwhelmed, and the best advice I got here was to go to my doctor.
It really helped me. You don't need to have all these burdens on you,
especially at the moment.

As for the baby you're expecting, that has to be yours and your DH's
decision. I know it's something I couldn't do, but I would advise you don't
discuss it with the children again until you've made a decision. If it
helps, when I was 16 weeks pregnant with my DD, I totally swtiched off from
the pregnancy. I just wanted an abortion (something that I thought I'd never
ever say) and refused to go to my scans etc. I felt I couldn't offer the
child a good life, my DH and I were going through an awful time with our
relationship, finances and everything. Obviously, now that I've had her, I
am so so glad that I did, but only you can know how you feel. I think you're
going to have to have ongoing support - PND hit me without warning and I
didn't realise what it was at first, but I believe that depression in
pregnancy can make you more prone to it - I'm not trying to frigten you, I'm
trying to encourage you to get the help that I should have got earlier.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you, you sound so unhappy, I'd
love to hear of a happy ending for you. Stay in touch *hugs*

Lucy x

Hello !! God Bless You!!! you sound so distraught!!! Adoption isnt a
bad thing .....trust me I know.....my Husband and I adopted a
beautiful baby boy 2 years ago!!! We would love the oppurtunity to
adopt again.....I have had failed IVF also....I cant have
children.....when I was 17 I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer....I
had to have my ovaries removed.....you have to follow your heart and
do what is best for you and the baby......i will pray for you.....if
you would like to talk to me please email me at
care....Laura

On Oct 3, 9:17 am, wrote:
On Sep 14, 10:01 am, "Lucy-lu" wrote:





"Almost 40" wrote in message

oups.com...

I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...

I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do
well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers
by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who
think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways.

All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the
hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I
feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of
control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also
both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't
and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live,
finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated
by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping
things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have
the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no
fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional
except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he
gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that
he would just leave me for another.

We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult
(no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I
think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone
else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children
and in the marriage.

I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling
sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there
gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so
much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or
close friends.

I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has
always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust
him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and
thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout
whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a
good life, really.

My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2
failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her
the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin
lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the
circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising
this baby.

5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.

Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all
these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the
idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it?

Someone else mentioned having your 7yo evaluated. As they said, he might
well have ADHD, Aspergers or something else. Maybe, as you said he's very
bright, and it's a question of boredom, or he's reacting to get attention in
a busy household. Either way, you can't do all this alone.

Like you, I don't think I'd want marriage counselling - my DH and I
discussed it when we we re going through a really rough patch, but it's not
for us. What's helped more than anything though is that we've made time,
even if it's only a couple of hours a month (as in one evening or somthing)
when my DD goes to her Godparents' house, and we go out. Almost like we're
dating again. When you live together, you don't bother dressing up anymore,
looking forward to snatched moments or anything like you did when you were
dating and weren't burdened with the realities of everyday life, boredom and
children. Babysitters weren't an issue, the cleaning didn't have to be done,
you just went out. Please try it, you'll be amazed how much you start to
look forward to seeing your hubby at those times and you might start working
together again. He's your husband and partner, it's worth trying to work
together if you can remember just some of the reasons you married him.

In the mean time too, as Nan said, I think you're depressed. My heart really
goes out to you. I posted here a few months ago when I felt just so bogged
down and overwhelmed, and the best advice I got here was to go to my doctor.
It really helped me. You don't need to have all these burdens on you,
especially at the moment.

As for the baby you're expecting, that has to be yours and your DH's
decision. I know it's something I couldn't do, but I would advise you don't
discuss it with the children again until you've made a decision. If it
helps, when I was 16 weeks pregnant with my DD, I totally swtiched off from
the pregnancy. I just wanted an abortion (something that I thought I'd never
ever say) and refused to go to my scans etc. I felt I couldn't offer the
child a good life, my DH and I were going through an awful time with our
relationship, finances and everything. Obviously, now that I've had her, I
am so so glad that I did, but only you can know how you feel. I think you're
going to have to have ongoing support - PND hit me without warning and I
didn't realise what it was at first, but I believe that depression in
pregnancy can make you more prone to it - I'm not trying to frigten you, I'm
trying to encourage you to get the help that I should have got earlier.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for you, you sound so unhappy, I'd
love to hear of a happy ending for you. Stay in touch *hugs*

Lucy x

Hello !! God Bless You!!! you sound so distraught!!! Adoption isnt a
bad thing .....trust me I know.....my Husband and I adopted a
beautiful baby boy 2 years ago!!! We would love the oppurtunity to
adopt again.....I have had failed IVF also....I cant have
children.....when I was 17 I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer....I
had to have my ovaries removed.....you have to follow your heart and
do what is best for you and the baby......i will pray for you.....if
you would like to talk to me please email me at
care....Laura- Hide quoted text -

- Show quoted text -


If you are considering an adoption plan, please think about talking
with me. I'm a want-to-be-Mommy with a lifelong dream of adopting a
baby. I have been desperately trying to adopt and am hoping and
praying for the right situation to come along very soon. More about
me and my desire to adopt is here (www.myspace.com/adoption2007) -- I
am very open to an "open adoption" (including letters, photos, and
visits). I have so much love to give to a child; I have a beautiful
home; live in a wonderful community; and have so much family
support. If you'd like to chat about all of this, I can be reached at
-- wishing you peace and support during this
difficult time.

I'm just wondering how the OP is doing since she posted this thread?!
I hope that you have taken the others' advice in seeking some help. I
understand how stressful all this must be on you, we all have stress
in our lives, some worse than others. I have been stressed to my max
with this pregnancy and a troubled relationship with my husband and
two other young children hasn't helped matters. But the thing to
remember when you are feeling like you are at your wits end with life
and all it throws at you is that you need to talk to someone about it.
Weather it be a doctor, a friend, your husband, or even an unknown pen-
pal - you just have to talk! Nothing good comes from holding these
thoughts and emotions inside. While my situation is not the same as
yours, I do sympathize with you... I have no close friends and while I
have plenty of family around me they are not supportive at all - we
are more like strangers than family. I have contemplated other options
in regards to this pregnancy at which point I realized that it was
time for me to start talking to someone else... when I starting
thinking about things that before would never have been an option for
me then I knew that I was heading down a road that would only cause me
more distress! I have questioned my parenting ability, and still do
some days, as I suffer from depression and I can lose my temper and
start yelling and what not... I feel like the scum of the Earth when I
do - then I wonder if I'm like this with only two how will I deal with
three? The key is getting support, and if you don't have family and
friends to offer that then you need to get it else where. If you and
your husband are not happy then its time to just walk away, coming
from a broken home I can tell you that parents staying together for
the "sake" of the children never works the way the parents think it
will... children can pick up on these things, people don't give them
enough credit. The point is that you are clearly stressed and I would
even go as far as saying depressed and lacking confidence in
yourself... you need to do something to start a healing process.
Making a huge decision such as adoption at this point is not the
answer. You need to start counseling and getting all of this off your
chest, even if you just go yourself... then over the next x-number of
months discuss the adoption thing with your counselor, but only after
you get other things out. My fear for you is that you are in the
middle of pre-natal depression which will just toss you down a rough
road of post-natal depression, which will only be worse by giving your
baby up without proper counseling first.

And a note to the last two posters... I can't get over the lack of
tact you show here. It doesn't take much education, or common sense
even, to see that the poster is in the midst of a crisis, and you are
only feeding into it by your posts. I'm sorry that you are unable to
have your own biological child and that the adoption process is so
long and hard... I have no doubt that it is heartbreaking to go year
after year and feel that you are no closer to your dream, but this
isn't the way. What would you like to happen? Do you hope that the OP
will give you her child in the mind frame that she is in only to come
looking for you in a year or two to get her baby back? It is one thing
for a woman to find out that she is pregnant and know 100% from the
start that she does not want the child... but this situation is not
it!

-Jen

Almost 40 wrote:
I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...

You have a lot of issues... The first thing that
comes to mind is: do you get any time alone? You
say you have no one to babysit for counseling time,
does that mean you have no one to babysit, period?

If that is the case, the first thing you need to
do is find a babysitter. Just get away for one
or two hours per week, just for yourself. Take
a magazine and go to Starbucks and drink diluted
coffee for an hour. (Or wherever floats your boat.)

The next thing is... if your cousin were to adopt
your baby, that would certainly be lovely. I believe
that I would be very appreciative, if I were your
cousin.

Finally, I agree with the others that you should
get your 7yo evaluated. There may be some underlying
physiological issue that can be controlled and thus
make everyone's life easier. If there is not, at
least you know that and there is some comfort in
knowing that you at least looked into it.

-- Anita --

On Sep 14, 3:43 am, Almost 40 wrote:
I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...

I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3).

Any reason why you don't share the same love and devotion to your
husband?

They do
well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers
by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who
think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways.

All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the
hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I
feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of
control too often. It depresses us both enormously.

It could be that he's just a boy. I don't believe in the attention
deficient disorders that they are force feeding us. His fits of anger
are maybe his way of dealing and coping with things he cannot control.
Try to put yourself in his shoes and see what might be the problem.

DH & I are also
both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't
and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live,
finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated
by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping
things would improve.

Seeing how these are your feelings, then you should be responsible for
them. They will not improve until you correct what's wrong with you to
help you, your husband and your children. Also, I think your husband's
unhappiness is because he is not making you happy. A man takes pride
in the happiness and support of his wife and children. By you being
depressed or unhappy, you're probably the cause of his unhappiness.

We are financially comfortable and don't have
the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no
fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional
except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he
gets very annoyed with me, too).

Why are you unhappy with him? His annoyance is because of his
inability to help you. We men are problem solvers and if we cannot fix
our wives, it makes us frustrated and angry (which is how we deal with
hurt emotions).

I want him to have an affair so that
he would just leave me for another.

That is just stupid. He apparently loves you and needs you. Nothing
could hurt a man more than his wife not wanting to show him love and
affection. To tell him to seek that with other women is like stabbing
him in the chest.

We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult
(no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I
think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone
else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children
and in the marriage.

The real answer is for you to figure out what's wrong with you. Maybe
seek help on this. I say this because you seem like you're throwing
away everything for no good reason. Your children need a father, your
husband needs a wife. That can't happen until you fix what's wrong
with you.

I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling
sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there
gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so
much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or
close friends.

You don't need parenting classes. I'm sure your parents and their
parents didn't attend classes.

I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has
always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust
him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and
thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout
whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a
good life, really.

That's a shame. I hope you get better.


5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.

Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all
these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the
idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it?

No. I don't think this is something that needs to be discussed with
your children. I would sit down with your husband and talk things out.
Explain to him not to get mad or upset with you because the hurt in
your life is a result of your feelings and not because of him. Tell
him that you just need him to listen and to love you. Tell him that
you will let him know when you need his help. I would also apologize
to him for the hurt that you caused him and your family.

Remember that your husband is your friend and partner in life. He is
the children's father as well. Your love and devotion for one another
should be higher than the love and devotion you have for your
children.

Maybe you two have been focusing on your kids so much that you two
grew apart. He probably works long hours to support you and the kids
and your energy is expelled on the kids. Make time for one another.

I wish you well.

Regards...

I agree with everyone else that you sound very obviously depressed in
general, and there are LOADS of things you can do to help yourself feel
better, even when pregnant with a baby you're not sure you want. I think
the first step is to go to see your doctor and explain what you have said
here, then once your depression is under control you can start to deal with
teverything else, which might miraculously cure itself once you are feeling
better. Good luck we're all rooting for you
"Almost 40" wrote in message
ups.com...
I know I might be thinking irrationally, don't most pregnant women at
some point...

I have 3 children I love and am devoted to (age 7, 5, 3). They do
well in school, get labeled as bright, aren't tagged as trouble-makers
by school/preschool. But I know a lot of acquaintance parents who
think I'm too soft or otherwise parent my kids wrong in lots of ways.

All the children can be stressful to deal with, but the 7yo DS is the
hardest. Self-centered, prone to destructive fits of temper, DH and I
feel like we are teetering on the edge of DS being completely out of
control too often. It depresses us both enormously. DH & I are also
both very unhappy in our marriage. I want DH to leave but he won't
and I can't think how I could leave otherwise (where we would live,
finances, etc.). I don't really want the children to be devastated
by a break-up, either, so I have stuck around in the marriage hoping
things would improve. We are financially comfortable and don't have
the usual horrible types of family problems you hear about: no
fights, debts, drugs or affairs -- nothing obviously dysfunctional
except that I'm so unhappy with him (he still loves me although he
gets very annoyed with me, too). I want him to have an affair so that
he would just leave me for another.

We discussed marriage counselling but the logistics are very difficult
(no-one to babysit, for instance). It would be very expensive and I
think would be futile, ultimately. And I really don't need someone
else telling me all the wrong things I'm doing parenting the children
and in the marriage.

I've tried parenting classes before and they always leave me feeling
sick, inadequate and demoralized (while everyone else sits there
gushing how positive the experience has been and has made them feel so
much better equipped to be parents). I don't have any local family or
close friends.

I am 19 wks pregnant with No. 4. Unplanned pregnancy, and DH has
always hoped for a miscarriage (the 3 children we have utterly exhaust
him). I'm pro-choice on abortion, but cannot do it this late and
thought I could cope with 4 until recently. It's not just bout
whether I can cope, I don't feel any confidence about giving baby 4 a
good life, really.

My cousin (we are not close, but she seems a great person) has had 2
failed bouts of IVF. I can't help thinking... maybe I should give her
the baby to adopt and raise. Easier said than done because cousin
lives in another country. Or maybe cousin wouldn't want to under the
circumstances, but someone else (not me) might do an good job raising
this baby.

5yo DD is distraught that I might give up the baby, her feelings are
the biggest thing bothering me at the moment with this adoption idea.

Like I said, I have no close friends so no one to talk to about all
these thoughts and feelings. If I can calm my daughter down about the
idea it just makes sense to give the baby up for adoption, doesn't it?