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#1
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kindergarten "mean girl"
My daughter is in kindergarten this year. She is obsessed with winning the
approval and friendship of this one little girl in her class who is also in the extended care program with her. This girl is a "leader" (or "alpha") and many girls seem very taken with her ... even the older girls in 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th grade seem to gravitate towards her. As far as I'm concerned, this girl is a bitch-in-training. She plays mind games with my daughter all the time. Today, she picked up and threw away a straw that I was trying to get my daughter to pick up ... she just did it to stick it to my daughter--I could tell by her timing and demeanor (she never met anyone's eyes). Yeah, my daughter invited it by refusing to pick up the straw (because it was "dirty"), but this is a typical example of the naivete of my daughter's behavior compared to the cold, calculating way this girl behaves. The other night we were at an event and my daughter was jumping up and down because she was thrilled to run into this girl, and the girl just basically ignored her and walked right past her. She does this all the time. She never hugs her or greets her like other girls do. The year is almost over now, and this has been an issue the whole time. I kept hoping it would get better, but it didn't. I feel like my daughter did not develop any best friends because she couldn't focus on anyone but this girl who cares nothing for her (except for having fun controlling her). I am planning on requesting that my daughter is not placed in a class with this girl next year. Have any of you seen this kind of situation with girls so young? I just never thought I'd be seeing this kind of cold, calculating cruelty at this age. She seems "mean beyond her years." |
#2
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kindergarten "mean girl"
Have any of you seen this kind of situation with girls so young? I just
never thought I'd be seeing this kind of cold, calculating cruelty at this age. She seems "mean beyond her years." At the risk of sounding terribly cynical, I'm not surprised. Kid probably has parents who ignore her and she probably watches a lot of reality TV. I DEFINITELY would do everything possible to separate your daughter from this brat. |
#3
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kindergarten "mean girl"
In article , GI Trekker says...
Have any of you seen this kind of situation with girls so young? I just never thought I'd be seeing this kind of cold, calculating cruelty at this age. She seems "mean beyond her years." At the risk of sounding terribly cynical, I'm not surprised. Kid probably has parents who ignore her and she probably watches a lot of reality TV. You mean she isn't the child of a working mother who stuck her day care at age 1 wk. and doesn't go to church? You're losing your touch, GI! Cheers, Banty (wait, wait - I know! The little mean girl is *obviously* the child of a singlemom..) |
#4
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kindergarten "mean girl"
On 7 May 2004 04:59:38 -0700, Banty wrote:
In article , GI Trekker says... Have any of you seen this kind of situation with girls so young? I just never thought I'd be seeing this kind of cold, calculating cruelty at this age. She seems "mean beyond her years." At the risk of sounding terribly cynical, I'm not surprised. Kid probably has parents who ignore her and she probably watches a lot of reality TV. You mean she isn't the child of a working mother who stuck her day care at age 1 wk. and doesn't go to church? You're losing your touch, GI! Cheers, Banty (wait, wait - I know! The little mean girl is *obviously* the child of a singlemom..) Her parents are still married. Her mom is similarly cold and bitchy. Her father seems nice. |
#5
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kindergarten "mean girl"
On Fri, 07 May 2004 05:23:39 GMT, Calla
wrote: My daughter is in kindergarten this year. She is obsessed with winning the approval and friendship of this one little girl in her class who is also in the extended care program with her. This girl is a "leader" (or "alpha") and many girls seem very taken with her ... even the older girls in 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th grade seem to gravitate towards her. As far as I'm concerned, this girl is a bitch-in-training. She plays mind games with my daughter all the time. snip Have any of you seen this kind of situation with girls so young? I just never thought I'd be seeing this kind of cold, calculating cruelty at this age. She seems "mean beyond her years." I think if you don't back off and let your daughter develop her own friends and relationships, you're headed for trouble. It doesn't matter whether you like this little girl or how she treats your daughter. What matters is that your daughter learn to make a friend or not and learn to deal with rejection. There is something about this little girl that attracts others and you're way beyond knowing what that is and it doesn't matter anyway, because you're not the one who needs her friendship. Your daughter doesn't *need* it, either, but she wants it and it's up to her to learn how to get it. |
#6
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kindergarten "mean girl"
In article , Calla says...
On 7 May 2004 04:59:38 -0700, Banty wrote: In article , GI Trekker says... Have any of you seen this kind of situation with girls so young? I just never thought I'd be seeing this kind of cold, calculating cruelty at this age. She seems "mean beyond her years." At the risk of sounding terribly cynical, I'm not surprised. Kid probably has parents who ignore her and she probably watches a lot of reality TV. You mean she isn't the child of a working mother who stuck her day care at age 1 wk. and doesn't go to church? You're losing your touch, GI! Cheers, Banty (wait, wait - I know! The little mean girl is *obviously* the child of a singlemom..) Her parents are still married. Her mom is similarly cold and bitchy. Her father seems nice. So, inquiring minds want to know, do her parents ignore her and does she watch a lot of reality TV? Cheers, Banty |
#7
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kindergarten "mean girl"
I dunno Calla. I'm the mom of three, and it seems to me you are
focussing on the wrong thing. This other girl might be not so nice, but why does your daughter need her approval or try so desperately to get this kids attention? Its not really the other kid that is the problem (i.e. I'm not hearing you say that she's actively beating up or ridiculing your daughter). The real issue is your daughter thinking this girl is the queen of the universe. If she's got that tendency, in the next class, it will be someone else - so don't focus so much on the other child as Satan Incarnate, and think about why your daughter is reacting the way she is, and how to change that (i.e. working on her self esteem, working on feeling she doesn't need this kids approval etc.) My daughter is 6, and believe me, we talk about this stuff a lot, since I think its a common feature of the way girls tend to operate (boys are more inclined to be direct, while girls tend play manipulative power games about who's "in" and who's "out". We had an issue this year - my daughter got into a thing where she wouldn't wear certain clothing or hair styles because a particular girl didn't approve (like Joan Rivers had crowned this 6 year old fashion arbitor for the planet). It got quite extreme - i.e. my daughter was afraid of being ridiculed unless she was wearing the "right" thing. We've diffused it a fair amount by talking about it a lot, even making jokes about it so she starts to see the silly side of it (ohmigosh, mummy can't wear these pants because "Emma L." Fashion Queen of the Entire Universe, won't approve!! Oh noooooo!") and encouraging tons of play dates and other activities with other girls to foster friendships. My daughter is working on learning that what SHE thinks about something is more important than what someone else thinks (i.e. do you like it? Is it a pretty colour? Is it comfy? Does it fit? Do you think it looks nice? So, why would we care if Emma L. likes it or not? She's not wearing it!!) Clothing in this case is just a microcosm for everything else in terms of starting to learn to resist peer pressure (i.e. do YOU want to smoke? Do YOU think its a good idea? Or are you doing it because Emma L. thinks its cool and says anyone who doesn't is a nerd?" Mary G. |
#8
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kindergarten "mean girl"
Calla wrote:
As far as I'm concerned, this girl is a bitch-in-training. She plays mind games with my daughter all the time. Today, she picked up and threw away a straw that I was trying to get my daughter to pick up ... she just did it to stick it to my daughter--I could tell by her timing and demeanor (she never met anyone's eyes). Yeah, my daughter invited it by refusing to pick up the straw (because it was "dirty"), but this is a typical example of the naivete of my daughter's behavior compared to the cold, calculating way this girl behaves. The other night we were at an event and my daughter was jumping up and down because she was thrilled to run into this girl, and the girl just basically ignored her and walked right past her. She does this all the time. She never hugs her or greets her like other girls do. The year is almost over now, and this has been an issue the whole time. I kept hoping it would get better, but it didn't. I feel like my daughter did not develop any best friends because she couldn't focus on anyone but this girl who cares nothing for her (except for having fun controlling her). I am planning on requesting that my daughter is not placed in a class with this girl next year. Based on the very little information available, I have to object to the conclusions that you have formed. Have you tried to think about this girl objectively? Much of the behavior you describe can be attributed to poor social skills. The behaviors you described can have an innocent root, rather than a vicious one. You seem to have formed a strong opinion of her, and your words that describe her are rather unforgiving and harsh. You also have the same opinion of her mother. Have any of you seen this kind of situation with girls so young? I just never thought I'd be seeing this kind of cold, calculating cruelty at this age. She seems "mean beyond her years." Well, yes. I've seen this behavior in my own DD. My daughter isn't touchy-huggy-feely with any of her friends. With her immediate family, she's more comfortable, but even with extended family, she's very reserved. My DD hardly ever says "hi" or "bye" to her friends. But not out of spite or viciousness. Probably out of poor social skills combined with conflicting emotions (related to the disappointment of leaving or the excitement of arriving). In fact, I struggled with saying "hi" to my friends as a child. I couldn't do it until 3rd grade! I don't know why, I just couldn't get the words out. I never had mean intentions. My DD doesn't like to make eye contact with everyone. Sometimes, she'll be completely comfortable. Sometimes, a well-meaning and very nice stranger will make her anxious. Are you sure this girl wasn't just trying to help with the straw, but just didn't have the words to say, "I'll help"? And as far as ignoring people, my DD does that sometimes, mostly cause she's in her own world, or perhaps because she doesn't have the social skills to deal with the situation. I've tried to coach her, but she learns all this stuff at her own pace. Not all "nice" kids are huggy-touchy-feely. You seem to have this girl and her mom pegged. Is there any good example of mean, cold, and bitchy behavior, besides not hugging/greeting and not making eye contact? -- Jeannie E-mail: jeannie at talisweb dot see oh em Web: http://www.moonflour.com |
#9
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kindergarten "mean girl"
Calla wrote in message ...
My daughter is in kindergarten this year. She is obsessed with winning the approval and friendship of this one little girl in her class who is also in the extended care program with her. This girl is a "leader" (or "alpha") and many girls seem very taken with her ... even the older girls in 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th grade seem to gravitate towards her. As far as I'm concerned, this girl is a bitch-in-training. She plays mind games with my daughter all the time. Today, she picked up and threw away a straw that I was trying to get my daughter to pick up ... she just did it to stick it to my daughter--I could tell by her timing and demeanor (she never met anyone's eyes). Yeah, my daughter invited it by refusing to pick up the straw (because it was "dirty"), but this is a typical example of the naivete of my daughter's behavior compared to the cold, calculating way this girl behaves. The other night we were at an event and my daughter was jumping up and down because she was thrilled to run into this girl, and the girl just basically ignored her and walked right past her. She does this all the time. She never hugs her or greets her like other girls do. The year is almost over now, and this has been an issue the whole time. I kept hoping it would get better, but it didn't. I feel like my daughter did not develop any best friends because she couldn't focus on anyone but this girl who cares nothing for her (except for having fun controlling her). I am planning on requesting that my daughter is not placed in a class with this girl next year. Have any of you seen this kind of situation with girls so young? I just never thought I'd be seeing this kind of cold, calculating cruelty at this age. She seems "mean beyond her years." I haven't read anything in your message that I'd consider "cold, calculating cruelty" when done by a 6 YO, though I understand that you haven't told us everything you know about and have seen from this girl. Kids are often rude even without meaning to be mean. And when they don't like, or just aren't interested in, another child, they can often be all too direct about it -- again, not necessarily because they are cruel people or "bitches in training," but because they're not quite "civilized" yet. I assume this is your oldest child? All I can say is that I know how much it HURTS to see your child rejected. Your story reminded me so much of a friendship my son made in preschool. This looked like a real friendship -- the other boy used to ask my son to ask me if he could come over (would hear him doing this), and they played together so well here. But outside of preschool (and, later, kindergarten) and my house, the boy literally acted as if he didn't know my son. To this day, I cannot figure it out (boy lives in our neighborhood, so he is still a small presence in our lives), but I think it has something to do with this boy being the youngest of 3 boys and usually hanging out with his older brothers' friends. Also, he is VERY competitive and athletic, as are all his other friends, and my son isn't athletic. So, my son was not the brothers' speed, and so the boy "shook him off" whenever he had other options. I tell you, I wanted to strangle this child a couple of times when my little 5 YO would go running up to him at our pool (or wherever), only to be completely ignored, like he was *invisible* -- and this might be the day after the boy was at our house playing and having snacks at my table etc.!! Oh, God, I'm getting myself all worked up about it again! Anyway, I'm relating this is order to tell you that I did come, over the course of a few years, to recognize that though this boy's behavior was really not nice, and he may not be the kindest person on the planet, he is also not a monster. He's a kid. I did basically end the relationship, though. I stopped letting my son have the boy over, and I pointed out the ways in which this boy was not a true friend. So, I'm writing this to say, "keep it in perspective," as hard as that is when your little child's feelings are on the line. Your child needs you to help her make sense of the nonsensical and sometimes very hurtful ways that other people act, and you will not do her any favors by making mountains out of molehills in her life. Good luck! |
#10
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kindergarten "mean girl"
That little b!+c# needs some extreme disciplinary action. A little
girl does not deserve any more leniency than a little boy. |
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