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Friends and relatives making me crazy! (a bit long)
Hi all,
I'm hoping somebody out there can help. I'm quite upset right now--just spent the past hour and a half crying--and I don't know how to handle this situation. Briefly (I'll try, anyway), my two best friends, who are reiki practitioners, will be in the delivery room with me to help alleviate pain and speed up the birth. I consider them "doulas plus". One of them (who has never had kids and doesn't plan to and is rather clueless about the whole pregnancy process not to mention birthing process) is treating this as some sort of bizarre party. She has been talking about being "in charge of the CD player"and bringing her camera. I told her I'm not sure I can have music in the hospital birthing room and I also haven't yet decided if I WANT music. The concept of a camera upset me greatly, so I told her in no uncertain terms "NO camera please". She became greatly offended. I thanked her for abiding by my wishes, but she's still peeved. Yesterday I told my mother about the whole camera issue, which was the first time I told my mother that my friends would be in the birthing room. She didn't seem offended, but when I spoke to her today she said she had been crying all night (and she started crying again). Apparently she's offended that other people would be in the birthing room besides her and DH. (Last I had heard, she didn't WANT to be in the birthing room but apparently now, she says, she had planned on it.) (Note that all of this could be caused by the fact that she has never liked my two best friends--a jealousy thing.) I explained that they would be there for medical purposes, but she's too upset to listen to me right now. So this is my question: WHY is everybody treating this like it's some sort of party? And why is everybody thinking this is all about THEM? This is my first child. I am frightened and want to focus on having a safe, healthy birth. WHY, at this stressful point in my life, do I have to worry about hurting other people's feelings? I don't have the stamina to take care of these people; I would just like them to take care of me for a change. I don't usually ask for that, but I don't think it's unreasonable at this point. Does anybody have any advice (besides--my preference--leaving town for a couple of months)? DH said to just tell them exactly how I feel, but that's not easy when your mother is crying on the phone, because "exactly how I feel" would amount to "tough noogies for what you want". I can't take this stress...anybody? anybody? Beuller? Beuller? As always, thanks in advance... gaanji Mum to Spud, EDD 10/30 |
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Friends and relatives making me crazy! (a bit long)
snip
:: Does anybody have any advice (besides--my preference--leaving town :: for a couple of months)? DH said to just tell them exactly how I :: feel, but that's not easy when your mother is crying on the phone, :: because "exactly how I feel" would amount to "tough noogies for what :: you want". I can't take this stress...anybody? anybody? Beuller? :: Beuller? Invite your mother to your baby's birth. Explain to her that you thought she didn't want to attend and that you, of course, would want her there. Tell your camera toting doula plus that you didn't mean to offend her; you are just uncomfortable with the idea of having it filmed. If they both continue to act emotionally, my recommendation is to ask them why they are so upset so that you can address the issue. That's what I'd do. They seem to care about you and want to share your experience. I think you are the issue. They are just not handling the situation well. For you mother...do what you know is right. Carol Ann www.lowcarblosers.com ~ Home of the Monthly Challenges! www.bestinatlanta.com ~ Your City Guide to Metro Atlanta! |
#3
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Friends and relatives making me crazy! (a bit long)
From personal BAD experience with mostly my stupid in laws (now out of our
lives) and my mom? PLEASE be BLUNT with your wishes and BE FIRM. Do not be afraid to stand up for what YOU the mom wants. They are all acting childish and selfish. Hey, I had to kick my mom out during my labour as *she* couldn't handle seeing me in pain......she understood and thanked me later. Family and close friends can ruin your moment if you let them. Trust me I know. -- April Proud mom of Julianna 11/28/99 Baby Bean due 3/23/04 "Making the decision to have a child-it's momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." --Elizabeth Stone My Site www.breastfeedingmatters.com "gaanji" wrote in message om... Hi all, I'm hoping somebody out there can help. I'm quite upset right now--just spent the past hour and a half crying--and I don't know how to handle this situation. Briefly (I'll try, anyway), my two best friends, who are reiki practitioners, will be in the delivery room with me to help alleviate pain and speed up the birth. I consider them "doulas plus". One of them (who has never had kids and doesn't plan to and is rather clueless about the whole pregnancy process not to mention birthing process) is treating this as some sort of bizarre party. She has been talking about being "in charge of the CD player"and bringing her camera. I told her I'm not sure I can have music in the hospital birthing room and I also haven't yet decided if I WANT music. The concept of a camera upset me greatly, so I told her in no uncertain terms "NO camera please". She became greatly offended. I thanked her for abiding by my wishes, but she's still peeved. Yesterday I told my mother about the whole camera issue, which was the first time I told my mother that my friends would be in the birthing room. She didn't seem offended, but when I spoke to her today she said she had been crying all night (and she started crying again). Apparently she's offended that other people would be in the birthing room besides her and DH. (Last I had heard, she didn't WANT to be in the birthing room but apparently now, she says, she had planned on it.) (Note that all of this could be caused by the fact that she has never liked my two best friends--a jealousy thing.) I explained that they would be there for medical purposes, but she's too upset to listen to me right now. So this is my question: WHY is everybody treating this like it's some sort of party? And why is everybody thinking this is all about THEM? This is my first child. I am frightened and want to focus on having a safe, healthy birth. WHY, at this stressful point in my life, do I have to worry about hurting other people's feelings? I don't have the stamina to take care of these people; I would just like them to take care of me for a change. I don't usually ask for that, but I don't think it's unreasonable at this point. Does anybody have any advice (besides--my preference--leaving town for a couple of months)? DH said to just tell them exactly how I feel, but that's not easy when your mother is crying on the phone, because "exactly how I feel" would amount to "tough noogies for what you want". I can't take this stress...anybody? anybody? Beuller? Beuller? As always, thanks in advance... gaanji Mum to Spud, EDD 10/30 |
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Friends and relatives making me crazy! (a bit long)
gaanji wrote:
So this is my question: WHY is everybody treating this like it's some sort of party? Because they don't know any better, though a little common sense ought to keep them out of the worst of it. And why is everybody thinking this is all about THEM? Probably because they're not sure what they can do for you. This is my first child. I am frightened and want to focus on having a safe, healthy birth. WHY, at this stressful point in my life, do I have to worry about hurting other people's feelings? I don't have the stamina to take care of these people; I would just like them to take care of me for a change. I don't usually ask for that, but I don't think it's unreasonable at this point. Does anybody have any advice (besides--my preference--leaving town for a couple of months)? DH said to just tell them exactly how I feel, but that's not easy when your mother is crying on the phone, because "exactly how I feel" would amount to "tough noogies for what you want". I can't take this stress...anybody? anybody? Beuller? Beuller? Ignore it. Nothing you can say at this point will make much of a difference. But have your husband and your support staff prepped so that at a word or sign from you, they will run anyone who's more of a liability than an asset out of the room so you can do what you need to do. Meanwhile, stop talking about precisely what you will do. Just say that it's a new experience for you and you can't predict how things will go, but you know you'll need to be able to focus. Therefore, while you hope to have everyone share the experience with you, you reserve the right to do whatever you feel you need to do in order to cope with the process--whether that means having additional people there or booting everyone out of the room. Tell them you understand how much they're looking forward to it, but it's hard work and you have to do what you have to do at the moment. Good luck, Ericka |
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Friends and relatives making me crazy! (a bit long)
"April" wrote in message ... Family and close friends can ruin your moment if you let them. Trust me I know. That is SOOOO true! -- April Proud mom of Julianna 11/28/99 Baby Bean due 3/23/04 WOW my EDD is 03/26/04 (Baby Fagiolino -little bean in Italian) Love Nicky |
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Friends and relatives making me crazy! (a bit long)
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#8
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Friends and relatives making me crazy! (a bit long)
On 6 Sep 2003 10:08:18 -0700, (gaanji) wrote:
Does anybody have any advice (besides--my preference--leaving town for a couple of months)? DH said to just tell them exactly how I feel, but that's not easy when your mother is crying on the phone, because "exactly how I feel" would amount to "tough noogies for what you want". I can't take this stress...anybody? anybody? Beuller? Beuller? I agree with your DH. It is your birth experience. If they don't like it, it is their problem. Tell them how you feel. Tell them what you want. If they can't go along with it, tell them then they are not welcome at the birth. Plain and simple... I refused to deal with all of this. The only person who has ever been invited to my births (besides medical staff) is my DH. Period. End of story. Someone (can't remember who now) mentioned that they could wait to see my DD born, and I commented that they would not be there to see it. I then went on to explain that the only person I wanted there was DH. That is who I want at this birth. DH is used to me and my moods. He will not take offense to anything that I do or say. I can't say that about anyone else. Less stress for me to just have DH there. -- Daye Momma to Jayan "Boy" EDD 11 Jan 2004 See Jayan: http://jayan.topcities.com/ |
#9
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Friends and relatives making me crazy! (a bit long)
Hi all--thanks for all your words of encouragement and your concern.
You really helped me through a rough patch. Here's an update: The latest is that I went a second round with my mother later that day, but on the other side of it she did manage to (kind of) explain herself. Apparently (near as I can figure out) she thought of the birthing room as something like intensive care--only two visitors at any given time or what have you. I explained the details of the birthing room and told her this wasn't a "her or them" situation and she is welcome for as long as she wants to stick it out (she said she wants to be there right up to the gory part, as she considers that highly private). I think I got through to her; we'll see. As for my friends--I had an epiphany (while vacuuming my car--nesting is a beautiful thing) about what was upsetting me. It's that (to their credit, because they are so enthusiastic about this) this entire time they have been making plans WITHOUT me--from the guest list for my shower to the type of reiki they will be doing, to this latest round of ridiculous camera-and-music plans. So I realized that I need to take charge of the situation--sit them down and say "this is how it's going to be". It worked when I said "woah" to the shower guest list--they had never thought to ASK me and they apologized and we worked on the list together. I'm sure we can do the same in this situation. I will be seeing them tomorrow (Tuesday) and will do it then, as I share my birth plan with them, since they are my doulas as well, after all. I think this will work; I HOPE it will work. Any other thoughts, by all means, please post 'em! Thanks again! gaanji Mum to Spud, EDD 10/30 |
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