mother's dilemma: work vs staying home with a child

Hello All! There was an interesting discussion today on National Public
Radio about parenting trends in the US. A guest speaker, a researcher I
believe, spoke about her recently published research work called "Home Alone
America" or something like that. She discussed that these days more and more
mothers choose work over their family life and raising children, which
basically leads to the situation that children are left without attention
most of their toddler and teen years. That leads to increased mental health
and development problems of children, their academic performance and social
performance. A very interesting discussion which made me think about my own
situation. I have one baby and my parental leave is about to end in a few
weeks. I need to decide if I am returning to work or not. It's a tricky
question for me being honest. I do want to be with my baby, I feel she
needs me and giving her away to childcare would mean that she will be raised
by someone else not me. I strongly believe that not even the best caregiver
can give the child love and attention that his/her parent will. There's no
chance for me to work part-time and due to the nature of the business I'm in
I'll have to work long hours (at least 9-10 hours a day) most of the year.
My husband's schedule is pretty much the same. He does make enough to
provide for all of us, enough for bread and butter at least and occasionally
a slice of cheese However, we have a very significant age difference -
he's almost twice older than me and I'm in my late twenties. We have one
baby and hoping for another one in a couple of years. If I stay home with
the baby, my career that had just started before my baby was born will go
downhill as well as our family income. Being dependant on my husband
financially would also imply that if (God forbid) something happens to him
(health problems, accidents, etc.) the family will face hard times
(mortgage, etc.). And emotionally it might be challenging too - my only
company during the day is my baby, aren't mothers going nuts from lack of
social environment sometimes? Well, I am jangling with all these facts and
thoughts and I really don't know what reply I should give to my employer
about my return to work. I would like to hear your personal experiences,
thoughts and ideas about this situation... from both working and non-working
mothers. Thanks!

This is an extremely loaded question you just started.

No one can make your decision for you, there are pros and cons to every
situation. If you feel strongly about staying at home, stay home. If
you feel isolated, find some mommy groups in your area and soon you
will find you are not isolated. If you feel like you will be giving up
your career and would hate to do that, see if you can find a
compromise, maybe you can do some work from home, or work part time.

I had to go back to work for financial reasons. There are also women
who go back to work for sanity reasons. There is no one way, and these
programs that say you are harming your child by leaving them irritate
me because all they do is make more mothers feel guilty if they have to
or choose to go back to work. From what I have read, these studies do
not take into consideration all the variables. The most recent study
says that if the mother goes back to work it doesn't matter if its a
loving grandmother or a neglectful daycare watching your child, and
this doesn't make sense to me. And the way these studies go, in another
year or so there will be another one out that debunks the previous
one...

Think about what is right for your family *and* you right now, and go
with that.

This is one you have to decide on the basis of your self knowledge and
your situation.

I've had friends who decided that they "should" stay home because in
theory it was the ideal (although I'm not convinced that it is -
totally depends on how good mom is at it and how happy doing it). They
ignored their own personalities, and tried to make themselves into
someone they weren't. One of them almost ended up in divorce court over
it. She was miserable and stressed out trying to live up to her own
ideal, and she just couldn't admit to herself that it wasn't right for
her. She was just about broken down when she took the step of putting
the kids in care half days and going back to her writing, and poof,
like magic, much happier mom, happier marriage and happier kids (since
mom and dad weren't at each other's throats).

I stayed home for 8 or 9 months with each of my three kids, so I got
them from newborn to pulling up on furniture. Then I went back to work.
As the primary breadwinner, staying home longer than that was not
possible, but I was grateful for that time when they were babies.

I am not good at being a full time mom. I'm bored, I'm lonely, I feel
isolated, I get fed up and irritable, I get lazy, and I don't feel
particularly validated or fulfilled. I wish I did, but its not for me.
We had in-home care for years and I know for a fact our nanny was
WAAAAAAY more patient than me, and way more creative and better at
cooking up interesting things for them to do. She also managed to do
more housework than I ever did when I was home, so I guess she was more
organized as well!

I just don't think this is one size fits all. So much also depends on
where you live, how long your commute is, your child care options, what
kind of job you have, the kind of house, your income needs, the hours
you work, what your spouses situation is etc. I mean, if you have to
work 12 hour shifts and commute 1 hour each way translates into a
different planet than a job that is 7-3 and 15 minutes from your house.


Mary G.

There is no easy answer, and what works best varies from
family to family. All you can do is really look hard at the pros
and cons for your particular situation and make the best decision
you can. If you do that thoughtfully you'll make the right
decision for your family.
If you feel caught between a rock and a hard place,
then develop a strategy to get to a better place. Maybe that
means finding a way to retrain yourself into a field where
part time work is possible (or maybe your husband can do that).
It may take time and effort and compromises to make that
happen, but it's better than stewing in a less than ideal
situation with no relief in sight.
I do think most of the issues you bring up are
real issues, but you also have to separate phantoms
from reality. Daycare isn't evil incarnate. With high
quality daycare, children can thrive. It's not like your
child will grow up a stranger and not know who her mother
and father are. You can choose to go back to work and
just work at minimizing the negatives of that situation as
much as possible (or vice versa--you could choose to be a
SAHM and work hard to minimize the possible downsides of
that by getting plenty of insurance, including short and
long term disability, finding lots of social outlets for
yourself, working with your husband to ensure that you get
some alone time, and whatever else is on your "con" list
for SAHM).
No matter what you choose, you'll be making
compromises and having to mitigate some negatives.
You can only do your best you can with what you have
for your family.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Dingo wrote:
Hello All! There was an interesting discussion today on National
Public
Radio about parenting trends in the US. A guest speaker, a researcher
I
believe, spoke about her recently published research work called
"Home Alone
America" or something like that. She discussed that these days more
and more
mothers choose work over their family life and raising children,
which
basically leads to the situation that children are left without
attention
most of their toddler and teen years.

Ugh, what bias! What about fathers? Aren't they a part of this too?
Don't they also choose work over family life? Why just mothers? Ugh. I
hate that.

That leads to increased mental health
and development problems of children, their academic performance and
social
performance. A very interesting discussion which made me think about
my own
situation. I have one baby and my parental leave is about to end in a
few
weeks. I need to decide if I am returning to work or not. It's a
tricky
question for me being honest.

Yes, it is very much a personal decision. I think that women who are
most comfortable with what they decided (whether to work or SAH), have
the best outcomes with their babies. Being miserable or undecided about
either doesn't do the baby any good.

I do want to be with my baby, I feel she
needs me and giving her away to childcare would mean that she will be
raised
by someone else not me. I strongly believe that not even the best
caregiver
can give the child love and attention that his/her parent will.

This is how I felt and why I ultimately chose to SAH for the first five
years. I wasn't deliriously happy and satisfied as a SAH, but I have
absolutely NO regrets with my choice, and am proud of how my children
turned out. (Incidentally, at age 10 and 12, they now have very little
memory of my staying at home back then).

I think you can't go wrong as long as you choose what is best for you -
whether working or staying at home. For me, being there 24/7 in the
early days (before K) was more important to me than a job. Once they
hit K, I went back to work full time, and I'm equally proud of that
role model it is setting for my kids.


There's no
chance for me to work part-time and due to the nature of the business
I'm in
I'll have to work long hours (at least 9-10 hours a day) most of the
year.
My husband's schedule is pretty much the same. He does make enough to
provide for all of us, enough for bread and butter at least and
occasionally
a slice of cheese However, we have a very significant age
difference -
he's almost twice older than me and I'm in my late twenties. We have
one
baby and hoping for another one in a couple of years. If I stay home
with
the baby, my career that had just started before my baby was born
will go
downhill as well as our family income.

I was also worried about my career. This was one worry that was
unnecessary. Despite our moving far away from my previous business
contacts, I found it wasn't as hard as I thought to rekindle my career
after five years off. Sure, it was a bit of a struggle in the first few
years, but now it's like I'd never left. My salary has caught up just
fine, too. Of course, if you are in a profession like medicine or law,
YMMV.

Ultimately, the way I look at it is that 5 years off was a small drop
in the bucket of a lifetime career.

Being dependant on my husband
financially would also imply that if (God forbid) something happens
to him
(health problems, accidents, etc.) the family will face hard times
(mortgage, etc.). And emotionally it might be challenging too - my
only
company during the day is my baby, aren't mothers going nuts from
lack of
social environment sometimes?

This was the hardest part for me. But I'm fairly extroverted, and
recognized I needed adult stimulation, so I went out of my way to find
it, taking the initiative to make contact with other SAHM's and
organize playdates. For intellectual stimulation, I read and read and
read. For physical stimulation, I took up long distance running and
weight training.

All in all, it turned out there were big pluses to staying at home
(beyond meeting my kids' needs). You just have to look for the silver
lining instead of moping your self-chosen plight. :-)

jen

In article . net,
"Dingo" wrote:

She discussed that these days more and more
mothers choose work over their family life and raising children, which
basically leads to the situation that children are left without attention
most of their toddler and teen years.

Mothers are not choosing work *over* family life and raising children
any more than fathers who work outside of the home are. Some have
outside jobs, some earn money working from home, some stay home full
time.

And the "choice" of whether or not to work outside of the home is only
luxury that some can afford: others cannot make that choice, as they
must work to support their families. This includes single mothers, but
it also includes many others who are living close to (or below) poverty,
or whose partners cannot, for one reason or another, support them. I've
never understood why the folks who make statements like this aren't
fighting like hell for a state-support system that would allow ALL
mothers -- regardless of marital status or income level -- the
opportunity to stay home with their kids, at least until they are in
school, and also to work only part time so they can be home AFTER school
and during school vacations. If working outside the home is "choosing
work over . . . raising children", and if staying home with chidren when
they are young, why are middle class and wealthy women who stay at home
nobel and wonderful moms, while poor women who try to make the same
choice are labeled lazy welfare queens?

I'll climb off my soapbox now. As others have pointed out (without
ranting), this is a highly individual choice, one which each family must
make for themselves. I've done some of everything: worked outside full
time, been home full time, worked part time at a job I could mostly do
from home, worked part time away from home -- each option was the right
one for that time in our family's life.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

You are asking about personal experiences, so here goes. I have two
daughters, ages 10 and 15. My experience is I could find high quality child
care for the girls when they were small, say age 6 months to 5 years. It
costs a pretty penny, but I found child care that truely gave the girls more
than I could give them, activity and learning-wise, at that age. Note that
I am not particularly creative, nor am I either a natural, or have any
training in early childhood education. The people working at the child care
centers did, and the activities they did with the girls truely helped them
blossom. By age 5 they start in school. I found I could find afterschool
day care that allowed my older exercise and the time to do homework, but by
2nd grade it wasn't offering enough enrichment opportunities to help her
grow. I decided to start working part time to be able to be home and run
her to activities, and help with homework. When my youngest started
kindergarten I retired completely. By the time they are in high school it is
pretty close to impossible to find someone to watch them, and just being
home gives me lots of insight into what she is up to, and availability for
her to come to me with problems or successes.

So, given my experience, you might consider looking for high quality child
care for them while they are young and you build your career. As they get
older, your husband, who will be on the waning end of his career, may be
able to go part time or retire while you support the family. (If I got your
ages right, he's in his mid to late fifties now, and will be retirement age
by the time the kids hit middle school, right?)

Some mothers stay at home with their children and let the children
"raise themselves". In cases like this the children are probably better
off in daycare. But if you're take the time to enjoy your children and
teach them to discipline themselves. You won' t regret the financial
sacrifices.
It's wonderful to be at home with them....but it's just not for
everybody. I suggest that you do which ever would make you the more
effective parent. I feel that parenting is the most important job of
all!
I stayed at home with my 2 (grown now) children and I do not regret it!
They are wonderful human beings. I volunteered and/or worked part-time
at their schools when they were growing up.

"Dingo" wrote in message
ink.net...
Hello All! There was an interesting discussion today on National Public
Radio about parenting trends in the US. A guest speaker, a researcher I
believe, spoke about her recently published research work called "Home
Alone
America" or something like that. She discussed that these days more and
more
mothers choose work over their family life and raising children, which
basically leads to the situation that children are left without attention
most of their toddler and teen years. That leads to increased mental
health
and development problems of children, their academic performance and
social
performance.


That sounds like trying to write The Great American Novel with 2 sentences.
There are many ways to acheive the goals of a family. Sounds like the author
of this article comes to the discussion with some entrenched bias.


A very interesting discussion which made me think about my own
situation. I have one baby and my parental leave is about to end in a few
weeks. I need to decide if I am returning to work or not.


It is too late for you, but for anyone else in this situation, I would say
start thinking about this and discussing it with you partner while pregnant,
or better yet before becoming pregnant. You have so many more options when
you have time to map out how you want to get to a desired outcome.

It's a tricky
question for me being honest. I do want to be with my baby, I feel she
needs me and giving her away to childcare would mean that she will be
raised
by someone else not me. I strongly believe that not even the best
caregiver
can give the child love and attention that his/her parent will. There's no
chance for me to work part-time and due to the nature of the business I'm
in
I'll have to work long hours (at least 9-10 hours a day) most of the year.
My husband's schedule is pretty much the same. He does make enough to
provide for all of us, enough for bread and butter at least and
occasionally
a slice of cheese However, we have a very significant age difference -
he's almost twice older than me and I'm in my late twenties. We have one
baby and hoping for another one in a couple of years. If I stay home with
the baby, my career that had just started before my baby was born will go
downhill as well as our family income. Being dependant on my husband
financially would also imply that if (God forbid) something happens to him
(health problems, accidents, etc.) the family will face hard times
(mortgage, etc.).
And emotionally it might be challenging too - my only
company during the day is my baby, aren't mothers going nuts from lack of
social environment sometimes? Well, I am jangling with all these facts and
thoughts and I really don't know what reply I should give to my employer
about my return to work. I would like to hear your personal experiences,
thoughts and ideas about this situation... from both working and
non-working
mothers. Thanks!

Dingo wrote:
Hello All!

She
discussed that these days more and more mothers choose work over
their family life and raising children,

You are not choosing one over the other. Woman that work still have a
family life and still raise their children. You have to be able to come to
your own personal decision based on all your individual needs and
circumstances.

That leads to increased mental health and
development problems of children, their academic performance and
social performance.

You might want to take a look at this article as well.

http://www.apa.org/releases/wrkmom.html
"Dr. Harvey found that children whose mothers worked during the first three
years of their lives were not significantly different from children whose
mothers did not work during that time frame"

There is another link at the end of the article that will take you to the
full text of the study.

I feel she needs me and giving her away to
childcare would mean that she will be raised by someone else not me.

You'll do yourself no favors by using loaded language. You aren't giving
her away unless you never pick her up. My husband and I are raising our
sons. We are teaching them our values, morals, family rituals,
expectations, and priorities. The people that care for them during the day
help us with teaching them good manners, how to get along with others,
exposing them to fun activities etc. That is part of raising children for
sure but the *core* of raising them belongs to us, as parents.

I strongly believe that not even the best caregiver can give the
child love and attention that his/her parent will.

Not the same love but good caregivers can absolutely give the same amount of
attention and enrichment etc. Bad caregivers can be a disaster. The
availability and affordability of quality daycare is certainly one of the
things you should consider.

There's no chance
for me to work part-time and due to the nature of the business I'm in
I'll have to work long hours (at least 9-10 hours a day) most of the
year.

I don't know what you do but don't start ruling things out. Perhaps you can
figure a way to work a 40 hour work week, commute less, different career,
self employment, etc.

And emotionally it might be challenging too - my only company during
the day is my baby, aren't mothers going nuts from lack of social
environment sometimes?

Are there opportunities in your area for socializing and/or fulfilling
activities during the day? Sometimes small towns don't but larger places
do. It isn't all or nothing. You seem to be looking at it from either
working 50 hours a week or never leaving the house.

I would like to hear your personal
experiences, thoughts and ideas about this situation... from both
working and non-working mothers. Thanks!

I'm a working mother whose family is happy, secure, functional. My ideal
would be to not work at a paid job but the sacrifices would be to great so I
work. I have been able to access quality daycare. I've got a very flexible
job. It was very difficult to leave my babies/toddlers and it was hard on
them as well. I'm fairly certain that I'd thrive at being a SAHM and I live
in an area where there would plenty of opportunity to find non-parenting
related types of fulfillment that would work for me....but the price would
be to high and ultimately I feel my children benefit more from the security
of my income then they would from me being at home so I work. There are no
easy answers but to make the best decision you have to take into account a
whole boat load of factors, not just the one about leaving the baby.

--
Nikki